Her Mother's Daughter

by Lesley Crewe

  Bay gave up on the sewing machine and decided it would be easier to fix the overalls by hand. She grabbed the sewing basket and went out into the kitchen. Her mother stood by the window looking out. She held her arms, as if she was cold. She was so still it spooked Bay for a moment.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I have a funny feeling.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Liz went to the back door and pushed it open. She walked by the garden and over to the edge of the field. She stopped then and stared out at the water, as if she were searching for someone. Bay’s mouth went dry. She ran outside and hurried over to her mother.

  “You’re making me nervous.”

  Her mother didn’t answer.

  Flo ran out of her house. “Liz!”

  Liz turned around.

  “There’s something on the scanner. Men saying something’s happened out on the water. Now it’s probably nothing, but they mentioned Tansy Bay.”

  Liz began to run.

  “Mommy, what is it? What’s happened?”

  Bay went after her mom but she couldn’t catch her. Her mother ran down the street, her sweater flapping behind her. Bay stumbled as she tried to keep up. She had a hard time breathing. There was a sharp pain in her throat and she couldn’t hear anything except a roaring in her ears.

  There were other people running towards the wharf. Bay fell as she ran, but she didn’t know she’d fallen. The blood on her scraped knees wasn’t real, no more real than the people who shouted at her with no sound coming out of their mouths.

  She couldn’t see her mother anymore. She had to get to her mother. But two women tried to grab her and make her stop. She wrestled with them to let her go. Then two more tried to hold onto her, but Bay kicked her legs and tried to pry their hands from her body, just like she did with Bobby.

  Bobby.

  She broke free and ran and ran and ran. And then she stopped.

  Her mother knelt over her father and Bobby was asleep beside them. Oh. That’s good. Bobby’s asleep. Then he won’t have to be worried when he finds out that something’s wrong with Dad.

  There were people all around but this time they left her alone. They backed up when she walked over to her husband. She knelt on her bloody knees and touched his beautiful face. He was sleeping. He’d wake up and take her in his arms and smother her with kisses just like he had at three that morning.

  And then there was nothing but sound.

  People crying, screaming, and shouting. An ambulance siren. Men kneeling by her mother in tears.

  “His boot got caught in the line and he went over the side. The young fella tried to save him. We almost got to them. We almost did. But they were tangled in the rope. There was nothin’ we could do.”

  Bay looked up and saw Tansy standing on the wharf, Flo behind her.

  They looked at each other.

  That’s when Tansy fainted.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  It was hot and dry that September.

  When Bay took bouquets of wildflowers to Bobby’s grave, she always took a plastic container of water with her and filled the vase to the brim, and every day she’d go back and the vase would be almost dry. It was hard to imagine that all that water evaporated in twenty-four hours, so she liked to think that maybe a rabbit or a deer stopped by and had a drink; sometimes the flowers looked like something had taken a few bites out of them. She knew Bobby would get a kick out of that. It made her feel better to know that a creature kept him company through the starry nights.

  She divided her time between Bobby and her dad. She didn’t like to give too much attention to one and not the other. She and her mother would go, but her mother never stayed as long as Bay needed to, so they agreed it would be best to visit their men alone.

  Tansy never went.

  Bay gave up the apartment, of course. Gertie was the one who saved her life on that score, doing most of the work herself. Every time Bay put something in a box, she’d tell Gertie the story behind it and inevitably break down and cry when she closed the lid.

  She gave Bobby’s barbeque to his uncle. He objected at first, but Bay insisted. It would make her happy, she said. And it did; every time she drove by his uncle’s place, she saw him sitting by the barbeque as he cooked his solitary meals.

  Bay was back in her old bedroom, but it didn’t feel the same. Although she’d only shared a double bed with Bobby for three months, it was long enough to feel as if she’d been amputated in some way when she lay down at night on her childhood bed.

