It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  “It’s warm with all the baking we’re doing I guess.”

  “Your cheeks are red. Was it Ben?”

  She pressed a hand to her cheek where Ben had kissed her. “Must be all the heat in the kitchen. It was Ben.” Benjamin Ernest Woodley. “He went to look for Dad.” Dan wasn’t Selene’s biological dad, her bio dad was an abusive piece of shit. Dan was her real dad. Her mom married him when she was five, and she called him Dad since then. And Dan and Ben were only half brothers, but given the age differences and family situation, Dan was more Ben’s father than brother. But, whatever the complicated truth, they were family. And they loved each other.

  “Finish those carrots then pick up your brother and Maggie.”

  “Do I have to?”

  “Yes. They are sixteen and in love. You can manage not to vomit. It makes me think of the way you used to follow Ben around. He was so good to you. Shame he never married or had children.”

  “He’s in his thirties, not sixties, Mom.” Or maybe he preferred being single. Or maybe he was waiting for her. She put extra effort into chopping the carrots. He didn’t wait for her. He didn’t want her like that.

  His lips against hers, the smell of his cologne, drifted through her memory. Maybe she could pretend for now.

  Ben had to escape the cramped entryway where Selene greeted him. She wrapped her body around his and held him longer than socially acceptable. He wanted to hold on as well, but he didn’t want Dan or Kim to find them in the intimate embrace. He wanted to keep that for when they were alone.

  No! He would not touch her like that again.

  He was thirty-two. He had self-control. He had enough around the few women who thought they’d try to date him in the last four years. He told them he was married to his work, but they wanted to try. And few of them interested him more than work. Few affected him physically and none affected him emotionally.

  But here, he walked into the first home he lived in and saw Selene and his body was off the charts. He felt too many things.

  So now he was ‘watching’ hockey with Dan. He tried to resist the urge to pull out his phone and check his email, voicemail, something, anything but a bunch of grown men in an endless chase for a tiny object. Pointless, useless.

  He couldn’t stand in the kitchen and help Kim. Selene was in there and he feared he’d stare at her too hard. She wasn’t a girl anymore. He didn’t have a visual reminder of her innocence. She had grown in the four years. She stopped being a teenager and turned into a full-grown woman, likely complete with a gaggle of boys following her around. He was in his thirties, he couldn’t compete with a bunch of sycophants.

  Even if he deluded himself into taking her prolonged hug, the shy smiles, her sweet eyes as a sign of her desire, his code of properity said no. Dan would kill him. This was Selene. She was Kim’s daughter, Dan’s daughter. And he was a full decade older than her. That alone made it unacceptable. She was young, she was ready to take on the world. He was a workaholic and a recluse. She was pure and innocent; he was dark and broken.

  And he had a plan to bring her into his world. He planned to bring her closer. He needed her for this job.

  Her face popped in the living doorway as he looked around at the redecorating Kim had done since he was last here. Or maybe he felt her presence. He was drawn to her. He felt her tug him from across the room, wanting to pull him closer.

  He grumbled to himself. Her grin fell to a tentative smile. He flipped his frown into a smile. She hesitated at the doorway. This was her home. He was the intruder, the visitor. He waved his hand to call her in to the room.

  “What’s up?” he asked, as she toed her way into the room.

  “I’m going to pick Kent and Maggie.”

  “You want company?” He jumped to his feet.

  She beamed at him. His heart skipped a beat. That was his emotionally stunted personality. He didn’t usually act like a sixteen-year-old in front of an attractive woman. Only Selene, because she knew him better than anyone on the planet. “That’s what I came to see.”

  “Better than watching hockey.” He gestured at the television.

  “What kind of man are you?” Dan demanded with a teasing grin. His brother knew he was too busy for anything but work.

  “One who has expense reports and marketing plans over watching a bunch of men chase a rubber puck.”

  Selene rolled her eyes. “Since I don’t care either way, I’m going. See you.”

