Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  I quickly looked in the rear-view mirror, getting ready to move into the overtaking lane and find a turn back. ‘Ma! We’re on the motorway! The next turn-off won’t be for about ten miles! But, don’t worry …’

  ‘Here it is, Sally! Under the clothes on the back window!’ Little Madam screamed, standing on the seat, lifting the bag, then handing it triumphantly over to the ma. ‘I found it!’ she gasped, sounding outa breath, all delighted with herself.

  ‘Ohh! Good girl, darling,’ I breathed.

  ‘Oh, ye got it! Oh, ye’re the best, a great girl! How did it get there?’ me ma said, trying to figure how she managed to let go of it. ‘Oh, thanks be te God an his Holy Blessed mother fer tha, Martha!’ me ma moaned, putting her hand on her chest, letting go of all her breath.

  ‘Yeah! You can say that again,’ I breathed, thinking I am going to end up in threadbare order if there’s any more shocks like this.

  We drove on in peace and quiet, with everyone biting and chewing on something outa the ma’s big handbag, then suddenly there was another moan.

  ‘Dinah! Did we turn off tha cooker? I think I turned it back on just te check it was not workin. Did you pull down tha fuse thing in the electric box te turn off the electricity like I told ye to, Dinah?’

  ‘Yeah, Ma. We turned off everythin a million times!’ Dinah grinned, lifting her head to look back at the ma.

  ‘Are ye sure?’ the ma muttered, pinning her eyes on Dinah but not seeing her, with the eyes blinking and fluttering, trying to get a picture of her flat, wanting to see what she did, or didn’t, turn off.

  ‘Ma,’ I sighed, ‘everything is off. I should know. I spent two hours there trying to get you out the door.’

  ‘Do ye think so, Martha?’ she said, wanting to believe me.

  ‘Yes, Ma. Now sit back and relax. You are just nervous and excited – that’s all it is. You don’t think like that when you are just heading over to the shops for your few messages. So no more worries. This is a holiday.’

  ‘Yeah, ye’re right,’ she sighed, letting go and easing her breath out, then feasting her eyes back on the scenery.

  A few minutes later I could see her rooting in her bag. ‘Did I lock the front door? Where’s me keys?’

  ‘There they are, Sally,’ the kids said, helping her look in the bag with their eyes locked on the two packets of chocolate eclairs they were hoping to get their hands on. They were still left sitting there in the handbag.

  ‘Wait, Martha! Just stop here for a minute,’ me ma said, spotting people coming out of a shop sucking on ice-cream cones as we passed through a little village along the harbour.

  ‘Now! Don’t you two drop any of that ice cream on these seats,’ I warned, seeing them now sucking happily on a big chocolate flake. It was stuck right down in the middle of the ice cream. ‘Ma! You have those children ruined!’ I said. ‘They normally only get sweets at the weekend with their pocket money. They’ll end up with holes in their teeth, and you get diabetes from all that sugar,’ I said, feeling myself beginning to fret now, worrying about the kids.

  ‘Ah, a few wormin powders will clear them out. Ye need more than wha they ate te be gettin disease,’ the ma grinned, winking at the kids.

  I snorted out my annoyance, feeling sick meself from all the rubbish I had just gluttoned down.

  ‘Does that mean we won’t be able to eat more sweets?’ they whispered, looking worried at the ma.

  ‘Wha?! Course ye will! Ah, go on, childre. Enjoy yerself – if it doesn’t kill ye, it’ll cure ye!’ me ma laughed, looking at them.

  Then they all went quiet, watching me to see would there be a row. Oh, she’s right. What the hell – we’re on holiday, I sighed, thinking they will go high as a kite from all the bleedin sweets the ma picked up.

  I wasn’t too happy, but she wouldn’t let go. ‘We’ll be a long time dead,’ she sniffed, giving me a dirty look, then patted the kids saying, ‘Sure! We still have yet them bags a sweets left te get through!’

  ‘Oh, Holy Jesus!’ I moaned, then heard Dinah burst out laughing, saying, ‘Yeah, Martha, then just wait till they all start gettin sick over the ma, an she wearin her new jacket an skirt! I’m OK – I’m safe in the front!’

  ‘Ah, go on, Dinah! Youse’re problem is youse just can’t remember wha it was like te be a child! Sure, wha else is there but sweets? Isn’t tha wha childre live for?’ she snorted.

  ‘Oh, yes, Sally! We’re having a great time. This is just like having a party!’ the little man slurped, with the young one gasping out her agreement, not getting the ice cream down fast enough.

