The Celestial Sea

by Marina de Nadous

  Adrian: Longing for you-—really choosing to see you. Could be a special Movement Performance today at school; 11.30. Come along then. See me at school.

  P.s Got the day wrong. No performance. Tomorrow instead. See you at 11.45, My Love. X

  I have a quiet morning. It is rainy and still. I complete errands, deliver an invoice to a client and collect a very expensive seat-belt replacement. {Dreadful puppy.} I drive to Monument Park and visit our Dragonfly Cove, gathering a few mementos when I reach the trees. A Pohutukawa leaf, an exotic seed pod, a piece of driftwood and some sand from the very spot where our Dragonfly landed. I stop for a quiet prayer. As I look out over the bay I catch a glimpse of a younger Laird in my mind’s eye. We were students when we met; the first proper love for us both. I see him before the cares of work and family, {both chosen and unavoidable}, took over our lives; before the short temper and sharp, cutting remarks of annoyance started. I know they are learnt patterns from his father——inbuilt impatience at feminine ways a natural reaction to a difficult and imbalanced mother.

  Yes, I see him clearly; fresh-faced and full of energy; his strong, handsome profile braving the wind. He is a forceful man now, maintaining the same levels of energy that still overtake others’ stamina. His strength can become overbearing, bullying even, and I realize he no longer allows me to challenge him. He doesn’t let me get close, especially if I question his prioritising of personal pleasure. Please God I will not damage him beyond repair as I embrace my longed-for Soul Mate. How extraordinary that I have found my Swallow Man here, on the other side of the world. I think I have been brought to him.

  Adrian and I spend a short time chatting with Frances in the kitchen at lunchtime today. She offers us salad and we share a light meal. I have brought chocolate, never the best idea for the delicate constitution of my Friend, it can send him into an over-excited spin, bringing all sorts of baggage to the surface. “I need to process some of this stuff!” He exclaims suddenly, heading for the stillness of his bed. He seems to like me by his side, to talk over issues that continually surface. He has been working through so much recently. I spy glimpses of a beautiful King; a humble King appearing through the complicated layers of insidious mind-talk. He cannot hide his crown from me. The course he attends gives him valuable tools to strip away the self-lies. The more time we spend together, the more involved I find Adrian’s inner life. He struggles daily with a complex battle. He is a warrior; a relentless warrior doing battle with himself. I sense a set of scales that are evenly balanced; The King on one side, something irksome on the other——Adrian’s maverick nature he calls his ‘Wild Man in the Pond’. The King is fighting to tip the scales in his favour while ‘The Wild Man in the Pond’ continues to taunt him. I must ask Adrian what he meant by: “Really choosing to see you;” a line in his last message. Does something other drive his actions? Has it not been his choice up to now?

  When The King has tipped the scales he is able to hold me. “You are my Queenly Wife and we have our Small One,” he smiles triumphantly. “Your Dragonfly Queen and Child; how perfect,” I reply. “Are we ready to set sail again? I have something else to read you; my piece about Sunday’s image that came to me in church. Are you ready?”

  “Oh, yes, always ready to set sail with you, My Love—go ahead.” And so I read him my piece of prose:

  STILLNESS AND A CROSS

  A busy family Service; I stand before the Altar,

  Open and humble, my extraordinary Life laid bare.

  I feel no shame, only continuing wonder and joy.

  Stillness creeps over me; I find myself in my mind’s eye

  Lying prostrate on a sandy shore,

  Arms outstretched, I embrace the world.

  My thoughts turn to him,

  Where is he? My Love; my partner of true perfection?

  Is he prostrate, next to me? Or is he opposite me?

  No, he is lying under me,

  Our heads resting on each other’s shoulders,

  Our fingers and toes caressing.

  As I try to make sense of this image,

  The Priest utters these words:

  “And he stretched out his arms upon the cross:”——

  “What do you think it can mean?” I ask. “It’s rather strange; a little bizarre in fact.” “I don’t know,” Adrian replies. “Were we making Love?” “No, not at all. We were fully-clothed. There was a beautiful calm; almost surrender, an acceptance.