  Nothing felt right at home. It was quiet now, with none of the delicious aroma of Mom’s cooking permeating every room. Their mom spent most of her time out on the garden swing looking out over the water. People were kind enough to make meals for them. There was always a casserole left on the kitchen table.

  Most of the time they didn’t eat together. Mom sat in front of the tv in the living room holding a plate in her hand. Tansy was usually in her room with her small tv on. Bay spent a lot of meals with Gertie. They liked it when Gertie came over because she was the only one with enough energy to talk, and when she talked that meant the Gillis women didn’t have to expend any energy talking themselves.

  Mom’s cousin called and asked if she and the girls would like to come and visit, to get away from everything for a while, but their mother declined. It was too much effort to put one foot in front of the other, let alone pack a suitcase and drive to Fredericton.

  But Bay often wondered how they would fill every day for the rest of their lives. All she saw stretched in front of her was a vast yawning emptiness. At least she got to sit with Bobby every day. At least she had that.

  Even in the fog of misery that Liz lived in day after day, she slowly became aware that there was something wrong with Tansy, above and beyond the loss of her father and brother-in-law. Her good friend Joan confirmed it when she mentioned Tansy the day she brought over sweet-and-sour meatballs.

  “I saw her at the drugstore and I nearly died. She looks terrible, Liz. She’s like a stick and she was bundled up as if she was freezing to death. I don’t care what she says. You should take her to a doctor, because mono is nothing to sneeze at. It can affect your spleen, you know.”

  Liz thanked her. When Joan left, Liz walked upstairs and knocked on Tansy’s door. There was no answer. She was sure she was in there. “Tansy?”

  She heard a muffled “What?”

  Liz opened the door and saw that she was napping. She walked over and sat on Tansy’s bed. Joan was right, the child looked ill.

  “Tansy, this isn’t right. You’re spending your whole life in this bed.”

  Tansy didn’t answer her.

  “You’re seeing a doctor.”

  Liz reached out and felt her forehead and her glands. “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

  When she left, Tansy curled up in a fetal position. There was nothing she could do about it now. It was over.

  Because their regular doctor was on vacation, Liz took Tansy to an evening clinic. They sat and waited for almost two hours. Tansy didn’t say a word the entire time. It was as if she’d left and only her body sat beside her mother.

  The doctor called Tansy in. Now there was nothing for Liz to do but sit and worry. She was in there for a half an hour, at which point Liz became concerned. It got worse when the nurse came out and said the doctor wanted to see her. Liz hurried into his office. Tansy sat on the examination table wearing a paper gown.

  “Are you all right, honey? Is there something wrong?”

  Liz turned to the doctor. He took off his glasses. “First, may I say I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Gillis. Tansy told me about your situation.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Grieving can bring on a lot of symptoms. Excessive sleeping is one of them. Being depressed is another. Not eating is also common. Tansy is underweight and I’m concerned about that, given her condition.”

  “Condition?”

  “Her pregn
ancy.”

  Liz wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly. “Her pregnancy?”

  “Yes. I’ve examined her and she’s four months along. So far everything looks all right, but for this baby to thrive, we need to start taking better care of the mother.”

  The doctor continued to talk as he took out his prescription pad and wrote out a list of prenatal vitamins and a protein supplement. He suggested she see her family physician on a regular basis and have an ultrasound done to make sure everything was as it should be.

  “But the best medicine for Tansy is her mother’s tlc ,” he smiled as he passed Liz the prescriptions.

  “Of course.” Liz was aware of Tansy’s big eyes watching every move she made. She folded the paper and put it in her purse. “Thank you, doctor. I appreciate you seeing us. Tansy, I’ll wait in the car.”

  Liz didn’t remember her walk to the car. She didn’t remember Tansy walking to the car either. When she got in, however, she remembered saying, “Don’t say a word.”

  After that was a silence so profound it made Liz’s ears ache.

