To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance)

by Kilby, Joan

  His gaze moved ahead, combing the rocky headland now only twenty yards away. Waves crashed over the black basalt slabs and foamed back into the sea. The area was riven with deep channels and dotted with tide pools. Every year along the coast drownings occurred when unwary fishermen were swept from the rocks.

  Katie appeared at the top of a dune and waved to get his attention. “She’s not at the cottage or along the road.” From the height of her vantage point, she scanned the beach. Then she gave a cry. “There she is!” She started running toward the tide pools.

  John began to run. A moment later he caught sight of two jaunty pigtails. Tuti was kneeling at the edge of a pool, peering in, oblivious to the waves crashing just meters behind her. Waves came in sets. Every so often a big one came in.... He sprinted. “Tuti!”

  She looked up, then over her shoulder just in time to see a huge wave, so big it didn’t break but moved as a wall of green water, flowing across the rock. It picked her up and sucked her back out. Her small arms flailed, her eyes were wild. Katie screamed.

  John sprinted across the sand then did a running dive into the water, battling the force of the surge. He popped to the surface. Tuti was barely a body length away, her arms reaching out to him in the roiling trough of the wave. He had to get to her before the next surge dashed her against the rocks. His feet found purchase on a rock and he pushed off, stretching out his hand…he tried to grab her but her wet suit was ripped from his grasp. His hand slid down her leg. He caught her ankle, held on tight and pulled.

  She came up sputtering and coughing, her pigtails dripping. He circled her in his arms, shielding her as the wave pushed him onto the rocks. Pain sliced through his body. He couldn’t protect himself or pull himself out. All he could do was stop Tuti from being bashed. Then Katie was standing above him at the edge of the basalt ledge, water swirling around her braced legs. He passed Tuti up to her and she hauled the girl out of his arms.

  He was bleeding from half a dozen gashes, including his forehead. None of that mattered. Tuti was safe. He kicked hard, fighting to get away from the sharp-edged rocks. Then he let the next big surge carry him in and up. He grabbed on to a rock, clinging with his hands, even his toes as the water sucked out again. And before the next rush of water came he dragged himself out and collapsed on the rocks.

  * * *

  KATIE PACED THE the corridor of the Wonthaggi Hospital, waiting for John to come out from having his cuts and abrasions treated. This was a switch—her pacing a hospital waiting room for him.

  Tuti, with barely a scratch on her, sported a half-dozen cartoon bandages on her hands and feet. If she hadn’t been in a wet suit the injuries would have been much worse. She sat in a plastic chair, swinging her legs as she played a handheld computer game. Every now and then she glanced up at Katie, and then at the door through which her father had gone fifteen minutes ago.

  The Wonthaggi Hospital was smaller than the Frankston Hospital but the same odor of antiseptic and illness pervaded. Every now and then a wave of panic would roll over Katie as she flashed back to seeing first Tuti swept away then John pushed against the rocks like a rag doll.

  He was lucky to be alive. Only his cool head, immense strength and his water skills had allowed him to judge the timing of the surge and use its force to haul himself out onto the rocks. Even then, he’d just lain there and she hadn’t been sure if he was dead. She would never forget that moment. The world had stopped. Then he’d groaned and lifted his head. And the world began to turn again.

  After the wave of panic came the anger. It was all his fault for forcing Tuti to do something she didn’t want to do. Katie could have lost them both. Then what would she have done? She’d been fine on her own before. Yes, it was a little lonely at times but not painful. Finding and then losing them would be devastating.

  But as the minutes ticked on the big wall clock over reception her natural honesty kicked in. If she and John had been watching Tuti instead of arguing they would have seen her run away. All that stuff about parenting issues had poured out, but really it was a power struggle not so different than they’d had years ago when she’d been sick. They both thought they were right and there was no room for compromise.

  Unless they worked this out their old issues weren’t going away anytime soon. Which meant they probably weren’t ready for cohabitation, much less the bigger commitment of marriage. They could pack their bags and move across the country but their problems would tag along wherever they settled.

  The doors opened. John walked out, bandages on his head, arm and knee. Tuti jumped up and ran to hug him.

  Katie hung back. When he got closer she hesitantly leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “Aren’t we a pair? I’m finally off my crutches and now you’re bashed up.”

  “I’m fine,” he grunted. “It’s only a few stitches.”

  “Spoken like a man.” She stroked Tuti’s head then lightly tugged on a pigtail. “You deserve a medal for the way you rescued this little scamp.”

  “I’m not a scamp! I’m a girl.” Tuti skipped ahead to “open” the automatic sliding doors to the outside. “And I’m not going in the ocean ever again!”

  Katie glanced at John. “Reassure her. Tell her she doesn’t have to.”

  The taut muscle in his jaw ticked. His response was low, in a voice not intended to carry to his daughter. “I’m not going to say that. She will have to swim in the ocean. Sooner or later.”

