Forever Wild: A Camden Ranch Novel

by Jillian Neal

  “Luke, please, no more taunting. I need to be with you.”

  “I was just thinking the same thing.” He opened the bedside table drawer, presumably to locate a condom. She shouldn’t ask this. She shouldn’t even think it. The internal shift she’d felt at the party took over her brain. The desperate desire took wing from the fissures of her heart and soared out of her mouth.

  “Don’t wear that. Please, I don’t want anything between us.”

  A parade of emotions flickered through his eyes. Desire, concern, love, excitement, lust, possession. They were all there.

  “Indie, honey, are you sure?”

  “Yes.” She knew a spoken assurance was the only fitting response. A simple nod would never convince him that she wanted this.

  He settled his hips between her thighs. His blood-engorged cock rested at the apex. Another rush of wetness coated her lips. He rocked against her, shuddering at the point of contact.

  “Do you want me to pull out?” His question burned with urgency.

  “No. I want everything you are inside of me.” Acutely aware of him, her every sense filled with Luke, she watched his pulse hammer in the hollow of his throat and felt his seed leak on her abdomen.

  “Look at me,” he commanded. Her eyes were already focused on his. She kept them locked there. “Are you certain you’re ready for whatever might come of this?”

  “Yes.” She’d never been more certain of anything as insane as she knew that might be.

  She was going to stay. Luke’s soul rang with the certainty. If she didn’t want him to use a condom, she’d decided to stay, to be his forever. Had he not been so racked with need he might have cried in relief. As it was, the woman he’d been in love with for half his life was asking to be fucked with nothing between them. He’d save the emotions for later.

  Bracing himself on the mattress, he slowly eased his head between her lips, reveling in the silky cream that guided him in. “God, I’ve wanted to watch my cock sink into your pussy my whole damn life. Watch me, baby. Watch me own you. I’m gonna make it hurt so good for you.” And he would. He knew precisely what she longed for, and he would never fail her.

  “Yes,” she gasped as he thrust fully. Luke lost himself in the incredible feeling of having her skin on skin, of being inhaled by her body so deeply he had no hopes of ever recovering from this, from her.

  He made three frantic thrusts. In and out, connecting in a rush of heavenly oblivion. But then he slowed, calling himself an idiot. This wasn’t right. The commitment she’d offered him, what she was allowing him. What the hell was he doing with her cuffed to his bed, fucking her like a kinky one-night stand? No. This was so much more than they’d ever shared before.

  “Shh, baby, just relax for a minute.” He managed to work the safety catch loose on each of the cheap fuzzy handcuffs, freeing her. He took her wrists in his hands and soothed them with the soft heat of his mouth. Kissing his way along the line of her pulse, he settled them by her sides and made another slow, languorous thrust, memorizing every silk-imbued ripple of her pussy against the fevered steel of his cock.

  A moment later, her hands wound around his back holding him closer, not letting him go. “I’m right here, Indie. Forever. Just let me get you there. I’ve got you.” He sank his lips to hers, rocking his hips against hers, filling her and easing away in slow, steady perfection.

  “Look at me.” In and out to the rhythm of her soul. Warm tears trickled from the sides of her eyes. His heart shattered and mended simultaneously. His love finally eased the pain she kept hidden in the beautiful depths of her eyes.

  “I love you,” she shuddered through an orgasm that held far more love than lust this time. And it wasn’t the rhythmic pulls and ripples of her pussy that nursed him dry. It was the all-encompassing emotion of what they’d just shared that shattered him thoroughly. His body jerked and shook. His jaw clenched on a low groan of ecstasy as he spilled everything he was, everything he’d ever hoped to be, deep inside of her.

  An uninhibited moan of satisfaction thundered from his lungs when he eased away from her and watched his seed trickle out of her swollen pussy. Wrapping her up in his arms, he held her, praying she’d never even want to leave his bed.