  Ben’s heart lurched. She couldn’t leave without him. This was the perfect chance to talk to her. She kept her eyes forward and he tried to be silent as he followed her. He put his hand on her arm and she gasped and jumped. She smacked him. “You scared the crap out of me.” He wanted to touch her, to feel her soft skin. Any excuse would do.

  “You said you were leaving, so I hurried to catch up.”

  “I thought you liked hockey.”

  “I used to, that was a long time ago.” He slipped into his jacket and shoes. She opened the door. “We can take my car.”

  “I have Dad’s keys and I know where I’m going. I drive Kent over there twice a week at least.”

  “Over where?”

  “His girlfriend’s house. He’s in love.” She made a face and spoke in a mocking tone.

  “What about you? Are we picking up your boyfriend?” Noise whooshed in his ears. Would she have a boyfriend? Why was he hoping she was single? Available? He couldn’t touch her. Never mind a romantic or sexual relationship with her. They never discussed relationships in the last two years of talking. For him it never came up because he didn’t date. He didn’t know why she never mentioned a boyfriend, but he never asked her either.

  “I don’t have one. I’ve been focused on my job.”

  He sighed in relief. She glanced at him as she pulled into the street. He was relieved, not for personal reasons, professional ones. A boyfriend he hadn’t accounted for, might keep her from moving across the country for him. That left him to deal with their unfinished business. He wanted to since they started email, but doing it in any manner other than face to face seemed wrong. “I need to apologize.”

  “For what?”

  “I shouldn’t have… you know, kissed you. And I acted like a giant asshole. I avoided you for two years. I was ashamed.” He tasted her innocence and he hungered for more for years. He meant to call her for months after that Christmas, but he didn’t know what to say. And over time, it seemed more ridiculous and for two years it was how things were until she broke the silence.

  And his business took off after that Christmas after several of struggling forward. And now he was successful beyond his wildest dreams, but he wanted to go further, he wanted to use his company to reach out to kids who experience trauma as he did.

  “Is that why you disappeared?”

  “Yes.” He dropped his head to avoid her gaze. He could admit what he did was wrong.

  “You never needed to apologize.” She veered off the road and put the car in park on the side of the street. She looked out the front for a moment. She turned to him, licking her lips. “I was involved. Too. With the kissing.”

  His stomach clenched and his hand twitched in urge to reach her. He was the older one, he was in the wrong. He wanted to explain to her why he was wrong.

  She unbuckled her seat belt. Gone was the hesitation and shyness from earlier. “I know I’m way younger than you and I’m naïve in so many ways. But you’ve always been a huge part of my life and when you went away, you took part of me with you. I missed you so much. So don’t worry about what happened between us before and the years between. Let’s be friends again. Please?”

  He stared at her. What was he supposed to say to that? She was still as sweet and as innocent as the first day he came into her life. He wanted to get to know her again, to be friends.

  His mouth took over for him. “Wouldn’t you say we are friends? We’ve talked every day for two years.”

  “That’s true.” She pressed her lips togeth
er. “What did you want to ask me?” Her fingers fluttered against the steering wheel while she waited. She leaned toward him, a small smile on her face.

  “My business is expanding, and I’ve been putting off this step for far too long. I need an assistant.”

  “Okay.”

  Too vague, Woodley. He tried again. “I want to offer you a job as my assistant.”

  She froze. “What?” Her face was blank as she stared at him.

  His stomach lurched. He looked out the front window searching for a way to back out without making either of them feel bad. “If you aren’t interested, no hard feelings. I thought—”

  Her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened. She slapped his shoulder a few times. “You’re serious? You want me to work for you?”

  His face broke into a grin. “Yes. I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. I know it’s not a glamorous job. I don’t know where it will lead. And it’s far away.”

  “But you’d be there.” Her eyes searched his face. “So many people would be jealous. People know you here. You’re a big deal.”

  “I’ve been business for a while.” He wasn’t famous. At least not where he was. Couple offices, couple of products.

