Second Time Around

by Sandrine Gasq-Dion

I shoveled what looked like Jell-O into my mouth and glared at my father. “Does this make you happy? I was strong! Then Maverick died!”

  “Are you angry?” my father asked.

  “Fuck yes, I am!” I shouted. “He left me!” It took a second to process what I’d just said. I looked up at my father and felt the fucking tears coming again. “I…no…I didn’t mean that…”

  My father came to my side and took my hands.

  “It’s all right to be angry with him, Ronin.”

  I shook my head and wiped at my eyes. “I don’t want to be. I don’t think I can do this, Dad,” I whispered.

  “You can. Do you know how I know this?”

  I shook my head.

  “Because only a strong man could walk around in a woman’s high heels.”

  I blinked. A smile spread across my face as my father winked at me. I burst out laughing and my father hugged me hard.

  “I love you, son. Please don’t let me lose two children.”

  The door to my tiny room opened and Dr. Cruise walked in, nose buried in my file. I hadn’t seen him since the night before when he brought me my yummy calorie-filled cheeseburger. With extra pickles, no less.

  “Hi, Doc.” I smiled, lying back in bed. I shot a glance at my mother and had to cover my mouth. A herd of antelopes could have run into her mouth, it was hanging open that wide. I guess I got that trait from her.

  “How’s my patient?” he asked, nose still buried in my file.

  “Honestly? I’m feeling a bit disgusted.” He looked up at me just then and my eyes went wide. I could see just fine now and what I saw was my Maverick. The eyes were the same, the hair - although a bit shorter - the same color. I could almost feel its soft texture under my hands. My knees went weak as that lopsided smile appeared, making his eyes sparkle. Yes, I do know how corny that sounds.

  “Oh?” he asked with a bit of playfulness in his voice.

  My mother coughed and I looked in her direction. At least she had shut the antelope prairie. Dr. Cruise realized there were two other people in the room and turned to my parents, extending his hand.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize Ronin had company. I’m Dr. Cruise.”

  My mom, to her credit, snapped out of her staring phase and took my doctor’s hand, pumping it slowly.

  “Are you married, doctor?” she asked bluntly.

  “Mom!” I blurted.

  Dr. Cruise chuckled and I swear it was Mav’s laugh. My heart ached as I looked at the man who could have been the love of my life’s twin. How cruel was that? Dr. Cruise shook his head and smiled.

  “Nope, not married.”

  “Gay?”

  “Mother!” I shrunk down into the bed and covered my face with a pillow. Thank God for my father.

  “We should go, Jules. Let Ronin get some rest?” he suggested, none too gently.

  “Oh thank God,” I muffled from under the pillow.

  “We’ll be back tomorrow, son. Sleep well.”

  I waved my hand from underneath the blankets and heard the door whisper shut behind them.

  “So, do you plan on staying under the pillow all night? I need to examine you and it would be much easier if I could actually see your face,” Dr. Cruise said, a hint of amusement coloring his voice.

  I pulled the pillow down slowly and looked at him standing there with what could only be described as a smirk. Oh God, he so reminded me of Mav.

  “What are you going to do exactly?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Because the last person who came in here took my blood and my pee.” I cocked an eyebrow as Dr. Cruise lifted both of his.

  “No stool sample?” He looked down at his chart with a frown. “I specifically asked for shit.”

  There went my mouth again, dropping to the bed as I looked at him with my what-the-fuck face.

  “That’s a good look on you,” he said with a grin. “I’m kidding.”

  “Yeah well, the nurse poked me in my arm a million times looking for a vein that sticks out begging for a needle!” I pointed to my arm and he leaned in to look.

  “Huh…what did she look like?”

  “Big. Scary,” I said, shivering for effect.

  He nodded, looking serious. “It could have been the nurse I call Rancor; I try to stay far away from her.”

  My eyes widened and I dropped my jaw again. “I’m sorry…excuse me?”