  ‘You know, Ma, Dinah never spoke a truer word,’ I said grimly, speaking quietly as I looked at her in the mirror. ‘He can get very, very sick, go down with a roaring temperature and severe vomiting. He has even ended up in hospital and do you know what?’

  ‘Wha?’ she said, sounding shocked.

  ‘It has been sometimes after he has eaten too many sweets! I think he must be allergic. It lowers his immune system or something. He has even been tested for diabetes. But thank God he seems to be clear of that, because I’m borderline diabetic, Ma, but I’m grand. I just watch what I eat!’

  ‘Yeah, ye’re right. Me sister has tha. It’s in the family,’ she said, going very quiet, thinking about it.

  ‘Anyway!’ I sighed. ‘Jaysus, what brought all this on? You would think we were heading to a funeral,’ I said giving a big sigh, deciding to wake meself up. ‘We’re off on holiday. Let’s enjoy ourselves!’ I shouted, sitting up and pushing the car a bit harder.

  ‘Here we are! We made nice time,’ I said, opening the sunroof then pulling into line, getting in behind the last car. Instantly, the kids were out of the seats and pushing the top half of their bodies out through the roof.

  ‘Oh! Tha gives in a lovely bit of air,’ me ma said, looking up at the kids hanging out.

  ‘Yeah, it’s grand, Ma, if you make sure to close it properly. Otherwise it leaks,’ I said, pointing to the water stains showing on the inside, spoiling the look of the lovely cream roof.

  ‘We’re movin, Martha! Lookit, the cars are movin!’ me ma shouted, getting all excited in case we would be left behind.

  ‘Sit down, children, and put on your safety belts. I don’t want to go losing the pair of you out through that sunroof. It can happen very easily,’ I said, getting into me mother-clucking, ‘Here! Let me wipe your arses clean yer snots’ fuss-and-worry mood.

  I sat watching as they cleared the car ahead of me, then we got the all-clear. We followed the car just disappeared inside and plunged onto the ramp, then flying up and in, seeing the fella with the ship’s logo on his jacket. He waved me in towards the next car up, then came checking to make sure I was close enough. I wasn’t, so he waved me on, watching with his palm raised, then slammed it down.

  ‘OK! That’s it! Stop!’ Then he was off, marching to get the next car directly in line behind me.

  ‘We’re on the ship!’ the kids roared.

  ‘Yeah! Isn’t it lovely?’ me ma said, looking around in wonder, hearing the screech of tyres, getting the fumes of cars as they thundered onto the ship. Jesus, the noise was deafening.

  I pointed to the door ahead, saying, ‘When we arrive, Ma, them doors will open and we will drive through them, then down the ramp.’ I paused then gave a big excited shout, saying, ‘We will all be in France! Then on our way to Disneyland Paris!’ I roared, then laughed, seeing the ma blink and Dinah saying, ‘Jesus! We’re all goin foreign!’

  ‘Who wants to eat escargot? Because I do!’ the little man said.

  ‘Oh, tha sounds lovely. Wha’s tha?’ said the ma, looking at the kids, thinking it was something sweet.

  ‘Snails! And we can have frogs’ legs, Sally. They’re very tasty. I love them,’ he said with relish, smacking his lips together. ‘We can get them here in the dining room.’

  ‘Wha? But ye can’t eat the like a them!’ she whispered. ‘I never heard a the like a tha! Sure, tha would only po
ison youse,’ me ma said, turning green.

  ‘Oh, yes, you can eat them! It’s true, Sally,’ he said, shaking his head, not taking in that she was going into shock. Then he was off out of the car, trying to drag her with him. ‘Come on, Sally, hurry! Get out. We’ll show you when we get to the dining room.’

  I said nothing, just felt a perverse delight seeing the ma thinking her worst nightmare had just come true! I couldn’t help meself – it was so awful for her, yet so great for him. Then the young one says, catching on at seeing the ma turn all colours, ‘They might even be hopping around the table; then we’ll have to chase our dinner.’ She laughed, taking after her father for devilment. She didn’t get that from me, I thought, hearing him saying in my head, ‘Martha! You must allow the children to run free!’

  ‘What?! But they’ll be kilt! They’re running wild!’

  ‘So, they will be killed!’ he says, lifting his jaw, shrugging the shoulders.

  Yeah, spoken like a true mad, pragmatic Russian, I think. Pity he is … Oh, fuck off, Martha! This is the best time of your life. It has never, but never, been better. Enjoy, woman! Enjoy.