  She broke out of her shock. She tugged her seat belt around her again. “I need to think consider the offer” She looked at him. “Can I think about it?”

  “Yes. Let me know if you have questions.”

  “I’d have to find a place to live.”

  “My condo has an unused bedroom.” Why would he say that? It was true, and he could save her more money by letting her live with him. He wouldn’t charge rent. And having his assistant living with him would allow him less late-night office hours, and more working at home. He could see benefits to the plan.

  But having her down an unmonitored hallway. Floating around his apartment in her jammies, or less. And dates, what if he wanted to bring a date home?

  Reality check, he hadn’t date in a year. He couldn’t even recall the name of the last woman he invited up for sex. What if she wanted to bring a date home?

  “... could live with you to start. I’d hate to impose. I’m sure your girlfriend would hate it.”

  He blinked at her, coming back to reality. She was talking about living with him.

  Girlfriend? His forehead furrowed. “What girlfriend?”

  “Mom said…”

  He shook his head. “No girlfriend. No imposition either. This way I could have you work late. We’ve been receiving more attention, I have major projects coming up. I need you.” He coughed, as he realized how that could be misconstrued. “As my assistant and social media.”

  They stared at each other for a few seconds. He gripped his pants to keep from touching her cheek. She jerked her gaze away and put the car in gear. She shoulder checked and pulled back on the road. “We should get Kent and Maggie. I’ll try not to vomit. They are nauseatingly cute.”

  That was not an answer. Was she horrified or intrigued? “So you’re considering it?”

  “I am. Mom won’t like it. She adores you, so that’s a point in your favor. She’s so proud of you. You’d think you were her own son the way she talks about you. I’d be disgusted or jealous if I didn’t think you were worthy.”

  He relaxed into his seat. He smoothed his pants with his pand as the desire to touch her faded. “I owe a lot to her. If she and Dan hadn’t taken me in, there’s no way I would have finished high school, let alone gone to college.”

  “Marrying Dad was the best thing Mom did. We’re lucky to have them.”

  “We are.” His gut clenched, recalling his demons. He wrestled with them sometimes, still. Maybe living with Selene would chase some of them away again. It worked twenty years ago.

  She was the best person he’d ever met. She taught him how to love again.

  Chapter 3

  Selene looked around the table from her spot beside Ben. Maggie and Kent were across from them. Her mom was at the head of the table, closest to the kitchen in case she needed to grab anything. And her dad was at the far end. Everyone was together. And not even someone acting as if her brother was God’s gift to Earth could make her feel bad.

  She felt Ben’s eyes on her as they filled their plates. Actually, she saw them because she kept looking at him. His eyes on her made her stomach flutter with joy. His fingers brushed against hers as he passed her the potatoes. And the carrots. And stuffing. Was that on purpose? She would give her crush away if she continued. Or his secret proposal. Should she, could he tell everyone his proposition? Would he bring it up?

  “This is great, Kim,” he said. “It’s nice to have a homemade meal. I missed your cooking.”

  “Thank-you.”

  He cleared his throat and looked around the table. She sucked in some air, knowing what was coming. He surprised her by bringing it up before she let him know her decision. Or before they even discussed it further. She had questions. She would get to them tomorrow.

  “I offered Selene a job at my company.”

  “You did?” Mom gasped.

  “Doing what?” Dad asked.

  “My assistant and social media manager.”

  “You’re gonna pay her to sit on social media all day?” Kent scoffed.

  She made a face at him. “It’s a little more than that.” He had social media accounts on all the major places, but they weren’t used at all. And she didn’t know why he hadn’t hired a person for that position already. Asking her to take that role was big, huge, major in her life. This was his public face, the space where customers were closest and more personal to his company.

  “It is more than that,” Ben said, coming to her defense.

  “Okay, no more. Eat and enjoy the food. Business talk for later,” Mom said.

