Barricades

by Dem Had

  “Have you seen this guy?” I asked, showing Emir’s photo on my phone.

  “What? Are you interrogating me?”

  “No, love. A friend of mine is looking for him.” I sighed. “I’m just trying to help.”

  “You better mind your business and not meddle in others’ affairs,” he said.

  “James, James, James….” A man in his forties with a heavy British accent sat next to me. “Don’t be rude to handsome customers.” He grabbed my wrist and turned it so he could see the phone’s screen.

  James rolled his eyes, polishing a highball.

  The unknown man next to me double-checked the photo, his eyes widened, and a smirk appeared on his face.

  “Do you know him?”

  “Is that your boyfriend?” he asked, groping my thigh.

  “Not mine, a friend’s. Do you know him?” I gave him my best puppy eyes.

  “What’s in it for me?” His smile became slyer as he invaded my personal space.

  I took a breath. “What do you want in return?” I put my arm around his waist.

  “Hmmm… we’ll see,” he said, licking his upper lip. “Daniel.” He held out his hand. “I’m the owner of this place.”

  “Alex.” I held his hand, lightly shaking it. A moment of silent battle followed. “So, what do you know about the guy?”

  “Emir.” He sighed. “I haven’t seen him in three, maybe four years. A good kid, passionate with art, concerned with his family, but… unable to accept himself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He just couldn’t come to terms with his sexuality, so he left. He must be in Nicosia now. As a matter of fact, I am the one who helped him gather some pocket money to leave. I haven’t seen him since.” His face turned bitter. “I’m surprised he has a boyfriend, to be honest. I thought loneliness was his only ally. I guess people change.”

  I laughed. “He has changed. He is not in Nicosia anymore. He had been in Limassol with his boyfriend since December. They had some issues and I know for a fact that he returned here.”

  He gave me a faint, nostalgic smile. “Let me see that picture again.” He took my phone, staring for a while before giving it back to me. “Oh, boy, he’s gotten so hot,” he whispered. “What’s your friend’s name?”

  “Why?”

  He sighed. “Just tell me, kid.”

  “Orestis.”

  “Does Orestis love him?”

  “I’ve never seen him so obsessed with someone.”

  “Then why did they break up?”

  “Emir was attacked. I guess he was afraid.”

  “Oh god….” He shook his head. “That kid should have known better than running away from his problems.”

  I stayed for another drink. Daniel agreed to contact me in case he found out anything about Emir. He went on, flirting with me. I played along until the music got louder and people started filling the club. I took out my wallet to pay for my drinks, but James pushed my money away. I waved goodbye to Daniel, who was across the room, and left.

  The week passed by, and Orestis was falling more and more into the slump. The following Saturday afternoon, Nicolas’s flight was landing. I picked Orestis up from work and headed to the airport. Nicolas and I had been having a lot of issues lately, but after a couple of weeks apart, we had started to long for each other again.

  He gracefully walked toward me and hugged me in the middle of a crowded room, whispering in my ear, “I missed you.”

  On our way back, Orestis wasn’t feeling well, so I took him home and we went to a bar. After a couple of drinks, we headed to my room, which was detached from my mother’s house. I’d missed Nicolas, and his fine body trembling beneath me, his voice vibrating in my ears. My hunger was uncontrollable.

  “Alex, wait,” he whispered as I started undressing him by the door.

  “I’m not waiting.”

  He giggled. “A shower, at least.”

  “No way.” I pushed him to bend over the bed, with his ass facing me. I wet my thumb with saliva and shoved it in.

  “Easy, cowboy,” he moaned. “It has been a while.”

  “Fuck, Nick.” Like an animal, I wanted to thrust in him and pound hard and fast and— My phone started ringing in my back pocket. “Shit, I should have turned this off,” I hissed. I took it out and checked in case it was Orestis, but to my surprise, a multidigit number from abroad appeared.

  “Hello?” I answered. My thumb was still in Nicolas, moving.

  “Alex, sweetie,” a thin voice said. “This is Daniel.”