  He blushed and gave me a sheepish grin. “Sorry, I have to remember that not everyone is a ‘Star Wars’ buff. Rancor was—”

  “That ugly looking monster in ‘Return of the Jedi,’ yeah, I know. Luke kills him.” Dr. Cruise’s mouth dropped open and I did my little victory dance at how I wasn’t the only one who actually did that.

  “You like ‘Star Wars’?” he asked.

  “What’s not to like? I’ve seen them all.” I almost laughed as Dr. Cruise’s nose twitched. It was Mav’s thing; he always did that little twitch when something disgusted him or offended him. I saw him do it a lot at my expense.

  “I haven’t. I refuse to see the ‘old’ new ones.”

  I nodded slowly and went with it. “Well, I’m old school, so I had no interest in seeing the three newer ones they made. I’m a fan, I saw the originals when I was really young and I always thought that I should be in a sandwich with Han Solo and Luke.”

  “Not the princess?”

  “She can take her cinnamon buns and stuff them.”

  He laughed loudly at that one and pulled the chair over to the side of my bed. I fidgeted because at this point I was starting to believe that this man, Maverick Cruise, was either my Mav, or God’s way of apologizing for taking the one thing I couldn’t live without. He looked at my plate and a frown formed.

  “You’re still not eating?”

  I pushed the tray closer to him and pointed at the pretend meat. He leaned over and sniffed twice before getting up and placing the tray in the garbage. I contained a small laugh as he closed the lid on the trash can.

  “Well, we can’t have you eating that muck. So? What else would you like?”

  I sat up in bed a little and gave him my best capped teeth grin. He had the most gorgeous smile. Mav’s smile. The melt-into-a-puddle smile.

  “Caramel latte with a shot of whipped cream,” I pouted. “It’s my comfort drink.”

  “It’s full of sugar.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “How about some tea?”

  I shook my head no and crossed my arms over my chest. I know what I looked like, a kid who was just told he had to eat all of his broccoli or he wasn’t having dessert.

  “It’s that or nothin’!”

  Dr. Cruise shook his head, smiling. He crossed the room and took his seat next to the bed again. The way he looked at me, it was almost like he was trying to figure out where he’d seen me before.

  “What?” I looked back at him.

  “It’s nothing.” He stood up and gave me another one of the puddle smiles. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

  I waited for the door to close before I let out a sigh I hadn’t realized I was holding. Dr. Cruise was a ‘Star Wars’ fan? I looked up at the ceiling with a raised eyebrow.

  “You trying to tell me somethin’, Mav?”

  ~*MAVERICK*~

  What was it about this patient that had me all tied up in knots? He looked so…broken. I didn’t know how it felt to lose a loved one. My parents died when I was four and my grandmother died when I was twenty. The weird part? I don’t remember much about it. In fact, I didn’t remember much of my life. I’d been struck by lightning a year ago and died. Briefly. I always hated golf. Now I really hated it. I woke up in the ER and didn’t remember too much. I remembered bits and pieces of my life, some of high school and playing football in college, and medicine - for some odd reason I remembered everything about medicine. There was something about Ronin Eastland that drew me to him. More than once I found myself fantasizing about kissing him, holding him. I had no clue what to say to Ronin’s parents today. I’m gay, sure, but I don’t go a
round broadcasting it with a bullhorn. Although, I do have a tiny rainbow flag in my car.

  I looked at my desk and sorted through the many files I had put on hold. I just couldn’t stay away from Ronin Eastland.

  When I’d given him his coffee, I swear he had an orgasm face as he took a sip. Not that I’d know what he looked like during an orgasm, but my dick wanted to find out. I leaned back in my chair and sighed at the ceiling. Now I’m dreaming about fucking a widower who probably isn’t over his love. Great. I’m an ass.

  There’s just something so…familiar about him. His smile, the cute way his mouth drops open. I wanted to see him outside of the hospital. Which again put me solidly in the ass column. I might as just well take up residency there because I couldn’t shut my brain off when it came to Ronin. Given my obsession with him, I really needed to take myself off his case. But I couldn’t make myself trust him to another doctor’s care; I had to be sure he got better.

