Freedom to Love

by Carole Mortimer

  Chrissie stood back, smiling. ‘She has you all worked out, Adam.’

  ‘She knows me too well, that’s the trouble.’ He picked up the tray and placed it across Katy’s knees. ‘Drink your soup,’ he ordered.

  She gave him a resentful glare. ‘I’m not a child!’

  ‘Oh, I know that,’ he drawled. ‘I certainly haven’t been caring for a child the last three days.’

  Katy blushed. ‘That isn’t very fair!’

  ‘Just drink your soup. I’ll be outside with Chrissie.’

  Her eyes were huge and haunted, deeply grey in her pale face. ‘You won’t leave me?’

  ‘Of course I won’t,’ his eyes softened. ‘I’ll just be outside. I have to eat too, you know.’

  ‘Oh—oh yes, of course. I—I’ll see you in a minute, then.’ She pretended an interest in her soup.

  By the time he came back she had managed to reach her handbag, brushing her hair and adding a light lipstick. She had been amazed by how thin and pale she looked, and just in those few short days. She had little in the way of looks to recommend her now, if indeed she ever had.

  ‘Had enough?’ Adam looked at the half-finished soup.

  ‘Plenty, thank you. What did you have?’

  ‘Steak,’ he told her with relish.

  ‘Pig!’ she groaned.

  ‘With your delicate health you couldn’t possibly eat something like that,’ he mocked.

  ‘Adam, did you really stay with me all the time?’ she asked shyly.

  ‘You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.’

  ‘Did you?’ she persisted.

  He shrugged. ‘You’re my responsibility, it wouldn’t have been fair to ask Chrissie to do it. Not that she didn’t offer, but I thought it was up to me. Now go back to sleep, you still look pale.’

  ‘I feel a lot better,’ she assured him.

  ‘Good, maybe tonight I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep. You’ve been very restless the last four nights.’

  ‘You didn’t have to stay up with me all night.’ She sounded haughty. ‘I’m sure it wasn’t necessary.’

  ‘I didn’t stay up, Katy,’ Adam said gently.

  ‘You didn’t?’ she squeaked.

  ‘No,’ he shook his head.

  ‘You slept in this bed with me?’ she gasped.

  ‘Chrissie only has the two bedrooms,’ Adam told her calmly.

  Warm colour heightened her cheeks. ‘So they know you’ve been sleeping with me,’ she said dully.

  ‘They assumed I was anyway. We argue like lovers, Katy, haven’t you realised that?’

  ‘We argue because we don’t like each other,’ she told him heatedly.

  ‘Now you know that isn’t true,’ he touched her hair. ‘You said some very revealing things in your delirium.’

  Her eyes widened with trepidation. ‘I did?’

  ‘Enough to tell me you didn’t mind me in bed with you. I’m too much of a gentleman to tell you what you said, but—-’

  ‘You aren’t a gentleman at all,’ Katy snapped, ‘Or you wouldn’t even have mentioned it.’

  ‘Maybe not. It’s eleven o’clock, it’s time you went to sleep, young lady.’ He began taking off his shirt.

  ‘Adam—’ she bit her lip, accepting that he intended sleeping here. ‘Adam, why don’t you ask me about it?’ She had been expecting his questions ever since he had told her he had been bathing her, and yet he had said nothing.

  He raised his eyebrows, his torso golden in the lamplight. ‘About what?’

  She sighed. ‘I know you must have seen them. If you’ve been caring for me then you must have seen the scars on my back.’

  ‘Yes,’ he acknowledged. ‘But I figured that if you’d wanted me to know about it you would have told me. We have few secrets from each other.’

  That was true; she had talked intimately with this man, revealed so much to him. And he had been equally frank with her. ‘It happened in the accident,’ she told him. ‘The one where the little girl died.’

  Adam frowned as he got into bed beside her. ‘But I thought you had a broken leg, cuts and bruises? Those scars were caused by—’

  ‘Fire,’ she nodded, snuggling against his chest as he put his arm about her. ‘After hitting me the lorry crashed into a tree, the petrol tank exploded, and my clothing caught fire. So you see,’ she said in a choked voice, ‘even the body isn’t perfect.’

