Don't Judge Me

by Phylicia Joannis

CHAPTER NINE

  The Truth Hurts

  The next day at school is dreary for everyone. It’s raining, and exams are being passed out in every class before the Christmas break. Jennifer scrunches her brow in frustration as she chews her pen in Chemistry class. She can’t concentrate on the bond formula in front of her to save her life. On her paper are two hydrogen molecules, two oxygen molecules, and one jumbled mass of scribbling.

  Jennifer’s mind floats back to Tammie. What was she thinking? Didn’t the world have enough pregnant teenage girls? Why wasn’t she content with doing things God’s way?

  Jennifer rubs her forehead. The bible is clear that certain people will not go to heaven. Fornicators won’t go. Neither will liars, like her father. Her mother is glad for his conversion, but Jennifer remains skeptical. It wouldn’t be the first time he walked down an aisle making vows he’d soon break. He’d done it to her mother, to his children, and to everyone close to him too many times to count. Why should she believe he’d change? What was so different now?

  Jennifer knows she can’t trust him, not after all he’s put her through. She’ll never trust him again. He is her father, yes, but that means nothing if he can’t keep his word.

  “Five minutes!” Jennifer barely registers her Chemistry teacher’s warning. She glances down again at her exam. It is a poor sight to see. She tries her best to concentrate with the remaining time she has. When her time expires, Jennifer reluctantly allows her teacher to take her exam.

  “Maybe I’ll get a C,” Jennifer quietly tries to reassure herself. After class, Martin catches her by the arm.

  “Hey, do you want to grab something to eat after school?” he asks.

  “Sure!” Jennifer smiles. She could use a break after bombing that exam. Besides, she and Martin haven’t spent very much time together lately, even after reconciling. They both are involved in sports that take up a lot of their free time.

  The bell ending school comes as a relief to everyone. The rain stops and the sun shyly peeks out from behind a cloud. Jennifer meets Martin in the school parking lot and they stop at a local burger place, choosing to eat their food in his car. There are tables outside, but the clouds are still thick in the sky, and it could rain at any moment.

  Martin glances at Jennifer as she finishes eating. He’s been considering telling her about Johnny for a few weeks now. She’s become one of his closest friends, and he feels she should know. She seems to be ready to talk to him, so Martin grabs her garbage and tosses it in the back. Thinking twice, Martin grabs the garbage and puts it in a bag. His parents just bought him this car. He doesn’t want them to see it dirty.

  “Jen, I want to talk to you about something,” he begins.

  Jennifer looks at him and smiles. “Sure, Martin.”

  “Well, it’s kind of a difficult thing. I don’t even know how to start.” Martin looks out his window as a group of hysterical kids run by. “It’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I just wasn’t sure you’d be ready.”

  Jennifer nods, seeming to understand. “Martin, whatever it is, you don’t have to be afraid to tell me. I’m sure I can take it. I want to know about whatever you’re feeling.” Despite her calm exterior, Jennifer is turning flips inside. Is Martin about to tell her he likes her? Is this really happening?

  Martin exhales and turns his full face back to Jennifer. “Do you remember Johnny Reese?”

  Jennifer, caught off guard by his question, raises her eyebrows in confusion. “The guy you fought a few months ago? Yea, I remember him.”

  What does he have to do with anything? Jennifer wonders.

  “Well, there’s more to the story.” Martin hesitates before saying anything else. Jennifer looks at him quizzically, and he considers dropping the subject altogether.

  “What more can there be?” Jennifer asks. “You fought him, you were suspended, and you came back to school.”

  “Well, I took things more personally than that,” Martin continues.

  Jennifer is completely lost. She thought Martin was talking about how he felt about her. Now he’s taking a completely different route and talking about Johnny Reese instead. It can’t be…

  “Martin?” Jennifer has to ask. “Did you have…um…feelings for him?”

  “Who? Johnny?” Martin’s eyes widen as he realizes what Jennifer is asking him. “No! No, no, no, that’s not what I meant. Not in a million years, Jen.” He looks at her and laughs. Jennifer can’t help laughing either.

  “That’s a relief,” she giggles. “I didn’t take you for the type, but these days you never know.”

  “Well, just so we’re clear, no I do NOT have feelings for Johnny Reese—or any other guy.”

  “I’m sorry to get you off track,” Jennifer laughs. “Please continue.”

  Martin clears his throat and picks up where he left off. “Well, what I meant by ‘personally’ is that I held him responsible for everything that happened after the fight. Every pain, every annoyance, every struggle I went through I directly associated with him.”

  The humor that was in Martin’s voice a moment ago disappears. “I hated him for causing me so much trouble. So much that I wanted to kill him.”

  Jennifer nods and observes the intense expression on Martin’s face as he speaks. “Is that what’s bothering you, Martin? You wanted to hurt Johnny because of what happened?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt him, Jen,” Martin corrects her. “I wanted to kill him. Me and Max both went to his house a few days after the fight. I snuck out of Mr. James’ place. I had a knife in my back pocket and a lot of hell in my heart. We followed Johnny to a park in his neighborhood. Max didn’t know what I was planning to do, so when he saw the knife he freaked. He tried to tell me it wasn’t worth it, but I pushed him away and told him to go home.”

  “I almost killed him, Jen,” Martin looks at her, trying to gauge her reaction. “I took a step off the curb, ready to end his life. Then a car came out of nowhere, and I don’t know how it didn’t hit me directly, but it spun me around and knocked me down. It scared me, Jen. It scared me enough to put me on my knees and beg God for forgiveness.”

  “Wow,” Jennifer exhales.

  “I’m glad the experience drove me to Christ, but if I had the chance to do it over again, I’d do it differently.”

