Don't Judge Me

by Phylicia Joannis

CHAPTER SIX

  Salvation Trail

  Mr. Smith spends the night at a hotel. He plans to attend church with them the next morning and leave Sunday evening. Rachel has warmed up to him considerably. Margaret Smith notices the change and is pleased, but worried as well.

  So far Mr. Smith hasn’t asked her for anything, and he hasn’t made a proposal promising to pay her back with interest; she prays he was sincere when he spoke with her over the phone. He told her he was ready for a life change.

  “No more gambling for me,” he said. She’d heard that from him more than once in the past, but something was different this time.

  Ms. Smith smiles as she watches Becky and Shawn play Go Fish in the living room. Jennifer sits beside them, unusually quiet. Ms. Smith walks over to her chair in the kitchen. “What’s on your mind, Jen?”

  “I was thinking about Tammie. She has a boyfriend now.” Jennifer states.

  “And?” her mother asks.

  “I’m happy for her,” Jennifer says quickly. “It’s just…”

  “Just what?” her mother inquires.

  “I don’t know,” she says honestly. “Something’s not right.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, all afternoon her boyfriend, Devon, was holding her hand, or kissing her or hugging her!” Ms. Smith crinkles her forehead in thought as Jennifer continues. “I know it sounds silly, Mom, but it seemed to me like he couldn’t keep his hands off of her. He didn’t do it very much when he thought I was looking, but I caught him a few times.”

  Ms. Smith is quiet for a moment before speaking. “Have you talked to Tammie about it?”

  “Not really,” Jennifer confesses.

  “Maybe you should call her, hon. If you’re worried about her, you should tell her.”

  “She probably won’t listen to me,” Jennifer comments. “She’s completely infatuated with him.”

  “Just call her and see,” her mother encourages.

  Jennifer takes her mother’s advice and calls Tammie’s cell. She gets her voicemail, so she call’s her house. Tammie’s mother picks up the phone.

  “Jen, I’m so glad you called! Have you seen Tammie? My date got here early and I need her to watch Jessie for me.”

  Jessie is Tammie’s little brother. He is just a year younger than Shawn. Tammie’s mother has three other small children. Jennifer wonders where the other kids are. The only one old enough to be left home alone is Tammie.

  “I haven’t seen Tammie, Miss McLeod,” Jennifer admits. “At least, I haven’t since this afternoon.” It’s still early, just a few minutes after seven, but Tammie is usually home when her mother needs her to baby sit.

  “If you hear from her, can you tell her to call me?” Jennifer asks.

  Miss McLeod is obviously annoyed. “Sure, same to you, hon, okay?” she replies. “I guess we’ll just have to hang out here for a while,” she says, more to herself than Jennifer, before disconnecting. Jennifer wonders where Tammie might be.

  •••

  Max scowls and rolls his eyes when Martin tells him Jennifer is on the phone. After about fifteen minutes, Martin tells Jen he’ll call her later. Ten minutes after that, he finally gets off the phone. Max can’t help but laugh.

  “Man, that girl can talk, can’t she?”

  Martin laughs. “I don’t mind it, but anyhow, we’ve got a tournament to start!” Max smiles and grabs the controllers to Martin’s game system. They plan to do a twenty round battle tonight, guaranteeing that they will play well beyond midnight.

  Max is glad for the distraction, but Martin intends to spend the time ministering to Max. Martin remembers his first attempt to speak with Max on the subject. It was unsuccessful, but now, after all that’s happened, Max is more open to receive it. Three rounds into their tournament, Martin prays a silent prayer and begins what he hopes will be the beginning of a spiritual exchange.

  “Max, do you know what your problem is?” Martin begins.

  “What?” Max asks as he scrunches his face in concentration. His character in the game is losing.

  “Do you know what your problem is?” Martin asks again. Max’s character falls and the screen pronounces Martin’s character the winner. Max shrugs and puts down the controller.

  “I need a better player, I think.”

  “No, no—“ Martin is interrupted by his mother knocking on the door.

  “Sorry to interrupt!” she whispers. “The pizza’s here!”

