It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  “That’s good. I’ll let him know. You can text him and discuss it after you’ve seen it.”

  “Exactly. Thanks Mom. I love you. Elbow Kent in the gut for me or something else sisterly.”

  “You know most grown siblings get along.”

  “And when he grows up, I’m sure we will. Until then a good elbow to the side keeps him in line.”

  She hung up and wandered back to the living room. Ben was on his computer at his desk. Since yesterday’s episode on the sofa, he’d been very careful to keep his distance. She sighed and pulled her laptop onto her lap. She sent Heidi a text while she waited for it to boot. On the sofa beside her were her notes from the last meeting of the day she wanted to type for the morning.

  Selene: I wish I was at the gym.

  Heidi: Steve is home, so I’m not there either.

  Selene: What are you doing then?

  Heidi: We’re eating late, because he just got in. But we have a bottle of wine I’ve been dying to open. You and Ben should come down and have a glass.

  Selene: I have a little work to do then I’ll come down for sure. I’ll see if he’ll come with me. He’s been hard at work today.

  Heidi: Cool. Text me.

  Ben shifted in his chair every time her phone beeped. She turned the sound off, but it still buzzed on the table.

  She turned around to him. “First you should use the lap part of that thing. And second, is my phone bothering you?”

  “No!” She cringed at his explosive voice and he noticed. He softened his voice, “No. It’s fine. Do you need anything?”

  He spent the entire day at the office catering to her. But not touching her.

  “It’s feeling better. I’m okay.”

  “I feel bad you can’t go to the gym.” He scooted his chair over and leaned against the back of the sofa over her shoulder. “Who are you texting?”

  “Heidi.”

  “Heidi?”

  “From the gym.” The man had a one-track mind. He could quote you his business numbers in real time, but everything else seemed to fly on by him.

  “She has a new wine she wants to try. I told her it was counterintuitive to working out if she drank wine. She doesn’t care. Her boyfriend came home with this wine and she invited us over to try it.”

  “Us? Does she know my name?”

  She does, but only because I talk about you non-stop, Selene thought. “Of course she does. Her boyfriend is home early tonight. He’s a lawyer on a hot case.”

  He skimmed his knuckles over her neck and down her bare shoulder. She suppressed her shiver. She let out the breath she’d been holding all day waiting for his touch.

  “I have a half page more of notes to type. You don’t have to come if you don’t feel comfortable. I told her we were family friends, and I’m working for you. So she doesn’t think we are together in any sort of way.”

  “Family friends?”

  “It seemed reasonable after we walked through the gym holding hands together. And she asked who you were, so I had to make up something.” The truth was far more complicated. Related by marriage, family by choice and luck. And they were more than friends, but less than lovers. She wasn’t ready to share all those details. She didn’t understand them yet or how she felt.

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  “I’m almost done. I need to finish the notes for Lynn for tomorrow.”

  “She could type them for you.”

  “I have a weird shorthand I made up in college. No one can read it but me.”

  He patted her head. “Let me know when you are ready.”

  She replied to Heidi’s text that they’d be down in a half hour and finished typing her notes as quickly as possible. She hobbled to the bathroom and freshened her makeup.

  “I’m ready,” she said.

  He turned in his chair and looked at her.

  She looked down at herself. “Do I have a stain on my shirt?”

  “You look great.” He kept his gaze on her for three more heartbeats. Then he sighed and stood.

  What the fuck was that sigh? If he didn’t want to go, he could tell her.

  “I’m ready if you are.” He held his hand out to her. Another something he hadn’t done all day. She missed his warmth something terrible, even though she knew she shouldn’t.

  That was a bad habit. She met him and slipped her hand into his. It started after that first night they visited the gym. The next morning he took her hand while she waited by the door. Never at the office, but always to and from the garage at his condo.

  She hated that she couldn’t ask him. Or that she was too powerless to resist his touch. She limped along beside him. His grip on her tightened. “It’s not that bad, Ben.”