  Shit! Not now. “Oh, hey, Daniel. Can I call you back?”

  “He is here.” His voice lowered.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Totally. I still can’t believe I see him in front of me right now. He just came in with two other boys.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  “Oh, can’t wait to see you, sweet bean.”

  Sweet bean? I hung up and pulled up my pants. “Get dressed. I found Emir.”

  Orestis

  “ORESTIS!” ALEX’S voice jolted me. “Wake up.” He opened my wardrobe and threw a pair of jeans and a tank top on the bed. “Get dressed.”

  “What the fuck, dude?” I murmured, looking at the time. It was nearly midnight.

  “Get ready, we are leaving.” He pulled me up.

  He was supposed to be with Nicolas tonight. He looked in a hurry, yet he didn’t seem worried. I got dressed, washed my face, fixed my hair, and followed him down the stairs.

  “What happened?” I asked as soon as I put on my seat belt.

  “You’ll see,” Alex said, then started driving. He turned on the radio once we hit the highway, and I leaned back with my eyes closed. For the next forty-five minutes, Alex and Nicolas were singing along to the music. We arrived at Nicosia. I couldn’t believe we were at the barricade.

  “Why are we here?” I asked, and he turned back at me with a sly smirk. “Alex, no, I’m not going.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “I don’t have my ID.” I chuckled as bitter memories of the night I met Emir occupied my mind. He took out his wallet and showed me my ID card behind his own.

  “You do now,” he said. “I took it from your drawer.”

  I sighed, resting my head on the seat. After a while, we passed through.

  “What do you have in mind? I don’t know where he is,” I whined.

  “Listen to me. I’m not promising anything, but I think I know where he is tonight.”

  “What?” I looked outside the window, thinking. “Turn back.”

  “Huh?”

  “I don’t wanna go.”

  “Why?”

  “He is the one who left. He doesn’t want me to find him, Alex. He was beaten. He was a mess for weeks. In the end I don’t blame him for leaving. I will die if he rejects me again.”

  “You won’t die, idiot,” Alex scoffed.

  “Look, dude,” Nicolas started, “he had all the time to think about his decision, and he just announced his exit and left without giving you the chance to think or talk. Now you have your chance. If you guys are over, then go ahead and end it properly.”

  He is right. I had so much to say, but still, would he care? My brain was numb.

  I couldn’t bring myself to step out of the car. Alex opened my door. “Come on, princess,” he teased.

  My chest was about to burst. The humidity in the air sat in my lungs, and it was hard to breathe. We walked together into the club after paying the entrance fee. I stood on the raised floor of the bar, scanning the crowd. Nick hit my gut with his elbow, then pointed at the other side of the dance floor.

  Among the dancers, a shirtless Emir was dancing between two men, laughing while the one behind groped him everywhere and the other licked his chest. Jealousy and disgust boiled my blood, my veins throbbed, and my legs moved on their own. I walked through the crowd, pushing whoever appeared in my way. I fixated on him. As if he could feel me approaching, he turned my way. He
stilled, his smile faded until I was close enough to push him hard, throwing him out of the crowd. I pushed him again and again until he hit a wall.

  “Why?” I shouted, clenching my fist, and he squeezed his eyes, waiting for it. He didn’t fight back; he just grabbed my shirt as I threw a punch on the wall. I shook my hand in pain and noticed people looking our way. “Is my dick too small? Or is it that one dick isn’t enough? Huh?”

  He looked at me with glazed eyes, full of guilt and arrogance, getting on my nerves.

  “Is that why you left?” My voice wavered, and I felt my will shattering to pieces. Please say something, say something, say something. But he didn’t. He didn’t even look at me. The floor seemed to interest him more. I touched his neck with one hand and leaned close to his ear. “Tell me, my love, cheating on me continuously wasn’t enough?”

  Alex grabbed me from behind and pulled me away. Emir stared at me, horrified, probably shocked that I knew about his cheating. My eyes burned.

  “Yes, wanker, I know!” I shouted. I shook my arms, breaking free from Alex, and headed to the exit, rubbing my face. I walked fast toward the car.

  “You were enough.” His voice startled me. “In fact, it’s scary how much enough you are for me.”

  I turned back as he walked closer.

  “It’s scary how much I wanted to see your face.” He pushed me, forcing me to step back. “It’s killing me how I left, knowing very well that I’ll never feel the same about anyone else.”

  “It’s killing you?” I narrowed my eyes. “Fuck you! You knew where to find me. You decided to leave, and I ran after you like a puppy to its master, just to find you having the night of your life in there.”

  “We can’t be together, Orestis.” He sighed. “And you know it.”

  “No, I don’t know it,” I shouted again in his face. “I was willing to go anywhere with you, do anything for you, and….” I sighed, looking up, trying to keep my tears at bay. “All you had to do was ask. Instead, you decided to leave. I was serious when I said that I wanted this relationship to grow, while you said it in the heat of the moment. This is the difference between us.” I stared into his eyes for a moment. “You have no idea how bad it hurts.”

  “Say whatever you want, Orestis. Call me a coward, a bitch, a cheater, whatever”—he waved his finger at me—“but don’t tell me I don’t know ‘how bad it hurts.’”

  “What the fuck?” I screamed. “What’s your problem?” I grabbed his shoulders. “You are inventing problems instead of solutions.” I pushed him hard. “I wish I’d never met you.” I turned and walked toward the car.

  He grabbed my shoulder, turned me around, and pushed my chest like I did to him. “Say that again.”

  “You have a problem in the head. You”—I pressed a finger on him—“don’t get to be angry or hurt.”

  “Say it!” he shouted.

  “I wish I’d never met you,” I said, and he slapped me.

  I glared at him, then closed my eyes. “I regret ever coming here.”

  “Really?” He frowned. “Who is the wanker now?”

  I stood there, looking at him. For a moment I wanted to smash his face, but I took a deep breath to calm down. I couldn’t beat the idiocy out of him. What could I say to make him see?

  “Things are simple, Emir. I want us together. You don’t.”

  “I….”

  “I thought that what we had was stronger than this. I wanted it to be.” I sighed and diverted my eyes from his face. “I don’t even know why I expected anything from a person who cheated on me.”

  “How… how did you know?”

  “Does it matter?” I snorted. “Your scent… I could smell others on you, even after your long showers.” It made me sick to my stomach. All I wanted was for him to stop. I never had the intention to fight about it. I tried to understand him and give him whatever the fuck he missed. “What did I do wrong, Emir?” My gaze found his eyes.

  He shook his head. “Nothing,” he whispered.

  “Don’t give me shit. You always do whatever you want. I deserve a fucking explanation.”

  He reached out his hand, touching my face, and I pushed it down.

  “Don’t touch me now,” I hissed.

  “I’m sorry… for everything….”

  “I don’t need a fucking apology.” I took a step back and leaned on the car. “What do you want, Emir?” At that point, I was determined: all or nothing. I decided to leave the country and start fresh with my life. With or without him. He looked at me. His face softened and his eyes glistened on the brink of tears. Geez, my heart is aching. He is all I want. I pulled him close and cupped his head between my hands. “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know,” he whispered behind his sobs.

  “Look at me.” I shook his head. “Let’s leave together. We can go wherever we want and start anew.”

  “What are you saying? After all this….”

  “Emir!” I hissed. “Read my lips, I love you.”

  His tears streamed down his cheeks as he moved closer, casting his arms around me. “I love you too,” he sobbed.

  Tightening my hug around his shoulders, I ran my fingers through his hair and opened my eyes. Alex was watching from a distance. I smiled. He reciprocated, pressed the button of his key to unlock the car, and went back into the club.

  Emir

  ONLY THE thought of seeing Orestis so intimate with strangers like he saw me made me lose it.

