It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  It Was Always You

  by Asrai Devin

  © 2017 Asrai Devin. All rights reserved.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Kindle Edition, License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Amazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  asraidevin@gmail.com

  http://www.asraidevin.com

  Cover Image by Olichel on Pixabay.com

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  About the author

  Chapter 1

  Ben Woodley’s email notification popped up. Sender: Selene Murphy.

  He smiled and clicked it. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to read her words. He wanted to hear her voice. He wanted to see her. He wanted to touch her.

  He sighed. He’d be with her again in three days. The last time he saw her was four years ago. Would it be awkward to see her?

  He didn’t care if it was awkward, he couldn’t wait to breathe the same air as her again. Maybe hug her. That was as far as it went with her. A couple of hugs over Christmas break only, then so long and back to work until he visited again. Or she visited him. That would be nice. He had an extra room. She could tour his office. See where he spent all this time. Too much time.

  His head snapped up. He hit the button for his secretary. “Yes, Ben?” she asked.

  “Never mind. I had an idea.”

  “Okay. Do you want me to make a note?”

  He laughed. He did this once a week. It was embarrassing the first few times. Now it was their version of normal. “Not yet. I need my brother’s home number.”

  “You aren’t canceling your trip home are you?”

  “No. I’m not. Everyone has been saying I need a personal assistant. I know the perfect person.”

  “Okay.” Her confusion echoed through the speaker. “Don’t you have his number in your cell phone?”

  “Oh right. Yes.” His mind focused on his goal, not the bigger picture. “Thank-you.”

  “Who is this perfect person?”

  “Selene.”

  “And who is Selene?”

  Who was Selene? She was everything pure and good in the world. She was love and light. She was his best friend, his only friend. She was the one woman he couldn’t have.

  He scratched the back of his head. “My niece. I guess. Her mom married my brother, I lived with them before I started Light Up. She graduated as a business major in the spring. She’s perfect.”

  “Are you certain she’ll be interested?”

  “I’ll convince her.” She knew enough about his company from talking to him the last two years. She constantly asked him questions. And he had used it as an example enough she used it in her papers and assignments. But was that just Selene being Selene? Did she care?

  “I’ll take your word for it.”

  Then there was one issue unresolved between them. He couldn’t even think about it, and it was one his mind constantly. He screwed up majorly with her four years ago. Then he stopped calling her. He didn’t know what to say. Sorry seemed dishonest. He wasn’t sorry, but he acted inappropriately. But the only reason he was sorry was because he couldn’t have her, he couldn’t touch her.

  He hadn’t seen her in four years, but he had been emailing with her for the last two. He helped her with school, and slowly they connected again through those emails. And then texting. And phone and video calls.

  He tried to keep her at a distance. He tried to limit it to email, but when she sent a picture of her pouting, he gave his cell phone number. He tried ignoring her late night calls, at least late for him, she was half a country and two time zones away. And the distance was probably a good thing. Otherwise he could have seen her. He had almost booked a plane ticket a dozen times a month in the last six months.

  Whatever she objected to, whatever she wanted, he’d give her to make this happen. He needed her to work for him. As his assistant she would be privy to the most intimate details of his business. He couldn’t trust that to anyone but her.

  He unlocked his cellphone, but the time blinked at him and he realized she would be at work. He’d have to wait until later. Maybe he should just wait until he was there in person. He’d never convince her over the phone. Face to face would be best, where he could read her face, her reactions.

  He flew out in three days. He had to prepare himself for any and every question she would have. Salary, her responsibilities to him, what in her background that made her perfect. He searched for her name. Yes, she was there. Her resume. Her awards. Everything.

  And her beautiful face. His stomach clenched. She’d grown up in the last four years. He could see the child’s face within from the first day he walked into Kim’s house. He was fifteen and traumatized. She was five and innocent. And she offered him cookies she baked with her mom and begged him to play tea party.

  He wanted to say no, but he couldn’t handle the warble in her chin, so he played tea party. And they became best friends until he moved out after he graduated from college. He worked in the city for a few years until he saved enough to start his business. Then he moved across the country to where he could oversee the manufacturing process.

  Kim called this fall and told him he was coming home this Christmas. He owed everything he was to Kim and his brother Dan. They saved him. They supported him. They made him into who he was. He couldn’t say no to her. So he had Lynn book his ticket and he was taking five entire days off to visit his hometown, his brother, his sister-in-law, and Selene.

  He moved his cursor over the button to close the window. He minimized it instead. Lynn knocked on the door before sticking her head into his office. “Quitting time, Ben. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  He lifted his head and gave her a fake smile. “Good night Lynn. See you in the morning.”

