Love Songs (Secret Songbook #1)

by Jamie Campbell

  The day you walked into my life,

  I didn’t know I was in for such strife,

  The magical way our eyes met,

  I had landed right in your net,

  You reeled me in without a thought,

  And I realized I had been caught.

  That’s exactly what he did. He had thrown his net over her and she was a goner. She didn’t have a chance of getting away from him when he had hooked her like a fish. She was dangling on his line, from that first moment right up until now. She geared up for the chorus.

  You can fall, you can dive,

  You’ll know that you’re alive,

  You can bleed, you can hurt,

  But that won’t be the worst,

  Some say love is the best,

  But they’re just like the rest,

  You might think I’m wrong,

  But this is an anti-love song.

  She let her fingers move across the strings, not even caring to notice what they were doing. The music was feeding her soul, healing her from within.

  It was so terribly tragic,

  The way you cast your magic,

  I was taken completely unaware,

  It really wasn’t very fair,

  The way you stole my heart,

  You really tore me all apart.

  The beat started getting faster, the tempo uplifting. As the words escaped Kaley’s lips, she could feel everything she had been keeping inside start to leave.

  So Eli was the guy of her dreams, the one boy that actually saw her. She didn’t need him, she was fine before him and would be after.

  So I’m telling you to leave me alone,

  Stop calling me on the telephone,

  I don’t want to fall in love,

  I’ve had a sign from above,

  Love struck fools all end the same,

  And I’m not playing that game.

  She returned to the chorus, letting the words turn from soulful to edgy. She felt like screaming out the lyrics, making sure the universe knew she was done with love.

  I don’t care about your cute dimples,

  Or the way your nose crinkles,

  You can whisper all kinds of things,

  And shower me with golden bling,

  But I’m too smart to fall for that,

  You can have absolutely everything back.

  You can fall, you can dive,

  You’ll know that you’re alive,

  You can bleed, you can hurt,

  But that won’t be the worst,

  Some say love is the best,

  But they’re just like the rest,

  You might think I’m wrong,

  But this is an anti-love song.

  By the end of the last chorus, Kaley was breathless from the effort. She put down the guitar and got out her songbook with hesitation.

  She didn’t want to write anything in there anymore, but she had to. She couldn’t stop doing what she loved. Music was as necessary to her as breathing, there was no other option except to keep going with it.

  She hastily scribbled down the words and notes to the song before she could forget them. For the entire time it took, she didn’t think about anything else.

  For the first time that day, she actually had no thoughts of Eli or Abigail. It was a momentary feeling of nothing but sheer bliss.

  Chapter 30

  When Kaley awoke the next morning, she didn’t feel the black cloud that had hovered over her the day before. Her first thought was not of doom and gloom, bullies and hurt, but of her song. It was her new anthem.

  Whenever she started to have doubts and worries, she replayed the song in her head and was reminded she could live without Eli if she needed to. She didn’t need anyone or anything except her guitar.

  Standing in her bedroom, Kaley wondered what she should do with herself. It was Sunday morning, one she would normally spend with Harper doing something to pass the time. Sometimes they would go for a long walk along the waterfront or flick through magazines and share newly learned gossip. Anything that didn’t require much effort or planning.

  This Sunday was different. Harper wasn’t talking to her and she wasn’t sure if she was talking to Harper either. She had read her songbook, the most private possession she owned. It was probably only unintentional but it hurt anyway.

  No matter who was at fault, Kaley wasn’t ready to speak with her yet. Soon, but not yet. The sting of embarrassment was still burning her skin.

  There was only one person Kaley wouldn’t mind talking to. She hadn’t heard from Eli for a full twenty-four hours now and it was starting to concern her. She didn’t want Abigail to be right, more than anything she wanted to prove her wrong. She pulled out her cell phone and called Eli.

  “Hey.” Eli answered after only a few rings.

  “Hey, it’s Kaley.”

  “So my caller ID said. What’s up?” He didn’t sound his usual happy self, something was distracting him. It immediately put doubt into Kaley’s mind about whether she should have called him or not.

  Yet she was his girlfriend, surely she had a right to call her boyfriend whenever she felt like it. That’s the way it was supposed to work, right?

  “Nothing much. I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to do something today?”

  Silence.

  She could hear Eli breathing but not making any other sound. Did he really have to think about whether he wanted to hang out with his girlfriend on a Sunday? The answer should have been a resounding yes, not an ‘I’ll think about it’.

  “You don’t have to. I just thought if you were bored too, we could be bored together,” Kaley added to try and get over the awkward pause. She wanted an answer, she needed him to say something.

  “I’m kind of busy today.”

  “Oh.” She wasn’t going to give up so easily, that’s exactly what Abigail would have wanted. “Anything I can help with?”

  “No, it’s kind of complicated,” Eli muttered, it was as if he was half asleep and having trouble holding a conversation. It was just after ten o’clock in the morning, it’s not like she had rung really early.