  Something interesting to note,” I add; “If you put easy-going, sanguine souls together you get a stilling; a quiet. I read that somewhere recently. Apparently teachers use the principal at school when they seat their pupils. Am I right? I think that definitely applies to us. Time for life on shore, My Friend. The school run beckons. I will be in touch later on. I love you.”

  * * * * * * *

  P.m Mouse: Tired, with difficult children all around. Longing for you. Your Dragonfly Wifey——X

  Tuesday 17th October 2006

  Adrian and I don’t send any messages this morning. The Laird and I leave the house early with the whole family on board; the van needs delivering to the garage for the new seat belt to be installed. We have to part with the vehicle for the day and juggle the Ute for all school runs. Drat and blast the naughty Bog-Brush; the seat belt is costing us over one thousand dollars!

  Marie and Louis have invited us camping this weekend and The Laird is excited. But I have already accepted an invitation to Big J’s special birthday party. I was so looking forward to going, especially as I am a regular visitor at the house. The Laird is obviously troubled and upset that I want to attend the party instead of going away. For the sake of his happiness I will have to cancel. I send my husband this text:

  “Party invite cancelled——of course I would rather spend the weekend with you. I will speak to Marie about the camping details. Friday and Saturday nights. Might have to bring The Bog-Brush. Sorry to upset you——I had accepted the other invitation first, that’s all. Love you——X”

  Reply from the Laird: “I love you too, my wicked wifey!”

  My husband often tells me to have my own life and put myself first, but he rarely accepts my independent stand. I prefer to keep the peace. Perhaps this is a mistake. Have I become too subservient over the years? I find a disguised message from Adrian on the answer-phone when I get home, requesting various items from the workbench for the afternoon’s lesson.

  Mid-Morning, Mouse: Good morning, oh Beautiful Lover of mine. Sorry to miss your call. I shall bring requested items if I can lay my hands on them. Hope all is well? See you at 11.30 for the performance. Big Love——X

  A group from Switzerland entertains The School with a Movement performance this morning. They are highly skilled in their creative art. One Lady in sea green robes reminds me of the dragonfly with her floaty, hovering dance. The Laird manages to join us for the first half. I sit behind my Swallow Man, but don’t catch his eye. He asks for a lift back to his house after the show, where we manage to steal some quiet time together. Succumbing to total union with the most sensual touch, we raise the anchor and let The Boat drift out to sea. As our passion calms my Lover feels he has been tempted; that he has been deceitful, taking me without a long time to clear our integrity. But he needn’t feel that way; it is always so beautiful to move together. Our union can never be anything other than pure grace and genuine Love. I help him load the trailer with the garden clippings from Big J’s birthday preparations before I leave. Mitch, one of the members of the performance cast, is staying at the house and helps us heave a heavy tarpaulin of weeds into the back of the car. Adrian drives off with a toot of his horn to unload at the local dump, commonly known as the ‘Transfer Station’.

  P.m. Mouse: Dearest Lover, all-embracing Companion and Partner in the greatest Dance known to Man and Angels——just to let you know——Laird is collecting Rinky who is playing at your house with Lottie this afternoon. At approx 6.30p.m. Don’t want you having a big life-shock when he walks
up the drive! Also, could you please give our apologies to Big J. and family ref. the party? I have told him that we have already declined. Please text me to say you have received this. Feel you filling every part of me. Love you so much——X

  Adrian: Thanks for the warning. Yes, so close to each other. Dumping green waste not so easy——phew! Big palaver. Had over a tonne! Just met Cordelia at Mitre 10 hardware shop. Loving you.

  Late P.m. Mouse: The coast is clear, My Darling. The Laird is home with Rinky. Tuck the Small One up in bed with you tonight. I shall join you both when our love stops time——M——X

  Adrian: And so the day closes. Bedding once again enfolds a body. Memories of special, shared moments rise——lots of them. Memories of fullness; of dew-drenched gardens and sweet flavours; of warmth and softness, safety and trust. Thank-you. My love to you and your lovely family. May they flourish——you too. Lots of love. Weary man—A.

