Her Mother's Daughter

by Lesley Crewe

  More unnecessary nodding.

  Anyone who’d been looking would have seen two people walk swiftly and ramrod straight down the hall carrying a mound of food, whereupon they turned on a dime and headed lickety-split up the stairs.

  And anyone looking five minutes later would have seen one person come down the stairs, go out the door, and disappear into the night.

  Tansy didn’t have a thought in her head. She didn’t know why she needed to see him. Maybe because she knew this would be the last unguarded moment she’d have with him, given that the wedding was only days away. And somewhere deep down she knew that he was always happy to see her when he’d been drinking.

  It didn’t take her long to get to the wharf. No one was around, but she did hear drunken singing from way up the road, no doubt guests of the stag party who were still weaving their way home.

  She’d been on her father’s boat lots of times. Tansy Bay and all the other fishing boats in the harbour were ready for the May fifteenth opening of lobster season, their hulls cleaned and newly painted, the buoys bright with neon colours, the traps waiting to be filled.

  Tansy climbed down the iron rails of the wharf itself and silently jumped down to the deck. She crossed over to the cabin door, slid it open, and slipped inside before closing it behind her. Her father had left a small deck light on, and she saw Bobby lying on his back on one of the bunks, his arm covering his eyes. The table was covered with empty beer and rum bottles, overflowing ashtrays, and empty chip bags and dip containers. Amazing how easy men were to please when it came to organizing a party.

  She tiptoed over to him and gingerly sat on the bunk. His breathing was deep and even. At one point he shifted in his sleep and his arm came down to rest against his chest. Tansy watched him and didn’t realize that she was crying until she felt a tear fall down her cheek.

  As soon as she could get the money together, she’d leave this place. She’d come to say goodbye in the only way that made sense; to be alone with him and no one else for a few moments.

  “I love you,” she whispered.

  She rose from the bunk and rushed to the door, but in her haste knocked over a rum bottle. It shattered on the floor. She spun around, her hands clamped over her mouth. Bobby sat up on the bunk. “Wha’… who’s there?”

  She didn’t move. He put his feet on the floor and held his head in his hands, before brushing his hair back with his fingers. He shook his head a little. “Christ, where am I?”

  Tansy backed up to the door, one small step at a time. He hadn’t seen her in the dim light and the thought of him seeing her now scared her to death. What was she thinking? What was she doing?

  Bobby stood up and staggered a little. He held out his hand and managed to right himself when he touched the side of the boat. His head was down, looking at his feet, as if he needed to know where they were. “I want…” He didn’t finish the sentence, just laughed and threw his head back. That’s when he saw her.

  A big smile came on his face. “Hey, you! Come here.” He gestured with his hand and waved her closer. “Come on, I won’t bite.”

  Tansy didn’t move. That’s why he came to her, which was a bad idea, because he banged into the table and knocked a chair over before he bumped into her. She tried to steady them both, but he swayed the other way and they ended up sprawled on the bunk.

  “Whoa, nelly!” he laughed.

  She sat back up and he struggled to sit up with her, his arm finding its way around her.

  “Hey there, Tansy,” he slurred. “I gotta ask you somethin’. Why don’t you talk to me anymore, huh?”

  “I talk to you.”

  “No, you don’t. You turn up that pretty little nose whenever I come in the room.”

  “I’m surprised you noticed. I thought you only had eyes for Bay.”

  He grinned. “My Bay-by. Get it? Baby. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? I can’t believe she’s gonna marry me. How lucky can a guy get?”

  “Did you ever like me, even a little?”

  He looked hurt, and put his hand up to her face. “Hey now, I always liked you.”

  “Do you like me now? Right this very minute?”

  “Sure I do. Hell, every guy I know wants you.”

  “But I only want you.”

  Tansy turned and straddled him as he sat on the edge of the bunk. “Kiss me once. Just once.” She didn’t wait for an answer, as she found his mouth and kissed him with her whole heart and soul. It went on and on until he groaned, reached for her head, and pulled her away from him.