  He felt her sweet grin form against his chest and he cradled her tighter to him. “I love you too, baby. You know that. We’re gonna figure everything out, okay? I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll do anything, Indie. Just trust me.”

  “I do.”

  Brushing kisses in her mussed hair and wiping away the salty tears that had to come from both confusion and connection, he inhaled her scent and allowed himself to imagine never having to let her go.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Indie was quite certain of only one thing- she’d never been more confused in her entire life. Dammit, Indie. You knew this would happen. You knew you’d fall right back in love with him. You should never have agreed to this.

  She buried her face against his chest, hating herself for crying. Who the hell cried after the best sex of their entire life? Clearly, she needed psychological help. You don’t have to leave. Her heart made the timid reminder. The knot in her throat enlarged. She could barely breathe. You could stop torturing him and yourself. They’d just had completely unprotected sex. The ramifications of that were too much to consider just then. She was capable of nothing but existing moment to moment. The future had to remain at bay.

  “You okay?” Fear tensed in his thrumming intonation. He tended her with his arms and soft warm kisses he constantly brushed over her skin.

  She managed a nod. Please don’t make me talk yet. He seemed to understand her unspoken plea.

  “I’ve got you, sugar. I’m right here,” he constantly reassured. “I know you’re scared.”

  The certainty of his statement didn’t seem to require her agreement, though she made another nod.

  The silence wrapped around them, tucking them in amidst every uncertainty she’d clung to since the night he’d dragged her out of Saddlebacks and kissed her by his truck.

  Her hands explored the rugged muscle of his back, over the strength of his hips and then up the firm lines of his six-pack to his broad chest. The outer armor of her sanctuary, capable, steady, and strong. Ever-ready for whatever might happen. Nothing about that had changed in the last decade. She knew it would be far too easy to declare her intention to stay. She also knew nothing lasted forever. What she didn’t know was if the incoming debilitating heartbreak that inevitably came from the end of every relationship would be worth the years they remained together.

  She couldn’t hurt him. No one — not even Luke Camden — could possibly love her forever. Her own mother didn’t love her. She’d just asked him to have unprotected sex with her. What was she thinking? She could’ve just ruined his life. The perfection of what they’d shared and the terror over what might come next went to war in her mind. The fear won. It always did. She understood it. Knew what to do with it. It made sense to her when nothing else ever would.

  “I should probably go on. Daddy’ll be worried,” she managed. Run. Just leave now before you do something else horrible to him.

  Shock broadcast from every firm square-inch of his entire body, followed by pain. If she’d buried a knife in his chest she couldn’t imagine that his face would display a more terrifying picture.

  “What?”

  “Luke .…” she tried desperately to steady her racing heart. “I … know this was different. I know … something happened. I just have a lot to think about. I need some time. And Daddy’s expecting me back after the party.”

  “No.” The one word evulsed from his soul. “No. You’re not leaving tonight. We can think and talk together. You need time. You take it here. Don’t run from me again.”

  “I’m not.” But you are. Her heart wasn’t having it this time, it seemed. “I promise.” She lied to both of them, and he knew it. “I just have to understand, and Daddy’s probably already worried.”

  “Indie
… please,” his tone was ragged, desperate.

  “Luke, even if I stay here I have to go get my stuff.” There, that was a legitimate reason for returning to her father’s house. “I don’t have any clothes.”

  “Stop lying to me.” His eyes clouded with fury. She’d never been frightened of Luke, but she was terrified of hurting him.

  “I’ll be back.”

  Before he could make any more demands, she scooted from the bed and threw on the clothes she’d worn to the shower. She just needed to breathe away from those arms that made her feel like she really could exist with him forever, away from that intoxicating way he smelled like hay and leather and home, away from him. Then she could figure out what was supposed to happen next.

  He followed her out of bed, working his jaw like he was biting back a violent eruption of words with the strength of his teeth. When she picked up her bag, his teeth apparently lost their damming ability. “Dammit, Indie, do you understand what we just shared? You understand that you just asked me to make a commitment to you forever? And you understand that I would never have done that if I’d thought you were fucking leaving me … again?”