  Mouse: xxxxXx——Memories indeed, My Lord Swallow. Let’s open The Garden Gate again soon. Loving you. Weary too——X

  Wednesday 18th October 2006

  A.m. Mouse: She wakes early, imagining him under her. The rhythmic movement she feels compelled to make in his arms is with her still. She knows he caresses her secret places. She welcomes his lips, his breath, his fingers——moving with her in beautiful artistry, albeit it in her mind. She gasps with honest desire——opening completely to his tenderness; his love——X

  We hold a Spring Festival at our Mountain Workshop today. Adrian is not with us; he is tired and needs some time out. Cordelia and I manage without his magic sparkle but the ten-year-old boys are less engaged. They adore Adrian’s inspirational mentoring. I miss their enthusiasm as they race down the drive to meet his car at twelve o’clock. However, we manage to celebrate the arrival of spring in grand style with flowers, dancing and another delicious lunch. It is always difficult to know who enjoys our Wednesdays more; the children or the mothers? I love the wooden cabin to be filled with inspired people, but it takes hours of preparation. My family are complaining again for lots of reasons. “You are always so tired”——“you are never in my bed in the morning”——“The Workshops don’t bring in anything to make them worthwhile”——“there is always such a mess to clear up afterwards”————

  Early p.m. Mouse: Hi Friend. How are you? We have just finished lunch. I am wandering down to the Twealm Realm. The Festival was great. Poles and crowns made a lavish display. Missing you. Will be down for school run and then again later to collect The Minx. Hope you are okay? Loving you——M——X

  Adrian: Hi Sweetie. Sorry to leave you hanging. Shall I pick up the children and bring them up?

  Mouse: Would you like to come up? Laird is away until 7.0p.m. Various children need collecting. It’s a bit complicated——let’s speak——X

  I phone Adrian just as our Workshop is ending. We agree that I will drive down later on, rather than have him drive all the way up our steep Mountain with only half the gang who need ferrying. As the children get older the logistics become more complicated.

  Early P.m. Adrian: Can you bring a set of earmuffs, My Sweet? And sockets? And green case for drill things——little green suitcase thing. Mmm-—big kiss. How about dinner, My Darling?

  Adrian takes ownership of me in a different way this evening. His seniority leads me to worlds I never knew existed. This is a new intention; a subtlety eluding definition. I lie beneath him as he lays claim to me in slow, deliberate calm. We have reached a profound level in our union as Man and Woman. I am so in love with this Kingly Nobleman; each time we are together the feelings intensify. Can we really sustain this gift——this heavenly prize? My Lover’s face shines with elation and I know he has found a new centring to his passion; a beautiful maturity where The King’s throne is certain. We reaffirm our growing commitment to each other, as well as our integrity towards the family, and we further my lesson in accessing core feelings and emotions. My imaginative flight is immediately subdued by his stature and command.

  Phew! How to carry on after that? Back up the hill to boil the potatoes; the thoughts in my mind far from how mashable they might, or might not be. I cannot believe the totality of our embrace. We have become very serious lovers today.

  P.m. Mouse: Loving you more each day——oh guide and seeker of my hidden self. I sense you holding me with such care. Thank-you. We shall be snug in each other’s arms tonight. Tell Little Arthur a story from your childhood before you sleep. I love you—M—X

  Adrian: Thank-you for such a warm memory. Nice evening tonight too. I spent some time with Jacintha and Cory. Had a big meaty meal. Yum. Indulged in chips on the way home. Yuk. Stuffing something down. Hope you are well, Sweet One. Blessings. Lots of love for you and the family X——

  The spring weather brings a milder night. The family is peaceful——and warm! Thank goodness winter is past. Where is the cat? He keeps disappearing for several days at a time. We have been told there are wild cats in these rural areas. Does he join them? The Bog-Brush is lonely downstairs. My eyes close and I am with Adrian; safe and complete.

  Late P.m. Adrian: In bed——where my Lover has lain, full and deep——wild and giggly——gasping and sighing. I am with her now; both learning——both growing——into? Strength——humility——connection. A gift. The greatest gift I have ever received for sure. So, as I drift off, My Sweet, I feel your head on my shoulder, my hand on your waist——our fingers interlocked. Goodnight X

  The cat-flap bangs in the middle of the night. Good; Monty is home.

