Sister Wives

by Brown, Kody;Brown, Meri

  I’m in a fortunate position with Mariah when it comes to dating. While she has shown interest in young men, and looks forward to dating in the future, she is committed to remaining in our faith and living our plural lifestyle. With this belief comes her commitment to remaining virtuous and chaste until marriage. She holds high expectations and standards for herself concerning dating, kissing, and intimacy, and she has every intention of living up to them. She plans to finish high school, go on to college, and work toward her dream of becoming a doctor, and has said many times that she does not intend to get married until she’s through at least a few years of college. I look forward to seeing her achieve those dreams. I expect she’ll have her share of dating and heartbreak before she finds her soul mate, but I also know how stubborn she can be, and that she will live up to her own high standards. Kody and I have talked many times about her passion and commitment to our faith and are very proud of the path she is pursuing. In a lot of ways, I feel as if I have it easier with her choices than some of my sister wives have with their children. I have been absolutely blessed with her, in so many ways!

  Mariah and I have always had a special bond. Obviously, we are in a unique position because our household is quite small. On the evenings when Kody isn’t around, it’s just the two of us. However, Mariah loves being part of our very large family. She often tells me the best thing about polygamy is not being an only child, which she would be if it wasn’t for our plural lifestyle. While her commitment to our faith is based on something deeply spiritual, I know that having lots of siblings and many loving parents is definitely a draw to the lifestyle. She doesn’t always like being alone and she doesn’t like it too quiet, so our family fits her well.

  Since we moved to Las Vegas and we’re in different homes so far apart from each other, we don’t have the constant interaction with the rest of the family that we used to in Utah. Mariah and I definitely have different eating habits than the rest of the family, and now we’re able to cater to our tastes more often. When we lived in Utah, I would buy more “kid friendly” foods, knowing that very often, I’d have a child or two extra at mealtimes. That doesn’t happen quite as often now, so when the other kids come over and try to find something to eat, it’s not too much fun for them.

  Mariah and I like to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, or things that need to be prepared, like salads or fish or chicken. Since there are only two of us to feed, we don’t participate in the big family grocery trips with Janelle and Christine. There’s no point in us buying perishable foods in bulk—and I don’t have a lot of prepared foods in my cupboards. It even gets frustrating for Kody when he’s home that he can’t look in the cupboard or the fridge and grab something really quick. What age is it that you turn into your mom? I remember many times looking in my mom’s full refrigerator thinking there was nothing to eat. I think Kody feels like that at my house now! I’m pretty particular about what I like, so I haven’t always had the best results when I’ve asked my sister wives to pick up groceries for me. I forget when I give them a list that I need to be very specific. I like my bananas a certain color, and I like certain kinds of lettuce. I forget that their versions of bananas or lettuce can be very different. It usually just makes more sense for me to shop on my own. I tend to make more frequent shopping trips but buy less stuff than my sister wives.

  With only one child to feed, I have a lot more freedom and leisure at mealtimes–especially on nights Mariah decides to eat with some of her siblings—which can be frequent. Anytime any of our kids are over at another house at mealtime, it’s just a given that the child can stay for the meal. I know all of us moms have an open-door policy for meals, or anything else, when it comes to the children in our family.

  Robyn and her kids have joined us for dinner at my house often. There’s no rhyme or reason to when this happens, it’s just an impromptu event. Sometimes after she’s been over for a while, we’ll realize that we’ve lost track of time. Robyn’s daughter Aurora really likes to cook and is often the one who asks if they can eat over, and can she be the one to make pancakes for dinner.

  These evenings with Robyn have happened with and without Kody present, and I enjoy both ways equally. These bonding moments are important to me, especially now that we all live so separately in Las Vegas. Back in Utah, in the big house, it was easy to interact with one another. There was a little more spontaneity. Now every family gathering needs to be planned in advance. We have family dinner every Friday, but with some of the teenagers having driver’s licenses now, and all of them having friends and other activities, there’s usually at least a kid or two missing from dinner. In addition, we have lunch together on Sunday afternoons. Whenever we have a family meal, every wife contributes something to help feed the family, unless the meal is a birthday party. In that event, the mother of the birthday boy or girl takes care of the preparations.

  Despite the distance between our houses, especially mine, the kids have as much freedom as they like to come and go as they please. Mariah has her driver’s license now, and my old car, so she has a lot of freedom to see her siblings pretty much whenever she wants. She spends almost all of her free time with Aspyn, Christine’s oldest child, and Madison, Janelle’s oldest daughter. Those three girls were all born within three or four months of one another, and have always been very close. Of course, they still have the typical sibling rivalry that most teenage girls deal with, but they always come back to the fact that they are sisters and love one another, and love hanging out with one another. It’s been fun watching them grow up so close.