  “Wait now, I don’t think this is right.”

  “Why not?” She kissed him again and rubbed herself against him. “This feels right to me. We’re alone and no one will know. I’ll never breathe a word to a living soul.” When she kissed him again it took him even longer to pull away.

  “I love you, Bobby. And I know you love me just a little. You did things to me that told me you did, but you never finished it and I need you to finish it. I’m going away and I’m never coming back. I need you to make love to me once before I go. Give me something to remember.”

  She moved against him as she waited, breathless, her mouth open.

  “Oh God, Tansy…”

  “You’re getting married. You’ll never be with another girl again. You wanted me once. I know you did. And now I’m here.”

  He kissed her as he pulled her down onto the bunk.

  They didn’t talk after that.

  When it was over, he turned away from her. She lay on the bunk, her chest heaving. He staggered forward and had to reach out to keep from falling over. He kept his back to her as he did up his jeans. Then he turned around and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “What are you doing here? Why are you with me?”

  “I wanted to say goodbye.”

  “You said it, now go.”

  Tansy got up off the bunk and had to walk by him. He turned away when she did. She was almost at the door when she heard a sob escape his lips. “What have I done?”

  “I’m sorry.” She opened the door.

  “Tansy, stop!”

  She stayed still.

  “Look at me.”

  Tansy raised her eyes.

  “You can’t tell her. Please…”

  “I won’t.”

  “Promise me?”

  “I promise.” She bolted out the door.

  Liz’s friend Joan was the last to leave the shower. She’d walked over and Liz wouldn’t hear of her walking back in the dark, so she threw on a sweater and drove her home. She was returning to the house when the car headlights caught someone walking away from the wharf. Liz had to look twice because she thought she was seeing things. But there was no mistake.

  It was Tansy.

  Liz lay awake all night, listening to Jack snore.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The wedding was beautiful, as weddings always are. They were married in the local United Church and the reception was in the church hall. It wasn’t a big wedding, as the groom only had a few relatives. His friends took up a couple of pews, but that was it. That’s why Bay didn’t invite as many as she could have. She told everyone she wanted a small and intimate affair.

  The morning passed by in a blur. There was the frantic rush to the hairdresser’s, followed by Bay’s meltdown when she got home. She declared she hated her hair and Bobby wouldn’t recognize her, it was that ridiculous, so back in the shower she went and all that money for the up-do went down the drain.

  Between them, Gertie and Tansy were able to fix up her hair with hot rollers, a lot of hairspray, and a few bobby pins. Someone had plugged in a curling iron thinking they might need it and someone else unknowingly brushed it off the dressing table. When Tansy stepped on it and screamed “Fuck!” her parents forgave her; it was a nasty burn. Her mother bound up her foot in bandages, which meant the shoes she was supposed to wear with her mauve gown didn’t fit. In the end they found a pair of ballet-type slippers for her to wear, which was the best they could do becau
se they were late as it was.

  Gertie grabbed the bouquets and ran out of the bedroom, just as their mom flew by looking for her purse. Their dad hollered up from the stairwell that the car taking them to the church had arrived.

  Bay looked around the room as if she’d forgotten something while Tansy grabbed a shawl and the dry-cleaning bag that contained Bay’s going-away outfit. They happened to see each other in the mirror at the same moment.

  “Can you believe I’m standing here in my wedding dress?” Bay laughed. “Remember the times we played dress-up and imagined this day?”

  “You look beautiful.”

  Bay held out her arms. Tansy dropped the things on the bed and hobbled over to her. They put their arms around each other and held on tight.

  “I’m going to miss you so much,” Bay whispered. “I’m going to miss my room and I’m even going to miss you flushing the toilet when I’m in the shower.”

  “I’m going to miss you too,” Tansy whispered back. “But you and Bobby belong together and I’m glad he makes you happy. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  They parted and wiped their eyes, laughing a little.

