Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  They looked at me, keeping themself very still, all interest in what we were going to get next. ‘Get us three onion rings! Do you like them?’ I said, looking at the pair of them.

  ‘Oh, yeah! They’re lovely!’ Dinah breathed, with her tired eyes lighting up.

  ‘I love them too, Martha. Me ma sometimes used te get them for us. Didn’t she, Dinah?’

  ‘Yeah!’ Dinah said, shaking her head and dropping her mouth, like that was a lovely memory but is long gone now.

  ‘Go on! Here, Gerry, take this ten quid and get three bags of chips as well.’

  ‘But, Martha! Wha about me ice cream? Wha will I do? It’ll only melt on me!’

  ‘Eat it on the way, Gerry. Hurry. But stop when you get to the road. Wait until all the cars are gone.’ He was gone, flying out the door not hearing a word I said.

  Dinah roared laughing, saying, ‘Did ye see the speed on him? He’ll break his neck if he doesn’t slow himself down.’

  ‘Yeah! He moves like a bullet,’ I said, opening me ice cream, then seeing half of it melted into the paper. ‘Oh! This is gorgeous,’ I said, licking then taking a big chunk with one bite. I stood back, examining it, getting ready to lick me way around the cream dripping from the bottom when it suddenly disappeared. I looked down at the floor, seeing half of it looking up at me. ‘Fuck,’ I muttered.

  She laughed, slurping away on hers as I streeled over to get paper and clean it up. Then I sat down, nursing it gently, hoping to get at what was left.

  ‘These are lovely,’ she said, making a shivery face at the cold softness.

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumbled, feeling it slide down me neck as the two of us sat watching each other. ‘Jaysus! Delicious!’ I slurped, smacking me lips. ‘Especially on a day like today with the sun out there splitting the rocks.

  ‘We won’t eat anything else,’ I said, seeing us finished the ice creams. ‘Let’s wait until we get the chips. We’ll have these for after,’ I said, putting all the stuff back into the bag. ‘Jaysus! The chocolate is soft already,’ I laughed. ‘It’s bleedin melting in the heat.’

  ‘Put it under the bed, Martha, outa the way a the sun.’

  ‘Good idea!’ I said, bending down and banging me head again, trying to slide the bag under the bed. ‘Fuck! Me head is broken,’ I said, rubbing it to get away the ringing in me ears.

  ‘Mind yerself, Martha,’ she moaned, looking at me with a laugh on her face.

  ‘OK, now hang on,’ I sighed. ‘I’m going to see where the nurse is. We can have the tea ready for when Gerry gets back.’

  ‘Yeah, but listen, Martha. Where can I go for a smoke?’ she whispered, standing herself up and taking out her cigarettes and lighter.

  ‘No problem. Hold on. We can go down to the waiting room. I nearly live in there. It even has very comfortable chairs and little tables. We can eat down there as well. Come on – no, wait a minute, Dinah. Let’s get the tea first.’

  ‘Right! You go on an ask the nurse, I’ll just stay here,’ she said, looking nervous at the mention of the word ‘nurse’, but hopeful everything will keep going all right.

  I was out the door and across the hall into the tearoom. Quicker to make it myself, I thought, seeing no sign of a nurse. ‘Gawd, ye own the place now, Martha,’ I laughed, thinking, God helps those who help themself. No, nobody starves around me.

  ‘Come on, Dinah! Quick!’ I said, putting me head in the ward, seeing her jump with the shock at me suddenly appearing. I was carrying a tray stuffed with three teapots, mugs, milk, butter and a mountain of toast. I had the whole lot sitting balanced on top of three big dinner plates. ‘Let’s go!’ I said, rushing off down the corridor.

  ‘But, Martha! Wha about Gerry? He won’t be able te find us,’ she said, looking worried as she stopped to look back down the corridor, seeing if he might suddenly appear.

  ‘We can sit at the window just inside the door. Look!’ I said, throwing me head down. ‘You can see everything that’s going on from just inside the door.’

  She hurried after me, saying, ‘Oh, tha’s great! We can have our smoke as well.’

  ‘Sure we can! We have all the comforts here, Dinah. It’s home from home,’ I laughed, landing the tray down on the little table and pulling over another armchair.

  ‘Yeah! It’s really cosy in here, and look, Martha, they even have a big television over be tha corner,’ she said, then swinging her head back to look out the window, with her eyes taking in the view.