  ‘It is to me,’ he growled. ‘More than perfect. I know every single inch of you, including the scars, and I still desire you. Katy…’ he turned towards her. ‘Katy, I want you,’ he groaned.

  His lovemaking was like a torrent, sweeping all before it, crushing Katy against him until she had to cry out. At once his ardour gentled, becoming a slow sensuous tide, rising like the sweet crescendo of a wave, taking them farther and farther away from sanity.

  ‘Oh God!’ he finally groaned, throwing himself away from her. ‘What sort of animal am I?’ He looked at her with tortured eyes. ‘I disgust myself. You’ve been ill, seriously ill,’ he got out of bed to pull on his denims and a sweater, ‘and as soon as you start to feel slightly better I try to make love to you!’

  Katy watched as he walked towards the door, her senses still swimming. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked dazedly.

  ‘For a walk. And I won’t be sharing your bed. If you’re feeling better tomorrow we may leave for Calgary.’

  ‘Adam…’ But he had already gone.

  And he didn’t put in an appearance the next morning either. Chrissie brought in the doctor, and he proclaimed her well enough to travel the next day, as long as she didn’t overdo it.

  ‘Where’s Adam?’ she asked Chrissie as they sat in the lounge drinking coffee. She still felt slightly weak, but other than that felt quite well; her appetite was returning.

  ‘He went back up to Maligne Lake, he and Jud. Adam said he didn’t get the pictures of the lake he wanted.’

  ‘No,’ Katy said ruefully. ‘I fell in before he had the chance.’

  ‘So he said,’ the other girl nodded.

  Katy gave a derisive smile. ‘I suppose you think I’m an idiot, too?’

  ‘Too?’

  ‘Adam’s always calling me one.’

  ‘He doesn’t mean it. You worry him, and Adam doesn’t like that,’ Chrissie told her.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because it means he cares. You should know by now that Adam doesn’t accept emotions as other men do. He’s shut people out for so long now that he resents any dent in his armour.’

  ‘And I’m a dent?’ Katy asked humorously:

  Chrissie grimaced. ‘I’m afraid so. He’s been in the foulest mood since yesterday.’

  ‘More foul than usual, you mean?’

  ‘His mood is usually pretty even. He doesn’t usually allow anyone close enough to him to upset him. His cynicism overlies everything he does.’

  ‘You seem to know him well,’ Katy commented in surprise.

  ‘I knew him in London years ago. That was how I met Jud.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I don’t think you do,’ Chrissie denied gently. ‘Adam was dating my sister, not me. She’s married now, with a couple of kids, but she still has fond memories of Adam.’

  ‘He has that effect,’ Katy agreed huskily.

  ‘Does he know you love him?’

  ‘No! No, he doesn’t,’ she said more calmly. ‘If he did he would get rid of me as soon as he could. Adam has affairs, he doesn’t fall in love, mainly because he doesn’t even believe it exists. Not that I blame him, he’s had some bad experiences with women in the past.’

  ‘He’s told you about them?’

  ‘Yes,’ Katy nodded.

  ‘Then you aren’t a dent at all, you’re a crater. Adam never discusses his private life, not even with Jud, and they have been friends for years.’

  ‘I think it was just a case of having little else to do while we’ve been travelling together.’

  ‘Really?’ Chr
issie laughed. ‘A handsome specimen of manhood like Adam and all you could think of to do was talk?’

  ‘I didn’t mean it that way,’ Katy blushed.

  ‘I know. Would you like more coffee?’

  ‘No, thanks.’ Katy felt grateful for the other girl’s sensitivity. ‘Do you have any idea when they’ll be back from Maligne Lake?’

  Chrissie shrugged. ‘They didn’t say. Adam decided not to go to Calgary today, but I should think they’ll get back before dark.’

  The two men arrived back shortly before dinner, Adam making a polite enquiry about Katy’s health, expressing satisfaction when told she was well enough to travel. Katy felt deeply hurt by his attitude, knowing he would be glad to leave her at her hotel on Saturday.

  ‘I should get an early night,’ he told her after they had eaten, his tone cool. ‘We’ll be leaving early tomorrow, straight after breakfast in fact.’

  She stood up obediently. ‘Will you be long?’ she asked shyly.