  She shook her head. She didn’t like his late hours, or lack of a social life. She gave up on trying to change him a year ago. Ben flipped back to the sketch on his computer he was working on. He needed to send the changes so the prototype could be made. He wanted the new model of the toy into production ASAP so he could focus on the computer game series he was developing in partnership with another company.

  An hour later his hand cramped and he flipped to the tab of Selene. He stacked his hands behind his head and smiled at her picture. She was exactly who he needed.

  On the way home he stopped and grabbed a sandwich. He turned on his laptop and in his browser window was Selene again. His stomach churned and he shoved the sandwich in the fridge.

  It was too early to go to bed, but work no longer interested him. He tapped at his phone screen until he got to his text conversation with her. He tried to think of something witty to open with. She’d be arriving home w
here she would eat supper with her family. Mom, step-dad, and their son Kent.

  Would she have the same habit of twirling her brown hair around her index finger while she talked? Would her eyes still sparkle when she giggled?

  His phone rang and he wondered who would call him this late. Selene Kitten. Her name popped up on his screen. Warmth filled him as he answered. “Hello.”

  “Ben.” Her voice was like a song. “Are you home?”

  “I’m home. What are you doing?”

  “It was my night to cook supper, so I’m free from doing dishes. I checked my social media. My email is full of stuff I am ignoring. I was watching hockey because Kent got the remote before me. And that got old fast.”

  “So I’m your last resort for entertainment.” He smiled at the phone. Where was she? What was she wearing? How had her day been?

  “You were my first choice, but I’m usually interrupting you.”

  “You are never interrupting me. Are you bored now that you don’t have hours of homework?”

  “I think so. How was your day?”

  “Productive. What about you?” He moved to the sofa and laid on his back, staring at the ceiling.

  “Productive. But kind of boring. I like my job, and I know I’m still new, but it’s easy work.”

  “You just started. They won’t hand you the hardest stuff.”

  “I know. It’s boring. I need more challenge.”

  “Well, in a few days I’ll be there to entertain you.”

  “Can it be tomorrow?”

  “No. It’ll be soon enough.”

  “It’s three years too late.”

  He sighed as guilt filled him. “Better late than never right?”

  “Yes. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “You always were excitable. I need to talk to you when I get there.”

  “What?”

  “It can wait until I see you. It’s nothing exciting.” Only something that could change the rest of their lives.

  “You are mean to me.”

  He laughed. “I should have kept it to myself. What are you hoping Santa brings you for Christmas?”

  “I dunno. My student loans paid off. What about you?”

  She allowed the change of topic. That was easy. “You.”

  She was silent. And his heart dropped. He said the wrong thing again, he made another mistake with her.

  Her sigh came through. Her voice was thick. “I guess we are both getting what we want. I wanted you to come home for Christmas.”

  “I’m sorry I stayed away. I’ll make it up to you okay?” He wished he could hold her now, wipe away her sadness. He didn’t deserve her love and admiration. It was his cross to bear, his debt for past sins.

  “I will hold you to that. It’s late you’re probably ready for bed.”

  Not that late but he didn’t know what else to say to her. He had no reason to keep her on the line. And he wanted to keep the job offer to himself until he could see her eyes.

  “I guess it is that time.”

  “You will work for another hour aren’t you?”

  “I’ll check my email once more then go to bed. Will that suffice?” Once he was in bed, he could pretend she was there. He could imagine he could hold her all night and it would keep his demons away. She was a shield against everything bad in his world. How did he survive before her? He needed her in more ways than one. He tried to stop, but she pushed back into his life.

  “I guess so. Three days?”

  “Three more days,” he confirmed. Three more days and he would wrap his arms around, he would breathe her scent. He would see the laughter in her eyes. He would smile at the way her hands fluttered while she talked. He’d be safe for a while. He’d be loved. He’d be home again. He’d be with his Selene.

  Chapter 2

  Selene wanted to sit in the living room and press her nose against the glass waiting for Ben’s car to pull up. She used to do that every day after school while she waited for him to return. And sometimes at night when he went out with friends she’d be there watching for him. She would beg and find excuses to stay up, she would stay awake by sheer willpower until he came home and said good night to her.

  He never went on dates. Not in high school or college or after graduation. He never brought a girl home. She would have thought he was gay except when he kissed her four years ago. She asked her mom about his past after their kiss. Mom said he went through some bad abuse before he came to live with them and it probably made him wary of getting close to anyone.

