Your Teenager Is Not Crazy
Page 10
In other words, when determining the emotion behind a particular expression, most adults make a cognitive decision, drawing on the region of the brain where decision-making and executive function rules. Adolescents, however, express more of a gut reaction, using the area of the brain where emotion reigns supreme to decipher facial expression and the emotion behind it.7
These are the biological facts, but what does this mean for us as parents?
Psych 101
The first and most important thing we can recognize is that teenagers will misunderstand our facial expressions. It’s a when, not if, situation. According to the experts, teenagers struggle to identify the correct emotion behind an expression approximately 50 percent of the time. If our adolescent children mistakenly attribute an emotion to us half of the time, perhaps we should consider some different modes of communication.
Here are a few basic encouragements:
Rise above. If your teen mistakes your facial expression, an emotional reaction will likely follow. When your teen “flips out,” it’s difficult to keep your own temper under control. Explosive anger, hurtful accusations, and tearful or icy withdrawals can cause us to feel angry, disrespected, misunderstood, and offended. As the adult in this relationship, you are called to override your emotions using the reasoning portion of your brain. Rising above does not happen effortlessly or instinctively, however. What happens naturally is reactivity. Just because you feel an emotion doesn’t mean you have to express it. When we work on and practice rising above our own feelings, we demonstrate self-control. We also model healthy living by overriding reactivity with rational thinking.
Identify your expression. Naming your emotion is an essential and helpful mode of teaching. Remember, naming an emotion helps tame it. If your adolescent asks you, “Why are you looking at me like that?” responding with “I’m not!” probably won’t be helpful. Instead, verbalize what you are feeling and be honest. Despite their struggle to identify facial expressions, many teens have a highly-tuned “you’re faking it” meter. It may be counterproductive to plaster a forced smile of your face and ask, “What do you mean, sweetheart?” If you feel confused, say, “I feel confused.” If you feel hurt, tell your adolescent. If you’re angry, state that calmly. Talk openly with your teen. Some parents think it will create further conflict to acknowledge that they’re annoyed, angry, or afraid. On the contrary, when genuine emotion is revealed, you can work to overcome it. Name it to tame it!
Imagine with me that your fourteen-year-old son tells you that the twenty-year-old assistant baseball coach who drove him home from practice was pulled over for going 90 miles per hour on the freeway. Your son thinks it’s funny. What expression might jump onto your face? A mix of relief that he’s safe and fear at what could have been? In those moments, when emotion is rushing around inside of you, your teen is observing. He may say, “Why are you so mad?” Let’s say you respond with, “This isn’t anger, son, this is fear.” He wants to know, “What are you afraid of? Nothing happened.” “I’m afraid,” you might reply, “because I can’t control what happens when you’re in the car with someone else. I’m afraid because I can’t always protect you and I don’t want to lose you. I’m afraid because you seem to think this is funny and it’s pretty serious. And I’m disappointed in your coach for endangering everyone tonight.” This may not make complete sense to your teen, but your job right now isn’t to convince your adolescent that your emotional response is accurate. Your job is to be honest and defuse the emotionality of the situation as far as is possible.
Take ninety seconds. Social neurobiologists study how brain chemistry impacts relationships. Their research shows that emotions follow a predictable ninety-second arc. This means that any emotion you feel will rise and fall within ninety seconds if proverbial fuel isn’t added to the fire. If you know that your feelings aren’t under control, remove yourself from the situation. Excuse yourself to get a glass of water, go into the bathroom (even if all you do in there is silently scream), or flat-out say, “Look, I need to take ninety seconds here.” Some of you may be thinking, “That may work for others, but I’ve tried the whole counting to ten thing, and my teen just pushes and pushes.” Fair enough. This may happen, and it may happen often. Remember, however: you are the adult. Despite what a teen does, you can communicate, “I am trying to get my emotions under control, so I’m not going to talk again for two minutes.” Chances are, the first few times you say something like this to your teen, he or she will be annoyed or angered. Hold your ground. After seeing you take ninety seconds a few times, your teen may start to experience the same calming sensation that comes from waiting for this neurological rise and fall. In a noncombative moment, explain the biology behind your ninety-second discipline. You may be surprised at your adolescent’s reaction. Flipping out doesn’t feel good. Unbridled anger and bitterness are poisonous emotions that leave us feeling worse than when we started. Your teen may see the benefit in taking time to allow the heat of emotion to pass. Ninety seconds doesn’t solve the situation, but it puts out some of the emotional flames and lays the groundwork for healthier communication.
