Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘Ah, but he’s very good, Martha. He’s very good-natured. He would do anythin you ask him. He fixes things fer me, ye know! Oh, yeah! If I want him te put up me curtains, he does it no bother once he sees how they should go. Sure, me phone was hangin offa the wall, the socket was loose. I was afraid a me life te go near it. He got the screwdriver an fixed it wit no bother to him. He can even put in a bulb fer me! Oh, yes, he’s very handy aroun the house,’ me ma said, giving her head a big shake up and down.

  ‘Gawd, Ma, that’s great,’ I said. ‘Ma, have you seen any sight of Charlie? I have come across him only rarely. Do you ever meet him?’

  ‘Wha?! Oh, a course I do! Yeah, he does drop up here the odd time. He even stays fer a while, has a bit of dinner, an might watch the television, then goes off about his business. Sure, he has his own place, ye know! Did you not know tha, Martha?’ she said, looking at the shock on me face.

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘Sure, I haven’t seen sight nor sound of him for a long time. Tell us, Ma! When did he get the place? What’s it like? Did you go there?’

  ‘No, but he told me it’s grand. He has only the one room, but he has everything in it.’

  ‘Is it a bedsit, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah! He even has a television set. But I can tell you, Martha, I told him not te come if he has drink on him. I made tha clear, Martha. I won’t open tha door for him, because he can start shouting all over the place. It would only start Dinah gettin very upset. Ye can’t do tha. There’s no call fer it! But, yeah, he can be grand without it. But then again, he might call up to see ye loads a times on the go. Then ye might not see him fer months on end, wherever he does disappear off to. But one thing ye do know fer sure. Wherever it is, he’s off somewhere on tha drink. Tha’s the way it takes him, Martha.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, feeling my heart sink with the disappointment. ‘I thought for a minute, Ma, you were going to tell me he was off that for good.’

  ‘No, more’s the pity,’ the ma said, shaking her head.

  ‘Still, at least he has a place of his own,’ I said, thinking, Jesus! It’s just great he has managed to get himself off the streets. ‘Pity he can’t give up that drink for good,’ I said. ‘Imagine! He would be landed, Ma. He would have money in his pocket and he’d be able to sort himself out, start to get a bit of life for himself, maybe even meet a woman.’

  ‘Oh, it’s the company he keeps,’ me ma said, shaking her head, looking frustrated.

  ‘Did he give you his address, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah. Do ye want me te give it te you?’

  ‘Yeah, Ma, that’s the first thing I want to do – go and see him.’ Then I said, looking around the room, seeing how lovely it looked, ‘Gawd, Ma! You have all the comfort here. You even have a plant,’ I said, getting up and going over to the corner, seeing the plant pot standing in a bowl of water.

  ‘Yeah, I have the few here and there, Martha,’ me ma said, looking around the room with me, letting her eyes light up. ‘Tha one is me spider plant. I like tha one, I do! It’s growin nice an big,’ she said, going over to finger it and settle it onto two sticks holding it up.

  ‘Gawd, Ma, the place is lovely. Everything is so nice and neat and clean and shining,’ I said, taking in the big colour television sitting over in the corner. Above that on the wall was a picture of the pope in a frame, looking down, giving us all his benediction with his hand raised and his fingers pointed in the air.

  ‘Oh, yeah, sure, we’re grand, Martha. Dinah an meself do even go off on our holidays, now.’

  ‘What?! Oh, yeah, I forgot. You were telling me that. Holidays, Ma?’ I shouted.

  ‘Of course! Why not? Sure, we went to … Wha was tha place called? Oh, yeah! Bundoran, it’s a seaside place. We went fer a week, me an Dinah did. We go te this club down the road – it’s run in the community centre. Jesus! It was lovely, Martha! Gettin te be at the seaside, an walkin on the sand wit the water rushin up at us. But Dinah got herself nearly drowned, so she did!’ me ma roared. ‘“I’m goin for a swim, Ma,” she says te me. “Sure you can’t swim!” I shouted after her, seein her flyin in the new bathin suit she bought herself. She didn’t stay in long, Martha!’ me ma roared with the laugh. ‘I went rushin after her but I couldn’t get in, the bleedin waves were tearin at me. But did tha stop her? She flew in till she disappeared. Me heart was in me mouth, watchin te see would she appear back up again.

  ‘I was just gettin meself ready te start roarin fer help when the next thing she manages te get herself thrown back outa the water. It musta taken her minutes, but it was like hours seein her try te pick herself up an get back out. That was the last a tha, I can tell you!’

