by J. M. Lamp
“Damn,” I say.
“What?”
“Cody has had quite the affect on you.”
He rolls his eyes and leans his elbows on the table. “No,” he says. “Honestly, I’ve just been thinking about things differently and trying to think more like an adult rather than a child like I have been.”
“I wouldn’t say child.”
“I haven’t been acting the way I should as far as interacting with certain people. Haven’t been treating myself right.”
“So, tell me more about him.”
“Well we met at the hospital and I didn’t even know he was gay until we got to talking and I said something about girls and he corrected me and laughed and then we made plans for dinner and yeah.”
“What’s his last name?”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” I say, laughing.
He pulls out his phone and brings up his profile on Facebook. He hands me the phone and says, “Creep away.”
“Jesus, he’s gorgeous.”
“I know. The fact that he is smart and has a real job makes it even better. But that’s not why I like him, honestly. He’s nice and comfortable.”
“He makes you feel good for reasons that you can’t explain or haven’t experienced before?”
“Yeah,” he says, laughing.
“That’s how Will is for me.”
“I’ve had a bad run of guys and this one just feels different. The past few months with him have been nice.”
“Wait,” I say with a laugh, “you’ve known this fucking guy for months and are just now bringing up the fact that he exists.”
“I wanted to make sure it was something real. Not another Paul or another late-night-pound in general like the others.”
“Well I’m glad it’s working out. Maybe you found something good for once.”
“We haven’t had sex yet either.”
“Shut up,” I say.
“Seriously,” he says. “We’ve kissed, but nothing else.”
“That must be hard for you.”
“It’s always hard, El.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“I just want to take it slow. New me, new choices.”
“But months?”
“I plan to do something soon. He hasn’t pushed. We’ve talked about it and he gets it.”
“Have you talked about certain things like your history and such?”
“He knows about Rick a little. He know some of the things that happened, but not the super messed up parts.”
“Well that’s good. You don’t tell a lot of people about that.”
“I know. But yeah, he’s pretty great so far, so we will see I guess.”
The night goes on and he eventually asks, “So, when do you start this job of yours?”
“Late May, early June.”
“Wow,” he says, “that’s soon.”
“Yeah.”
“Is it just the summer like before?”
“They want me down there to start it up, but I have no doubt they’ll want me there long-term.”
“And you’ll end up staying?”
“Probably,” I say.
“Then you need to tell Will that. I have no doubt that he’ll go.”
“He has his sister here, though, and his niece and he just started his new job.”
“They’ll survive and I’m sure there are countless people over there that he can help out.”
“Jesus, I completely forgot about earlier and haven’t told you. I saw Drew.”
“Shuuuut the fuck up,” he says. “Where?”
“Me and Sam had lunch earlier and he just walked on in.”
“What’d he have to say?”
“He told me why he left which makes things even more interesting.”
“And?”
“Basically this guy he used to be really close with died and it messed him up and he couldn’t handle life anymore so he moved back home.”
“Why is that interesting?”
“The friend who died was Will’s ex who died in that car crash.”
“Whatever.”
“I swear to God.”
“What’d Will say?”
I look down across the room to every random set of eyes I can find and zone back in on Ethan.
“You haven’t told him,” he says.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because they were engaged and he never told me that.”
“That’s odd.”
“Right? I mean, what the fuck? Why didn’t he tell me that?”
“I’m sure there’s a valid reason. Will isn’t a bad dude.”
“I don’t even know how to bring it up. It’s awkward really. I just don’t know why he didn’t mention the fact. I mean, it’s kind of a big deal, right?”
“Just talk to him about it I guess. Maybe it reminds him too much of it all and it makes it too real or some deep shit like that.”
“I don’t know,” I say, rubbing my eyes. “I’m glad we had dinner tonight. I don’t get to see you guys as much now I feel like.”
“Well if you weren’t stuck up your boyfriend’s ass all the time.”
“I know,” I say.
“I don’t blame you,” he says. “I’d probably want to be all over that ass, too. That nice, delicious, firm—“
“I get it,” I say, cutting him off, “you think he’s hot. Can you believe I fell asleep last night while he was trying to blow me?”
“That good?”
“Too much alcohol,” I say. “We met Hadley last night and I drank too much.”
“So I’m the last one you told then,” he says.
“The best for last.”
“Awe,” he says. “You’re so full of shit.”
“She actually left with a guy.”
“I heard all about him this morning when she stopped by. She said she finally got some much-needed dick and I could tell. She seemed happy as fuck. Made me want to invite Cody over and get some as well.”
“How much longer are you going to wait?”
“Not much longer,” he says. “A few days probably. A few hours, he’s coming over once I leave here.”
I smile and say, “We better get you home then.”
“Right,” he says. “Seriously though, El, talk to Will.”