  ‘Will I—?’ he scowled. ‘I told you last night, Katy,’ he snapped coldly, ‘I’m not going to sleep with you again. Goodnight.’

  ‘You—you bastard!’ she choked, running into the bedroom and slamming the door.

  Chrissie and Jud had looked so taken aback when Adam had spoken to her in that way, and no wonder; he had been deliberately cruel and hurtful. Katy couldn’t face them again, couldn’t bear to see the pity in their eyes.

  Her choked sobbing drowned out the sound of the door opening and the footsteps of the man now standing beside the bed. But something warned her of his presence there, and she looked up with a tear-stained face.

  ‘Jud and Chrissie tell me I was a little hard on you,’ he said curtly, his eyes glacial.

  ‘And that’s why you’re in here,’ she cried. ‘You enjoyed talking to me like that in front of them, you enjoyed humiliating me. Get out of here! Go on, get out!’

  Instead Adam grasped her wrists, pulling her up so that her face was within inches of his. ‘Would you rather I stayed here with you?’ he bit out forcefully. ‘Would you rather I shared that bed with you tonight? Made love to you? Used you as you’re begging to be used?’

  ‘No!’ She turned away from the contempt in his face. ‘I just want you to leave me alone.’

  ‘Leave you alone? What the hell do you think I’ve been trying to do?’ he rasped, furiously angry as he threw her roughly down on the bed. He moved to pace the room. ‘Do you think I enjoy sleeping on the sofa in the lounge? That I like sleeping out there when there’s a bed and a willing woman in here? It’s bloody agony!’ he groaned. ‘But a girl like you doesn’t want the sort of relationship I’m capable of.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ she choked.

  ‘I know,’ he said grimly. ‘My sort of relationship is brief, very brief in some cases, and you’re the sort of girl marriages are made of.’

  ‘I could settle for less, if I loved someone.’

  ‘Love!’ he scorned cruelly. ‘The most abused word in the history of mankind! Between a man and a woman it comes down to a much baser emotion. You once told me I lust after you—well, I do, but I’ve lusted after hundreds of other women, in exactly the same way. You talk about love too easily, Katy. You don’t even know me. No, you don’t,’ he snapped as she went to protest. ‘You don’t know me, you just want my body in the same way I want yours, but that isn’t love. Chrissie and Jud have the nearest thing I’ve ever seen to love, the sort of love that allows each partner freedom, the sort of love that keeps them together even though they both know they could be free. Marriage is a love-wrecker, only freedom can give you love, the freedom to choose whether to go or whether to stay.’

  ‘If you want me to live with you—’

  ‘I don’t,’ he told her coldly. ‘You see, I love being free, of everyone and everything. I belong to no one and no one belongs to me.’

  ‘But if someone loves you—’

  ‘No one does,’ he said firmly. ‘You don’t. You’ve experienced sexual excitement in my arms and you prefer to think of it as love. It isn’t. I could make love to you now, and in a couple of hours I may want to take you again, but the time in between I just wouldn’t want to know. Women are bodies to me, faceless, nameless bodies. Do I make myself clear?’

  ‘Very,’ she mumbled.

  ‘Good!’ and he slammed out of the room.

  He might as well have hit her. His words had been calculatedly cruel, her offer of love thrown back in her face. Not that she had actually told him she loved him, but he had guessed that was what she meant. His reaction had been as she had told Chrissie it would be, he intended ejecting her from his life as soon as possible.

  That became even more apparent the next day when he told her he intended driving straight through to Calgary in one day.

  ‘But it will take hours,’ she protested, huddled down in the warmth of the cardigan he had bought her.

  She had known of Chrissie and Jud’s sympathy as they had made their goodbyes, had known of it and hated it. Adam was more remote than ever, his face harsh in the morning sunlight.

  ‘I’m driving straight through,’, he repeated his intent.

  ‘Are you so anxious to get rid of me?’

  ‘Yes!’

  She drew a ragged breath. ‘Then just keep on driving. Why should I care if you exhaust yourself?’

  ‘Why indeed?’ he said grimly.

  It seemed like years ago that she had met Adam on the plane, had looked at the man at her side and decided he was the hardest man she had ever seen, a man of pure granite. How true that had turned out to be!

  ‘Lunch?’ He had stopped at the same restaurant as they had on the way up, the turn-off to Red Deer a few yards down the highway.