  ‘Holidays, Ma? Jaysus! You are having the time of your life,’ I said, still not able to take in the complete change in her and everything around her. The lovely home and the bit of style on her – it felt like I was only dreaming.

  ‘Sure, we go down there te tha place, the community centre. They do have all sorts a things goin on. Another time we went for te learn the cookin. Jaysus! At first we nearly burnt the place down. “Here,” yer woman, the teacher, said, “the pots an pans should be very hot before ye start te cook anythin.” Well, it looked grand an easy when we were doin it there with her. But when we got started at home, I was cookin rashers an sausages at the time. Smokin, yeah, tha’s wha she said it should be, smoke should be comin outa the pan. So, we left it te smoke. Till the bleedin thing caught fire, Martha. It was all the drippin I put in it! Dinah went mad! She dragged me out, makin me drop the fryin pan wit the cooker goin up in flames. Then she was on the phone screamin her lungs out, roarin at them te send the fire brigade! So we gave tha up. We just watch it now, on the television.

  ‘Then we took up the knittin class another night. Dinah wanted te knit herself a frock, she said! Oh, holy Jaysus! I couldn’t make head nor tail at how te get the armpits for me jumper I was supposed te be knittin. I just kept it goin straight, wit holes from all the dropped stitches I was losin. But yer woman told me I was doin grand. She was right. I made a lovely-lookin warm scarf fer meself, fer the winter!

  ‘Sure, we even have a bit of an aul job now, ye know,’ me ma said, digging me with her elbow.

  ‘Go way, Ma! What?! You work?’

  ‘Oh, yes! I used te work in England, ye know! Before you were born. Yeah, indeed I did,’ me ma said, shaking her head, remembering that. ‘Anyway, we put in two hours down in tha nursin home – it’s just two bus stops away, facin out onta the main road. Yeah, we clean up after the patients, the old people – sweep the floors an do a bit a hooverin. Tha kind a thing. It’s grand an handy, an the few bob – it’s not much, Martha – but it gets us outa the house. Then we save up tha money, put it by fer somethin we need in the house, or go on a holiday wit the money when we get enough of it saved, ye know?’ she said, looking at me like she was all excited about doing that.

  I kept staring. I couldn’t take it in at all. I was getting more and more proud of her.

  ‘Oh, yeah! I’m enjoyin meself no end! Me life is a lot easier, Martha. I can come an go now as I please – get me few messages without havin te look over me shoulder or keep frettin about him waitin an goin mad because I left him on his own.’

  I grabbed me ma in a sudden hug.

  ‘Here!’ she roared, getting a fright. ‘Take it easy, mind me hair.’

  I stopped to get a look at it, then brushed it down, seeing it fly into the air. ‘It’s lovely, Ma, the colour really suits you. It’s sandy-looking.’

  ‘Yeah! But I didn’t want te end up wit me lookin like a dyed blonde,’ me ma said, fixing it up with her two hands, giving it a fluff. ‘Do ye like it, Martha?’ she said, smiling at me, happy, looking all delighted in herself.

  ‘Ohh! I just can’t believe the change over you!’ I said, sighing with a deep contentment, thinking she has every comfort now a body could want. God knows it was a long time in coming. It’s like I’ve met a new person, someone who is familiar, yet someone who is so alive. I still
can’t believe she was lying inside the ma, just waiting to get out.

  ‘Oh, yeah! Did I tell you? The club we’re in, it’s fer people who are retired, old people. Now some a them are not tha old, Martha. They would be like meself. It’s all ages, I suppose. But it’s mostly the older ones who turn up more often. Anyway! They are off next week on a big foreign holiday. But we wouldn’t go.’

  ‘Where are they going to, Ma?’ I said, trying to get the picture of me ma and Dinah heading outa the country. ‘But you’re not going, Ma? That’s a pity. Where are they off to?’

  ‘Eh, let me see. They mentioned the name right enough, but anyways, it doesn’t mean much te me. But the place is in Spain.’

  ‘Ah, Ma! You should go, you and Dinah. I can …’

  ‘Are ye jokin me, Martha?!’ she said slowly, giving me a dirty look. ‘Sure, wha would we be doin, goin out foreign, Martha? Sure, I wouldn’t know where the hell I am! Never mind eat all tha foreign food – tha would turn me stomach! An anyway, how would we understand wha te ask for? Sure, we don’t speak foreign, Martha!’

  I shook my head, laughing.