  “I guess I’ll let you get back to it then.”

  “Yeah, I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

  “School, yeah.” Kaley was disappointed, she so badly wanted to spend the day with him. Her worries were creeping back into her mind despite pushing them away with all her strength. She desperately didn’t want to be one of those clingy girlfriends, but she couldn’t keep the burning question inside any longer. “Eli, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just busy. That’s all.”

  “Okay, then.”

  “Bye.”

  Eli hung up before she could even get the word out herself. Kaley stared at the phone, completely unsure what the whole conversation was about. He didn’t have the warmth in his voice she was used to. He wasn’t talking to her with the same intimacy a couple shared.

  Was she on the outside now? Was he trying to tell her he didn’t want to see her at all? Not just today, but forever? If that was the case, she wished he would just come right out and say it. It wasn’t fair to break her heart over days instead of just ripping it off like a Band-Aid. She didn’t want her hurt to be prolonged.

  Kaley put the phone away and decided she needed a distraction. She needed to put her mind to something else and pretend her whole mess didn’t exist. She could deal with it all again tomorrow at school, for now she needed something else to occupy her mind.

  Something productive.

  She looked over at the window next door, Harvey wasn’t in his bedroom. She wondered if he was home, perhaps working on their science project would do the trick. She went next door.

  Mrs. Walker let her into the house, informing Kaley that Harvey was in the living room. She went through and found him watching television, some business affairs program was on that looked completely boring.

  “Hey, Harv. Watcha doing?”

  “What does it look like I�
�m doing?” He glanced at her quickly, it wasn’t a good sign.

  “Watching TV, right. I was thinking we could work on the rocket? Do you feel like getting your science nerd on?” She tried to make it sound fun, the last thing she wanted was to be turned away. He was the only person still sort of speaking to her.

  “I guess.” He turned the television off and led her through to the backyard without another word. Apparently words were in short supply all around that morning and could only be used sparsely.

  They pulled out the pieces of the rocket and laid them on the grass in the yard. They still had a fairly long way to go yet, it felt like they had a million pieces left to glue together.

  At least it would take some time, keep her busy for a while so she didn’t have to think about anything else. It was exactly what she needed, if only Harvey could see that.

  They worked together in silence, their clunky hands getting in each other’s way. Nothing seemed to be going right. If Kaley glued something, the glue wouldn’t set. If Harvey used the tape it doubled over on itself and refused to go where it should. The whole project was at risk of being ruined with their efforts.

  “This isn’t working,” Kaley said at last, her hands covered in glue and stickier than she would have liked.

  “Well, maybe if we had more time we wouldn’t have to be rushing it at the last minute,” Harvey snapped, it took her by surprise. She wasn’t expecting him to be so frustrated by it all, he was normally the calm one of the two. And it wasn’t her fault, right?

  “We’ve had plenty of time.”

  “You’ve been here exactly twice to work on it.”

  It had felt like more times, surely it couldn’t have only been twice. Kaley tried to remember, the first time had been to cut out all the pieces and work out how they were going to do it. The next time had been to start putting it together.

  And that was it, she had only worked on it twice outside of school. He was right, it wasn’t enough time. Guilt started to play on her, she didn’t realize she had completely blown off the project. Another thing she had to add to her list of things she had to make up for.

  “I’m so sorry. But I’m here now and I’m really trying but nothing is working for me.” She shook her hand, trying to get the piece of plywood from it. “When is it due, anyway?”

  “Next week.”

  “Oh.” She tried to find some confidence, even if only fake. “We can do it, that’s a whole week. We can work on it after school and next weekend.”

  “I don’t like leaving things to the last minute.”

  “It’s not really last minute.”

  Harvey cringed as she dropped a piece of the rocket’s nose. “Why don’t you just go? I’ll finish it on my own.”

  Kaley stopped in her tracks and looked at him. Was that really what he wanted? She wasn’t prepared to bail on him and she never left others to do her share of the work, it wasn’t right. She hated girls that did that, she wasn’t going to be one of them.

  However, the expression on his face made her resolve waver. He wasn’t looking at her, he was purely focused on the piece of rocket he was working on.

  As she studied him, he wasn’t the familiar Harvey she knew so well. He was like a stranger, some guy that happened to be there with her by chance. It was a terrible feeling.

  “I want to do it,” Kaley said, hoping to convince him. After all, she couldn’t help it if things weren’t going right that morning. It wasn’t like she was a curse or something, right? She was just trying to do her best – like him.

  In her haste to prove her intentions, Kaley dropped another piece of wood, breaking it into two pieces. She crouched down, hoping it would be repairable.

  “Just go, Kaley,” Harvey said with a voice of steel. There was no question it was an order.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Kaley left the piece of wood and put the lid back on the glue. Harvey didn’t even look up as she walked from the yard. She wanted to cry, not just about the stupid project but because now everyone had officially stopped talking to her.