  When they got home, Liz got out of the car and went into the house. She walked upstairs and looked in Bay’s bedroom. She wasn’t there. No doubt she was at the cemetery. Liz removed her jacket and laid it on her bed. She waited for Tansy’s footsteps on the stairs. Once she heard Tansy close her bedroom door, she walked across the hall and opened it.

  Tansy turned around and looked at her.

  Liz took two steps forward and slapped her across the face as hard as she could. Tansy stood there and took it. She slapped her again. Tansy didn’t move. She slapped her a third time and still Tansy stayed motionless, never taking her eyes off her mother.

  “How do you know?” Tansy whispered.

  “I saw you that night. I didn’t know what it meant, but I saw you.”

  Tansy looked at the floor.

  “I can’t believe it. You and Bobby? How could he? How could you? How long was it going on?”

  “It was only that one time!”

  “And I’m supposed to believe that?”

  “It’s true! Only that one time!”

  “Oh my God. Why?!”

  “I loved him! I loved him!”

  “Bay loved him! He was supposed to be in love with her.”

  “He was! He didn’t want me. He never wanted me.”

  “Apparently he did that night!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Liz couldn’t contain her anguish. “Sorry? You’re sorry?! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve stolen your sister’s child!”

  Tansy broke down then. She fell to the floor and wailed in a voice so full of despair that her mother started to cry. Tansy keened back and forth as she asked for forgiveness, not seeing her mother, not seeing anything, and when she started to whimper, Liz got down on her hands and knees with her and took her in her arms. She shushed her like a baby and rocked her back and forth, back and forth.

  “It’s all right, I’m here, Tansy. I’m with you. I won’t let anything happen to you. I’ll think of something. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.”

  It was almost a week later when Liz asked both her daughters to come down to the kitchen. She made sugar cookies, the first time she’d baked anything. The lovely smell in the kitchen made it feel like home again, if only for a moment.

  She poured them all a cup of tea and passed them a cookie. Bay took one. Tansy didn’t.

  Liz cleared her throat. “Girls, we have something very serious to discuss. It affects all of us.”

  “Is this about Dad’s will?” Bay asked.

  “No. I don’t want you to worry about finances, your father left us in good shape.”

  “Okay.” Bay sipped her tea.

  Liz took a deep breath. “I know this is going to come as a shock, Bay, but your sister is pregnant.”

  Bay slowly put her mug down. She looked over at Tansy, who stared at her hands. “What?”

  Liz answered. “She’s four months pregnant, and that’s why she hasn’t been feeling well.”

  Bay kept looking at her sister. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  For the first time, Tansy raised her eyes. “You had enough to worry about.”

  “But…I didn’t know you were seeing someone. Who is it? Who’s the father?”

  There was a long moment of silence.

  “I don’t know.”

  Bay glanced at her mother.

  “It’s obviously a painful situation,” Liz continued, “and Tansy and I have discussed it endlessly. She’s obviously too far along to do anything about it…”

  “You would have had an abortion?”

  “I didn’t, did I?”

  “Bay, be quiet for a minute. What we’re trying to tell you is that Tansy doesn’t want the baby. She’s much too young to be saddled with that kind of responsibility, and you know how much she’s always wanted to travel and get away from here…”

  “You want to give the baby up for adoption?” Bay grabbed her sister’s arm. “Are you sure? That might be too hard.”

  “Everything is hard!” Tansy shouted.

  “Tansy.” It was her mother’s command to stay quiet.

  “Adoption is one solution,” Liz started again, “but there’s another option and we wanted your opinion.”

  Bay was confused. “What?”

  “I talked to Norma in Fredericton and she’s offered us a place to stay for as long as we like. If you think this is a good idea, we could go there and stay until the baby is born, and then come back home and tell everyone the baby is yours.”

  “That the baby is Bobby’s?”

  Liz cleared her throat. “Yes. We’ll tell people that you were pregnant when he died and only found out after he was gone.”