  Katie started to protest then decided to let the matter drop for now. Tuti was watching them, no doubt aware of the tension. She didn’t want to argue with John in front of Tuti. Didn’t want the strain between them to make the girl feel insecure with the two people she loved the most—in Australia, that is. At least she hoped Tuti loved her. God knows, Katie loved her.

  If the day came when she and John weren’t even friends anymore, she would lose contact with the girl. The possibility was so awful she couldn’t bear thinking about it.

  Nothing about today bore thinking about. No sooner had she and John got back together than cracks had appeared in their relationship. Not simple problems, either, but conflicts that threatened the very foundations of their still-fragile love. Tonight they had to talk.

  Dinner was a mostly silent affair, a simple meal of hamburgers cooked on the barbecue. The warmth had gone out of the day and by the time the sun set, dark clouds again loomed on the horizon. Katie did the dishes while John put Tuti to bed early. For once the girl didn’t protest. Her ordeal seemed to have drained her of mischief. She snuggled up in bed with her doll and a teddy bear.

  Katie sat on the couch pretending to read a magazine but the words danced on the page. The hamburger lay like a lump of clay in her stomach.

  John came out of Tuti’s room. Instead of sitting next to her he took the chair opposite.

  She set the magazine aside, bracing herself for the argument ahead. She would endure the anger and harsh words because she wanted so badly to connect with him. Hopefully, she could appeal to his rationality and keep the peace. Although her emotions were such a tangled mess she wasn’t sure she had any rationality herself.

  While she was mentally composing her opening remark John got straight to the point. “All that crap that came out on the beach when we were discussing Tuti was symptomatic of all our problems. I’m her father. I know her better than anyone. Yet you dismiss me as not having any valid viewpoint.”

  “I don’t dismiss you—”

  “You do. You di
d when you had cancer, too. Now you’re doing it again with Tuti. You are the expert and I know nothing.”

  “When I—?” Her jaw dropped. “I was the one who was sick.”

  “Exactly. I was afraid for you. Terrified you were going to die. Do you know how that feels?”

  “I have an idea,” she murmured, thinking of what had happened in the water. Yes, now she had an inkling of what he’d gone through, but he went through it for months—not minutes. She should have been more empathetic.

  He didn’t seem to hear her agree. “Did you care how I felt? No, you were stubborn as hell. You went ahead and did it your way instead of getting the treatment you needed to ensure your survival. You wouldn’t even get the genetic testing to see if you had the BRCA gene, the one your mother had.”

  “I already had cancer. What difference would testing have made? I had chemo, a lumpectomy and radiotherapy. Wasn’t that enough?”

  “You could have been tested. You could have had the mastectomy so the cancer wouldn’t recur. You didn’t do everything you could to save yourself. If you’d loved me, if you’d wanted a future with me, you would have done whatever it took to stay alive.” His voice had risen with each sentence and now he was practically yelling. “All I wanted was for you to be alive!”

  “That’s easy for you to say now.” Furious, Katie stood and began pacing between the tiny hall and the couch. She was trying to control herself but her voice was raised, too. “If I’d ended up with no breasts it might have been a different story.”

  “We’ll never know, will we? Because you didn’t give me the chance to prove my love.”

  “Oh, and I suppose abandoning me was your way of proving you loved me?” She flung a hand in the air. “Well, was it?”

  “You pushed me away. Even before you were sick you wouldn’t commit to marriage. Then when you got cancer, well, that was pretty convenient, wasn’t it? Can’t set a date when you don’t know if you’ll be alive for the wedding.”

  Katie gasped. “I can’t believe you said that.”

  He didn’t apologize, just went in for the kill. “You weren’t willing to take a chance on our future. Why should I stick around for another serve of heartbreak? I didn’t want to watch you die.”

  “I didn’t. I survived.”

  “Through sheer good luck.”

  “Through good diet, exercise, natural remedies, meditation—”

  They were toe-to-toe, in each other’s face.

  “Go ahead and believe that if you want.”

  “I do believe it. I’m living proof.”

  “You got lucky. That time.”

  “You’re angry because I didn’t do what you wanted me to.”

  “You’re treating me like a bad person just because I disagree with you. You of all people should know how it feels to be lost and alone and frightened because the one you love best is leaving you. You must have felt that when your mother died. Just as I felt it when you were ill. Who abandoned who?”

  Katie pressed fingers to her throbbing temples. “What are we doing? Where are we going with this? Let’s not fight.”

  “Do you call this fighting? We’re working things out.”

  “It’s fighting and I hate it. Why can’t you just love me no matter what? Why does it have to be conditional on me doing what you want? My mother and father were devoted to each other. I never heard them argue, not once.”