Chapter Fourteen
Will
I WAKE UP IN A SWEAT. The dreams about Evan went away months after the accident, but I still sometimes get them here and there and they leave me anxious and exhausted in the morning when they finally end.
I look over to my phone and see it’s almost eight in the morning. I go into the bathroom and splash some water on my face to wake myself up and look in the mirror. I haven’t shaved in days and any other time I would have said enough is enough, but Elliot likes the beard and I like Elliot.
I put on a pair of shorts and a cut-off shirt, grab my ear buds and make my way outside. I stretch out my legs on the sidewalk and think about what Elliot is doing at this time in the morning. Most likely sleeping I imagine, and I smile.
I make my way down my street and onto Elliot’s. As I go past his apartment, I see Sam leaning into his car.
“Searching for something?” I say as I take the ear buds out.
“Hey, man,” he says, smiling up at me as he turns his head. “I lost this person’s fucking business card and I can’t find it and I have no other way to contact him and I’m ready to blow my brains out. What are you up to?”
“Just running,” I say.
“You should get your boyfriend to do that sometime. Lazy-ass sleeps forever and then reads or eats or watches TV.”
“I love a man that wastes the day away,” I say, tilting my head back.
“Is he OK? I figure yesterday was a bit much for him and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“I didn’t know anything was wrong,” I say, confused.
What happened to Elliot that he didn’t tell me yesterd
ay?
“Oh,” he says.
“I mean, is it something serious? Did he get hurt or something?”
“No,” he says. “Honestly, you should talk to him about it. He’d probably be pissed if I said anything. It’s really fine. Just…talk to him.”
I make my way into the apartment and see Elliot on the couch eating a bowl of cereal as I open the door.
“Find it?” he says.
“Still looking,” I say and he quickly turns his head my way.
“Hey, babe,” he says with a mouth of Cheerios. I make my way to the couch and sit down beside him and he attempts a smile through the food.
“What are you doing here?” he says.
“Was out for a run and ran into Sam. He asked me if you were OK.”
His face turns back towards the TV and he shakes his head from side to side quickly.
“I’m fine,” he says. He focuses on the TV and doesn’t look in my direction again.
“Well, something happened yesterday if you might not have been OK.”
“I saw my ex.”
I skip a breath, look from him to the TV and say, “Oh.”
“It was unexpected and I was, and I am, fine. Just wasn’t planning to see him and it was a bit much. Sam saw him first before he left the restaurant. Only reason he knows.”
“Did he say anything about leaving?”
“Are you hungry?” he says, trying to change the subject.
“If you don’t want to talk about it that’s—“
“I just don’t want to right now. We can talk later at dinner about it. Okay?”
“Okay. And I could eat, but I’ll wait till I’m done.”
I get up off the couch and make my way to the door.
“You don’t have to go.”
“No, I need to get this out of the way and then I have a bunch of stuff to do before dinner for tomorrow. I plan to do other things after dinner rather than work stuff.”
He winks at me, smiles and says, “Bye, William.”
I make my way back outside and see that Sam is gone. I look towards the opposite way of my apartment, but turn around and go back home because the knot in my stomach and the curiosity about Elliot’s ex has ruined the idea of exercising for me.
I get back to the apartment and once I’m in the doorway, I just stand there frozen. I don’t feel nervous, but the thoughts about what happened are nonstop and I try to focus in on the now and bring myself back so I don’t get a headache.
It’s fine, he’s fine. If it had been serious, he would’ve called me yesterday once it happened.
I hop in the shower and sit on the floor on the tub. I wrap my arms around my knees and lay my head on top of them.
Wondering what Drew said to Elliot eats at me as each passing second goes by and each drop of water touches my skin. The water is hot, but it doesn’t warm my skin. I feel cold and confused and the worry starts to get to me for no reason.
I don’t know if the thoughts come because I think he may go back to him or if I’m anxious about the fact because of how he left and all I can do is wonder why.
I focus to the night I met Elliot on our bench and smile. He didn’t know it, but I stood there for a couple minutes before I decided to sit down. I looked from the city and the bridge to him and saw the lights reflect off his face and the way his features curved into the beautiful shape of his face. He ran his hand through his hair and let out a breath and I decided to sit down instead of deciding to keep on walking. I wouldn’t normally have sat there in the middle of the night if someone was there, but I didn’t feel uneasy or odd about the fact.
I knew once I saw him that I had to try to find someone again. To cure the ache that Evan’s passing had left on me. To actually try and accept the fact that Evan was in fact gone and it was time for me to move on as well.
I get off the floor and actually do what I got in the shower to do. It’s still early, so once I get out, I make my way to the bed and sit on the edge of it. I check my phone for messages while I was in the shower and see there is one from Elliot.
You really didn’t have to leave.
I put the phone back down and put some clothes on.
I know. I really do have a lot to do before tonight.