  Selene smiled at Ben gratefully. His eyes sparkled as he smiled back. Her cheeks heated and she had to grab her fork to keep from pressing her hands against them. She dragged her gaze away and dug into her food. The fluttering in her belly wasn’t compatible with eating. This was Ben. He wasn’t supposed to give her butterflies.

  They were finishing their food when her mom brought it back up again. “So, Ben, you want to take Selene away from us too?”

  “He can take her. I’ll help pay,” Kent offered.

  His girlfriend hissed his name. “Be nice.”

  “Sorry.” Kent looked at the table.

  Selene ignored her brother, but she needed to defend Ben. He wasn’t stealing her away. It was time she went into the world. Even if she moved out of their house and into his. “I haven’t accepted anything yet.”

  Lie, total shameless lie. She wouldn’t turn him down. The job alone was an amazing opportunity. But coming from Ben, working with Ben, living with him sealed the deal. She wanted to wait until they were alone, maybe later tonight or tomorrow sometime, to tell him.

  “I need her more than you do. She knows social media. She’s still young enough she can keep up with me. She knows me, so she’ll stand up to me and give me her ideas. You know the top reason?”

  Selene smiled and her cheeks turned pink from the praise. She wished she could slide under the table from the embarrassment. Her brother and his girlfriend were too busy smiling at each other, so there was no flak coming there. But her parents were sitting right there while he heaped praise on her.

  “What’s the top reason?” Mom asked.

  His eyes moved from her to Selene, “She is smarter than me.”

  “I’m not!” Selene couldn’t stop herself from blurting the denial.

  “She’s really not,” Kent said.

  He was lucky he was across the table where she couldn’t kick the little brat.

  “You want me to move out so you can steal my room.”

  “You’re out of college now, you should be moved out now.” He started to cross her arms over his chest, but he was still holding Maggie’s hand, and he wouldn’t let go.

  “I guess you can have it now, brat.” Selene stuck her tongue out at him
.

  “Who’s the brat here?” he asked.

  Selene’s dad smiled down the table at his wife. “Maybe we’ll have some peace.”

  Selene drank from her wineglass. This was supposed to be a happy moment for her, and everyone was ruining it with teasing.

  Ben rubbed her shoulder. She longed to lean into him. She’d die if he wrapped his arms around her. She craved his touch, his words, his approval. But she didn’t want him to consider her his niece, little Selene who cried about monsters in the dark. She wanted to appeal to the part of him that kissed her.

  She would ruin everything by sniping at Kent. No matter what a brat he was, she was older, she should have self-control. What would Ben think of her now? Her lungs strained for breath in the hot room.

  She pushed back from the table and grabbed her plate. “I’ll clear the table.”

  “That’s the first time she’s ever done that,” her mom remarked as Selene slid off to the kitchen. At least it was an old house where the kitchen and dining room were closed off from each other. She could gather her composure away from everyone else.

  She returned and took the plates stacked in the middle of the table. She avoided everyone’s eyes, while she did the chore. In the kitchen she took her time scraping the plates.

  “I meant what I said,” a soft voice said from behind her. Her heart pounded in her chest. She stayed still, if she turned around, her heart might leap out of her chest.

  When his hand touched her shoulder, she put hers over it. “Thank-you. It was... embarrassing, and Kent was his usual self. And I rose to the bait.”

  “He still idolized you when I left. He’s grown out of that now. I should be glad that you still admire me.”

  She pulled her hand away and picked up the next plate. She couldn’t deny she idolized him, but she didn’t know he knew. It was embarrassing. Of course, she stuck her tongue out at her brother in front of him. The sinking feeling deepened when she looked at him. If she wanted him to look at her differently, she needed to act like a grown woman.

  He put his hand on her shoulder and turned her so she faced him. He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. It was far too intimate for Christmas dinner between relatives if anyone saw them she’d die. They would know how she felt. How she couldn’t, shouldn’t feel about Ben. Especially since they planned to live together in a few short weeks.