  They heard their father’s voice shout, “Get the Jesus down here, will ya?” then grumbling, “Girls. What the hell takes so long?” and their mother saying, “Now Jack…”

  Tansy and Bobby didn’t look at each other. Not once. As she limped her way down the aisle behind Gertie and ahead of Bay and her father, her only goals were to pretend she wasn’t limping and that Bobby wasn’t there. She looked at the stained-glass window above the minister’s head and once she was up at the altar, she turned and stared at the back of Bay’s veil.

  She didn’t hear their vows. The only thing she heard was the sound of her own heartbeat. After what seemed like an eternity, her sister and new brother-in-law kissed each other, turned to face their guests, and proceeded to walk back down the aisle. She automatically took the best man’s arm and limped behind them.

  No one noticed that they didn’t speak to each other. There was no receiving line, which was an enormous relief, and because of her foot Tansy was able to sit on a chair and didn’t have to mingle or dance. When people came up to commiserate with her plight she’d say, “I know. Can you believe it? What a stupid thing to do.”

  It all became a little too much after a while, so she told her dad that her foot was throbbing and she needed to go home. He told her she was a real champ for sticking it out as long as she did and he was proud of her.

  Before he helped her out of the hall, her mother came over and kissed her, and then Bay rushed to her side. “Wait a second. I’ll tell Bobby you’re leaving.”

  “No, don’t bother. I’ll see you guys in a week. Have fun in pei.”

  “No, he’d want to know. Just a sec.”

  Tansy tried to stop her, but Bay hurried over to Bobby. “Tansy has to leave.”

  “Does she?”

  “Come and say goodbye.” She took him by the hand and brought him over to her sister. “Thanks again for everything, Tansy. You’re the world’s best sister.” Bay hugged her and then smiled encouragingly at Bobby.

  Bobby nodded and gave her the briefest of hugs. “Yeah, thanks, Tansy. Hope your foot feels better.”

  As Tansy left on her father’s arm, Bay was upset. “I can’t believe she’s not sharing this entire night with us.”

  “I know.”

  “Why did it have to happen?”

  Bobby’s distress was evident. “Bay, please don’t be sad. It’s our wedding day.”

  She smiled and put her arms around his waist. “I’m sorry. I know how lucky I am.”

  Tansy’s father drove her home and helped her into the house and up to her room. He insisted on removing the bandages to take a look at the wound, whereupon he tsked and said she was going to the doctor in the morning to have that looked at. He wrapped it up again and asked if there was anything else she needed. She said she was fine.

  He put his hand on her shoulder, leaned over, and kissed her cheek. “I love you, Jack Junior.”

  “I love you too, Daddy.”

  He closed the bedroom door and Tansy took the quilt from the end of her bed and wrapped herself up in it. Then she cried herself to sleep.

  It was like playing house. Bay kept their little apartment as clean as a whistle, but she never minded when Bobby came home from the boat, stinking of fish and sweat. He’d shuck off his big work boots and outer gear and leave them on the floor in the small porch, before he’d go to the kitchen sink and wash his hands and face, always drying himself off with one of her brand-new dishtowels instead of the old towel she wanted him to use.

  Then he’d grab her around the waist from behind and pick her up off her feet. He’d walk into the bedroom with her kicking and trying to pry his big arms off her. She always protested because she was inevitably in the middle of something, but he wouldn’t listen when she said she was too busy to be loving him in the afternoon and why didn’t he wait until bedtime like any other normal person.

  Bobby would throw her on the bed and shut her up with one of his fabulous kisses and when their lovemaking was over, she was the one who grabbed his arm and asked him where he thought he was going when he’d try to get out of bed. His answer was always, “Nowhere, I guess,” before he’d jump back on top of her and tickle her or put his mouth on her neck and blow so hard it made funny noises until she’d pound his back to make him stop.

