Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Bio 101

  Puberty. What memories does that word spark in your mind? Embarrassing elementary school assemblies? An even more humiliating middle school health class? Stuffing an odd book or pamphlet in your backpack? For moms of Jerusha’s generation, perhaps it’s a Judy Blume book or “the talk” about hormones and (insert theatrical music here) “it.”

  Many if not most people believe that puberty starts with the development of sexuality and increased production of sex hormones. While this is not untrue, the reality is that all of this originates in the brain.

  As a young woman matures and neural remodeling begins, her brain becomes more “plastic” (remember, by that word we mean malleable, adaptable, and sensitive). The chemical makeup of her neurological system changes as well, particularly in the emotional limbic system. Because her limbic system becomes more readily aroused in the time before and throughout her adolescent years, teenage girls experience a figurative roller coaster of emotions that may (or perhaps we should say probably will) soar to previously unexperienced highs and plummet to undesirable lows.

  For these reasons, puberty alters the female brain and body in a manner that stretches far beyond the development of sexuality. As levels of sex hormones like estrogen and progesterone dramatically increase during puberty, the very structure of neurocircuits is chemically altered.

  In addition, as Dr. Laurence Steinberg notes, “Sex hormones promote myelination, stimulate the development of new neurons, and facilitate synaptic pruning. Puberty makes the brain more sensitive to all sorts of environmental influences, both good and bad. And it stimulates a dramatic increase in brain plasticity, making us not only more attentive to the world, but more easily influenced by it in potentially enduring ways.”1 Truly, puberty is a remarkable time of radical brain transformation.

  For many parents and their daughters, puberty also feels like an emotional tsunami hitting the family. During this season, elevated and fluctuating hormonal levels “influence a multitude of functions and emotions, including anger, sorrow, joy, memory, aggression, thirst, appetite, weight, fat distribution, the development of secondary sex characteristics . . . and higher intellectual functioning. In short, they bring about a makeover of the body and personality.”2

  Scientists once believed that genes played the primary role in determining when puberty would begin. The argument went that if your parents matured early, you likely would too. Today we understand a broader picture of how pubescence begins, which includes a complex interplay of genetic, environmental, and even familial dynamics.

  For instance, weight gain, the distribution of fat throughout the body, and the presence of the protein leptin—which stimulates production of the puberty-inducing neurochemical kisspeptin—influence the onset of puberty. The presence of “endocrine disruptors” in the environment also impacts pubescent development (we’ll discuss these later in the chapter). Even melatonin, the hormone that regulates our sleep, plays a role in puberty. Research shows that girls with higher melatonin levels go through puberty later.

  Some of the most fascinating studies about puberty demonstrate that family dynamics play a powerful role in its onset. Undue family stress can spark early pubescent development, as can the presence of non–biologically related, sexually mature males. On the other hand, girls with an active and supportive father tend to experience puberty at average and healthy ages.

  Researchers behind one study, which tracked young women over eight years, reported that a father’s presence in the home and a greater level of father-daughter affection predicted later pubertal timing. Healthy mother-father relationships also contributed strongly. “In summary, the quality of fathers’ investment in the family was the most important feature of the family environment relative to daughters’ pubertal timing.”3

  Independent clinicians have replicated these findings in other studies. Researchers who followed 762 girls concluded that a supportive father delayed puberty, and a strong relationship between parents slowed it additionally. “In contrast, the biological father’s absence, or friction between parents, is associated with earlier puberty, sexual activity and pregnancy.”4

  Bottom line: the closer the emotional connection between a father and daughter, the later she will start developing. This is fascinating in light of the fact that as girls age, fathers sometimes struggle to relate to them. It’s easy to cuddle and kiss a toddler or a six-year-old who climbs up onto Daddy’s lap. A moody thirteen-year-old can be a different story.