  ‘An another thing! Wouldn’t we have te get up in an air a plane! No, thank you! I’ll stay where I am, if ye don’t mind,’ she said, folding her arms, shocked at the idea.

  ‘Oh, but we did go a bit foreign,’ she said, seeing me looking at her, waiting to hear. ‘Yeah, we went off ourselves after bein at tha seaside place. We went on one a them tours. Oh, it was lovely, Martha. They took us all off on a big luxury bus. Now, not them C.I.E. buses, if ye understand me. A big one, it was. It even had white covers on the back te keep yer head clean. Ye know? Ye would be able to see if anyone had a dirty head, so tha ye wouldn’t go catchin anythin! Ye know, Martha! Ye can get diseases these days if ye’re not careful! Sure, ye remember tha green disease everyone was talkin about?’

  ‘No, Ma! Green disease! What green disease?’ I said, shaking me head, laughing.

  ‘Did you not hear about it, Martha? Well, it was spread by monkeys or something – we were watchin it on the television, meself an Dinah. Jaysus! I was afraid a me life fer months after seein tha. I kept thinkin we were goin te pick it up, Martha!

  ‘Anyway! We went on long journeys on this bus, then when it was time te get off … Jesus! I forgot te mention – but if we didn’t go an land ourself up wit a load of Americans! Jaysus! Them Yanks – the bus was full a them! The roars outa them, Martha! They shout – they must be all hard a hearin. I was nearly deafened listenin te them. Anyway, me an Dinah walked onta the bus. Now, we wouldn’t leave our suitcases in under tha place on the bus. I didn’t want all our stuff gettin robbed, Martha! The bus driver said he wasn’t movin till we shifted it. We kept sayin, “No, leave it where it is. Go on! Drive the bus.” It was grand where it was …’

  ‘Where was it, Ma? Was the suitcases big?’

  ‘Oh, indeed they were! I paid big money fer the two a them in Dunnes Stores. They were very modern, Martha, ye know. Good ones, on wheels, wit a big handle te pull it behind you. They were great, Martha. There was no pullin an draggin on them.

  ‘So! I wasn’t takin no chances wit them, an all our good stuff inside, gettin whipped!’ she said, looking at me as she folded her arms, showing me she meant business and was prepared to fight.

  ‘Did you move them, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah! Them bleedin Americans, mighty mouths, started shoutin an roarin. They didn’t want te trip an break their necks. Sure, no one was goin anywhere. But, yeah, I suppose we did make a few stops te go in an get a cup a tea an tha. So the bus driver grabbed them, wit me shoutin he was responsible if them suitcases went missin, tha he better be prepared te pay up! An ye know wha, Martha? He said he would. So, we were appeased. We let him take them. Now! Wha was I goin te tell ye, Martha?’ she said, dropping her mouth and narrowing her eyes, staring at the wall trying to remember. ‘Oh, yeah! It’s come te me! We stayed in this big mansion …’

  ‘A what, Ma?’ I said, letting me jaw drop.

  ‘Yeah, of course. Sure, why wouldn’t we? We spent all the money we saved from the work. It all amounts up, ye know. Anyway, the place was a palace when we got inside. Oh, Jesus, Martha! I never saw the like of it in all me born days! It was like somethin ye’d see on the television! We were swankin wit the style. The bedrooms! We got one big bed, because Dinah an meself sleep in the one bed at home anyway. So here we were, livin in the lap a luxury. We had a lovely big bathroom an our own television, an even a phone at the bed. I kept lookin at it, but we had no one te ring, I couldn’t remember any the phone numbers. I was ragin, I was! So we missed out on tha! I coulda rang Gerry, but he was gone too, wit the people he’s livin wit in the new house.’

  ‘New house, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah, he’s outa the hospital, Martha. Oh! Did I not tell you tha, Martha? Oh, yeah, he’s livin in a big house now wit other patients who are left the hospital. They have nurses an all te mind them. Then he sees his doctor once a week when he comes fer their check-up! Oh, yeah, Martha, sure, he now has a job as well! He’s workin wit all the others – they roll plastic bags or somethin. But anyway, he gets a few bob fer it. Then he comes home by taxi every Friday. He’ll be here tomorra, Martha, if ye have the time an ye want te come over? He stays the weekend an then goes back on a Sunday evenin. I do ring him every night, just te see how he is, so he looks forward te tha. Anyway! He went off on his holidays too; the nurses go wit them.’

