It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  Living arrangements were the best and worst thing about the plan. She didn’t care how bad it was, how taboo, ill advised. She couldn’t wait to be alone with him. She’d be with him all day, every day. She couldn’t wait. She wanted to get to know him. She wanted to see what he’d been doing all these years?

  Her eyes fluttered close as his fingers stroked her cheek, then down to her check.

  He coughed and took a step back. The moment fell to the floor with a thud, landing between them, taunting them. “I wanted you to come for all the reasons I said. And because I miss you.”

  “I miss you too.” She rubbed his shoulder, needing to reassure him his touch didn’t make things weird. “I should finish the dishes.”

  “I’ll help,” he said. “I said I was coming to help.”

  She ached for his arms around her and their bodies melted together.

  “And my offer?” he asked.

  She wished he would go away and let her think about his offer. Then again, they had so much time to make up for. Who was she kidding? She was taking the job. She would go live with Ben, an outrageous idea, and work for him and be his friend.

  His eyes stared into her soul and he made her heart vibrate. A little excitement, and a little anxiety. Would she able to live up to his expectations? She wanted to please him, to make him happy. She had since her mom told her he was coming to live with them. A big brother! Someone to play with her! She begged her mom to make cookies for him, planning the epic tea party they would have.

  She had no comprehension of the age difference at the time. But it was rare he refused a request from her. And she wouldn’t change their status quo now.

  “Yes.”

  His face moved from impassive to joyous. Her heart leapt at causing his happiness. If he told him earlier or later, she might have gotten a kiss. He stood within arm’s reach and grinned, looking twenty years younger. She loved him as much now as the first day they met.

  “Good. I’m glad.”

  Her hand shot out toward him. “I’m glad you came home.”

  He took her hand and his eyes darkened. His fingers were slightly calloused, but warm and comforting. “Me too, kitten.”

  She hoped this would work out. She hoped she could make him proud.

  Ben realized he had no compulsion to check his email since arriving home. He gained a compulsion to touch Selene, which he needed to stop doing. But she looked at him with her sweet, sappy eyes and he melted every fucking time.

  She left to drive Maggie home and when she came back; he was chatting in the living room with Kim and Dan.

  She bounced into the room and took the spot next to him. She crossed her legs and gave him wide smile. “Where’s Kent?”

  “He went to his room to video chat with Maggie. I didn’t make any disgusted noises about them kissing so you can be proud of me for that.”

  “Man, if you move out, we’ll be stuck driving them,” Dan said. “You can’t have our chauffeur, Ben.”

  “How soon can I move?” Selene’s head swiveled to look at him with a grin.

  “You said you hadn’t decided,” Kim said.

  “You think I’d say no?” Selene raised her eyebrows.

  Ben concentrated on not showing emotion. “She told me yes when we were cleaning up after supper.” He wanted to be smug. He felt triumphant. Selene was his. He won.

  “It’s a great opportunity. And I won’t be alone across the country.”

  “I know, you’ll be working with Ben.” Kim looked between them.

  “He offered to let me stay in his spare room until I can find an apartment.” And probably a room mate.

  Ben’s heart rate increased. What would they say? Had Selene told her mother about the kiss? Unlikely. But Kim and Selene were best friends.

  Dan wrapped his arm around his wife. “See, she won’t be alone in the big city. Ben will take care of your little girl.”

  Excitement ripped through Ben. He would. He would do anything to see Selene smile.

  “All right. It seems you’re an adult who can make her own decisions.”

  Selene stifled a yawn. “Too much excitement today. I’m going upstairs.”

  Ben’s room was down the hallway. Kim and Dan were at the end of that hallway, so they supervised their interactions for now.

  Everyone said goodnight to her. Once she was gone, Kim grilled him about the job until Dan cut her off. “This is Ben. He won’t hurt Selene. He’ll take care of her. And Selene is an adult. She wouldn’t live with us forever.”

  “I know.”

  Ben stood. “I swear Kim, I’ll take care of her.”

  Kim stood and opened her arms. He felt fifteen again. She hugged him the moment he came into the house, giving him unconditional support, something he’d never had. He stepped into her arms and hugged her back. “I know Ben. It’s a mom thing.”

  “Night you two.” He stepped away from her and toward the exit. He went upstairs, intent on sleep. A little reprieve from the angst and desire that filled him every time Selene was in the same room.

  Kim rested her chin on her hand and looked at her husband after Ben followed Selene upstairs like a lost little puppy.

  “How long before they are sleeping together?”

  “How long what? Kent and Maggie? He’s barely sixteen.”

  “Not them, though I should have another safe-sex talk with him.”

  “That should embarrass the crap out of him.”

  “Better he is embarrassed now, then come and tell us Maggie’s knocked up in a few months.” Kim took a drink from her wineglass.

  “That is true. Who do you mean then?”

  “Ben and Selene. Can’t you see how they love each other?”

  Selene abruptly stopped dating after her first heartbreak the summer after high school. She fell into a depression until that Christmas when Ben visited. The last time he came home.

  Kim saw the pieces coming together. She saw the years go by and the dynamic between Ben and Selene change.

