Sister Wives

by Brown, Kody;Brown, Meri

  When the children were younger, it was easier to cross-discipline them. The rules of behavior are a little more black and white when the transgressions are things such as lying or fighting. As the children have become teenagers, I find it’s a little more difficult to interfere with the way in which one of my sister wives manages things. There is a much larger gray area these days regarding what constitutes a transgression. The older kids have developed their own personalities and what one might do to be cheeky, another might do in good fun. One household might have different rules about phones, curfews, television—there are just too many variables at play. We all have strong relationships with our own teens and with each other’s teens, but since teens as a whole are more complex, rule and boundary setting is usually left to each particular mom, as she knows her own children best.

  Nevertheless, the universal rules apply—none of the adults tolerate blatant disrespect or lying from any of the kids, regardless of age or parentage. When either of these happen, I feel completely comfortable stepping in and asserting myself. I will also intervene when any of our children ignores his or her own mother’s instructions. I have no problem acting as a secondary enforcer, so the child knows the mother is to be taken seriously. There are times a particularly contrary kid gets the full force of all adults present ordering him or her to take his or her mother seriously. When this happens, the child knows it’s time to shape up!

  Compared to Kody and my sister wives, I am a softy. My older children tease me that I never enforce anything I threaten them with. This is mostly true. I feel more comfortable discussing with them what is wrong with their behavior rather than punishing them for it. I have always been a nonconfrontational person, so this is just my parenting style. If not for my sister wives and husband, my children would probably have run wild! The other adults are much quicker than me to carry out their punishments and rarely let bad behavior slide. I credit the way my children have turned out to the fact that my parenting decisions were backed up by Kody, Christine, and Meri, who also provided a structured environment for them and were not afraid to enforce things.

  Even when we lived under one roof in the big house in Utah, we still managed separate households (except for the mortgage). Although we discovered long ago that financial autonomy was important to each of us, we do often pass money back and forth between wives to help cover expenses. We all contribute on day-to-day stuff like baby shower gifts and wedding gifts. We also all contribute to larger family expenses such as the cell phone bill.

  This is not to say that there wasn’t overlap between us while our family was younger. Christine and I especially worked together and helped each other out financially as well as with meals and errands. When we lived in the big house, Christine and I usually did the bulk of our shopping together. It just made sense. Our kids are the same ages and like to eat the same things. On the days I was working, Christine usually made dinner for both my kids and her own. However, on days that I didn’t work, I usually cooked for my kids alone. Even when I put food on the table or stock my fridge, my kids are eager to go scavenge in other mothers’ fridges and cupboards. It is a universal truth that someone else’s food is always more interesting.

  The kids have always been free to move from house to house. Obviously in Utah, this was a lot easier than it is now in Las Vegas. These days there is plenty of walking, driving, and shuttling back and forth. It’s a lot of work to keep track of which kids are where, how they got there, how they’re getting back, and where they need to be later—everyone is always on the go. But it’s comforting to know that our kids are always being supervised by a parent.

  There are many evenings, especially on the weekends, when my house is completely quiet because the kids have dispersed to the other houses. Over the summer, my pool was pretty popular with the older kids, while the younger girls always got really excited to have sleepovers at Robyn’s. They think it’s cool to have a couple of new sisters with different toys and different games. During the school year, Christine and Robyn’s houses seem to be where most of the kids want to hang out because they are the easiest places for all the siblings to meet up with each other, as well as with other kids in the neighborhood.

  Certain kids often form attachments with mothers other than their own. These can be lifetime bonds, or simply temporary solutions to something a kid is going through during a particular time in his or her life. Currently, Hunter gravitates toward Christine. She has her own way of talking to him and can be more helpful to him during this phase than I can—and for this I am unbelievably grateful.

  I’m so glad that my sister wives, as well as Kody, are there with me as we navigate the murky waters of adolescence—especially issues of love and sexuality. For me, the most important lesson to teach my kids is not to get too serious, too fast. The adults constantly back me up and emphasize to our children that serious dating is not at all appropriate in high school. If our kids are to date, we prefer them to go on group dates. With Madison, Logan, and Hunter, I am very blunt in discussing the perils of too much intimacy before they are mature enough to handle it. I never tire of telling them that unexpected babies and STDs could mess up their lives if they’re not careful. But boy, do they roll their eyes at me when I get on my soapbox! Fortunately, I’m not in this alone. I have four other adults who will reinforce our vision of morality and help me make sure that my kids conduct themselves as safely as possible.

  Despite the complexity of my relationships with my sister wives, the support network we have is unbeatable. In the ideal world, we would all be able to be together as a family as much as possible, but with so many kids running off in so many directions, this is not always possible. I wish that I could attend more school functions than I’m able to. But we have to come up with a “divide and conquer” system. While not every mother can attend every event, no child will ever have a recital, game, play, or graduation without a few members of the family present. So if I can’t make it on game day, I know at least one of my sister wives will be there. That is the beauty of our family, especially now that we are able to live out in the open. We can be there for one another without question and without scrutiny. We can finally be the family we always dreamed of being.