  “I still feel bad.”

  The elevator opened, and they got in. Down two floors and three doors, she knocked on Heidi and Steve’s door. Heidi grinned at them when she opened the door. Ben dropped her hand.

  Selene’s heart dropped, while she smiled at Heidi.

  “Hello.” Heidi pulled Selene into a hug. “So glad you came.”

  “Thank-you for inviting us.”

  Inside the apartment they met Steve, Heidi’s boyfriend and accepted their glasses of wine. They sat on the sofa and Selene kept her back straight. She felt as if she could attend a grown-up party for the first time. She had to get this right. This was her first post college, adult friend.

  “What did we pull you away from?” Heidi asked.

  “We were working,” Selene said, swirling her wine a little.

  Heidi pouted. “That’s boring. Is that all you do?”

  “I’ve only been here a week.”

  “It’s my fault. I’m a workaholic. And since Selene is my assistant, she ends up working as well.” Ben said from behind his wineglass.

  “I’m glad you came down to the gym,” Heidi said.

  “What is it you do?” Steve asked.

  Selene smiled, there was little Ben liked more than talking about his company. And she loved hearing his voice when he did, so full of pride and joy.

  An hour later, they were loose and warm. “We should probably go,” Selene said. “Let you enjoy the rest of your evening.”

  Heidi leaned over and touched Selene’s hand. “Since both our guys are workaholics, you and I will have to go out sometime.”

  Selene glanced at Ben. He nodded. She had no idea why she was deferring to him. She didn’t need his permission.

  “I’d like that,” Selene said.

  “Me too,” Ben said. “I don’t have much of a social life. I worry I’m stifling her with my boring life.”

  “I’ve only been here a week,” Selene said, throwing her hands up. “I’m not working in the evening under duress. I want to learn your business.”

  Ben patted her knee. “Okay. Still, go out with Heidi.”

  “Yes, we’ll go out and get know each other. And I’ll introduce you to some friends some time as well, if you’d like.”

  “I would like that. Thank-you.”

  Steve smile. “I’m glad she’ll have a friend in the building. This case I’m on, it doesn’t leave me with many free evenings.”

  “He’s going to be the youngest partner in the firm’s history,” Heidi said, patting her boyfriend’s knee.

  Selene felt a pang of jealousy spear through her abdomen. It was too soon, they only had been together eight days, but after a lifetime of loving Ben, it was hard to wait. Especially the way he kept touching her. And the kiss.

  James and Heidi kissed. Selene smiled at Ben, who looked uneasy. “Thank-you again for inviting us out. I forgot what being social was like.”

  Once the apartment door closed, he took her hand again. She leaned on his shoulder. “Thank-you for coming out with me.”

  “Thank-you for inviting me with you. I want you to have a life here. Just because I forgot how to be social shouldn’t stop you.”

  “I won’t let you shut yourself up in your apartment all the time, anymore. I�
�m dragging you out sometimes.”

  He squeezed her hand. “Okay. I’ll try not to protest too much. You’ll tell me if I’m making you work too much, right?”

  She nodded. “I will.”

  How could she not love him? How could she keep her distance?

  Once they were back home, she put on her recorded episode of Survivor and he joined her, asking questions about the contestants and the show premise in general. Television and movies were a new world to him. He hadn’t seen anything in the last five years.

  After that, they said good night and separated to their bedrooms.

  Chapter 11

  It was dark when she woke. She heard something. Was someone in the apartment? She grabbed her cell phone and checked the time. Three in the morning. She listened, and she heard a whimper. “Don’t! Don’t touch me.”

  Was that Ben? She crept to the door. More whimpering echoed. Was he crying? What was going on? She went down the hall and looked in the main living area. Nothing. She turned and went down the hall. She unlocked her phone and readied herself to call emergency.