  “But why would I stay in Fredericton to have the baby?”

  “It was too painful to be here. You couldn’t handle it.”

  Bay put her hand through her hair, trying to make sense out of a senseless situation. “But what about Gertie? She’d know.”

  “You can tell her you’re pregnant over the phone. She won’t think anything’s amiss. She’ll be happy for you. Everyone will be happy for you.”

  “But what about Tansy?” Bay looked at her sister. “How are you going to cope with me bringing up your child? How would it work?”

  “She’d be the child’s doting aunt, wouldn’t she?” Liz explained.

  “I’m asking her, Mom.” Again, Bay put her hand on Tansy’s arm. “Do you understand how hard this would be for you? I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.”

  Tansy frowned. “It’s better than giving the baby away to someone I don’t know.”

  Bay sat back in her chair, her tea forgotten. “I don’t know what to say. This is all so…”

  “I’m not asking you for an answer right this minute,” her mother said. “You have to think it over. It’s a huge decision, one that affects all of us.”

  “Do you really think we’d get away with it?” Bay asked. “That this is the right solution?”

  Liz stood up from the table, her nerves frayed. “Bay, you’re asking me questions I can’t answer. I can only think so far ahead. We’re in this terrible mess and I honestly don’t know what else to do. I wish to God your father was here to help me, but he’s not. I’m doing the best I can, and maybe this is wrong and I’m making it worse, but I don’t know anymore. I really don’t.”

  Liz walked away from the table and went out the door. Her daughters watched as she went out to her swing. She looked so alone out there by herself, so small and vulnerable. Bay wanted to protect her from harm, as if Bay were the mother.

  The mother.

  Bay had to ask. “Are you sure you don’t know who the father is? Or are you just not telling Mom?”

  “You think I wanted to tell Mom that I don’t know who the father is? That it could have been any of two or three boys?”

  “Oh,
Tansy.”

  “Don’t feel sorry for me. I couldn’t bear that.”

  “I do feel sorry for you, but I’m also angry that you were so stupid.”

  Bay left her chair and went over to the sink. She leaned against it and looked out the window at the water beyond. “You don’t want this baby?”

  “No,” Tansy lied.

  Bay sat on the grass by Bobby’s grave. She had to talk it over with him. It was a beautiful day, with big white clouds crossing the blue sky. Every so often a cloud would cover up the sun and the warmth would disappear for a moment, but it always returned. Bay heard the birds in the trees and watched a squirrel scamper up a nearby tree, scolding her as it went. She absent-mindedly picked a nearby daisy and started to pull the petals.

  “The thing is, the minute they said it I knew I wanted to do it. Deep in my heart I wanted it. The thought of carrying a baby around and telling everyone it’s yours filled me with happiness, something I never thought I’d have again. But then my head kicked in and I thought of a million reasons why I shouldn’t, not least of which is that Tansy might change her mind, and where would that leave me? I feel sorry for Mom. She looks terrible. I could choke Tansy for doing this to her. You know how proud Mom is. She’d hate the gossip of Tansy being an unwed mother, but doing it to save the Flos of the world from talking about us is not a good enough reason.”

  Bay looked at Bobby’s name carved in granite. “It would also mean I’d have to leave you for five months, which is the hardest thing of all. But I know Dad’s here with you, which makes me feel better. What do you think I should do?”

  Bay pulled out the petals one at a time. “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes.

  No.”

  “Yes.”

  She kissed the ground in front of his stone. “I love you, Bobby. I’ll be able to bring the baby to come and visit you. Then it won’t be so lonely here.”

  Gertie was there to wave them off. So were Joan and a few other friends of their mother. They promised to keep an eye on things. Joan said her husband would make sure the furnace was checked and he’d put up the storm windows when the weather got colder. Flo said she and Ira would dig up the potatoes and put them down in the basement. She’d also pick the pumpkins, cut them up, and freeze them.