  ‘Come on, sit down. Let’s have a drop of tea and a smoke while we watch for Gerry. Oh, Dinah, I forgot! Will you run up and bring the bag down from under the bed?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll get tha, Martha,’ she said, taking off out the door.

  I watched her hurrying up the corridor with her lovely long blonde hair swinging around her shoulders. Gawd! She really is very good looking, there’s no doubt about that, I thought, thinking she would really stand out in a crowd. She has lovely baby-blue eyes that can sparkle like sapphires when they stare back at you from under long thick eyelashes. She’s even very tall – well, much taller than me and more well built, because she has a bigger frame. But it’s the eyes that is the giveaway. They have a faraway, distant look in them, like she’s looking at you but not really seeing you, because she’s looking somewhere into the distance. Her mind is not really here, in the present with you. Sometimes she goes so far away it can make her eyes look vacant, like there is no one at home.

  But when she comes alive, she can focus on you for a while, then you see the life in her. You see the light in her eyes as they dance with merriment, when her humour comes through and you get a flash of wit, showing her intelligence. You will see that light going on and her face beam into a flashing smile as she talks about something that is close to her. She likes to talk about the ma; she misses her. Them two are thick as thieves; the ma always loved her. It was love at first sight from the moment they first clapped eyes on each other. But then comes the flying mood change – the eyes that flash with a dark anger, like something is possessing her. It happens in one blink. You look into her eyes again and you see she is gone. She is now looking and listening to some inner demon torturing her to the very soul. What is happening to her then is so very real only to her alone. Nobody can see it or hear it, so who will understand? They see only her reaction, the screaming pain as she lashes out. Dear God, this must be terrifying for her, I thought. No wonder it drives some to suicide. Jesus, will they ever find a cure to get rid of it? Poor Dinah, she’s just existing in a no-man’s-land of living hell.

  I opened the tobacco and rolled myself a cigarette, thinking, well, at least for the minute Dinah is a bit more at ease in herself. Jaysus, am I glad them nurses let her be. Come to think about it, they’re not in here. I wonder where they are? I thought, looking up the passage. No, no sound or sight of them! Good, they must be gone off somewhere. Well, bully for them. Now we can all enjoy ourselves without being under the beady eye of two half-baked eegits.

  I gave a big yawn, feeling the life drain outa me. ‘Oh, God, what am I getting myself into?’ I sighed, suddenly feeling wiped out. This is all really beginning to drag me down, and there’s not much I can do to help any of them. I can’t help the ma – she would eat me alive if I let her. No, nothing is ever going to satisfy her.

  I yawned again, opening my mouth so wide me jaws locked. Jaysus, I must be even more tired than I realise. A good bath and a sleep in a bed would do me all the good in the world. Oh! I have that to look forward to. You don’t miss your comforts until they’re gone, I thought, thinking of all the things I’m deprived of. Fresh air and freedom for a start …

  Then suddenly something hit me. I took in a deep drag of the cigarette and nearly choked with the thought. Dinah! She’s gone an awful long time! I wonder what’s she’s doing? Fuck! I hope she hasn’t taken it into her head to walk out the door! No, she wouldn’t do that. She might, I thought, feeling an icy-cold fear creep up through my belly. She could come to some harm! I’m s
upposed to be responsible for her! Fuck, Martha, ye’re not wide awake. Move!

  I leapt up, tearing out the door, then stopped dead to a skidding halt, letting me heart pump again. ‘Here you are!’ I gasped, letting my face break out into a big smile seeing her large as life, making her way down to me.

  ‘What’s yer hurry?’ she said, laughing at me. ‘Ye looked like someone just set fire te yer arse, the way you flew outa tha door!’

  ‘That’s more than you did!’ I puffed, feeling a huge sigh of breath surge up then wait to be released into my chest. ‘You were gone so long I thought you were making the bleedin things, Dinah! Our tea is getting cold.’

  ‘No, ye didn’t, ye liar! You thought I was leggin it out the door, or, even worse, up there eatin all the stuff!’ she laughed, landing the bag down on the floor beside the table.

  ‘Come on! Let’s have a cup of tea. I’m gasping with the thirst. Where’s bleedin Gerry gone with them chips, Dinah? I’m dying with the hunger.’

  ‘He’s probably outside the shop eatin them on us,’ she laughed.