  There was a faint glow in his bedroom, and she realized he had a nightlight on. Her heart broke a little. “Stop, stop it.” He jerked in the bed. God, he was having a dream. Was he dreaming of his abuse?

  She took a deep breath and stepped into his room. He whimpered again and rolled around. She went to his bed and touched his shoulder. She shook a little. “Ben,” she hissed. “Wake up.”

  The whimpers stopped, but his breathing came out in panicked pants. She rubbed his arm. She pulled the blanket down and rubbed her hand over his bare back. “You’re safe,” she whispered. “It’s okay.” She sat on the edge of his bed, continent to rub his back for as long as it calmed him.

  His eyes fluttered. “Selene.”

  “Hey, you were having a bad dream.” She stood, but his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her down.

  “I’m sorry, I woke you.” His voice was hoarse.

  “If it spares you some pain from reliving that, even in your dreams, I’ll sacrifice my sleep.”

  He caught her hand and squeezed it. “Thank-you kitten.” He wiped the silver tears from his face with his other hand.

  They looked at each other in the soft light for a few heartbeats. “Can you go back to sleep?”

  He shook his head. “Honestly, no. I’ll grab my laptop and work for a couple hours. I might go back to sleep before work, might not.”

  “That’s not healthy, honey. Will talking help?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t tried since I quit therapy ten years ago. Flashbacks are rare the last few years. Maybe it was the wine.”

  “I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

  “It is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but that piece of shit who put his hands on me.”

  “Do you want to try talking?”

  He shook his head. “You need to go back to sleep.”

  “I won’t sleep knowing you aren’t sleeping. So talk, Benjamin. Or don’t. But I’m not leaving.”

  He moved over. “Fine, lay down here.” He indicated under the blanket, but she pushed his hand down and lay on top of it. She put her head on his pillow and found he was inches away.

  “It was only beatings, you know.”

  She didn’t know, thank god. Her mother saved her from that.

  “Well, that’s not true. There was emotional abuse. Financial. Mind games. He loved to fuck with me. He’d make it seem as if he was nice to me at supper time, then I’d go to my room to do my homework and he’d follow and start smacking me around for some transgression.”

  Her heart hit something hard, it felt like rock bottom, but she wasn’t sure. It sure as hell seemed as if she couldn’t sink any lower.

  He put his finger on her lip. “No pity okay. I can’t take it right now.” She saw the tears in his eyes. She was sure she had some as well.

  No pity. She took a breath and tipped up her chin.

  “Sometimes he’d drag me out of bed from a dead sleep and wail on me. His fists, sometimes a belt, or a stick. Like a nightstick, he said he got it from his buddy who was a cop. Said he was prepping me for my future life of crime.”

  She put her arms around him. She couldn’t help the tears that came out. “If I could kill him, I would.” She had never hated anyone before, not even her sperm donor.

  “Dan wanted to. When he drove to pick me up, I had to talk him down. He had his new wife.” She felt his tears against her cheek.

  “George threatened to sell me, my body, to his friends. So I made myself scarce.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Friends houses, sometimes outside. There was a homeless shelter I stayed at sometimes unless the worker asked too many questions. I wanted to protect my mom from any repercussions.”

  She hugged him as tight as she could while her heart shattered. There were no words to respond to his confession, so she held him while she cried for him.

  He pulled her close with his hand rubbing her back. “Sh. It’s okay. Dan and Kim got me out. I got to live with you. Sometimes I think, if you hadn’t been there, I might have felt sorry for myself, been depressed, maybe suicidal.”

  “What? No.”

  “Yeah. But you were always there, smiling at me, begging me to play. Giving me cookies and drinks and your stuffed animals if I wasn’t smiling. It amused me when you worried about the monsters under your bed. I survived real monsters. I knew they didn’t hide under the bed. Sometimes I feared I’d take my anger out on you, especially when I had a bad day. I feared I’d snap and scare or hurt you.”

  “You’d lock yourself in your room.”

  “And you’d stand outside the door, begging me to play with you. Eventually I’d come out and play for a few minutes. You’d be so fucking happy. And I would be as well. I realized I would never hurt you. But that took awhile.”

  “I’m sorry I was such a pain in the ass.” She laughed a little and eased her arms.

  “I’m glad you were. I couldn’t be depressed with you. You wouldn’ t allow me to wallow in self-pity. You saved me, Selene. Dan got me out, and you mended my heart. I am thankful every day that you were there.”

  “I’m glad too.” Until now, she did not understand how bad it was for him or how much was taken from him, ripped away in the most violent way possible, from the people who were supposed to care the most.

  “You were the first person to love me unconditionally. Maybe the only person.”

  She snapped into full-blown tears.

  “Oh, kitten. That wasn’t supposed to make you cry. That’s a happy thought.”

  “I know. These are happy tears. I still love you like that. Nothing you could do to make that change.”

  “Then you know why I can’t do more than cuddle with you.”

  “Shhh.” She pulled her face out of where she buried it in his shoulder. “Now is not the time for that kind of discussion.”

  She pressed her face into his shoulder again while she yawned.

  “You should go to bed,” He patted her back.

  “Will you be able to sleep?”

  “I’ll try. If not, like I said, I’ll work.”

  She knew now what he was running from. She smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead, nose, lips. “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep then go back to my room.”

  He looked as if he wanted to protest, but his eyes wouldn’t stay open and he had no energy to argue. He laid his head down. “Thank-you.”

  “Close your eyes.”

  He did and his breathing evened out. She closed hers as well and matched her breath to his.

  She fluttered her eyes open a few minutes later, and he seemed to be asleep. But his arm wrapped around her and she couldn’t disentangle herself. So she snuggled closer and let herself drift off, with her heart full of him.

  Ben’s alarm went off and he nearly squished the body next to him while he grabbed for his phone. Selene handed it to him. “Thank-you,” he said, the
n he sat straight up. Selene was in his bed. Her bare legs touched his. Blood rushed through his ears and he couldn’t hear her words.

  Last night seemed more like a dream. In a state of total vulnerability, he told her everything about the abuse, and his feelings for her.

  She rubbed her eyes beside him. “I slept here all night.” She sounded as astounded as he felt. A smile crept on her face.

  Not only did they share a bed, she climbed under the sheets at some point. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. At least the shock of waking next to her killed any morning wood, so she wouldn’t find an erection. He stared the ceiling very aware he wore only boxers. He should have insisted harder that she return to bed. Falling asleep next to her was far too powerful.

  “You didn’t. Thank-you for last night. I should be embarrassed by how much I told you.”

  “Don’t be. You did nothing wrong. Last night or twenty years ago.”

  “I’m not. At all. I’m grateful you saved me again.”

  “As I said I would sacrifice myself for you. Anything you need or want from me, ask and I’ll probably give it.”

  His heart lurched out of his chest. She did not know what he wanted from her.

  He somehow nodded and said, “Thank-you.”

  “I will start the coffee before I shower.”

  “I’ll shower while you start the coffee.”

  He moved closer to her and hugged her from the side. He kissed her lips quickly. “Thank-you for last night. I’m sorry I woke you like that.”

  “I’m not at all. That’s a lie, I wish you hadn’t experienced any abuse. But I’m glad I could be here for you.” She squeezed his hand and slipped out of bed and all but ran from his room. He watched her go, her nightgown hiked over her hip exposing her red lace panties.

  He was glad he didn’t know what she was wearing the night before. Otherwise, he might have forgotten his good intentions all together. He was having trouble recalling them now. He used his remaining self-control to slip into the shower and deal with his feelings under the hot stream.

  When he got to the kitchen, there was hot oatmeal on the stove and coffee in a mug with his cream and sugar. He shook his head as sipped it.