  Jennifer is quiet a long time, so much so that it unnerves him.

  “Jen?” Martin looks at her. “Talk to me?”

  “I was just thinking,” Jennifer shakes her head. “What kind of friend would leave you like that?”

  “What do you mean?” Martin asks. “Max?”

  “Yes! I mean, he could have at least watched from a distance. Did he think to call the police, or anybody else to try to stop you? Why would he just leave?”

  “I guess I didn’t think about it that way,” Martin wasn’t expecting this. “I think he did the right thing.”

  “Well I think he was a lousy friend. Friends are supposed to look out for one another. It just makes me sick! Sometimes I wonder if good friends even exist! Being a Christian and trying to stay away from worldly things is hard enough when you’re by yourself, but when your so-called Christian friends turn their back on the faith it’s even worse.”

  Martin raises his eyebrows. “Well, Max isn’t a Christian, and at the time I wasn’t either, Jen. I think he was drunk at the time.”

  “I’m not talking about you and Max, Martin,” Jennifer sighs. “I’m talking about me and Tammie.”

  “Tammie?”

  “Yep.” Jennifer’s lip tightens into a thin line. “Apparently she and Devon have been messing around and now she’s pregnant.”

  Martin’s expression turns from disbelief to shock and he sits up in his seat. “Are you serious? Tammie?”

  Jennifer nods. “Yes, Tammie. The same Tammie who went to True Love Waits with me, and promised to look out for me and keep me in check if I ever needed it. I promised the same thing to her. I guess she didn’t take it as seriou
sly as I did.”

  Jennifer looks at Martin and makes a face. “Devon is her first boyfriend, Martin. Couldn’t she keep her promise for at least one boyfriend?”

  Martin sits quietly in thought. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her, Jen,” Martin offers. “Considering what I know about her, and the kind of environment she’s in, it can’t be easy for her. It’s not the same as it is with you or me. Our parents set an example for us. Not badmouthing her mom or anything, but your mom doesn’t have a new boyfriend every week. I have both my parents, and even though your parents are divorced all of you have the same father.”

  “God! Don’t get me started on my father,” Jennifer rolls her eyes. “He supposedly rededicated his life to the Lord, but we’ll see how long that lasts.”

  “I saw him go down to the altar,” Martin looks at Jennifer curiously. “He looked sincere to me. Do you think maybe he wasn’t?”

  Jennifer backpedals. “I can’t judge whether or not he was sincere, but from my experience he’s always looked the part of a penitent man. His actions tell a different story, though.”

  “I’m sorry, Jen,” Martin shrugs. “It’s better than having no father at all, though, right?”

  Jennifer makes a face. “That’s debatable too. As far as I’m concerned, my dad and Tammie can keep playing their little games. It’s already caught up with Tammie, and it’s going to catch up to my father one day too.”

  Martin shakes his head. “I don’t know much about your dad, Jennifer, but I don’t think Tammie’s playing games. I mean, is she still with Devon? Are they still having sex?”

  “I don’t know!” Jennifer exclaims. “I didn’t bother asking.”

  Martin looks intently at Jennifer. “Well, Jen, maybe you should talk to her. Find out what’s going on and see if you can help her. I’m sure she needs you.”

  Jennifer lowers her eyebrows and sucks in her teeth. “Martin, she lied to me, okay? She broke our trust! If she wanted to talk to me she should have done it before jumping into bed with Devon. Now it’s too late. I can’t help her.”

  “Is that really how you feel, Jennifer?” Martin frowns at Jennifer.

  “Yes it is,” she states belligerently.

  “So one mistake and that’s it?” Martin asks.

  “What are you talking about, Martin?” Jennifer folds her arms and stares at him.

  “I’m talking about you ending the relationship because your friends are human. Yes, Tammie should have talked to you. No, Tammie should not have had sex with Devon, but you’re still her friend. Now you’re just going to cut her out of your life? It doesn’t even have anything to do with you, Jen!”

  “Yes it does!” Jennifer snaps. “As Christians we’re like family—we’re connected. Everything she does affects me. Tammie is like my sister, and what she did broke my heart.” Jennifer quickly wipes away a stray tear.

  Martin softens his tone. “I understand that, Jennifer. I do. But she’s still your friend. I’m going to make mistakes too, Jen. And so are you.”

  “No, not mistakes like that,” Jennifer sniffs. “I will never do what she did.”

  “Even so, you haven’t been doing things the way Christ showed us.”

  “What are you talking about?” Jennifer already knows what he means.

  Martin scratches his head. “Well, for starters, the way you treat Max isn’t Christ-like.”

  “Max is a jerk!” Jennifer defends herself.

  “A few weeks ago you said the same thing about me,” Martin replies.

  “It’s not the same, Martin,” Jennifer states. “You’re different.”

  “What makes me different, Jennifer?”

  She can’t say what she is feeling. Not yet. “Because you’re my friend.”

  “So is Tammie. Jen, you’ve been friends with her way longer than you’ve been friends with me. Don’t let that go to waste.”

  Jennifer looks at her fingers and bites her lip, but says nothing.

  Martin waits a while but Jennifer is silent. He knows from her expression that she doesn’t have anything else she is willing to share with him.

  “At least think about what I said?” he asks. She only nods in reply. She turns to the window just as it begins to rain. Martin rolls the windows up and turns on the car. Though she’s looking away, Martin can tell Jennifer is crying. He hopes to change that before she gets out of the car, but she doesn’t give him the chance. As soon as he pulls up to her house Jennifer gets out.

  “Jen!” he calls out to her, but she won’t turn around. Martin sighs in exasperation as he heads home.