  ‘I’ll swing for him if he is!’ I snorted, letting go of me fright, then poured out the tea. ‘Here, have that cup of tea. How many sugars do you want?’

  ‘Put two in, Martha.’

  ‘Listen, Dinah, let’s start on the toast,’ I said, giving up hope of seeing Gerry any time this week.

  I munched on the toast, seeing her looking at it. ‘Go on, eat, Dinah. There’s plenty more where that came from.’

  She picked up a slice of toast, saying, ‘You always knew how te get around, Martha. Are you robbin the whole place? Did ye leave them any bread?’ she laughed, letting her lovely big blue eyes light up, seeing the devilment coming outa me.

  ‘No, plenty for everyone. They won’t starve and neither will we. Now, polish the plate. Leave nothing, Dinah,’ I said, seeing she was hungry but holding back because old habits die hard. Food on the table was never for her; it was a bit for everyone, then the lion’s share for Jackser.

  13

  ‘Martha! Did ye not wait for me?’ Gerry roared, coming flying in with the lovely smell of chips making its way up me nose.

  ‘Come on, hurry! About time, Gerry. Where did you get to?’

  ‘I had a wait till the man made them, Martha,’ he explained patiently, bending his back and leaning into me face.

  ‘Oh, sit down, sit down, Gerry. You’re great. These are lovely and hot. There’s yours, Dinah. Grab a plate. Take these, Gerry, and here’s your onions. Oh, look, there’s three battered onion rings in mine, how many is in yours, Dinah?’ I said, leaning across to get a look. ‘Oh, they’re very good over in that place. They don’t skimp, and look at the amount of chips we got! There’s nearly as many again in the bag as there is in the three singles! Grab some bread, Gerry. Make a sandwich.’

  ‘Yeah, I know how te do it, Martha. Me ma makes these all the time,’ he said, putting the chips on the toast one by one, making it look like a very delicate operation.

  I grabbed a handful and slapped the chips on, banging two slices of toast together, making a sandwich, and nearly choked trying to get half of it into me mouth.

  Dinah stopped eating halfway and roared laughing, tapping Gerry on the arm, wanting him to get a look.

  Gerry leapt up and started dancing himself up and down, banging the back offa me.

  ‘Wait! Stop!’ I screamed, with chips and bread flying outa me mouth. I tried to push him away, seeing Dinah bent in half and purple in the face trying to get enough wind to let out a scream. It finally erupted, sounding like a braying mare screaming for its lost foal. I waved me hand at Gerry, gasping, ‘Yeah,’ cough, ‘tha’s enough, Gerry! Leb me be!’ Gasp. ‘Oh, Jesus,’ I panted, breathing in and out like a rust-bucket banger car on a cold frosty morning, heaving and gasping, spluttering and wheezing, desperately trying to spark inta life on an ailing engine with a dying battery.

  ‘That went down the wrong way!’ I croaked, finally hearing me voice again.

  ‘Yeah! An I saved yer life, Martha! Ye could a choked te yer death only for me,’ Gerry said, looking at me with his eyes hanging out of his head.

  ‘Ye did, ye did, Gerry!’ I shuddered, feeling me breath come all at once.

  Dinah was still laughing. ‘Tha was really funny, Martha! Ye should a seen yer face …’

  ‘Yeah, Martha. It’s all red, an so is yer eyes!’ he said, munching on his sandwich, letting his head shake up and down.

  ‘It looked like feedin time at the zoo wit the greedy monkeys,’ Dinah roared, still laughing her head off.

  ‘Yeah, it was, wasn’t it, Dinah?’ Gerry agreed, copying her as they pushed each other for bigger laughs, with the eyes peeled on me.

  ‘Tha just reminds me,’ Dinah said, looking at me and Gerry, ‘we saw them havin a tea party on the telly one time. It was great gas watchin them holdin the cup wit the knees crossed,’ she said, laughing and thinking about it.

  ‘Yeah, but do ye know wha, Dinah?’ Gerry said, stopping to think like an idea had just hit him. ‘I never knew monkeys drink tea. I must tell me ma tha. She won’t a heard a tha, Martha!’

  I stopped eating with me mouth open, letting what Gerry just said bounce across the air, still hearing it said in such a serious tone. Then I looked at Dinah, seeing her looking at me. The pair of us let out an almighty roar, laughing our heads off.