  Chapter Eleven

  CHRISTINE

  Having six kids of my own and another eleven children who come and go from my house is both fun and challenging. Over the years, my sister wives and I have had to figure out how to combine our different parenting styles into a cohesive vision that our kids completely understand. As our kids grow up and mature, we can see the benefits of our many different perspectives, which have all contributed to how well rounded and well adjusted our children are. However, as the kids have gotten older, the difference in my sister wives’ and my parenting styles has grown more apparent.

  While all four of our households have more or less the same rules, the enforcement can be quite different! For example, none of us permit jumping on the furniture—but Meri’s couches will last her entire lifetime, while Janelle’s were broken after a month. Mine get really, really dirty, really, really fast, while Robyn’s will remain pristine for a long time.

  In the same vein, there’s no eating in the living room—in any of our houses. Meri’s living room is spotless, without a crumb to be found. Janelle has food spots on her carpet and couches, and I find wrappers shoved in between the couch cushions. Occasionally, I even find plates and forks under my couches. (Robyn is in the “hidden wrapper” camp as well, but not to my extent!)

  In many ways, we’re lucky that not all of us react the same way to issues with our children. There are times when it seems impossible for me to connect with my kids, so I really lean on my sister wives for help. Meri has a sweet way of engaging Ysabel. She responds to her lovingly and patiently, and Ysabel is sweet back to her and loves Meri. The other day I picked up Ysabel at Meri’s house and she told me that Meri was her “bestie.” I adore Hunter and he is always welcome in my home. During his difficult adjustment t
o living in Vegas, he always knew he could come to my house and I would just be there for him. I totally understood why he was feeling troubled—his world was out of his control and he needed Truely time. In the same way, Robyn has been wonderful for Mykelti. She gets her, and this has been so important for me because not everyone in the family fully understood her unique outlook. At times, she has really struggled with her identity, and I know it helps her to have family other than Mom to confide in. While all of the wives pitch in to help with the kids however they can, I also go out of my way to interact with my children on a one-to-one basis. I think that individual time is really important in a family as large as ours. We have reading times and time for games—my kids are my favorite hobby.

  I regularly organize outings for my group of six, even if they’re simple treats. We get ice cream or rent a movie and all watch together in my room. Back in Utah, we went to my mom’s house every Sunday. I’ve tried to keep the tradition of a Sunday expedition now that we’re in Las Vegas, but since the traffic here is terrible, we often keep it local—one week we drove out to the desert, and another, we all went bowling downtown. And of course we still do things with the whole family. Since we are away from our church, we worship in our homes instead—we have a family service, followed by a family dinner, which gives us some time to hang out together afterward. In the evenings we usually play games, read, or watch movies—the normal stuff that all families do together.

  Since I spend so much time with my kids, I feel that I’m quite tuned into their needs. This allows me to establish realistic punishments on a case-by-case basis. I choose consequences to fit the situation. When Aspyn leaves the car messy, she has to clean it out and vacuum it. When Mykelti wears immodest clothes, I take them away. When Paedon gets bad grades, he doesn’t play Xbox. When Gwendlyn picks on Ysabel, she does Ysabel’s chores, and when Ysabel is a brat, she can’t spend time with me.

  One of the major problems I am having these days is with how my older girls, Aspyn and Mykelti, dress. They insist on wearing shirts with low necklines that show an indecent amount of skin. All of the adults agree that even a suggestion of cleavage way oversteps the boundaries of what is appropriate, but the girls keep trying to get away with revealing too much.

  If my sister wives and I were to address this problem separately, this is how we would handle it. Meri wouldn’t let the girls buy the shirt in the first place. Janelle wouldn’t notice the low shirt unless it was unbelievably drastic, but then she’d tell them it was inappropriate. Robyn would give them a lecture on purity, while Meri would want them to express themselves while still remaining within the rules of our family. I just look at them, groan, and ask them to change their shirt or pull it up so it covers more skin. Recently, I’ve hidden all of the girls’ shirts with low necklines—but they keep finding new ones. Argh!

  The neckline issue is one that we all agree on as a family; we just have different ways of addressing it. But we don’t always see eye-to-eye on other parenting issues. If some of the moms don’t agree with how another sister wife is raising her own kids, we may take the liberty of giving her our two cents’ worth, but this is rare. However, if I have a problem or a concern with one of my kids and don’t know how to handle it, I usually ask another wife’s opinion. One of the best things about living in a polygamous marriage is that when I’m unsure about how to approach a situation, chances are one of my sister wives has some great advice—or has lived through the same thing!

  One of the things we are all working through together as a family is the dating question. We have a lot of teenagers who are testing the boundaries of what is permissible. As adults, we have to band together to give them constructive guidance so the kids can understand the consequences of taking on too much before they are ready.

  As a general rule, before they are sixteen, the kids can hang out with friends and go to dances or movies as long as there is nothing romantic going on. If one of the kids is “crushing” on someone and he or she is not sixteen, they can’t go out with that person. Once they are sixteen, the kids can group date. However, they have to wait until they are eighteen for individual couple dates.