  It wasn’t what she would choose for her daughter. The age difference made her uneasy. But it wasn’t her life. There were worse men Selene could choose. The age difference was minor compared to abuse. Kim knew better than anyone else. Her first husband, Selene’s father, had been less than loving.

  Lucky for her when she left, he absolved himself of all ties to Selene. A few years later, she met Dan, who turned out to be a wonderful father to Selene. They raised Ben together as well although he was a teenager when they moved him in. Kent was their best surprise. They hadn’t yet decided if they wanted more children, but the decision was made for them.

  When Kim held her son for the first time, she felt as if everything was complete. Her family was perfect. She couldn’t ask for anything more in life.

  “That’s not… that’s ridiculous,” Dan said.

  It was ridiculous, but it was also happening. Selene idolized Ben when she was a little girl. And Ben was the perfect big brother figure to her. He had been so desperate for love when he came to live with them. And he found unconditional love from Selene. But it changed as they grew older.

  Kim could only hope he loved Selene as much as she did.

  “I hope they figure it out before someone gets hurt. I had trouble hiding my shock then they announced their plan to live together.” She twisted her face into a worried look.

  “He wants someone he trusts to be his assistant.”

  “Watch the way they watch each other when they think no one is looking. Or the glances they share. I bet that’s why he hasn’t been home in the last four years.”

  “He’s so… she’s so—” Dan sighed. “I hope you aren’t right.”

  “When am I ever wrong?”

  He took her hand and kissed it. “Never. Well, rarely. You were wrong last week.”

  “I was not.”

  He kissed her hand again. “You were, but you wouldn’t admit it. And you couldn’t convince me, so you seduced me instead. I noticed.” He drai
ned his wine glass. “They’ll figure it out. You cannot get involved.”

  “I can’t, because they are going across the country. It’s physically impossible.”

  Dan took her hand and pulled her to her feet. “That is true.”

  “It’s a wonderful opportunity for her and she wants to be with him. Not a day has gone by when she hasn’t mentioned him, or his company. She scours the news for any mention of him.”

  “Since they are both adults, we’ll leave them to figure out it. She could chose far worse men.”

  “They are adults and they don’t even realize how they feel yet. To be young again.” She caressed her husband’s back.

  “If it means all the angst and drama, no thank-you. I’ll take what you and me have any day of the week.”

  He pulled her against him and kissed her. She swallowed her laughter and kissed him back. “Come on, love. Let’s do it like the young people do.”

  “Loud enough it echos down the hall?”

  “I know you can keep quiet, so get your ass upstairs.”

  Kim let him pull her upstairs. When they went past Selene’s room, she heard voices. Ben was in there. She smiled and shook her head.

  “Should I check on them?” Dan asked.

  “Adults. And do you want to walk in on anything?”

  He shook his head and pulled her faster down the hall.

  Chapter 4

  Ben planned to sleep, but there was light from under Selene’s door. He knocked on the door.

  She opened the door then froze with surprise. “I thought you were Mom.”

  “Sorry, I was going to bed, but I thought we should talk more about the job. Thought you’d have questions.”

  “I do. We should go downstairs or something. My room is a disaster, and I don’t want you to worry about living with a slob.”

  He glanced down and noticed she wasn’t wearing pants. Oh fuck, she was in her underwear. They were red. He bet they hugged her ass. He raised his eyes and found her lips. Her bottom lip was all but hidden, her teeth pressed into the remaining pink flesh. He wanted to press into her pink flesh.

  He was suddenly interested in seeing her room. Sign him up for a place in hell. “I don’t mind a mess. My condo is only clean because I have someone who comes in and cleans for me.”

  “Give me one second.” The door closed, and he heard shuffling noises behind the door. He shouldn’t be here. He should go to his room and go to sleep. He turned to leave when the door opened.

  “Come in.”

  He stepped into the room. Door open or closed? He looked at her, she was wearing sweats now. That was a relief. He left the door open.

  She kicked a pile of clothes closer to the closet. “Sorry.”

  “I said I don’t mind the mess. And I know you weren’t the tidy type last time we lived together.”

  “Right. Chair is over here.” She grabbed a pile of clothes from it and dumped them on the other pile. “There you go.”

  He stopped in front of the chair. She missed a pink, lace bra in her clean up efforts. She followed his eyes and leaned past him to grab it. “God, it’s just clothes right?”

  Yeah sure. It disappeared from sight, but not his imagination. At least he had confirmation she didn’t know how he felt. But now he was picturing her breasts encased in pink lace, and him pulling it away from her.

  He rubbed his hands over his face and sat on the chair as the door clicked shut. Now they were alone, his chest constricted. She sat on her bed adjacent to him with her legs crossed under her.

  “We can talk tomorrow. That might be better.” He put his hands on the arms of the chair ready to push himself to standing.

  “This is perfect. I wanted to talk to you.”

  “I know I left a lot unsaid, and I’d never fall sleep without talking to you. Any second thoughts now that your mom knows?”

  “I guess I have questions? What’s my job responsibility? What do you expect? What hours? Salary?” The last one squeaked out.

  “I need someone to come with me to meetings and take notes. Listen in on phone calls. And social media. I’m late to the game on this one.”

  “You are. I can catch you up.”

  “I know you have experience.”

  “You know that?”

  “Besides helping you with countless hours of homework the last couple years, I found your resume online.” Ah great, nothing like admitting to stalking. He licked his lips. How would he recover from that?

  “Oh, right.” She looked at her hands.

  “Hours of work, since you’ll live with me I can make you work all the time.”

  Her eyes widened and his stomach crashed. Great, he was a fucking conversational genius. Was he always this bad? Maybe this was why his dating life sucked.

  “You’re serious about me living with you?”

  “I wouldn’t have offered otherwise.”

  “I thought you might reconsider now that you had time to think.”

  He spent much of the afternoon worrying she might not accept his offer. Or worrying she would. He was sure it was a bad idea to live together. Nothing would change his mind. “Do you want an apartment to yourself? I can find something for you.” Living together was convenient for them both. They could work late, she’d live rent free. Win-win. And he wouldn’t spend his free time alone.

  “I want to stay with you. If you’re good with it.” She clasped and unclasped her hands while talking.

  He tugged his shirt collar. The heat in the room increased a few degrees in a blink. He needed to finish this and get out. What else? “So salary. I did some research into the position.” He flipped off a number he thought was appropriate. It was more than he’d pay someone else starting, but he was the boss so he could do what he wanted. “That’s salary. It won’t be a forty-hour workweek all the time.”

  Her jaw dropped. “Really? That’s… okay. Really?”

  “Too little?”

  She smirked at him. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

  He smiled through the dim light from her side table lamp. “I love your honesty with me.” She hadn’t changed from when she was a kid.

  “I’ll try to remain honest.”

  “Anything else?”

  She sighed. “It’s a lot. Quitting my job, leaving home, moving across the country.”

  The pout on her lips tugged at her heartstrings. He sat beside her and put his arms around her. Alarm bells went off in his head. Fuck them, this was Selene. He pulled her closer, and she leaned against him. His fingers stroked her bare arm. “If you hate it, you can come back. It’s more hours and I’m a demanding boss.” He kissed the top of her head. He could just tip her face up and kiss her lips. I was time to make his escape if he stayed any longer he’d screw everything up again.

  “I’m most afraid of disappointing you.” Her voice was small and reminded him of when she was little and afraid of the dark. He could come into her room and check for monsters then hold her hand until she fell asleep. He never could deny her anything she wanted. Few of her requests went unfulfilled.

  “Did you take the job because you fear it would disappoint me if you said no?”

  “I want the job. I’m excited to work for you. But what if I’m terrible at it? I have experience but not like you are asking me.”

  “I’ve checked your work, kitten. I’ve done all my homework. And I won’t leave you alone to flounder with the job. Besides this being a learning curve for you, I’m a control freak. I need to be involved in every aspect of my business.”

  “But… what…” She couldn’t put her fears into words. He understood her fears. He didn’t know what he was doing when he started. He lived in fear for months.

  He tightened his hold on her. “You aren’t going to fail. I won’t let you fail. You might mistakes, but everyone does. When you are moved, I’ll tell you some of mine. I need to let you go to sleep.” His chest ached from having her so close. Maybe it was from admitting he made mistakes.

/>   He swallowed, he was too close to her. She smelled too good. He could almost taste her. If either of them shifted a few inches, he could brush his lips over hers. Would she open to him? Would she let him taste her exquisite mouth?.

  She burrowed closer, not quite pressed against the crock of his neck. She was close enough he could feel the warmth of her breath against his skin. Her scent curled around him. “You don’t make mistakes.”

  If only that were true. “My biggest mistake was not talking to you for two years. I’ve made many in business. Lots with my person life. I wish I was perfect, but I’m not.” He wished he could be the larger-than-life hero she saw him as, but he was a mortal.

  As it was, he was having some very non-uncle thoughts about her. Time to sound the retreat before he made another mistake. Or was leaving without touching her the mistake? He had no idea anymore.

  “Even making mistakes, you’re still perfect.” She reached over to his hand in his lap and traced the contours of his hand. His heart thudded in his throat. His hand wasn’t far from his crotch and that part of him reacted to the contact she made.

  “Any other questions I can answer?” His pants tightened around him by the second. He swallowed his heart, hoping it stayed where it belonged for the rest of time.

  She covered her yawn. “I guess it’s time to sleep.”

  He pressed his nose against her head, trying not to seem as if he was breathing her in. He turned his hand over and caught hers, making her soft caress stop. After this he would keep her at arm’s length. She could come and work for him, live in his apartment for a few months, then she’d find her own place and a relationship.

  He kissed her hair again. “Sweet dreams Selene.” He wanted to keep holding her. He wanted to kiss her again. He wanted more than kisses from her. He wanted all of her.

  He moved away from her as if he’d been burned. In a flash he was beside the door. “Good night, Selene. I’ll see you in the morning.” He’d have to settle for her mind during business hours.