  It’s absolutely essential, however, that dads recognize their daughters need them. This isn’t pop psychology or a guilt-inducing parenting tip. As puberty approaches, a dad’s natural tendency may be to pull back, but this is precisely the opposite of what your daughter needs. In fact, as Dr. James Dobson so aptly notes, “Girls can read that discomfort with the accuracy of a laser.”5 Dads: affection is a gift you can give to your growing girl. Offer it freely.

  Daughters also need a general understanding of their menstrual cycle, and by that we don’t merely mean the kind offered by sterile booklets handed out to horrified sixth-graders, some (perhaps many) of whom have already started their periods. Most women don’t actually know what happens in their bodies every month. Jerusha discovered many important dynamics while reading Lorraine Pintus’s wonderfully wise, excellently researched, and compassionately written book Jump Off the Hormone Swing.6

  We can understand a woman’s monthly drama in terms of a four-act drama or the seasons of the year. During the “spring” week, the “world looks bright, and the mood is upbeat. Neurotransmitters in the brain, including serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, are more active, facilitating thought, memory, and intellectual capability.”7

  Pintus describes what a woman (young or more mature) may feel during this week: optimistic, confident, productive, social. She may think, “I can conquer the world!” “I’ll take care of that,” or “Let’s have a party.” Here’s why: during this season of the month, the ovaries release estrogen, the sex hormone responsible for most feminine sexual traits. Estrogen also plays a role in keeping “our minds sharp, our energy high, and our emotions cheerful. Estrogen causes cells to grow and multiply. . . . When you see the word estrogen, think ‘energy.’”8

  Your daughter can learn to harness the extra energy and creativity that estrogen brings during this portion of her cycle. This is also a time to watch carefully, however, as the extra estrogen and the energy that comes with it can make it easy for young women unaccustomed to reining themselves in to overdo.

  During the following week, the “summer” of the menstrual cycle, estrogen levels reach their peak and then level off. Though the dynamics of her cycle differ as a woman ages, for pubescent or adolescent girls, energy during this week is also elevated, though typically not quite as high. In all likelihood, her mood is more stable—it’s more difficult during this time to upset or worry her. Alas, it can’t always be spring or summer. Estrogen is about to take a fall.

  As ovulation in a young woman occurs, fluctuating levels of progesterone and testosterone play a significant role. Pintus notes that mood shifts come on the scene here: a girl may be “confident then conflicted, calm then anxious—as hormones rise and fall.” She may think, “‘I’m confused.’ ‘I can do this; no I can’t,’ ‘Why am I doing this?’ ‘Why am I doing anything?’”9 This is the time for a girl to listen to her body (difficult even for adult women to learn, so it’s great to start this training early) and anticipate changes.

  During the “fall” week, estrogen continues to plummet, as do progesterone and endorphins. As a result, a girl’s mood may darken; she may draw “within herself.” These hormonal changes act like toxins in the brain and can create feelings of low self-esteem, hypersensitivity, sadness, and anger, symptoms we typically associate with PMS (premenstrual syndrome).

  Finally, during the “winter” week, her period begins. She may feel exhausted, sensitive, and highly emotional. It’s time to rest and to expend less energy,
allowing the body to do what God so masterfully designed it to do.

  Helping our daughters understand this drama equips them for a fuller life of wise and winsome femininity, as does a basic grasp of PMS. Humorous definitions of PMS proliferate—including Pardon My Screaming, Puffy Mid Section, Psychotic Mood Swings, or Pass My Shotgun—but according to the Mayo Clinic Internal Medicine Concise Textbook, “pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) is the cyclic occurrence of symptoms that are sufficiently severe to interfere with some aspects of life, and that appear with consistent and predictable relationship to the menses [monthly period].”10 Physical cramps; head, stomach, and/or backaches; bloating; weight fluctuations; lethargy; food cravings; acne; and breast tenderness plague many. Emotional symptoms like quick-temperedness, nervousness, crying spells, mental cloudiness, and general moodiness also occur. Spiritual symptoms, including shame, guilt, and feelings of low-self worth, also plague many young women. It ain’t easy being a girl!