  ‘God, that’s great, Ma. Everything is going really well. Jesus! This is like a miracle! You’re having the time of your life, Ma! I just can’t get over you! You’re really living now,’ I said, laughing with the happiness of it all.

  Then an idea hit me. ‘Ma! Why don’t we all go off somewhere during the summer, say around July? I could bring the children, Ma. Would you like that?’ I said, thinking it would be marvellous for them having a granny, my ma.

  ‘Yeah!’ she roared, letting her face break into a huge smile. ‘Would we do tha, Martha? I’d love tha an so would Dinah. She’s goin te be delighted now when she comes in an sees you here. Are ye in a hurry?’

  ‘Not at all, Ma. There’s nothing stopping me. I have the time on me hands, as the kids are away camping with the Scouts.’

  ‘Ahhh! They must be really growin! I’d love te see them. When will ye bring them over, Martha?’ she said, getting a bit nervous I might still refuse or make some excuse as I didn’t really trust her.

  ‘Of course, Ma!’ I said, grinning and putting my arms around her. ‘Sure, listen! Why don’t you and Dinah come over and see me? You could stay the night. I have plenty of room, Ma.’

  ‘Yeah! Tha would be lovely. When were ye thinkin about, Martha? I couldn’t come at the weekends because of Gerry. He gets worried. It’s best te keep te wha he knows, Martha, he doesn’t like ye te change things.’

  ‘No, Ma. Sure, it’s the summer holidays. We can do what we like. Oh, Ma, this is great. We’ll be able to do lots of things together. The lot of us, as a family, Ma.’

  ‘Yeah! Tha will be lovely,’ she said, sighing and sitting back, thinking about it.

  28

  ‘Gawd, we’re in the height a comfort wit this car, an it’s lovely an roomy, Martha,’ me ma sighed, shifting herself down into the seats, letting her head rest then turning to look out at the green fields and farmhouses as we flew past, keeping at a nice steady pace.

  ‘Yeah! I still can’t believe we’re goin away like this,’ Dinah whispered, letting her eyes shine as she smiled over at me.

  ‘Great, isn’t it?’ I muttered, raising my eyes and smiling, agreeing with her. Then I turned me head back to the road, concentrating on keeping up my speed.

  Dinah suddenly laid her two hands on my arm, giving them a gentle squeeze, saying, ‘I’m so glad, Martha, I have you fer a sister,’ she breathed out in an excited laugh.

  ‘Gawd, Dinah! I wouldn’t swap you for a Rolo!’ I laughed.

  ‘Not even two?’ she said.

  ‘No, they would have to g
o up as far as four packets!’ I laughed, getting a little dig in the arm for meself. Then we drove on in silence, with everyone contented, taking it easy looking out the windows.

  Suddenly I could hear a muted argument starting up in the back of the car.

  ‘No! We will take turns,’ Little Madam said.

  ‘No! I want my map back.’ Then there was a squeal.

  ‘Stop! Let go! You’re hurting my hand!’

  ‘No! You let go!’ he roared, bringing the volume up. ‘You have to have the two together!’

  ‘Let’s take turns, OK?’ she pleaded, trying to bargain.

  ‘No! Hand it back! I don’t care! I am the navigator!’ he shouted.

  ‘No! You can’t find your way without me and my compass!’ she screeched.

  I listened, watching progress in the rear-view mirror, then I said in a monotone, ‘Hand back the map, please!’

  They didn’t hear me.

  ‘Hand back the map,’ I droned.

  ‘Here! Wha’s goin on? Stop the fightin, the two a ye’s. Whose te blame? Who started it?’ me ma said, trying to separate their hands, with them pulling and dragging the map off each other, strangling themselves. It was sitting inside a plastic cover, with a thin rope to carry around on your neck.

  ‘Wait! Stop! I have a few sweets for ye’s if ye stop this fightin now!’ me ma shouted, getting herself all excited, with her trying to stop the pair of them throttling each other, because the rope was hanging on one neck, then getting yanked off to hang on the other.

  ‘Ahhh! Wait! Hold on!’ she suddenly screeched, whipping her head around the car. ‘Where’s me handbag gone to, Dinah? Wait, Martha!’ she said, letting her voice drop to a whispered panic.

  ‘What, Ma? Your handbag?’ I said, getting worried. ‘Where did you have it last?’

  ‘Back in that Texaco place. When we stopped for tha tea an sandwiches, I bought them a few sweets. Jaysus, Martha! I musta left me handbag wit all me money! An everythin I have in the world is in tha bag!’ she cried, turning white.