  Thursday 19th October 2006

  A.m. Adrian: My Darling, are you there? Waiting for your words to soothe my ear. My belly longs for you soft and close. My voice aches to sing of Little Mattie Groves. Good morning, My Lover. My busy day today——Class 5 and then the staff meeting, followed by my course. Little window ‘tween 1.45 and 3.00p.m--possible? X

  Mouse: Even their fingers and toes know The Dance. My Darling, your beautiful body takes my breath away; your wise, mature Spirit enfolds mine. My Soul bows to your knowledge. I am your Lady——in every way. I am deeply in love with you.

  And I am. What are we going to do? This Angel Treasure is a rare gift; to echo Adrian’s words; “the greatest gift I have ever received.” Will we have to renounce it one day? I seem to be floating on a cloud of perfection where tomorrow’s uncertainty takes a back seat. I know I should be concerned.

  Mouse: Holding them close she includes them in her immediate family, their presence no surprise. She has been seeking them for a long time. They have always been in her heart longing——a veiled treasure. Why should they be revealed now? Some questions are not meant to be answered. We trust in glorious faith; Love enclosing us——our World Mission unfolding. Deep Love wings its way to you both, My Darling and Little One. I hope you slept well. 1.45 It is——X

  Big J’s house is bursting with party preparation today. Frances is in charge of the kitchen, making a large quantity of hummus, which we duly taste. “More salt and lemon juice,” we agree. Then the garden mulching people arrive; they happen to be neighbours, which is handy. Not the angry neighbours, I hasten to add. “We haven’t time to hoist the sails today, Lord Swallow,” his Lady exclaims sadly from below decks. “Another day perhaps?”

  Early P.m. Mouse: My Darling——am feeling a strong need to complete our lovely catch-up——too short a time today. I so wanted to reach that deep pool of emotion you expose in me. Needed to lie naked and vulnerable in your ownership; in your protection. Wanted to tell you how strongly I admire you; desire your dominance and powerful rhythm inside mine. I yearn for more time with my Lover’s Spirit——The Gate was just opening. Writing to you now means we have had more time there—X

  Adrian: My dear Friend. Thank-you for your lovely message——mmm——yum. Well, nice to hear what your needs are——its good. Keen any time. Could see you tomorrow. Meeting til 10.00 A.m.

  Shepherd’s pie and salad is on the menu this evening. It’s time to ring the
bell. Along with a ‘sort-of-antique’ mirror I found a wrought-iron bell at the same shop and brought the two purchases home a few months ago. The English would call the antiques, ‘junk’. The Bell hangs outside the main cabin. The added feature of a cat is slightly twee but never mind; at least the sound carries, even to the Twealm Realm when we need to summon the gang. The ‘sort-of-antique shop’ had a closing down sale and everything was half price. The Geordi proprietor with the missing teeth was eager to please. The large mirror has a curved top and decorative notches along the inside rim. I have placed it above the sofa, which sits opposite the French windows. I love the reflection of the magnificent views. The glass looks good with the wooden interior and adds a classical air to the room.

  I have chosen natural items and aged furniture for the cabin, always my favourite style. Basket ware, wooden bowls and unusual lamps sit companionably alongside worn silk and old velvet cushions from my Opp. Shop raids. All the furniture is wooden and my seasonal display adds a touch of magic to the top of an old chest. One wall is painted a wine-red colour and I recently found a floor rug in the same shade. The soft green, gold and ochre tones of the room are welcoming in this wild environment. Needless to say, a couple of checked blankets in appropriate colours add a dash of coordination. I would love to do more but our budget is fast becoming a negative budget so that is not to be. Life in New Zealand is wonderful, but keeping out of ‘the red’ is almost impossible. Compared to Europe the salaries are low.

  “Can someone please ring the bell again?” I expect the boys are engrossed in the usual rugby viewing. Eventually the family and two students gather in the kitchen. The cat and dog wait more reverently than everyone put together. I light the candle and call for silence. The prayer for this evening is taken from my favourite book of weekly verse: