Frankie Fish and the Sonic Suitcase

by Peter Helliar

  ‘Please sir, we are big fans,’ Frankie pleaded. ‘We’ve travelled so far to see you!’

  ‘How far exactly?’ asked Freido, preening a little.

  ‘A whole week,’ Grandad chimed in, ‘just to see you.’

  The Amazing Freido was flattered. ‘OK fine, but be quick and don’t piddle on the tiles,’ he said grandly, ushering them inside. ‘I may be the world’s greatest magician, but some things cannot be erased.’ (Piddle definitely can be.)

  Grandad squirmed as he slunk off to the bathroom to have a pretend wee/poop and Frankie smirked to himself.

  Frankie 1. Grandad 1.

  But Frankie didn’t gloat for long. He had work to do. ‘Everyone says your live show is amazing,’ he lied hastily as the Amazing Freido started walking back to the Water Tank of Death. ‘I’ve seen all your clips on YouTube –’

  The Amazing Freido stopped. ‘YouTube? What is a YouTube?’

  Frankie panicked slightly. ‘Um … well … I just think you’re amazing?’

  ‘They don’t call me the Amazing Freido for no reason,’ replied Freido modestly, even though nobody had called him that – he’d chosen the name himself in a cafe in Glasgow.

  ‘Wow! I can’t wait to see the Water Tank of Death,’ said Frankie. ‘How many eels are in there?’

  ‘There are six,’ replied Freido proudly.

  ‘Awesome. And are they big?’ Frankie asked excitedly.

  ‘The biggest in the Loch. The largest one is the size of your arm, laddie. Bruno is his name. He’s particularly angry today so he may sit this show out, but don’t worry, his brothers have plenty of zip.’

  ‘And they are definitely electric eels, aren’t they?’ Frankie pressed. ‘Like your flyer says?’

  ‘Of course they are!’ the magician zapped back proudly. ‘It wouldn’t be much of a trick if they were just regular eels.’

  ‘Woooooooow,’ said Frankie again, laying it on extra thick. ‘You know, I want to become a magician one day, but I don’t have anyone amazing like you to learn from. Maybe you could do us the honour of allowing my grandad and me to watch your show from backstage?’

  Frankie felt his voice shudder a little, like when he’d asked his dad if he could go on holidays with Drew Bird.

  ‘Not a chance,’ the Amazing Freido said firmly. ‘The only people allowed back here are myself and Clarissa, my beautiful yet recently lacking-in-attention-to-detail assistant.’

  With perfect timing Frankie heard a voice as sweet as an angel: ‘Awwwww! You have a fan, Freido!’

  Frankie’s jaw dropped. Walking towards him was possibly the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her legs were those of an Olympic high jumper and her red hair flowed down her back like a waterless hairy waterfall. Her eyes were as blue as the water in the Water Tank of Death, but far less threatening. The sequins on her dress shone and shimmered like a meteor shower. Looking at this lady was like looking at something so good it made your eyes hurt. Like a bowl of ice-cream resting on a cloud of fairy floss.

  ‘Ah, Clarissa,’ said the Amazing Freido. ‘Decided to turn up, did you?’

  Despite the sarcasm, the Amazing Freido softened slightly in Clarissa’s presence. It quickly became clear that there were two men in love with Clarissa in the backstage room.

  Then Grandad returned from the bathroom. ‘Ahem,’ he said, as he laid eyes on Clarissa in her feathered headdress. Now there were three men in love with Clarissa.

  ‘Clarissa, please escort these two outside,’ instructed the Amazing Freido. ‘I can’t have any distractions backstage.’

  ‘But they are soooo cute,’ Clarissa gushed. ‘Go on, let them stay, you old fool.’

  The Amazing Freido fake-laughed through gritted teeth. ‘Come now, Clarissa. First you arrive late and now you won’t …’

  Suddenly, Clarissa’s warm smile – that only moments earlier had reminded Frankie of springtime – turned as cold as a polar bear’s refrigerator. Her eyes bored into Freido.

  ‘The reason I was late, Amazing Freido, is because I was ironing your handkerchiefs.’ This time it was her teeth that were gritted. ‘And unless ironing is a magic trick you want to learn, I suggest you let these two gentlemen stay here for the show.’

  The Amazing Freido paused, obviously weighing up the thought of ironing his own handkerchiefs, then let out the fakest laugh heard this side of 1952.

  ‘Hahahahaha … I guess I can make an exception just this once.’

  Frankie shot Grandad a grin. ‘Thanks, Amazing Freido! Just one more question.

  Are you definitely doing the Water Tank of Death trick with the eels tonight?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course,’ Clarissa interrupted. ‘That’s our big showstopper! In fact, it was my idea …’

  ‘OK, that’s enough,’ Freido jumped in, rudely cutting Clarissa off. ‘Now, if you two scoundrels are staying back here, stand in that corner over there and keep out of our way. Clarissa, keep an eye on them.’

  Clarissa sighed loudly, and rolled her eyes.

  Frankie and Grandad dutifully went and stood in the corner next to the curtain, as Clarissa checked her make-up and Freido preened his moustache. The Water Tank of Death stood between them, covered loosely with a long, slippery black cloth.

  ‘Are they there yet?’ Frankie asked worriedly.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You and Nanna Fish!’

  ‘Oh.’

  Grandad peeked through a tiny gap in the curtain, searching through the theatre for the two young lovebirds.

  ‘Anything?’ Frankie hissed.

  ‘No,’ said Grandad, hollowly.

  Frankie peeked through the gap too.

  Right there in the front row, where Alfie and Mavis were supposed to be sitting, were two empty seats. NOT a good sign.

  Frankie felt a knot in his tummy the size of a football. He knew his grandad and nanna had to sit down and watch the show if they were to become his grandad and nanna.

  The plan was suddenly looking shakier than a bowl of jelly in a jumping castle.

  One of the few things Frankie had learned from his Biology project was that electric eels actually do give off electricity. It’s how they got their name. If they gave off a foul stench they would’ve probably been called stinky eels. But one of the many things Frankie didn’t know about electric eels was exactly how much electricity they produced. He hoped more than he’d ever hoped for anything that it would be enough to recharge the Sonic Suitcase’s battery back up to seventeen per cent, so that they could get home before Frankie disappeared off the face of the earth.

  Suddenly, the lights in the George Theatre were switched off, and a drumroll sounded from behind the curtains. A single spotlight shone onto the middle of the red curtain, and the Amazing Freido’s extravaganza began.

  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen!’ the Amazing Freido bellowed into a microphone from backstage. ‘He has wowed them in New York City!’ (He hadn’t.) ‘He amazed them in Tokyo!’ (Never been there.) ‘And they just couldn’t get enough of him in Barcelona!’ (He had paella once.) ‘Now back in his hometown of Glasgow …’ (He had actually never left.) ‘It’sTHE AMAZING FREIDO!’

  Grand music rang out as the Amazing Freido put the microphone down and appeared through the red curtain with a flourish. He twirled his cape as he bowed to the enthusiastic applause. A moment later, he was joined by his beautiful assistant Clarissa.

  As soon as the show got started, so did Frankie and Grandad. They hustled over to the Water Tank of Death with the Sonic Suitcase and their bundle of copper wires.

  With sweaty hands, Frankie tugged on the slippery black cloth. It slithered off, revealing the enormous tank. Around the base was a kind of black skirt, and beneath that was a small ledge, just big enough for a Frankie-sized kid to lie on.

  Grandad laid the Sonic Suitcase on the ledge and began carefully, but quickly, connecting the copper wiring to the complex machinery inside.

  ‘Hurry!’ hissed Frankie. ‘Before someone sees us.’
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br />   The Amazing Freido may not have been world-famous, but he knew his magic and performed it well. With Clarissa expertly twirling and prancing around him, the Amazing Freido did the classics. A rabbit jumped from his hat, an extraordinarily long line of brightly coloured and impeccably ironed handkerchiefs slipped from his sleeve, doves fluttered out from beneath a white tablecloth. The crowd oohed and aahed and applauded, which the Amazing Freido lapped up like a thirsty horse.

  Meanwhile, on the side of the stage, the time-travellers were still racing to get their set-up sorted. Grandad fiddled with the wires as Frankie ran back and forth to the little hole in the curtain – but the two seats in the front row stayed empty. Where were Young Alfie Fish and Nurse Hopley? Had Frankie and Grandad’s interfering disrupted history forever? After Clancy Fairplay’s atrocious reaction to Frankie, had Nurse Hopley decided she didn’t EVER want to be around any racecar drivers? It was almost too painful to consider.

  Frankie ran to a backstage mirror that was surrounded by flowers (sent to the Amazing Freido by the Amazing Freido). He anxiously checked his face under the bright lights, and was horrified to see he now had peroxide-white hair and a six-centimetre scar down his left cheek.

  As the oohs and aahs continued from the audience, Frankie sunk to the floor. The fact that his face was still changing could only mean one thing: the plan was failing. Frankie suddenly felt swamped with despair. He wouldn’t ever get home. Not EVER. It was pointless to keep trying. He may as well just sit here and wait until he disappeared.

  As Frankie’s eyes began filling with tears, he reached into his pocket for a tissue, but all he found were some dried-out flowers.

  Frankie stared at them, a tingle going down his spine. They were the forgotten forget-me-nots that Nanna had given him so many years into the future. Frankie could almost see Nanna as if she was standing right there in front of him with her sweet warm smile, the smell of her blueberry pancakes filling his nostrils.

  Suddenly, his mum and dad were right there with him too, joined by his sister Saint Lou. Please don’t give up, Francis! he imagined Lou saying. You’re the only one who can fix this terrible situation.

  Imaginary Lou had a much less annoying voice than the real Saint Lou. And for the first time ever she sounded like she was depending on him. Like the entire Fish family was.

  Very Big Guitar Strum.

  Frankie jumped to his feet, his batteries recharged. Now he just needed to do the same to the Sonic Suitcase.

  Frankie slid across to Grandad like a baseball player sliding into home base.

  ‘This is going to work, Grandad,’ Frankie promised as Grandad finally took the other end of the copper wire and wrapped it around a small bolt.

  ‘It’d better,’ replied Grandad, not looking certain at all. ‘Now all we have to do is get this bolt into the tank, and then –’

  All of a sudden the lights flickered. The crowd gasped nervously as the sound of thunder filled the room.

  Backstage, Frankie and Grandad froze as they heard the light tip-tapping of footsteps approaching.

  Frankie yanked the wire out of Grandad’s hands and tossed it into the water, where the bolt sank slowly to the bottom of the tank. The wire glinted in the low light, but neither Grandad or Frankie were around to see it. Grandad dived to the side of the stage, and Frankie ducked under the Water Tank of Death just as Clarissa appeared.

  That was close, Frankie gasped to himself. He felt the wheels below him start to roll, and realised that Clarissa was pushing the tank onstage.

  ‘And now,’ the Amazing Freido announced, ‘I shall perform a trick that no-one in the history of the world has ever attempted, not even the great Houdini.’ (Not true – he did this most nights.) ‘My beautiful assistant Clarissa shall handcuff and blindfold me. She will then usher me into a tank full of water. But not just ANY tank! This is the WORLD-FAMOUS WATER TANK OF DEATH.’ (Nobody outside of Scotland had heard of it.) ‘And then, ladies and gentleman, Clarissa shall release not one, not two, not four, but FIVE electric eels inside the tank!’

  Beneath the tank’s skirt, Frankie squeezed his eyes shut and crossed his fingers. This HAD to work.

  The sound of thunder was booming throughout the theatre.

  ‘They say if a man receives more than five attacks from an electric eel he shall DIE!’ proclaimed the Amazing Freido. (This fact is not completely factual – but as you’ll know by now, both facts and magic tricks were just an illusion for Freido.)

  ‘Bring out the Water Tank of Death!’ shouted Freido, as Clarissa rolled it out right on cue. Under the flickering stage lights, the Water Tank of Death looked quite dramatic to unsuspecting eyes – even though it was just a regular tank with lightning bolts drawn on either side in gold paint with a black paint trim.

  Speaking of unsuspecting eyes, neither Clarissa nor Freido had noticed the copper wiring connected to the back of the Water Tank of Death, leading down to the Sonic Suitcase – and Frankie – beneath the tank. Cautiously, Frankie lifted up one edge of the tank’s skirt and looked out at the side of the stage. Grandad was standing there, his knuckles crammed into his mouth. Frankie knew what he was thinking.

  It’ll be a miracle if they don’t see it, and if they do – it’s game over.

  Frankie quickly dropped the cloth as the Amazing Freido climbed a small ladder into the deadly tank, which, despite its name, had so far been responsible for zero deaths. ‘It’s nice, once you’re in,’ Freido quipped, as Clarissa made a show of blindfolding and handcuffing him. It was clear that this was her favourite part of the show.