  “Great! I’m starving,” Max exclaims. Martin is slightly frustrated but his growling stomach convinces him that it is time for a break anyway. At any rate, it gets Max’s attention off the game for a minute. Martin’s mother brings in the pizza, some sodas, and a couple of paper plates, telling them to call her if they need anything else. She winks knowingly at Martin on the way out and Martin smiles at her. She knows how important nights like these are for Max. Martin waits for Max to finish his pizza before trying again.

  “Max,” Martin begins again. “How are you doing?” Max is quiet for a while before responding.

  “I’m alright,” he finally replies, lowering his head. “But things are still hard.”

  Martin clears his throat. “You know, Max, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. You’ve seen a lot of them firsthand and there are some only I know about.” Martin looks intently at his friend.

  “I understand the guilt you feel, Max. And I know remembering all the bad hurts. I know how it feels, not being able to take back the things you said, or the things you did.”

  Martin pauses a moment and watches as Max wipes away a stray tear. Max frowns, but he doesn’t object or disagree with Martin. He is quiet, and Martin prays he is still listening.

  “Max, the night I asked you to come with me to go after Johnny, I felt all of those things. I felt so stupid, and I thought of everything I would be throwing away, and for what? So I could say that nobody messes with Martin West? My pride nearly ruined my life. But the only difference, the only reason I’m here with you playing video games instead of in a cell somewhere wasting my days is the grace of God. God saved me, Max. I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t even know how much I needed it until I saw myself. For the first time in my life I really saw myself.”

  Martin shakes his head in thought. “There’s a scripture in Revelation that Pastor James read to us in bible study a few weeks ago. God was speaking to his church and telling them how deceived they were. They thought they were rich and had everything they needed, but they didn’t know they were worthless, and hopeless, and poor and blind.”

  “That was me, Max. I thought I had everything together, until I saw myself the way God sees me. I was lost, and Christ found me. Now I have a new life in Christ, but it’s only because of his mercy. God isn’t moved by our past failures, Max. He knows what you’ve done, just like he knows what I’ve done. But that doesn’t matter. He still saved me. He came for the unrighteous. He came for people like me and you.”

  “We messed up, Max. You and I both screwed things up. We know that. But Christ died to give us new life. It’s only through our hope in Christ that we’re able to live a new life; we have to believe in Him and in what He did for us.”

  Martin stops, waiting for a sign from Max showing he is receiving what he says. “Do you believe what I’m saying, Max?”

  Max feels his heart pounding in his chest. He believes what Martin is saying. But still, Max feels too far gone. Things are so hard for him already. What if he makes a commitment to God and then breaks it?

  “Max?” Martin watches as Max’s expressions change. “Max?” Martin repeats his name.

  “I believe it, Martin,” Max finally speaks. “I just…I don’t think I’m ready.”

  “Max, God knows your heart. He has a plan for you, and he loves you. You’re His creation, His idea. Just like he saved me, he’ll save you. Just trust Him and believe Him. That’s all you have to be ready to do.”

  Max shakes his head and Martin grabs h
is bible. “Max, let me read something to you, so you’ll know just how much Christ loves you.”

  Max listens as Martin reads Matthew 26-27. As Martin describes how Jesus was beaten and mocked, Max can’t help but wonder why anyone would endure so much for another person.

  Max looks up as Martin finishes.

  “Max, Jesus knew what would happen if he followed God’s plan, but he did it anyway. Because he loves God’s creation. Because he loves you.”

  Max feels his heart leap with hope and, for a moment, he believes what Martin is saying. For a moment, he believes that God really cares for him.

  “But I’m not worth it,” Max thinks. It’s nice to imagine that God can use him, but Max knows better. No matter how God might try, Max knows he will just screw things up. He isn’t worth saving, no matter what Martin says.

  “Max, you and I are the same,” Martin looks intently at Max, hoping to get through to him. “We sin, we do wrong, and we need God. I accepted him, and now you have a chance to accept him, too.”

  Max shakes his head and taps his hand on the controller, frustrated with the battle raging inside of him. He just can’t accept what Martin is saying. Not after what happened.

  “You’re wrong, Martin,” Max replies. “We’re not the same. No one is dead because of you.”

  “Max,” Martin wants to say more, but he feels the Holy Spirit restraining him. He gives Max some space and, after a few minutes of silence, they agree to finish their tournament.