I go to the living room where there are piles of random paperwork scattered around the room. Most of them just need my signature, but I also have to review multiple people that we interviewed earlier in the week for counseling positions. It all will only take me a few hours, but Elliot doesn’t have to know that.
OK. Pick me up around 6?
Yes, sir. Love you.
Love you too.
I turn my phone on vibrate and flip it over so I can focus on the work I have to do. This new job has kept me busy, but in a good way. Teaching left me with things towards the end that I had no motivation to do, but things for this always have a purpose and in a lot of ways affects and helps the teenagers that come to us.
All of the people we interviewed had plenty of experience, but only a few showed interest in helping the kids I felt. At the end of the day, I’d rather have someone with less experience if they had the urge to help more than just be there for someone to talk. I already knew who I thought was the best fit once the interviews were over.
I still look over all the candidates again, but I still pick Deb. Deb is in her mid-thirties and has a daughter going through the process of discovering herself. She’d been tormented at school and when they wouldn’t help, Deb took it upon herself to move her to a different school and look into organizations like ours for help. She also has worked in multiple schools as a counselor and her references were nothing short of amazing.
I put her information to the side and stack the rest of them in a pile. I move onto everything that needs signed which takes me no time at all. I look back at my phone and see that only an hour and a half has passed and I lay back against the couch and roll my eyes.
I won’t bring anything up to Elliot; I’ll let him bring it all up so it’s not awkward. My nervousness doesn’t come back about the subject, but I still can’t wrap my brain around what exactly they would’ve talked about and I really can’t decide why it bothers me so much thinking about the fact.
***
I make my way to Elliot’s and try not to think about all the stupid thoughts that have crossed my mind today. Everything is fine and will remain fine. I have to trust what Elliot says.
“Hey,” Elliot says as he shuts the door to my car. It’s six on the dot and he is nothing but smiles.
“You look nice,” I say, leaning over and giving him a kiss.
“I took a nap earlier, so I had the motivation to at least look a little good for you.”
“You’re so thoughtful to think of me, Elliot.”
“I’m starving. All I had was that cereal.”
“Jesus,” I say, “how long was your nap?”
“Well, I ate and then I watched some TV and Sam came back and I napped and then I got up and showered and went back to sleep and then got back up and yeah.”
“So, two naps then?”
“Maybe,” he says. He grabs my hand and holds it, setting it on his knee. “I promise you, I’m fine.” I look over at him and he’s looking straight ahead into the traffic.
“I know,” I say and he looks over at me and smiles.
We make it to the restaurant and get sat at a table in the back. The room is dark and calming and the temperature is cool to where I’m glad I brought a jacket with me.
“I’ve never been here before,” he says.
“Me either. Thought we’d try something new.”
“New is good,” he says and picks up his menu. He looks over the menu and into my eyes for a split second and I instantly get a hint of nerves, but they go away just as fast as they hit.
“He told me why he left,” he says.
He sets down his menu and puts his hands together in a fist on the table. He looks up at me and raises his eyebrows.
; “Was the reason satisfying enough?”
“It actually made me feel worse,” he says.
“Oh,” I say, looking down at his hands. The anxiety rises in my stomach again, but I focus back on him.
“He left because he had a friend that died and he couldn’t handle the loss. It really messed him up. To be honest, we had problems anyway and we weren’t going to last, but, obviously, him up and leaving still hurt.”
I don’t say anything and he continues.
“The friend died in a really bad car accident. He left days after.”
“Well, I’m sure it must have been hard on him if he up and left. He probably wasn’t in the right state of mind to think about anything.”
He doesn’t say anything and lets out a heavy breath.
“Why did it make you feel worse?”
“When I say this, don’t freak out. Try to remain somewhat relaxed and just let me get it all out.”
“Okay?”
“His friend’s name was Evan.”
My stomach instantly drops and I close my eyes.
“What does that have to do with me?” I ask him, but I already know the answer.
“I wouldn’t have just assumed it was your Evan except he brought up the fact that his fiancé was a man named Will who he was getting ready to get married to in a few weeks, but then the accident happened.”
“Elliot, I—“
“What bothered me,” he says, “is the fact that you haven’t mentioned once that you guys were engaged. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you just decided not to tell me. If it’s because it makes it too hard on you then that’s OK. If you just didn’t think about the fact then that’s OK, too. But if you didn’t tell me for others reasons like not trusting me or something like that, then it really bothers me. We’ve been together for awhile now, so I’m just confused as to why I don’t know this already.”
I look down at the table and focus on a small cut that goes into the wood. I think about how it got there and who or what did it and if they even realize that they damaged something that was once whole.
“Drew hadn’t talked to Evan for awhile,” he says, “so I wouldn’t have assumed you would’ve met him or anything. The fact that this is all connected is crazy anyway, but all I can think about is that you were going to get married.”