  ‘Now, Clarissa,’ Freido boomed, ‘fetch the Electric Eels!’

  Frankie reached over to the Sonic Suitcase. The battery life ticked down to one per cent. ‘Hurry, hurry …’ he whispered.

  Cue more flashing lights and sounds of thunder as Clarissa fetched a bucket of electric eels from the back of the stage. But as Clarissa walked back towards the Tank of Death, she noticed something that stopped her in her tracks: a suspicious, long copper wire leading from inside the water, all the way under the curtain at the tank’s base – out of which poked a twelve-year-old’s feet.

  ‘CLARISSA!!!’ screamed the Amazing Freido from the Water Tank of Death. ‘Are you deaf or just completely unprofessional?’ The slightly baffled audience looked at each other, trying to work out if Freido’s belligerence towards his assistant was real or just part of the show.

  Clarissa stood with the bucket of eels looking at Freido waist deep in room-temperature water. Then she looked at the pair of feet under the tank.

  Then Clarissa did the unexpected. Perhaps because she was tired of being referred to as the Amazing Freido’s ‘beautiful’ assistant, or maybe because she had a soft spot for pranks – Clarissa gave Grandad a small nod and a smile, and gently nudged Frankie on the feet. It was the kind of nudge that meant, ‘Don’t worry. I won’t dob.’ Then, without a word, she continued onto the ladder of the Water Tank of Death, where a soggy Freido was growing increasingly impatient, and emptied the eels into the tank. Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash.

  As the audience oohed and ahhed again, and the Amazing Freido began to struggle out of his binding, Frankie scrambled out from under the tank’s skirt and commando-crawled across the back of the stage to Grandad.

  ‘If we don’t get out of here, you should marry that woman,’ gasped Grandad to his grandson, who wasn’t about to disagree. ‘Just keep your fingers crossed. Remember, each charge only goes for two milliseconds and I estimate we need at least five charges to get our battery back up over seventeen per cent … which will hopefully be enough to get us back home.’

  The time-travellers watched anxiously as the five electric eels swam around in the Water Tank of Death. The blindfolded Amazing Freido wasn’t having much luck with his handcuffs, or perhaps that was all part of the show? Hard to tell.

  Frankie wasn’t quite sure where to look, but he stared intently at the copper wire, hoping to see some kind of electric charge move
along it into the Sonic Suitcase. Nothing.

  The crowd was really getting into the act now, cheering and gasping as the eels circled the flailing magician. If only they knew what else was happening on that stage – that there was a twelve-year-old boy and his grandad from the future hiding behind the curtain, trying to charge up their crazy homemade time machine to hurl them back to 2017.

  Or that if the blushing couple who were supposed to be sitting in the front row didn’t arrive soon and seal their love for each other, then an entire family of Fishes could become as extinct as dinosaurs or fax machines.

  But of course, the crowd knew none of this. They just knew that the Amazing Freido was thrashing about in a water tank of electric eels and, truth be told, they were on the eels’ side.

  ‘Bite him in the private parts!’ yelled one Glaswegian from the back, as the crowd became rowdy with excitement.

  ‘Ouch!’ Freido screamed, as an eel charged him.

  ‘Yeeeaaahhhhh!!!!’ screamed the crowd. And as they screamed, Frankie and Grandad let out their own shouts of delight – because just as Freido was being bitten by the first electric eel, a young Alfie Fish and his date, Mavis Hopley, walked arm-in-arm to their seats. They may have been running a little late, but for Frankie and Grandad, they were right on time.

  BZZZZT!

  ‘Yeeeaaahhhhh!!!!’ yelled Frankie at the top of his lungs.

  At exactly the same moment, a trail of electricity ran all the way from inside the Tank of Death, down the copper wiring and into the Sonic Suitcase.

  ‘It’s working!’ Grandad exclaimed, grabbing Frankie’s arm.

  ‘Four more. We need at least four more!’ Frankie whispered excitedly.

  Another electric charge. BZZZZT!

  ‘Aaargh!’ screamed Freido as the audience broke out into rapturous applause.

  ‘Three more!’ Grandad breathed, almost cutting off the blood supply in Frankie’s arm.

  BZZZZT!

  ‘Ouchy wah wah!!!’ wailed Freido.