  ‘Yeah,’ Gerry said, laughing too. ‘Monkeys drinkin tea – tha’s very funny, isn’t it, Martha an Dinah? But then how do they get te hold the cup? They only have their toes.’

  ‘Right! Back to the grub,’ I said, taking little nibbles. I didn’t want another dose of Gerry’s heroics saving me life.

  ‘Oh! I’ve had enough. That was really good. I enjoyed that,’ I said, pushing away my empty plate and rolling meself a cigarette.

  ‘Martha! Can ye watch the television? Will they let ye turn it on?’

  ‘Course you can, Gerry! Go over and switch it on yourself, that’s what it’s there for.’

  He was back, with the television going full blast. ‘Turn down that, Gerry!’ I whispered.

  ‘Oh, yeah, sorry, Martha,’ he said, flying over to switch it down, then he was back in the same breath. ‘Where’s me stuff, Martha? Is it in tha bag? Can I take me stuff out?’

  ‘Yeah, go on, help yourself!’

  ‘Wha about another hot sup a tea, Martha? For me biscuits! Me ma says ye can’t eat them witout the tea!’

  ‘Oh,’ I sighed, ‘I’ll go down and make a fresh pot. I might as well bring the tray back and wash these few things anyway. Then we can take it easy over a mug of tea – just relax and watch the telly. Isn’t that a good idea, Dinah, Gerry?’

  ‘Yeah, we’ll just take it easy,’ Dinah said, giving a big sigh, letting her shoulders drop. Then she turned to look out the window, letting her sad eyes rest on the world going on without her. It was all taking place just down below in the streets around us, with the city centre showing just a short distance away. I watched as she stared into the distance, looking out through haunted eyes. They spoke of yearning, a longing to be free from the chains that locked her mind. To be free from a people that feared and locked her away, to be just free to go out among the crowd and walk as one of them. It’s not asking so much. Yet it is asking too much. Her burden is mighty heavy to carry alone. But in a time that fears a lonely figure not marching to the world’s tune, people will catch, trap and cage you, control you like animals in a zoo.

  We lay sprawled in front of the telly, sitting in companionable silence, just happy being in each other’s company.

  ‘It’s great meetin ye here like this, Martha. Yeah, me ma did say you were up here, all right. I was delighted te hear it, because we haven’t seen ye in a long time, Martha.’

  ‘No, time flies, Dinah,’ I said, resting my eyes on her, staring without blinking. The tiredness was making me feel heavy, and I just sat, content to let it wash over me. I was enjoying the feeling of being completely still, just listening t
o Dinah’s voice murmuring, telling me whatever was coming into her head.

  ‘I wish me ma was here,’ Dinah sighed, looking straight at me. ‘She would enjoy this, just sittin an havin us here. Do ye think she might come up this evenin, Martha?’

  ‘I don’t know, Dinah, I didn’t see her yesterday, so she might. Did she say anything to you, Dinah, about coming up?

  ‘No, she just said she was goin home. She wanted te get a bit a rest. She complained she was tired. Ye don’t think there’s anythin the matter wit her, do ye, Martha?’ Dinah said, giving me a worried look, creasing her eyebrows.

  ‘No, not at all. She’s grand. She’s just taking it easy, Dinah. Put that thought out of your head.’

  She sighed, turning her head to the window, thinking about it anyway.

  ‘How long are you in the hospital, Dinah?’

  ‘Wha? Oh, gawd, too long, Martha. I’ve been there a few years now. Me da won’t let me come home. They won’t take me out, Martha!’

  ‘Why, Dinah? How long do they expect you to stay there?’

  ‘Until I’m cured, me da says.’ Then she looked down at the floor, dropping her face, letting a feeling of misery show.

  ‘But, sure, there’s no cure. It’s only a matter of getting things working right for you with the right medication, Dinah.’

  ‘Yeah, I know tha, Martha,’ she whispered.

  ‘So how are you getting on? Are you any better in yourself?’

  ‘Yeah, I am. I’m an awful lot better than I was. Wha they have me on now is workin grand. But I still get the voices in me head sometimes, then me mind is not me own, Martha. They keep crowdin me head. It’s terrible!’ she said, letting her eyes fill up with pain, looking like she was going to cry.

  We sat silent, me staring, her looking into the distance, lost in her own thoughts.

  ‘Ye know wha, Martha?’ she said, turning to me with her eyes alive, looking like an idea was coming into her head.