  Both Janelle and I have pools at our houses in Las Vegas, but Janelle’s pool is more popular than mine because it’s a little bigger and within walking distance of the other moms’ houses. During the summer, the older kids tended to congregate at Janelle’s house, while the little kids came and swam at mine. While I love having the younger children over, the teenagers just don’t hang out at my house enough! I miss that. In Utah, my part of the house was central in the home, so it was easy for the kids to just walk through the doorway and be in my house. It was definitely a more quiet part of the house, and the teenagers seemed to congregate there often.

  Because I only have one child, my house has always been the quietest of all our homes. Certain kids are drawn to this quiet and, ultimately, to me and what I can offer them. Because I don’t have all the extra responsibility and work that comes with having many small children, I can be focused on a child when he or she is in my home. I’m able to offer stability and structure to the kids, whether in the form of calm conversation or a quiet place to do their homework.

  Over the years, I’ve formed an especially close bond with Christine’s daughter Ysabel. She and I just sort of click—there’s something natural about our relationship. She loves to hang out with me, and when she’s being particularly needy, Christine loves for her to hang out with me, too! Ysabel is really precocious and fun, but at age eight, she can be a handful. With five other children, Christine sometimes doesn’t have patience for Ysabel. I really like the fact that I can be there to handle Ysabel when Christine is feeling overwhelmed with her. Christine will joke from time to time that Ysabel should come live with me since she loves being at my house so much. Half the time, I’m not sure that she’s joking!

  In the years since I first met Robyn and her kids, I’ve also developed a close relationship with her oldest son, Dayton. He and I have a fun, quirky relationship. I think the initial bond for us was that we share a birthday. One of Kody’s traditions for all his kids’ birthdays is to take that child and his or her mom out for a special birthday “date.” This could be anything from shopping for new clothes to going to dinner and a movie. Since Dayton and I share a birthday, he gets a special birthday bonus. He and I will go out and do something, just the two of us. It’s something I can do for him that helps to build and cement our relationship.

  My bond with Dayton, and all of Robyn’s kids, has definitely been an added bonus in the relationship Rob
yn and I already have. In fact, when I found out Robyn was pregnant, it was easy to quickly form a bond with her unborn child. Early in her pregnancy, I told her that we were going to need to get some baby things at my house, too, since I was sure that her baby would be spending plenty of time there. She agreed, and seemed to like the connection I was forging with her baby. In fact, at her baby shower, she got duplicates of one of the gifts, a baby bouncer seat, and instead of returning one and getting something else she needed, she left one of them at my house to use when her baby is here. I also did a little shopping and got a few little baby boy outfits for him to use while at my house. I was very excited and looked forward to when Solomon would finally be born. Now that he’s here, I get together with her often so I can see him and hold him and form a lifetime bond.

  I love being part of such a large and dynamic family. There is always something going on with our kids—graduations, sporting events, performances. My sister wives and I are constantly calling or texting one another, keeping everyone aware of all the events in the family. Keeping up with our schedule alone can be a full-time job! While the whole family doesn’t usually get to every event, we do our best to make sure there is at least some of the family in attendance.

  I try to get to the kids’ activities as often as I can, like Hunter’s football games. Even though I understand very little about the game, it’s fun being there and supporting him from the bleachers. Unfortunately, this last season I only made it to one of Hunter’s games. Mariah and some of the other kids, however, attended many more of them. It’s so fun to watch the closeness between the kids, and how they support one another in their sporting events and activities. It has especially been exciting to see the evolution of the kids over this first year in Las Vegas, from some of them being so upset and sad about our move, to where they are now, being involved with new friends, teams, and activities.

  Unfortunately, with such a large family, one of the problems is that not every event has a large show of family support. At one of Mariah’s recent school choir concerts, Kody and I were the only family members in attendance. I wish that more of our family had been there to show their support, but I understand that there’s always something going on, whether it’s another event, errands to run, or a mom just needing to take a little break and not go anywhere that particular day.

  Since we’ve moved to Las Vegas, our lives have become busier than ever. I really wish the five of us adults had a chance to get together socially more often, but it just doesn’t seem possible more than once a month. Oh, we spend a lot of time together when the kids are in school, at least twice weekly, but those times are business and organizational meetings. When we do have the chance to break away, we sometimes have had to make a conscious effort to not talk business, but to just enjoy one another’s company. Whenever the adults try to get together, my sister wives have to figure out whether their older kids are willing and available to watch the younger ones. I have to say, though, having just one sixteen-year-old, it’s kind of nice to not have to worry about babysitters or homework anymore. Mariah doesn’t have to miss out on the experience of babysitting her siblings, though. She is often over at Robyn’s house, helping out with her kids, and is happy to do it.

  Another thing we try to do fairly often as wives is go out to lunch and reconnect every once in a while. Since we’ve been in Las Vegas and we live so separately, and our lives have become so busy, meeting like this is a nice break. We do this while the kids are in school, and hopefully while we’re away, Kody is also taking the time away from wives and family to renew his own energy. He puts so much out to all of us that it’s important for him to have some rejuvenating time as well.