  After they kissed four years ago, he disappeared. She knew she was the cause. She was mad at him for a long time. Then she spent a few months being sad about it until one day she decided to email him under the guise of homework help. He replied three days later, but the quickly found their old rhythm. And they had talked daily since then, but he still never visited until her mom called him and made it clear that he couldn’t stay away any longer. His family missed him.

  Three days ago he mentioned he needed to talk to her. Since then he ignored her inquiries into the details of the discussion. He also refused her offer to pick him up. He was renting a car and he would drive home.

  She pushed the button on her phone and checked the time for the millionth time in the last twenty minutes. He’d be here any minute. She tried not to bounce or grin or show her mom how excited she was.

  What was she going to say when he arrived? Would she call him Ben, Uncle Ben? She called him Uncle Ben until four years ago. Last time she saw him, the term uncle no longer fit their relationship. She was a grown up. She had a college degree, a job, student loan debt. In a couple of months she’d rent own apartment, her own life. Find a boyfriend. Have a life.

  “Carrots will not chop themselves,” her mom said.

  She made her knife smack into the cutting board to prove she was working. “I’m doing it.”

  “You need to finish those before you go pick up Kent and Maggie.”

  “Yeah, everyone wants to see their little brother make puppy dog eyes at his high school girlfriend. It’s disgusting.”

  “Your brother is in love.”

  “Come on, give me a break. He’s sixteen. It’s not real love.” She was one to talk. She thought she loved her high school boyfriend until he broke her heart. She loved Ben, but that was different. It wasn’t sibling love because she ‘loved’ Kent. But it wasn’t as if she wanted to marry Ben either.

  Right? Right. Just because she wanted to kiss him again, didn’t mean she wanted a relationship with him. Just because her heart squeezed tightly and her stomach got butterflies when she heard his name, read his emails, thought of their kiss. None of that meant anything.

  The knock on the door made her drop her knife. Ben! He was here! She suppressed her urge to squeal while jumping up and down and clapping. She bit her bottom lip to keep the smile to a minimum. “I’ll get it.”

  “Thank-you,” her mom said.

  Selene watched over her shoulder and when she was sure he mom wasn’t looking she ran for the front door. She opened the door and stared him. She ran her eyes over him, hungrily, trying to memorize every detail in a moment. She realized she was staring and opened her mouth to say hello. The words stuck in her mouth and she did a weird fish move.

  “Hi, kitten.” He gave her a crooked smile and she launched herself at him. He caught her into his arms and held her tight.

  “Ben,” she whispered, pressing her face into the wool of his coat. “You’re here.”

  He eased his grip on her but she held fast. “I am here. No more Uncle Ben?”

  She let go of him and stepped back. She gave him a shy smile and shake of her head. Self-consciousness stole her words.

  He patted her shoulder. “I guess you’re too old for that.”

  He tipped his head to the side and raised his eyebrow. She realized she was frowning at him. She nodded, biting her bottom lip. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too, kitten.”

  She wa
nted to snuggle back into his arms, to revel in his nickname for her. She wanted to sit with him and study his face until she had it memorized again. His eyes were exactly as she remembered. Soft, brown, full of kindness. He wore his hair longer and he wasn’t clean shaven, a stubble covered his chin and cheeks. She wanted to reach out and touch it.

  Her hand moved up to do so, but she caught herself and played with her chain. She watched him as he took off his coat and shoes and put them in the closet. “You’re all grown up. A woman now.” He looked over his shoulder at her.

  Blood rushed to her cheeks, but she couldn’t look away. She clasped her hands behind her back. “Thank-you.” Did he see her as a woman when he looked at her? As an equal? What did it mean for their relationship if he no longer saw her as a girl?

  “Where are Kim and Danny?”

  “Mom is in the kitchen. Dad is watching hockey.”

  “You’d think one of them would come greet his only sibling.”

  “I wanted to see you.” She couldn’t help the little pout sneak into her voice. She wanted him all to herself. Want was too weak a word. She longed for him, needed him.

  “Me too.” They stared at each other. “I should go say hi to Dan.”

  “I had better return to the kitchen so I can finish cooking before I have to pick up Kent.”

  He gave her one last smile then disappeared. She sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. She was wrong earlier when she told herself her feelings for him were more platonic. She loved him, capital L love. She would have to work on her imagination telling her he wanted her as well.

  She could hope anyway.

  He kissed her cheek and her heart twirled until it got dizzy and fell to its knees. She was pathetic. She didn’t care. Ben was here. He left his suitcase in the entryway and went into the house. She followed but took a right for the kitchen, instead of left for the living room.

  “Kitchen too hot?” her mom asked.