  There was no-one else left to call or visit, she had alienated them all. Kaley was completely alone.

  She returned home, stepping through the front door in seconds. More than anything, she wanted to hit the rewind button and go back a few weeks. She wouldn’t make any of the mistakes she had made, she would make it all right again. She wished that was possible more than anything else.

  Never in her life had she felt so terrible. She was a bad friend, a bad project partner, a bad girlfriend, she was even a bad enemy – never letting Abigail see the hurt she caused her. There was nothing she touched that didn’t turn bad.

  She decided she needed to start turning things around.

  Everything she had learned told her it was up to her to make wrongs right again. If only it was that easy, she had no idea how to even do that. How could she fix broken relationships when they were so damaged in only an instant?

  Kaley decided to start with the one person that had to forgive her – Mom.

  Georgie was in the living room, sorting through the laundry. Kaley picked up a shirt and started folding. At least she couldn’t mess that up like she had the rocket.

  “I’m sorry I was rude to you yesterday,” Kaley apologized, glancing at her mother to gauge her reaction.

  “Thank you,” Georgie replied. “Do you want to talk about what happened between you and Harper?”

  “Not really.”

  “It might help,” she prodded gently.

  Kaley weighed her options, it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk it over. After all, her innermost feelings had been exposed yesterday anyway. Why stop there?

  “Harper read my journal.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know you kept one.”

  “It’s kind of a book of songs I’ve written, but it’s like my journal.”

  Georgie stopped mid-fold. “You write songs?”

  “Not good ones.”

  “How come you’ve never told me before?”

  Why did everyone have to get so hung up on that? Kaley sighed with exasperation. “Because it’s private. I write them to say what I can’t speak out loud. All my secrets are in those songs.”

  Georgie nodded thoughtfully. “I can see why you were so upset then. Did Harper know it was your journal?”

  “No.”

  “So you can see why she was so upset then.”

  Damn reason and logic, Kaley cursed in her head. If she listened to Mother Barbie, it meant she owed Harper an apology.

  But she wasn’t prepared to do that yet. “She still shouldn’t have done it.”

  “I know it hurts, but is it worth losing your best friend over? You’ve been friends since you were just little girls.”

  “I guess not.”

  “So you know what you’ve got to do then.” Georgie placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Is that all that is bothering you?”

  Kaley couldn’t keep it in any longer, she decided to confess all while she was on a roll. “Harvey hates me so he’s not talking to me. Eli doesn’t seem to want to talk to me either. The only one that is speaking to me is Abigail and that’s only to insult me.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “What, no words of wisdom?”

  “Sorry, honey. It sounds like you’ve got some things to sort out. You’re growing up, I can’t tell you what to do anymore.”

  Great, so I am on my own, Kaley thought to herself. Just when she wanted Mother Barbie to interfere, she decided to take a stand and teach her a lesson. So not what she needed right now.

  What happened to the days when she would tell Georgie everything and she would fix it all for her? Those were the days – and they appeared to be over.

  “How do I fix everything?”

  “You need to work out what you want to fix first.”

  Kaley let the words sink in. What did she want fixed? She wanted Harper and Harvey to talk to her again, she wanted to repair that friendship abo
ve all.

  Next, she wanted Eli to be her real boyfriend again. She wanted him to be sweet and kind and nice like he was before.

  And then there was Abigail, she wanted her to leave her alone. Surely none of those things was asking too much? She wasn’t asking for world peace or anything.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to do it,” Kaley confessed, deciding perhaps giving up was an option too. She could live out her life as a lonely spinster with thirteen cats and no friends. That was always an option.

  “Maybe your music can give you the answers,” Georgie said cryptically.

  “Sure,” Kaley replied, not having any idea what she meant but humoring her anyway. If she asked, she probably wouldn’t explain it anyway. Not with her newfound tough love stance.

  “I used to write songs when I was younger,” Georgie announced out of the blue.

  Kaley looked at her, unsure whether she heard correctly. Mother Barbie as a songwriter? She didn’t buy it, it was so far out of the realm of possibilities it seemed like make believe. “You used to write songs?”

  “Yeah, all the time. I didn’t show them to people either,” she said casually, like it was no big deal. “I put all my teenage angst into the lyrics so I didn’t punch a wall.”

  Kaley laughed, trying to picture it. “Did you ever play them for people?”

  “No, they were my little secret too. I wish I did now, though. The greatest gift you can give people is sharing something special with them. Who knows, they might have been feeling the same things that I was. We could have commiserated together. Music heals, you know.”

  “It does. Do you still have them?”

  “They’re packed away somewhere. I’ll show you sometime, if you show me yours.”

  Suddenly, knowing her mother was a fellow songwriter, it didn’t seem so terrible showing the songs to her. Perhaps she would understand how precious and personal they were. She could do that, she felt like it was safe to entrust her secret to her.