  “I’m not leaving!” shouted from her. Yes. This she understood. This she could do. Keep arguing. Just keep fighting. Fear and anger. Those made sense to her. They’d accompanied her entire life. She could tap into the ready will of her temper and shut out everything else. This was how she’d always survived.

  “Bullshit.”

  “You’re being an asshole.”

  “You are not leaving.”

  “You cannot keep me here,” she came right back, twisting the knife further.

  He edged closer, narrowing his eyes. The anguish in them cut her to the quick, but she refused to feel the pain. “Why do you do this to me, Indie? Why do you kill me like this?”

  Because if I don’t show you how horrible I can be, when you figure it out on your own you’ll hate me, too.

  “I’m going.” With that she flew out of his house. She made it to her car before she broke down completely.

  Luke paced and rubbed the fist he’d put through the wall in his bedroom just moments before. Damn it all to fucking hell. He was a bigger idiot than he’d ever thought possible. Demanding that she stay. Dumbest thing he would ever and could ever have done. Dumber than letting her leave that God-awful day back in college. Engage Indieanna Harper in an argument and expect to get anywhere worth being. He was a fucking moron.

  Shaking his head, he ordered himself not to go after her. A showdown in her daddy’s driveway at two in the morning. Not a good move. He’d fucked up enough for one night.

  You know why she does this, Camden. You’ve always known. Running his left hand over his face since his right was still throbbing from his self-abuse, he tried to figure out how to dig his way out of the shit hole he’d just created. Probably be a real good idea to stop digging. A woman who’s been told her whole life that she was unlovable will go well out of her way to prove it.

  What he wouldn’t give to tear Carolyn Harper Jenkins limb from limb, and he was the first man that’d beat a fucker stupid for laying a hand on a woman. He had to go with what he felt from Indie, not what came out of that ornery mouth of hers. And fuck it all to hell, he’d bound her to his bed, had her at his mercy, forced deep all-consuming orgasms and tearful emotions from her, and instead of dealing with the space she wanted to process all of that, he’d demanded she stay, again. Every time he held her down, she ran. Why couldn’t he remember that?

  His jaw and his wrist ached. He didn’t care. There had to be some way to erase the damage he’d just inflicted in their near perfect night. He should have held her close for as long as she would’ve allowed it, told her how much he wished she’d stay, offered to drive her home, and gone to bed. She would’ve been back by morning. She’d been closer to agreeing to stay forever not one hour ago than she’d ever been before, and he’d blown it being a dumbass.

  He’d felt her giving in. He’d gotten ahead of himself. And goading her into an argument was a rookie mistake. She was the strongest, bravest human being he’d ever known, but she was also broken, and he’d done nothing but tear her further apart instead of helping her find the strength to mend her own soul. He knew he couldn’t do it for her, but dammit he wanted to be the one that stood beside her for every step she made towards recovery.

  Indie stumbled up the carport steps at her father’s house. She had no idea why she was even there, other than the fact that she was a bitch of epic proportion for doing this to Luke. Her wrists still felt odd from being in fuzzy handcuffs for the last hour.

  Dammit, why couldn’t she just for once stop fighting about everything? Why couldn’t she just be in love and deal with life from there? Why did she just keep running? “One way or another, sweetheart, you gonna figure out that what you’re running from is what you should be running to. If that weren’t the case, why is my girl still running?” Her father’s words throbbed in her skull.

  Shaking her head, she eased the door open and stepped inside, certain her father was asleep. She’d come up with a plan in the car. She would get her stuff to prove to Luke that she was really going to try this time, and she would apologize to him.

  He was right. They had to figure out things together, even if what they figured out was that she simply couldn’t stay in the Glen. At some point surely he would realize that he deserved someone so much better than her, but she owed it to him to see, didn’t she? At the very least she owed him the two weeks they both wanted and to come see him more often, assuming he ever wanted to see her again at all after she’d asked him to have sex with her without a condom, then ran away after calling him an asshole. Her stomach roiled with self-disgust. Regret-loaded bile singed her throat.