  As much as we want to strictly enforce these rules, there are always gray areas. When she was fifteen, Mykelti wanted to go to a dance with a friend. She promised that there was nothing romantic at all between this boy and her. They were purely platonic friends. Kody and I agreed to meet him. Then we took her phone from her and read all of her text messages to this boy in order to make sure there was no “crushing” going on. One we were certain that Mykelti and this boy were nothing more than friends, we allowed her to go to the dance.

  As it turned out, I had to be out of town for her dance. So I asked Mykelti which of my sister wives she wanted to be her “mom” that night and help her get ready. She chose Robyn. Robyn made sure Mykelti’s makeup was done and that she was dressed modestly and her hair was arranged beautifully. (Robyn is great with makeup and hair.) She sent me a photo of Mykelti before the dance, too. It was a cute bonding experience for all of us.

  We also let our teenagers have access to social media to keep in touch with their friends, but we monitor their online presence—I think it’s brilliant for parenting! It helps all the adults keep tabs on the older kids together, and it’s particularly important now that our children are in the public eye. The kids have their own social media accounts on Facebook and Twitter, and we have a family YouTube channel and a family Web page. Aspyn even has her own computer, which she bought after working a summer job.

  I ask the kids not to go on blogs about the show, because some people have no conscience online and say whatever they feel—and sometimes it has really hurt our kids. Once a lady was wrecking on Robyn, and Aspyn came to her defense, saying, “She is one of my moms and I love her, and you don’t know her. You think you know all of us just from watching us for an hour a week, and you judge us with your small amount of knowledge.” I think we all have to learn to deal with controversy in our lives, and the kids are having to learn that now.

  Of course, having four households with different house rules does complicate things for the kids. But the pros of this situation far outweigh the cons. I absolutely love that the kids travel from house to house simply because they want to be with one another—or be with other moms. Janelle’s boys, Hunter and Garrison, seem to be over at my house a lot, while Ysabel is often at Robyn’s or Meri’s.

  Once the summer ended and pool season came to a close, my house became the house where all the kids hung out. I love hearing them talk all at once and I love joining in their conversations. I think my baby, Truely, is one of the reasons a lot of the kids come over. She’s such a funny baby and always up to something crazy that makes everyone laugh. I’ve always wanted to have the “hangout house” and now I do!

  I’m a little stricter when it comes to organized family activities at my house rather than casual hanging out. Whenever the entire family is coming over for a game day or potluck, I make my kids clean the house first. When this happens, they always grumble and tell me they’d rather be hanging out at Janelle’s.

  Over the years, Janelle and I have developed a symbiotic relationship in which we naturally gravitate toward helping each other out. She works and I take care of the house and kids. In Utah, we either did our shopping together or I’d pick up stuff for her or she’d do the same for me. If I was cooking dinner for her kids and didn’t have something, I felt comfortable raiding her fridge or cabinets for what I needed.

  Except for our weekly Friday dinners and our Sunday potluck, there has been less overlap between our households since we moved to Vegas. We eat at our own houses most of the time. We tend to congregate more often in groups of two. So many relationships in our family require one-on-one time to properly develop—it’s not something that only happens when you’re adding a new wife to the family. The kids travel back and forth all the time, but the wives are all busy, so we tend to stick to our own houses and work independently. Our f
amily identity has really changed since the move, and it’s sad to think about how we used to interact more often. Now we talk on the phone or have family meetings, but the spontaneity is gone. We have planned meetings, planned lunches. Planned phone calls, blah, blah, blah, boring. I miss all the hanging out, but can’t seem to get myself out of my home in the evenings.

  Looking into the future, I would like to move back into a house with a sister wife. I miss the communal aspect of our plural lifestyle. Recently, Janelle and I have been looking at houses together. We are a good team. She is practical and can take care of the finance, administration, and bills, while I can take care of cooking, cleaning, and crafts. Our two groups of six children are all close in age and would absolutely love to be under one roof again. The only foreseeable problem we are facing is that we need a house with at least nine bedrooms—a mansion, really! But somehow we will make it work. It helps that both Robyn and Meri like having their own space, and prefer to have their own houses. Some people may think that sister wives are all joined at the hip, but we’re a great example of a family in which some people want more closeness and some want more privacy, and we find a way to accommodate everyone.

  There will always be changes to our lifestyle. Our family keeps growing and evolving. Logan, our oldest, is already getting college acceptances, and soon Aspyn and Mariah will be, too. Who knows what will happen then? How will we adapt to a slightly emptier nest? I have no idea. But I’m sure whatever happens will be full of surprises, as always.

  Chapter Twelve

  ROBYN

  Since I am a relative newcomer to the Brown family, I do not share as much collective history as the rest of my sister wives do. I’ve never lived under the same roof with any of them, so I’ve been spared a lot of the conflicts and growing pains that my sister wives went through as they figured out how to raise their children together and integrate their lives with one another.