Understanding is not the same as excusing. Biology is never an excuse for bad behavior. Your teen will have a more difficult time with emotional regulation during the adolescent years. As all adults know, however, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You can have compassion for the difficulty your teen faces in reading emotions and facial expressions without excusing wrongdoing. The next time a conflict surrounding communication arises, consider telling your teen something like this: “You may not understand what I’m feeling or thinking right now. I am feeling ____________ and thinking ____________. I’m explaining this to you so you can understand me and make a decision as to how you’ll react. You and I can discuss this now, but I will control my temper and I expect you to do the same. If we can’t both do that right now, let’s take a few minutes and come back when we’re able to speak calmly.” One word of caution: This is a suggestion, but it’s not a formula. Communication is a very individual thing. Sadly, many parents of adolescents discount potential solutions without giving them a go. There’s no harm in trying! If your teen reacts disrespectfully, consequences are necessary. Just remember that compassion is the catchword for the teen years. Try to keep in mind just how much is happening in your teen. A little understanding goes a long way.
Faith 101
In order to write this chapter, we looked at every biblical occurrence of the word face. There were almost four hundred references!8 Many, of course, correspond to the physical appearance of particular individuals, but the Bible also talks about how the face reveals character. Even more exciting for us was studying the references to God’s face and the blessing that comes when God turns his face toward us.
In Numbers 6, the Lord instructs Moses, Aaron, and Aaron’s sons to bless the Israelites with the words, “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace” (vv. 24–26).
Because of Jesus Christ, God’s face is turned toward us in love and blessing, now and forever! His face shines upon us with grace. He turns his face to us and gives us peace. Isn’t that wonderful?
We can learn two essential spiritual lessons from the biological facts and relational implications we’ve looked at in this chapter: we are called to (1) trust in the Father’s goodness and (2) pass on the Father’s grace and peace to our adolescents.
Parenting a teen is difficult work. God alone enables us to do it well. Every day, we need to put our faith and hope in the goodness of our heavenly Father. If you don’t believe that God’s face is shining on you with grace, if you don’t understand that he loves you and sustains you, that he longs to give you peace, you won’t be able to model that for your teen. It’s not enough to know in general terms that God loves the world. Trusting in his love, grace, and peace for you is your source of help and hope.
Try It Today: Smile
According to scientists, the power of a smile is undeniable. The simple act of smiling leads to more joy, both for you and for others around you. Indeed, when we smile, a positive neural feedback loop is stimulated, reinforcing feelings of joy.9 Truly, “sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”10
The amazing health benefits of smiling have been documented as well: smiling reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, increases feelings of well-being, and enhances pleasure by releasing endorphins.11 Researchers also discovered that when we smile, not only do we appear more likeable and pleasant but others also perceive us as more competent.12 In other words, the more you smile, the more likely your teen will be to perceive you as an enjoyable and effective parent.
Still not convinced? Consider this: British scientists discovered that smiling excited the brain as much as receiving a large cash reward.13
Now that you know the benefits of smiling, here’s your action point: choose to smile more and smile often. Bring life to those around you and enjoy the positive benefits yourself!
10
Aren’t You Sorry?
After I (Jeramy) dropped the girls at school with the words, “Your behavior disgusts me” ringing in my ears, I muddled through the morning, frustrated and resentful. This was my day off, and their selfishness and bickering had ruined it. Later on, Jerusha and I were slated to outline two chapters for this book. Wouldn’t you know it? The chapters were about conflict and forgiveness. That day, God simultaneously displayed his sense of humor and his powerful, gracious conviction.
I knew I needed to apologize to the girls. Regardless of their behavior, I had expressed myself with cynicism and bitterness. I failed to use my adult brain. I didn’t exhibit self-control, kindness, patience, and love.
At the same time, I didn’t want to absolve the girls of their part in the conflict. I still felt that my frustration was warranted (even if my means of communicating it wasn’t). I still wanted to be right. That morning—as backward as it now appears in writing—I actually felt an obligation to blow up in order to get my point across and emphasize their wrong. In short, my pride threatened to block the path toward healing.
As I considered my options, it struck me again how much it costs to truly apologize. I had to admit my own wrong, trust God to work in the girls’ lives, and believe that asking for their forgiveness wouldn’t undermine my ability to lead them in addressing their own heart issues. Extending a genuine apology requires humility, and surrendering my pride seemed especially pricey.
What costs even more, however, is choosing to hang on to resentment, clinging to the illusion that I can control my adolescents’ behavior, and relinquishing the opportunity to influence their lives by modeling humility, authenticity, and empathy. Insisting that my daughters apologize to one another and to me without admitting my own wrongdoing in the situation would result in hypocrisy, and teenagers are particularly adept at recognizing hypocrisy (in everyone else!).
It would cost me far more not to apologize, so I did. I spoke to each of the girls individually and asked for their forgiveness. Both of them assumed when I walked into their rooms that I wanted them to apologize to me. It caught them off guard that I started by confessing my own inappropriate expressions of anger. The walls came down, and we were able to talk about what had happened.