  Being aware of her own cycle and the “seasons” of her month is important for a girl and her parents. It’s also essential to evaluate the level of stress, exposure to substances that impact hormonal levels, and relationship dynamics that will influence your daughter. Let’s wade into that complexity now.

  Psych 101

  We’ve already alluded to the significant role of family stability in a young woman’s puberty journey. The onset of menstruation is not the only thing influenced by a strong, supportive family, however. Parental steadiness (or lack thereof) impacts a girl’s entire emotional and hormonal landscape. If Mom and Dad are able to take adolescent ups and downs in stride, a teenage girl will fare far better than her peers in anxiety-heavy or explosive homes. For this reason, parents should embrace—note, we didn’t say enjoy—that emotions will fluctuate during this time, often dramatically so, and determine ahead of time to keep their cool.

  Parents also benefit from refusing to take everything personally. If your daughter expresses doubts about her worth and identity, don’t automatically see this as a referendum on your parenting. If any of her criticisms or concerns are valid, address them. But remember, as Dr. Dobson shrewdly observes, “Through adolescence, there will be recurring times of moodiness, anxiety, anger, self-pity, and depression. There will also be periods of giddiness, elation, and happiness. Emotions are on a roller coaster from . . . one day—or one hour—to the next.”11 If you take every one of your daughter’s tirades or tears personally, the drama will drag all of you under.

  Physician and author of The Female Brain Dr. Louann Brizendine offers further insight. In an adolescent girl’s “new estrogen-driven reality, aggression also plays a big role. The teen girl brain will make her feel powerful, always right, and blind to consequences. Without that drive, she’ll never be able to grow up, but getting through it, especially for the teen girl, isn’t easy. As she begins to experience her full ‘girl power,’ which includes premenstrual syndrome, sexual competition, and controlling girl groups, her brain states can often make her reality, well, a little hellish.”12

  Mom, Dad, don’t try to convince your wailing daughter this is “no big deal.” Everything feels like a big deal. Patiently listen if your daughter wants to talk, give her the space to feel (though you certainly can ask her to express her moodiness in her bedroom), and know that this too shall pass.

  In addition, keep in mind that puberty often causes girls to pull away from the people they love. It’s a very confusing time. Simultaneously, strong physical forces—most significantly rising estrogen levels—increase a young woman’s longing for connectedness.13 Don’t leave your daughter to receive attention and affection only from peers (even if she tells you that’s what she wants). A deficit of connectedness can create vulnerability in girls whose parents withdraw during this tumultuous time.

  Particularly tense moments arise when a mom and daughter(s) experience hormonal fluctuations at the same time. Whether a mom is fighting PMS, perimenopause, or menopause, her daughter’s puberty journey may clash with her own hormonal cycle, creating an emotional bomb waiting to detonate. Fathers, you can help mitigate the potential stresses and “run interference” between the generations. Moms, you can learn to control your own emotions by understanding your body better and making wise choices. But if either parent goes berserk, you can plan on your adolescent doing the same.

  It may help you to understand and plan that “once stressed, teens require a more lengthy recovery time than adults. Teenage girls are particularly at risk. Progesterone, which is released in larger amounts with puberty, lets cortisol run rampant. Once a teenage girl becomes stressed, it is very difficult to get her physically and mentally under control.”14 Remember, too much cortisol is toxic for the brain. We can help our teen girls by compassionately giving them time and space to simmer down (again, you may kindly suggest she do this in her own room).

  Parents can also encourage healthy choices, which lead to healthy emotions:

  It’s tempting for women of all ages to “treat” their hormonal surges with food (aka “Ben & Jerry’s therapy”). We can help our daughters resist this. Weight gain and the unhealthy distribution of fat in a woman’s body significantly influence the hormonal levels in her body. Imbalanced hormones lead to imbalanced emotional and spiritual reactions.