  A soft knock on my door pulled me out of my lustful thoughts and I looked up to see one of the nurses looking at me. I’d been here for three months and they all still looked at me as if I was a dildo draped in chocolate and diamonds. I sat there looking at her stupidly because you could put jumper cables to my balls and I still wouldn’t be able to tell you what her name was.

  “Yes?” That’s safe.

  She tilted her head at me and pointed to her watch.

  “Shift’s over, Doc.”

  “It is?” I looked at my watch, because, you know, it tells time differently. Sure enough, my shift had been over for forty-five minutes. Where had the time gone? I gathered up my papers and grabbed my coat off the back of the chair.

  As I exited my office, my body took me down the hall without my brain’s knowledge. I stood in front of Ronin Eastland’s room. I knocked softly and heard something that sounded like ‘come in’. The room was dark as I pushed the door open. One of the windows was open just a bit, letting the warm summer breeze in. Ronin was sitting up in bed, looking out the window. I stood, waiting for him to say something. I had no idea why I was there; I’d already checked on him.

  “I wanted to die,” Ronin said quietly.

  I walked closer to the bed and sat on the end of it. I was going to let him talk. He needed to. Everyone wanted to help him, but the one thing he needed was for someone to just listen.

  “I didn’t want to be here anymore,” he continued. “I spent twelve years of my life with Maverick. I knew everything there was to know about him. We met in college and fell in love the same day.”

  I thought I’d heard him wrong. Did he say Maverick? Oh God, Ronin’s partner’s name was Maverick? I felt the floor sliding out from beneath me and I had the urge to flail my arms. This was so much worse than a patient hero-worshiping me; this was a seriously wounded man hanging onto someone with the same name. Fuck.

  Any slim chance I’d ever had just flew out the window. Ronin turned to look at me just then and my breath stopped in my throat. His eyes were red-rimmed, but he had a small smile.

  “I freaked you out, didn’t I?”

  I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know his name. It must have been strange for you.”

  “When I first saw you, I thought it was strange how much you look like him.”

  “Do you have a picture?”

  Ronin opened the drawer next to the bed and fished around inside. He pulled a worn leather wallet out and removed a picture. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see what this Maverick looked like. I took the picture from him carefully and held it up to the light from outside. It was like looking in a mirror. Almost. This Maverick had the same hair, same eyes, same smile.

  “What did he do for a living?” I asked, my hand shaking a bit.

  “He was a doctor,” Ronin said quietly.

  I felt my heart beating in my ears. I had to get out of there and I had to do it now. Except my feet wouldn’t move and Ronin had gotten much closer without me realizing it.

  “I…I should go,” I stammered. I was ready to lose it right there and then. I don’t know why, but I felt as if everything I’d known changed in those brief seconds that I held that picture. I couldn’t deny I felt close to Ronin. I wanted him.

  Ronin backed off a bit, looking at me with sad eyes. I felt my heart ache at his pain. The next thing I knew, he was in my arms and I was holding him as he cried into my neck. I wanted to take care of this man, hold him and make all his pain go away. After a few minutes he settled down in my arms and I breathed in his hair. He smelled like fresh soap. In that second, I had a flash of something, a vision of Ronin laughing. I eased him out of my arms and backed off the bed.

  “You should get some rest. I’ll be back in the morning.” I turned to leave and felt a hand slide into mine. My mind could see Ronin on a bed, laughing, his eyes full of love.

  “I’m sorry if I upset you,” he said behind me.

  “You didn’t. Goodnight, Ronin.”

  I had to get out.

  I left the room as quickly as I could and ran down the hall. I made it down the stairs and ran out into the Arizona heat. Why had I come here? Could I even remember why I chose Arizona over all the other states that I could have gone to? There was a better job offer in New York, so why was I here? I leaned up against my car trying to catch my breath. What the hell was all that? I’d seen Ronin as if he were beneath me, laughing and caressing my cheek. Even now I could still feel his skin on mine. I took another deep, cleansing breath and unlocked my car. Sliding into the seat, I turned on the air and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. I’d always believed in reincarnation; don’t ask me why, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe it was my way of having faith that if life shit on you, you got another chance.