  Suddenly me ma erupted, looking at me. ‘I knew it! I knew I shouldn’t a listened te you an yer foreign holiday! This is all youse a fault if I’m carried back in a box. An you too, Dinah! You put me up te this! I wouldn’t a listened, only fer you tellin me it wasn’t foreign. It’s just like England! ye said. How the hell would you know anyway? You never even got as far as England yerself!’ she roared, going red in the face with the fright.

  Dinah started screaming laughing, and the ma went mad, shouting, ‘Get me offa this ship! Fuck!’ Suddenly she dived outa the car and went flying, shouting, ‘Mister! Don’t let this ship move! I’m gettin off!’

  I went tearing after her, shouting back at the others, ‘No more! We’re frightening the shite outa the ma, Dinah.’

  Fuck! This is turning out to be a disaster, I thought, seeing the ma getting herself run down with the cars flying towards her.

  ‘GET BACK!’ a man shouted at her, waving and stopping the cars heading onto the ship. I could feel the life leaving my body with the fright. Such a fucking simple thing, but to the ma it can mean hell on earth.

  ‘MA! WAIT!’ I screamed, bombing to grab hold and pull her around into my arms. ‘No, wait, Ma! Listen to me! The kids were only joking. There’s no such thing! I swear, I promise you it is just like England. You can have all the fish and chips you want, just wait and see. Please! I wouldn’t tell you a word of a lie,’ I said, seeing the lost look of shock in her face. It was the thought of getting stranded in a place without the comforts of her own home, and not having all the familiar things and places around her. She stared up at me, blinking and chewing her gums, trying to read me.

  ‘God, yeah, Ma. France is even better than England. They know how to cook lovely stews and fish and anything you want. Wait until you get to the hotel and see Disneyland. It’s a paradise for kids and grown-ups alike,’ I said, leading her back to the car.

  I could see all the others watching, looking shocked and worried now. Nobody was expecting this. ‘OK,’ I sighed in a whisper. ‘Now you two!’ I said, pointing my finger at the two faces staring back, wondering why their world had suddenly and without warning turned upside down!

  Me ma got worried seeing the kids go so quiet for a change, knowing they had pushed their luck. ‘Ah, no! Leave them be, Martha! Sure, they were only tryin te get me goin! Weren’t ye’s, childre?’ she said, still looking a bit pale from her sudden loss of nerve.

  ‘But it’s true, Sally,’ they laughed quietly, starting off again.

  I couldn’t believe it! I opened my mouth but nothing came out!

  ‘Jesus, Martha, them two take after you! Yet, still an all ye’re tellin them they’re bold? Jesus, you were a demon. You were very wild,’ she said, shaking her head laughing.

  ‘Not at all!’ I snorted. ‘You wouldn’t hear a peep outa me!’ I said, eyeing the kids, not wanting them to be hearing this stuff.

  ‘Oh, yeah? Not half!’ she laughed.

  ‘Tell us, Sally! What did …’

  ‘Get going, you two. Come on, everybody, let’s start the holiday!’ I shouted, making to open the doors. ‘Come on, grab your bags, everyone. Now, only the stuff we need for overnight, remember. We have a big berth; we can sleep our way over! So let’s find our family cabin, get settled in and head for the restaurant. You can even take a rest first, Ma. We’ll come and get you.’

  ‘No, I’m grand,’ me ma said.

  ‘Yeah! I didn’t come just te sleep,’ Dinah said. ‘I want te miss nothin. God knows, Ma, we waited long enough for this day te come,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, indeed we have,’ the ma said, narrowing her eyes, starting to think about it then getting woken up fast enough.

  ‘Come on, Sally! We want to show you everything! We know this ship; we’ve been on it before,’ the kids roared, getting impatient to be on the move. ‘Come on!’ they shouted from the entrance, flying their head down the stairs, then looking back up to the ma, seeing her muttering and laughing, trying to hurry herself.

  I slammed the car door shut, locking it. Then stared after Dinah, seeing her wobbling on her big high heels trying to tear after the ma, with the ma trying to catch up with the kids. I watched, seeing Dinah’s ankle suddenly buckle as the overnight bag waved in her hand threatening to topple her. ‘Hey, wait! Don’t lose me,’ she roared, getting her balance back, then taking off even faster.

  I knew it, she won’t last long in them high heels, I grinned. Oh, God, I’m so happy! My heart soared with the joy, listening to the life and the laughter coming out of them. Now the ma can feel the wind in her hair and the breeze on her face as she rushes on, trying to catch up with the life she lost down through so many years. The only weight she carries now is the handbag. She has that weighted down with the pension she collects and all the money she saves. Her and Dinah are like two little kids – they are now seeing all the wonders of the world as if they are only looking at it for the first time.