  Moms, model for your daughter wise ways to approach your monthly cycle. Expel tension in vigorous exercise. Eat smaller, protein-rich meals to keep your blood sugars level. Avoid rather than indulge in excess sugar. If you want some chocolate, choose dark chocolate over heavily processed varieties. Drinking water and eating fiber flushes toxins from your system that contribute to uncomfortable symptoms connected to your period.

  Stress plays a huge role in the monthly drama as well. As far as is possible, delay your own important appointments and decisions during more emotional seasons of the month; help your daughter do the same. Of course you can’t organize your life around your period or your daughter’s. You can operate, however, with a clear awareness of how stress impacts everyone.

  With stress, cortisol floods the brain and reduces the natural stores of progesterone, which helps maintain a woman’s peace and well-being. As adrenaline levels increase, restoring balance becomes harder. Teaching your daughter to lessen the impact of unavoidable stress and eliminate unnecessary stress is a priceless gift.

  Another healthy choice you can make is to limit your daughter’s (and your) exposure to endocrine disruptors, chemicals that cause the body’s natural hormones to fluctuate unhealthily. Endocrine disruptors can be found in many processed plastics, pesticides, cosmetics, personal hygiene products, meat, and dairy items.15 You can use the TEDX16 list to determine if products you use contain these harmful chemicals.

  Finally, as your daughter matures physically, watch out for any disturbances in her overall mental health. Between 3 and 8 percent of women suffer from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), a severe, sometimes debilitating condition related to PMS. Medical treatment is advisable.

  Symptoms of a broader struggle with mental health, present apart from a girl’s menstrual cycle, also should be monitored carefully. The National Institutes of Health cites a connection between the progression of puberty and increase in depression. Progesterone puts girls at a higher risk for mood disorders, so know the signs and seek help sooner rather than later.17 For more information on depression, refer to chapter 25.

  Faith 101

  If you and your daughter deliberately choose to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually prepared for puberty and for the ongoing drama of the female cycle, you will reap many benefits. Preparation leads to greater peace. Our friend Lorraine encourages women to apply Proverbs 22:3 to their monthly cycle. The NLT version reads, “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.”

  So, moms, ask yourself: What challenges do I often face with my cycle? What does my daughter seem to battle most often? Jerusha suffers from terrible headaches at ov
ulation and a couple days before her period. She also knows that beyond the normal “irritability and emotional ups and downs” that lots of women face, she struggles to let things go when she’s feeling “hormonal.” Knowing this actually empowers her to make a choice that may “feel” wrong but is actually very right (like walking away from a conversation that could easily turn into a fight).

  If you live in a hurricane state and there’s a tropical storm warning, you take precautions. You can learn to do likewise when it comes to your monthly cycle. Some women find increasing their exercise during the week before their period helps reduce tension. Limiting (or cutting out) caffeine can do the same. Planning not to have tough conversations about money, grades, friends, and so on is also a very good idea, as is encouraging extra sleep and quiet “alone time.”

  In addition, parents can help their adolescent daughters stay strong spiritually by debunking myths about being a woman, particularly that menstruation is a curse. God created your daughter and gave her the potential to carry life within her. She probably won’t be able to fully embrace the joy of that now, but you can slowly build her confidence in that truth by talking about femininity positively.

  Another important spiritual myth to dispel is “PMS made me do it.” As women, we need to take responsibility for our choices, even during the seasons of our monthly cycle. Teach your daughter the power of confession, repentance, and forgiveness by modeling these things for her, not only during her period but certainly with an added measure of grace in that time.

  Try It Today

  Help your teenage girl to track her period (a simple way is to put a dot or icon on the calendar on the date her period begins each month) and recognize the patterns of any PMS symptoms. Try specifically targeted tactics to relieve symptoms (aromatherapy for headaches, for instance, or vigorous exercise to combat irritability). Encourage her not to fight against the body God gave her or push herself beyond her God-given limits but rather to embrace the beauty of her feminine brain and form. Your daughter is God’s priceless masterpiece; remind her of that as often as possible!