  Wait, was someone … giggling? Her brow furrowed. An oddly strained moan reached her ears, but she wasn’t paying enough attention to contemplate it. She had to apologize to Luke. Heading to her bedroom to execute her plan, she froze in the kitchen. She fought not to gag. No. No. No! What the hell? Ugh! Turning around, she fled the scene, trying desperately to bleach her mind of the image of her father’s bare ass on the sofa pounding into some … woman. She shuddered.

  Blinking repeatedly, she tried to figure out what the hell was happening. Remembrances of the day she’d walked in on her mother and the mayor hammered in her head. The past and the present whipped into an odd frenzy of confusion. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think.

  A late-model Oldsmobile was parked by her father’s truck. Her father had … a girlfriend? No — a lady-friend? Wait, what the hell did people his age call this? Did her daddy bar hop? Who was this chick? Did he know her? Why hadn’t he mentioned her? And … dear God in heaven … her father was fucking a woman who owned an Oldsmobile.

  Throwing herself back in her car, she floored it out of the driveway. Running back to Luke’s house was the only thing that made sense. If he didn’t want to see her, she’d apologize for everything that happened and drive out to Miranda’s and stay with her. Tomorrow she could just go back to Oklahoma City. Everything was easier there. Pleasant Glen held far too much of the past, and yet somehow not enough to anchor her there. The changes were more than she could work through.

  She made it back to his front door in record time. Please let him forgive me. She wasn’t a girl that prayed for herself too often. There were people that needed help far more than she did, but not having Luke hate her was all that mattered.

  He jerked the front door open before her fist made the connection and hauled her into his arms, hugging her so tightly the air evacuated her lungs.

  “I’m so sorry,” he gasped.

  When he eased his grip enough for her to speak, she stared up at him, fairly certain he must’ve hit his head after she left. “What on earth do you have to be sorry about? I’m the one who’s here to apologize.”

  His red-rimmed eyes levied another round of guilt on her heart. She wasn’t certain how it was still beating under
the current insanity of her life. Drawing a deep breath, she went on with her speech. “I’m so sorry I did all of that. I should never have asked you not to use a condom, and I freaked out and ran away, just like I always do. Then I was a total bitch to you. I’m just .…”

  “Scared. I know. It’s okay to be scared, sugar. I said I’d give you two damn weeks, which isn’t enough time anyway, then I acted like a douchebag and tried to argue you into staying. It hasn’t even been one week. Fuck it all. I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’.”

  When Luke Camden’s vocabulary reduced to that many curse words, that wasn’t a good sign. He spoke like every other cowboy on the planet with a vocabulary that would make sailors blush, but it wasn’t like him to let them fly with such ease. He usually had a little more finesse. So they were both clearly freaking out. Somehow that made her feel a little better.

  “Maybe the two-week thing is a lot of pressure.”

  His harsh swallow and half-nod said he didn’t like where this was going. “I’m sorry I pressured you. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do that again.”

  “I’m not asking for an apology. I’m asking for your forgiveness. Maybe we could just take it sort of day by day. I won’t necessarily leave after the reunion, but even if we decide to try this … permanently, I do have to go back to Oklahoma at some point. I have to go back to work at least long enough to quit my job or whatever. I just think it’s a lot to consider. I’m sorry I freaked out.” There. That was what she was supposed to say, what she was supposed to feel, if only the crippling fear left room for any other feelings.

  He dragged her back into his arms, layering her against his chest. “Stop apologizing. You had every right to freak out. I was being an asshole. You want day by day. You got it.”

  “Um, I can’t go home … I mean … I can’t go back to Daddy’s.”

  “Most of me wants to thank my lucky stars for whatever made that so, but I have enough brain cells awake to want to know why.”