  “I adored your mother, don’t get me wrong. She was the sweetest-natured person I ever knew. But she was so passive she wouldn’t have said ‘boo’ to a goose. As for your father, I suspect he just agreed then did whatever the hell he wanted.” John shook his head wearily. “Just because you didn’t hear them argue doesn’t mean their marriage was all sunshine and roses.”

  “They adored each other,” Katie insisted. She sat and tucked her hands between her knees. “My father would do anything for my mother. Anything.”

  John met this statement with a cynical eye roll. “You do realize no red-blooded man would ever actually do that, don’t you?”

  “My father was a major in the army. Are you accusing him of not being red-blooded?”

  “I’m saying, no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the two people involved. You’re painting your mother as a saint and your father as a martyr.”

  “They loved each other.”

  “So do my parents. And they fight all the time.”

  “And that’s what scares me.” This whole conversation was scaring her. John wasn’t listening to her at all. Just like his father didn’t really listen to his mother. Nor had John ever seriously considered her side of the argument about her treatment, or about Tuti, for that matter. She didn’t doubt he loved her. But did he respect her?

  He couldn’t, not if he refused to compromise. He accused her of dismissing his concerns. Well, he wasn’t discussing the issues so much as laying down the law. His law. He’d decided to move to Tinman Island and that was that. He was taking Tuti away from her new home, uprooting her again. Didn’t he give credence to Katie’s experience working with children? To her own desire to do what was best for Tuti?

  If he didn’t respect her, if he didn’t think she was worthy enough to have a legitimate viewpoint on the important subjects of her health care and his daughter, then maybe that wasn’t the kind of love she wanted. It wasn’t the kind of love her parents had, where a couple worked through their differences and achieved a compromise.

  John reached across the gap between the chair and the couch and took both her hands in his. “Katie, I’m going to lay it on the line. I need an answer from you before I hear about Tinman Island. I need to know…”

  She swallowed. He looked so serious. “Yes?”

  “I love you. I want to marry you. If I get the job, I want you to come with Tuti and me. You would make us both so happy.”

  Her throat was clogged with tears. He didn’t get it. He just didn’t get it. They were still talking around the real issue. Could she trust him not to leave her again if she got sick and didn’t do things his way? “You’re not listening to me.”

  “I heard every word you said. I woke up this morning with you in my bed and I was so happy. Come with me. Please.”

  Her hands lay limp in his. What was the point? He would never understand. So she talked around the issue, too. “Summerside is my home, where my people are. My history. Our history.”

  “Some of that history is hurting us. It’s holding us back from taking the next step in our relationship.”

  “Which is?”

  “Marriage. Children of our own. I believe a new home in a different location would be good for us. For all of us, Tuti included. We could be our own little family, starting fresh.” The vulnerability in his eyes was devastating. “Katie, I need this. I’m dying in Summerside. I’m only thirty-five and my life is at a dead end.”

  She tugged her hands away and twisted in her seat. “You’re pressuring me. Something this huge takes time to consider, to get used to.”

  “Last night you were all for it. What’s changed? How much time do you need?”

  She was silent. Maybe a lifetime. “How do I know we will last—that you won’t leave me again? In the past seven years you’ve never been with any woman longer than six months.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I kept track!”

  “I didn’t stick with any of those women because on some level I was waiting for you. Face it, Katie. There will never be enough time for
you to feel secure. Because you don’t really want to be with me.”

  “Yes, I do!” The words flew out of her mouth.

  Instantly he was by her side on the couch, his arms around her. “Then say yes. Say yes to us.”

  She wanted to so badly, yet still, she resisted. “I need time to think.”

  “Why?”

  Why, indeed? Part of her was screaming to say yes. “I—I’m scared. I’m not as adventurous as you are.”

  “You are if you push yourself. You got hurt on your mountain bike but you said it was still worth it.” Now he was nuzzling her neck, stroking her bare arms, kissing her behind the ear. “What happened to que sera sera?”

  He touched her breast and squeezed gently. She recognized the signs that he wanted to make love. Instinctively she shrank away. How could he feel amorous when they’d just been fighting? They hadn’t made up, not properly. The conflict between them simmered, unresolved. She couldn’t feel like having sex until that was fixed. And the conflict couldn’t be fixed until they talked more. He seemed to be done talking.

  “John, I don’t…” Gently, she pushed him away.

  The warmth in his gaze cooled. His hands slid off her. “Fine.”

  “I have a headache.” She winced at the cliché but it was true. More than that, she was drained by their emotional exchange.

  “Sure.”

  “And you’re all battered and bruised.”

  “If you don’t feel like it, you don’t feel like it.” The spark had gone out of him. He moved wearily. “Let’s just go to bed.”

  “We can talk again in the morning.”

  “If there’s anything more to say.” Without waiting for a response from her, he got up and walked down the hall.

  Katie followed him into the bedroom. She fussed with the curtains, waiting until he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth before changing into her nightie. A garment she hadn’t worn since she got there.

  He got into bed. “Did you take something for that headache?”