  On the July first weekend Bay told the whole family that she wanted them to come over to their apartment to celebrate Canada Day. Bobby wanted to christen their new barbeque, and she had her menu planned down to the last detail. The table was set for three hours before anyone arrived. Gertie came first, holding a bottle of wine and a little gift, which turned out to be a package of four new dishtowels.

  “I hear there isn’t a dishtowel in Louisbourg that’s safe from your grubby mitts,” she laughed at Bobby.

  “Hey, you.” He grabbed Gertie around the neck and gave her a noogie.

  Her parents arrived with a case of beer and a big Tupperware container.

  “Mom, I told you I was making everything.”

  “I brought along a few goodies. You don’t have to eat them.”

  “Are you nuts?” Bobby shouted. “Give me that.” He grabbed the container out of Liz’s hand and planted a big kiss on his mother-in-law’s cheek, which pleased her no end.

  “Where’s Tansy?” Bay asked.

  “She wasn’t feeling well. I think she’s coming down with something.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad.” Bay was disappointed. “She’s going to miss my first family dinner.”

  Bobby looked away.

  Her father put his arm around her. “Don’t worry, my love. You have your whole life ahead of you making dinners for this bunch. Now, who wants a beer?”

  Later that night as they were getting ready for bed, Bay came out of the bathroom with her toothbrush still in her mouth. She removed it long enough to say, “Is it my imagination or does Tansy not want to be around us?”

  Bobby was in his pyjama bottoms lying on his side of the bed, reading a book. He laid it down on the mattress. “What do you mean?”

  Bay sat on the bed. “I mean that I never see her anymore.”

  “Well, we’re married. It’s different now.”

  “Why should it be different? She only lives a few minutes away. I miss her.”

  Bay got up and went back into the bathroom. She rinsed her mouth out with water and spat in the sink. After turning off the bathroom light, she crawled into bed beside Bobby. He moved the book aside and put his arms around her.

  “When we were little, Tansy and I used to pretend that our fort down in the woods behind the house was a castle. I loved playing with her. She made everything seem magic, even though she was always the princess and I was always the humble servant.”

  “That doesn’t seem fair.”

  “I didn’t mind. I never wanted t
o be the princess. Tansy was always wailing in the tower about how the prince would never find her. It was more fun to be down in the dirt, pretending to make a magic potion in one of the old pots Mom let us use.”

  Bobby didn’t say anything.

  “And whenever we played together Tansy would think of the most outrageous stuff, like the time she put string nooses around our Barbie and Ken dolls and hung them on Flo’s clothesline. You should’ve heard Flo screech. She got in trouble for that one.”

  “Did she?”

  “Yes, but Tansy didn’t mean any harm. She’s got this wonderful imagination. I’ve always wanted to be like her. I’m so glad she’s my sister. I just wish I could spend more time with her.”

  Bobby hugged her tight and kissed the top of her head before whispering, “I’m sorry.”

  She put her hand on his cheek. “Silly boy, it’s not your fault.”

  “I love you so much, Bay,” his voice cracked. “You’re the sweetest girl in the world.”

  Bay looked at him. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m just…”

  “What?”

  “Don’t ever leave me, Bay. Don’t ever leave me.”

  “I’d never leave you. You’re my heart.”

  She kissed him then and everything was all right.

  It was the last day of lobster season, July fifteenth, and as luck would have it, it was a miserable day, with high winds and a big sea. The race was on to get as many traps as possible out of the water before the deadline. The fishermen of Louisbourg had been hard at it since four in the morning and by late afternoon they were weary, but all pushed themselves, knowing that the season was almost over. It had been a good one, with prices that were pretty decent. It had been worth the effort.

  Bay was over at her mother’s to use her sewing machine. She wanted to repair a couple of Bobby’s overalls, but the seams were so thick she had a hard time manoeuvring them underneath the sewing needle.

  Tansy was upstairs in her room, sleeping. That was all she did these days. Liz was sure she had mono but so far Tansy had refused to go to a doctor. She said they couldn’t do anything about mono anyway so there was no point.