  God, Ma, you have finally arrived. Would you ever have thought so long ago when you were down and out, with nothing staring ahead of you but a nightmare journey, always travelling through the darkness of night, with nothing and nobody to protect you and yours but the power of God. Truly, it was him that kept us safe, even though some got lost along the way. But you have safely arrived to find a little haven in the world you can now call home.

  Hope now lies with the next generation. They carry a blazing torch of privilege that lights the darkness of poverty. My little ones are not branded social pariahs by its evil mark. Doors will not slam as they are turned away by a frosty world, its inhabitants heaving with a spiritual poverty, one that welcomes only a winner. One day they may grow strong and caring enough to continue on and pass down that burning light. My hope is that the curse of misery and poverty that fell on all of us may then be once and forever broken. That then will be the legacy I leave to all them and theirs that come after me.

  Jackser, I will never forget that what you did was evil. But you, Jackser, were not evil. That is what redeems you in my eyes. Poor Jackser. I hope now, wherever you are, you are happy. Some things were never meant to be. You just never found a place where you could be at peace.

  Rest in peace now, Jackser. Harry, look after your poor father. He was very unfortunate. Oh, Harry! Wherever you are, my sunshine, I still miss your smile and your bawdy humour. Gawd, you made me laugh. Sleep well, darling little brother.

  29

  ‘No! We are …’

  I let the phone drop into its cradle, still hearing the voice talking, explaining, insensitive, uncaring; worse, completely unaware just how much pain they had caused me. I shook my head, not knowing whether I wanted to cry, commit murder or do both. So, Martha, you think you have lived long enough, seen it all! But no. People’s cruelty coming from the most unexpected of places can still knock me for six, amaze and sicken me. ‘Put the kettle
on,’ I muttered to meself, feeling the pain easing into a dull ache.

  I sat drinking a cup of tea, dragging on the roll-up cigarette, giving a splutter. Jesus! These things are going to kill me, I thought, staring at the half-smoked cigarette, thinking to jam it in the ashtray. No! I took another suck on it, thinking me nerves are bad at the minute. I need something to keep me going. Then it hit me. Right! Fuck that. I’m going to sit down and write a letter. I am going to say exactly what I think about that bastard. NO! I’m not letting this go. Right, where’s my Basildon Bond notepaper and the good Parker pen?

  I shot into the study and opened the writing desk. It’s only for keeping my papers. I never write letters, never! They can be used against you later down the road. I don’t like putting my signature to anything. Jaysus! I’m paranoid about keeping my privacy. It runs too deep in me. It’s always better to keep the head down and say nothing to no one. Anyway, I have the knack of talking like a blue-arse fly but really saying nothing!

  OK, here goes. Hold back nothing, Martha. Let rip, give the full blast.

  ‘… And furthermore!’ I droned, feeling myself getting worked up. Then suddenly, a cold hard anger hit me. The enormity of how I was being treated rippled through me like a simmering volcano that was now getting ready to erupt! Fuck this. I screwed the paper up into a ball and fired it at the wastepaper basket, watching it land satisfyingly – smack – inside the bin. Then, like my arse was on fire, I was up and out of the room, tearing up the stairs and into one of the kids’ bedrooms. Right! I need a jotter. I picked up a new Tesco A4 notebook, looking at it thinking, yeah, good, this will do. Then I whipped meself around and shot back down the stairs into the study.

  Right! Fuck that. I will show them. Think they are too good for me, do they? They just do not know who they are dealing with. Nobody knows me – the real me! I am not what everybody thinks I am, and that includes them. They are fucking not fit to even walk in my shoes. They have had everything handed to them on a plate!

  So, I will now reveal the true me. I will hold nothing back. I want a record of who I really am, or was. It’s about time I now stopped running. Anyhow, nobody will ever get to see this in my lifetime. No! I will hide it away. Then, by the time they find it, I will be pushing up daisies. I hope they don’t throw it out with a load of papers, thinking it is all rubbish when they are clearing out the house. Never mind that. Worry about that later. Just get on with it. I want the kids and their kids to know who they really are, where they came from, warts and all. I don’t want them ever looking down on anybody the way that fucker has looked down on me. Yeah, right! So, where will I begin? Where else! Start at the beginning. Oh, wait! Shouldn’t I give it a title? I thought, sucking on me biro. The Parker is only to impress; it’s too good to waste.