  Absolutely too soon, Mariah is going to move out of the house. She’ll graduate from high school in 2013, and she is determined and excited to go back to Utah for college. While I’ll be sad to see her go, I understand her wanting to return to Utah and get reacquainted with our church community. I’m proud of the commitment she has to her faith, and her desire to return to it, in spite of having to leave her family. She is very excited and looks forward to going back to the friends she left when we moved here a year ago.

  I’ve heard that when people become empty nesters, they have to figure out who they are again. This is kind of how I’m feeling right now. I think in particular, I’ll have to figure out what my place is in the family again. It will be a new chapter in my life and my evolution as a sister wife, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

  Whenever I talk to Robyn about this, she is so cute. “You still have kids, Meri. You still have kids!” she insists. She’s right. I know I do, but it’s different from actually having them in my home full-time, and having that constant influence over them.

  I’m at a major fork in the road of my life right now, with some major decisions to make, and so far I have no idea which path I will take. On my list of possibilities, these three stand out: I can continue my schooling and work toward my dream of becoming a counselor working with at-risk youth. I have the chance to pursue one of our family businesses by doing some humanitarian work and traveling with friends and family to new places I’ve never been before.

  The third possibility wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t have sister wives. Over the last couple years, I have been blessed to experience the true love that two sister wives can share. Robyn has shown me this many times, most recently after the birth of her son. Knowing that I have often dreamed of having more children of my own, and knowing that my body is very resistant to the idea, she pulled me aside, and with only the love that a sister wife could give or understand, she offered to carry a child for Kody and me. This would mean becoming a mother again in a way I never would have thought possible.

  All three are amazing opportunities that no doubt will fulfill my life in a way I probably never could have imagined. I don’t think any of my options are “right” or “wrong” for me, they’re just choices with different and amazing outcomes. As I continue to live my life, loving every moment I have with Mariah until she moves on to college and her adult life, I will do the best I can for myself and my family in the role that I am in, and I will work toward writing the newest upcoming chapter in the book of my life. I look forward to my future with hope and anticipation, fully expecting life to bring me all the happiness and fulfillment that I’ve had in the past, and then some. I have no doubt that it will be a truly amazing chapter!

  Chapter Ten

  JANELLE

  The beauty of living in a polygamous family is that we truly get to embody the principle that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Our family is that village. While all of our children have benefited greatly from the different personalities of the five adults who have raised them, it wasn’t always easy establishing the rules and guidelines for child rearing. When you have four adults, now five, who all grew up differently, with different freedoms and different household rules, coming to a consensus about what we should tolerate and what we should permit wasn’t easy.

  In the beginning, when we were just starting our family and Logan was the only child, there was a great deal of conflict over the rules for how the children would behave in the home. While we all did agree on the bigger issues, such as not tolerating it if children are disobedient or disrespectful, it was harder to come to terms about the smaller stuff. Some of the adults did not want Logan to climb on the couches and play with pots and pans in the cupboard. Being an adventurous child, Logan was eager to do these things. I was a permissive mother and allowed him to climb and crawl where he pleased. I wanted him to explore as much as he could as long as he wasn’t putting himself in harm’s way. Some of the adults didn’t agree. So there was a great deal of friction those first two years or so when Logan was learning to crawl and then walk.

  Like any parents, we were perhaps a bit too overprotective with the very first baby. Once the other children came along, things began to mellow a bit. My sister wives realized that kids needed to be kids. They would
climb and explore and there wasn’t all that much we could do to stop them. As our family evolved and we created our own households within the family space, each wife became more and more autonomous. We began to raise our own children the way we wanted to, according to the rules and guidelines we preferred individually. When children visit another mother in that mother’s house, they are aware that different rules are in place. For example, in Meri’s house, the children know they cannot roughhouse to the same degree that they can in Christine’s or mine. One way is not worse than the other, it’s just different. The children have learned to respect each mother and act appropriately in her respective household.

  But even with difference in rules between the houses, we still all have come to a consensus on the bigger, more universal issues. For example, we all agree on what constitutes disrespect. If any of the children, mine specifically, or those of my sister wives, are acting in a manner that is rude, harmful, or disobedient, any of the mothers is well within her rights to correct that behavior, usually with a scolding. I feel that a transgression that requires more than a scolding is something for the individual mother and Kody to handle. I will alert my sister wife that I have observed a problem but then leave it to her to handle as she needs to. The downside for our teens, especially, is that there is always a parent who could be watching! We joke with the kids that we have eyes and ears everywhere—because often we do. For example, recently I was running errands and observed one of our kids walking on the street quite a distance from home. Because it seems out of the ordinary, and because we parents communicate frequently, I knew that this teen was usually supposed to be somewhere else at this time. A quick phone call to my sister wife confirmed that it was okay for this teen to be in this unusual place. But if not? Well, then it’s accountability time for that child!