  I always thought I was strong, the adult in the relationship, but hell, was I wrong? Orestis proved to be way more mature and determined than me. Having four supremacists kick my ass made me shit my pants. The whole left to protect him was me being a coward. I wouldn’t be able to protect him if I wasn’t with him. I was just saving my ass from further pain. My early concerns that loneliness was our only bond proved wrong since genuine feelings had developed right under my nose and I had been too scared to notice. This guy didn’t need me, he wanted me. Even after all I had done, he wanted to be with me.

  Awkwardness stilled in the air when we got into Alex’s car. I had missed him so much, and all I wanted was to kiss him until our lips dissolved, but I couldn’t bring myself to initiate it. Orestis sat next to me, silent, expressionless, staring into the distance.

  Ikrom called me, looking for me. It seemed he hadn’t seen what had happened. I explained that I was leaving again. As soon as I hung up, Orestis turned his face to me.

  “You’re coming, right?” he asked.

  “Are you sure you still want me?”

  “Yes,” he said in a cold tone.

  “Then yes.”

  “No more lies, no more cheating. Are we clear?”

  “Yeah….” I lowered my head.

  “Monday, first thing in the morning, we are both having blood tests. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Now kiss me.”

  I approached his face. My heart raced in anticipation of his lips finding mine, as if it was my first kiss. He stayed still, staring at my mouth, and when I was close enough, he bit me. I moaned, faking pain, but his touch sent shivers across my spine. He pushed me down and lowered himself on top of me, making every kiss slightly painful. His anger would take some time to subside.

  We stopped by my parents’ house to get my things.

  “Shit,” I whispered. “My dad is already awake.”

  “Take your time, dude,” Alex said.

  I nodded, smiled at Orestis, and stepped out of the car. My father was staring at me in wonder.

  “Dad, I need to talk to you,” I said, and he pointed at the chair next to him. “You probably know it already, but I’m gay.”

  He nodded. “I know.”

  “And my boyfriend is… Greek Cypriot,” I said with a trembling voice.

  He sipped from his coffee. “I figured.”

  “What?” My jaw dropped. “How? Does Mom know?”

  “No,” he scoffed. “Is that what you needed to tell me?”
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  “No. I… I’m… leaving again. This time for good. We’ll leave the country.”

  He stared at me, his face unreadable. “Where to?”

  “We don’t know yet.”

  He stroked his beard, lost in thought. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  I nodded. “Either we leave, or we separate. The latter didn’t work well, so….”

  He tilted his head to the side and puffed on his cigarette. He locked eyes with me and exhaled a cloud of smoke.

  “I understand,” he breathed.

  “You do?”

  “Son, if that’s what you want to do, then do it. If you have a dream, pursue it, fight for it. That’s the only way to live. Don’t compromise. It’s okay to fail, and if you do, this house will always be your sanctuary.” The words flowing from his mouth healed me, every guilt, every wound. I stood and so did he, opening his arms to embrace me.

  “Thank you, Dad.”

  I went in to pack, and when I came out, Orestis was out of the car, puffing on a cigarette. That was my first time seeing him smoke. With my backpack stuffed with clothes and a box with my tools, I hugged my father and he kissed my cheek.

  “Give us a phone call once in a while,” he said. “A letter will be fine too.”

  “Kiss Mom for me.”

  On our way to Limassol, I leaned on Orestis’s chest while he held me tight. Alex and Nicolas’s chatter was like white noise to my ears. When we got into the apartment, my heart found peace. The dried sweat and tears, as well as the humidity of the morning dew, didn’t stop us from sinking into each other’s arms. I kept my eyes open, never getting enough of him.

  Orestis

  TWELVE YEARS, two months, and nine days later, we returned to Cyprus.

  Soon after our reconciliation, I sold my car and bought plane tickets. Emir had to travel from the north and I from the south, so we met in Rome. The new life we chose wasn’t easy, but it was exciting and adventurous. We volunteered at organic farms around Finland, the Netherlands, and Italy until we found a job on a cruise ship that traveled for six months out of the year. We worked during the summer and went backpacking during the winter. Emir’s art became more famous every day, so much that his pieces were sold out in less than a day from the moment he put them for sale.