  Katy didn’t feel as if she could eat a thing, but the doctor had told her she must eat now the fever had passed, that she had to build her strength up. ‘Lunch,’ she agreed tersely.

  ‘If you give me your address,’ Adam told her over their meal, ‘I’ll have those photographs sent on to you.’

  ‘You needn’t bother,’ she answered curtly, pushing her half-eaten meal away. ‘If I need reminding of this holiday I can always look at my sister’s snapshots.’

  ‘But you would rather not be reminded, hmm?’ Adam said dryly.

  ‘Much rather not,’ Katy agreed.

  ‘Chalk it down to experience. Every girl is entitled to one fling in her lifetime. I’m sure that if you tell Andrew nothing happened between us that he’ll believe you.’

  ‘Andrew?’ she frowned. ‘Why should I tell him anything?’

  ‘I thought he was interested in you?’ Adam taunted.

  ‘Maybe he is,’ she defended, clinging to her pride. ‘But I won’t need to tell him that nothing happened between us, he knows me well enough not to need to ask.’

  ‘He does?’ He shrugged. ‘How easily some men are fooled!’

  ‘But nothing did happen,’ she protested.

  ‘Nothing?’ he asked softly. ‘So you could freely tell Andrew everything that’s taken place while you’ve been with me? Would have no qualms about telling him we shared a bed—’

  ‘Quite innocently,’ she cut in.

  ‘Not always,’ his eyes mocked. ‘In fact, hardly ever. We could have been lovers the whole of the time we’ve been together, and there wouldn’t have been any objections from you.’

  ‘Oh, wouldn’t there? Well, let me tell you—’

  ‘Don’t tell me anything, Katy,’ he put his hand over hers. ‘I think we’ve said all we need to about our feelings for each other.’

  ‘Feelings!’ Katy shook off his hand and stood up. ‘You don’t have any feelings, except basic ones. You’re like a robot. You charm women, you make love to them, then you throw them out of your life. Well, I want more from a man than an accomplished lover. I admit I may briefly have been infatuated with you, but Andrew is worth ten of you!’ And she walked out of the restaurant.

  Adam followed a few minutes later, getting into the
vehicle and driving on in silence. The terrible clunking noise in the engine about five minutes later heralded the start of the trouble, finally getting so bad that Adam had to drive on to the hard shoulder, the noise getting louder all the time.

  ‘That’s all I need,’ he muttered, swinging out of the cab to look in the bonnet.

  ‘What’s the matter with it?’ Katy got out and stood beside him.

  He gave her a silencing glare. ‘How the hell should I know?’ He slammed the bonnet back down. ‘Give me a camera and I can spot what’s wrong with it straight away, with an engine I have no chance.’

  Katy looked at the long stretch of road either way, no sign of habitation anywhere in sight. ‘What do we do now?’

  ‘We don’t do anything,’ he said pointedly. ‘I hitch a lift back to the gas station and hope they get a mechanic out straight away.’

  ‘And if they can’t?’ She didn’t relish the idea of being left here on her own.

  ‘Then I come back here and wait until they can send someone,’ he replied impatiently.

  ‘Couldn’t I come with you?’ she asked hopefully.

  ‘No point,’ he refused callously. ‘Besides, someone ought to stay with the vehicle. I shouldn’t be long.’ He crossed over the highway, flagging down a car as it came towards him.

  Katy watched the ease with which he chatted to the man before they drove off. Adam did not give her a second glance, his harsh profile turned firmly away from her.

  Quite a few other vehicles drove past the camper, one man even stopped to ask if he could be of any assistance. Katy thanked him for his concern but explained that her—her friend had gone for help.

  It was almost an hour later when Adam arrived back, brought by another helpful driver before he drove on.

  ‘Couldn’t anyone come?’ she asked needlessly. It was obvious that no mechanic had come!

  ‘About another hour,’ Adam replied tersely. ‘They’re already out on a job. Let’s hope they’re no longer than that,’ he scowled.

  ‘We won’t be able to get to Calgary today,’ she remarked thoughtfully.

  ‘No,’ he acknowledged grimly. ‘But if they aren’t too long, and the repairs are easy, we may be able to get to Lake Louise and book into a motel there.’