Do I wish I had used my adult brain to control my emotions in the first place? Absolutely! Do I believe I would have better influenced them had I kept my cool rather than blowing up and apologizing later? Definitely! And yet, in spite of this, I believe what happened was used for the good of our family. The power of repentance, humility, and forgiveness can transform your family too.
Bio 101
A little over two decades ago, scientists discovered that “certain neurons fire when an animal performs an action, such as a mouth or limb movement, and also when the animal passively observes an identical or similar action performed by another individual.”1 A short time later, these specialized brain cells were deemed “mirror neurons,” and studies to determine the presence of a neural “mirror network” began.
While science is far from understanding these fascinating mirror neurons, research indicates that such specialized cells may help humans learn by observation, imitate, and/or recall behaviors (mirror neurons are suspected to play a role in the hippocampus, a portion of the brain which sorts and solidifies memory).2 Studies also suggest that mirror neurons may help humans interpret the actions of others and show one another empathy.3
According to Dr. Caroline Leaf, “We are entangled in each other’s lives, and this is reflected in the structure of the brain. We have ‘mirror neurons’ that fire up as we watch someone else laugh or cry or drink a cup of coffee. . . . Through these neurons we literally fire up activity in the brain without actually using our five senses.” In other words, it appears that mirror neurons allow us to experience what someone else does or feels. This ability, to “identify with, and vicariously understand, the internal experiences of another person, making communication more genuine and valuable,” is called empathy. Dr. Leaf continues, “When we empathize, many different regions of the brain collaborate in addition to the tiny, miraculous mirror neurons. We have been hard-wired to experience powerful compassion for others.”4
These mirror neurons also appear to operate when exposed to negative stimulation. For example, if I (Jerusha) struggle with doubts about being an effective mother, my anxiety and fear infect the world around me. My daughters making a comment like, “You never buy any good food,” could trigger a storm of negative, “I’m not good enough” neural firing in me. My hungry adolescent expressed her disappointment with disrespectful annoyance, but instead of focusing on her need (hunger) and her heart issue (unkind accusation), my own flood of emotions can be sponged up by my teenager.
We don’t consciously determine when mirror neurons fire. Their activation is hardwired by God into our brains. It appears that the neural mirror network can automatically produce imitation, of both positive and negative emotion and behavior. Your teen’s brain is constantly observing, evaluating, and reproducing your own behavior. Talk about evidence that parents need to model appropriate behavior!
Scientific research also indicates that for humans to understand the reasons behind an action, portions of the frontal cortex—which scientists currently believe do not contain mirror neurons—must fire along with the neural mirror network, helping identify the action and encode it into memory for future repetition.5 Here’s the reason that discovery is significant for teenagers and their parents: if the area of the brain that enables adolescents to rationally determine the motives behind an action is under construction, but mirror neurons in other regions are sponging up the feelings and actions of other people, lots of misunderstandings may arise.
When you experience conflict with your adolescent, assume that mirror neurons are firing. You can help wire into your teenager’s brain how to respond to tension wisely. If you swell with anger and react with frustration (which may, in part, be your own mirror network activating in response to your teen’s emotion and actions), you’ll likely find those negative emotions reflected in your adolescent. If you hold on to bitterness, withdraw, or stonewall your teen after a fight, what do you suppose his or her mirror neurons might do?
Consider also: Could mirror neurons play a role in apologizing? Perhaps the reason admitting your own wrong breaks down the walls around your teen’s heart is because your humility is mirrored in his or her brain (even if they don’t plan on it or want it to be). While science hasn’t definitively proven the implications of mirror neurons, we witness the power of observational learning every day as parents. Knowing that biological underpinnings likely exist helps us recognize the importance of our own choices, especially in the wake of conflict. We desire to set an example of humility and repentance and hope that you’ll choose the same.
Psych 101
Taking this high road can be difficult. Keep in mind, however, that you are equipped with an adult brain that can better process what you and your teen did, as well as why both of you acted that way. Your teen’s brain is under construction and not as well integrated as your own; his or her ability to empathize and comprehend the dynamics of a situation is more limited. Have compassion and help your adolescent to mature by modeling.
When you determine you should apologize, you can take specific steps to do it well. Though apologizing may feel weak to you, genuine humility demonstrates great strength and courage to your teen. An apology communicates that you respect your teen as a person. Telling your teen that you’ve thought things over and want to apologize also models self-reflection. To offer a strong, loving apology:
Make sure your heart is in the right place. A heartfelt, authentic apology transforms relationships. An apology offered to make the other person feel bad or so you can point out what the other person did wrong will not help matters and may, in fact, worsen them.
Express regret. This involves acknowledging you hurt the other person. Phrases such as “I’m sorry I treated you that way” can be effective.