  I stared at my reflection. Ronin’s face came to my mind and I smiled. He was so…beautiful. Ronin Eastland was my fantasy guy. Over the years I’d searched for the Holy Grail man, but had never gotten close. Ronin was my Holy Grail. I realized I didn’t know much about him, other than the fact that he was slowly killing himself. I got that, though. Once you found love, you never wanted to let it go, and when it left, part of yourself went with it.

  Where had that come from?

  I tilted my head and looked at my own eyes. I leaned back in the seat and closed them. I had to stay away from Ronin Eastland. I just had to.

  ~*~

  Yeah. That didn’t happen. I saw him every day for almost two weeks. Being his doctor made it hard to avoid him. I still couldn’t make myself pawn him off on another doctor; somehow he became mine and I wanted it to stay that way. Ronin saw a counselor every day as well. He sat with a group of other people in the same situation as his. I stood by the door while some of the meetings took place. Maverick Holliday was one hell of a good man. He’d worked at the same hospital where I was currently employed. Which was another thing that made my head spin - is that why all the nurses looked at me that way?

  I released him after three weeks; he’d put some weight on and his blood tests all came back normal. Ronin continued to go to the meetings at the hospital which ensured that I kept seeing him. It took every ounce of sanity I had to stay away from him as often as I could, but he’d seek me out and we’d have lunch in the cafeteria. As long as he was eating I was good with it. My mind kept telling me this was a bad idea. In fact it screamed at me on more than one occasion. I had no idea why I allowed myself to ignore it.

  Well, that’s not true.

  My dick has veto powers.

  Today I was making my usual rounds when I saw Ronin leaving one of the bereavement meetings. He was smiling and talking to a red-haired woman. I tried to turn around and walk down the opposite hall but I heard him call my name.

  Shit.

  I stopped in the middle of the hallway and closed my eyes. Ronin’s face popped in there and I saw him smiling at me over his shoulder. His lips were moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. All I heard was white noise. My pulse skyrocketed as a hand slipped into mine. I kept telling myse
lf to breathe, but somehow I couldn’t force air into my lungs.

  “Dr. Cruise? Are you all right?” Ronin asked me.

  I opened my eyes to see him standing next to me. His hand was in mine and our fingers had entwined. I removed my hand slowly and kept my eyes on his. I had this flash, like forwarding through a movie at high speed. Ronin laughing, Ronin with his hands on his hips with the most angelic look on his face, Ronin writhing in pleasure. Ronin, Ronin, Ronin. I felt my legs go out; the intensity of what I was seeing taking my breath away.

  “Whoa, hey there, Doc.”

  Ronin took my arm, steadying me.

  “Are you okay? Do you need some water?” Ronin asked.

  I shook my head and tried to form words. By now I was totally freaking out. I mean, like, scream and run from the building flailing my arms like one of those wavy, inflatable tube thingies they have a car sales lots. Ronin’s brows furrowed and he let go of his grip on me, stepping back.

  “It’s me, isn’t it?” he asked.

  I took a deep breath and settled my screaming nerves. Every inch of me wanted Ronin Eastland. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever felt. I felt like I’d known him my whole life.

  “I’m just…” What was I supposed to say? Hey, Ronin, I keep seeing you during sex, but I’m like above you suspended in midair? Uh huh, who needs the shrink? “I need food.”

  I know. I’m a chicken shit.

  “Oh,”

  He nodded and smiled at me. I stood there staring. Hello, my name is pathetic and how can I help you today? Ronin shifted from one foot to the other and smiled at me shyly. God, I loved his face…

  “How about I take you out?” he suggested.

  Shit. And uh oh.

  “Um,” I scrambled to come up with something to say.

  “Just coffee? That’s safe, right?”

  He gave me this look that I’m sure would make grown men sink to their knees and worship him. I wanted to.

  “Coffee?” I twitched my nose. Not a big fan of coffee.

  “How about chamomile tea? That sound good?”

  I knew my mouth had dropped open. Of all the teas, he picked chamomile?