A Journey Deep

by Beth Reason

  Chapter 13

  It was a long few months before I finally got to meet Alistair. Reginald and Christophe kept pushing it off and pushing it off until I snapped one day and refused to go to an interview. I guess I could only be pushed so far before I needed a break. So I was finally allowed to travel to the wilds of Montana and meet my Mother's nephew she never knew.

  I looked at the old man. His eyes were sharp blue, like Mother's. His hair, what was left of it, was undyed. Natural, unlike nearly everyone else I met. His face was wrinkled. Lynette said later he was "one of those naturalists"...people who refused the cosmetic lifts and tucks to look younger. He was slightly stooped, and walked with a small shuffle. And he just stood and stared at me.

  I wondered if he saw Mother in me, as I saw her in him. He never met her. It made me wonder about my uncle. Had he been very much like Mother, too?

  Alistair stared for what felt like hours before sighing heavily and swearing. I was surprised and more than a little amused. "You really have only aged sixteen years." His eyes were twinkling with smile in spite of the words.

  His good humor was infectious and I already felt myself start to finally unwind. "And you have aged just a little more."

  He broke out in to a wide grin. "You noticed, eh? I had hoped to fool you in to truly believing we're contemporaries!"

  I had to laugh. I liked Alistair immediately. He welcomed us into his small but nice home. Everything was made of wood, and I couldn't help but think how jealous Reginald would be to see it. Ralph, Lynette, and Marlon accompanied me on the trip. It was a breath of freedom I needed. It felt like everyone wanted something from me at every moment of the day, with Christophe and Reginald controlling my every minute. It wasn't that different from Mother and Dad. But at least there had been escape with them. There was always Laak'sa. There was Little Blob. There was Ashnahta. Even when I wasn't physically with them, they were always there. My internal escape.

  I really, really needed an escape.

  Maybe Christophe sensed that. He backed out of the trip at the last minute. He said they had an important IOC debriefing. "Give our apologies to your family," he had said.

  Alistair had coffee and cookies waiting for us. There was an older woman who he introduced as Gladys. I don't believe she was his wife. I think she was his server. A real person as a server, not a bot. She said nothing. She gave us all cups of coffee and then left the room.

  Alistair couldn't stop looking at me. "I'm sure you've gotten this from all of your father's family, but your resemblance to him is absolutely striking." He nodded to the fireplace. On a shelf above it was a familiar picture, the wedding picture of Mother and Dad. "I see more of him in you than Auntie Eunice."

  Maybe it was the picture that made me suddenly ache. Maybe it was being in a home, a comfortable, friendly home. I had to bite back the lump in my throat.

  "I cannot get over it." He shook his head again. "And you, looking almost as if you were in that wedding party just yesterday!" he said to Ralph. "What my father would say. Oh, what he would say!"

  "I remember Charles," Ralph said. "I don't know that he'd be very pleased to see me looking so young."

  "Yes. He was a rather hard man," Alistair admitted. "I never understood why he felt such animosity to you."

  Ralph gave an evil little grin. "He was Eunice's younger brother, Alistair. He was a tag along. He followed us everywhere, and I mean everywhere."

  Alistair snorted. "He could be a little clingy."

  Ralph roared. "The understatement of the century!"

  "Taught him a lesson, did you?"

  "Did it stick?"

  Alistair shook his head and sighed. "Not one little bit. Always tagged along." His smile softened with the memories of his father. "Ah, but it made him lovable. Took the edge off the cold science side of him."

  "It did at that," Ralph agreed, but I think he only agreed to please Alistair.

  "So there really are different races of people out there, aren't there?"

  The question came completely out of the blue. I looked to Ralph, then got angry at myself. Was I really turning into that? Relying on answers from other people? I felt disgusted. Yes, that's exactly what I was turning into. I answered without Ralph's approval because I had to. For me, I had to. "Yes. There are. Many."

  "I knew it. And what is it like? What is it like to stand there and look upon a new race and be the first human to interact and..." He broke off. "Sorry. I suppose you could say I've given this a bit of thought. You don't have to answer."

  "I will," I said quickly. "I just...I don't know how to answer. You have to remember, I don't know anything else. Every week, or month, or year we'd be somewhere different. We'd be on a planet or an asteroid and it was always new. And if it's always new, it's never really new." I laughed at myself. "Does that make any sense?"

  "Yes. Yes it does." Alistair was sitting forward, his face looking younger with his excitement. "If you're always doing something different, it's the same."

  "Exactly!" He understood. Someone finally understood. "So yes, we met new tribes. But Ralph would be better able to tell you what it was like to 'discover'. To me it wasn't discovery at all. It was just life. One day here, next day there. One species here, next over there."

  Alistair sighed, smiling, and sat back, folding his hands over his stomach. "How amazingly wonderful!"

  "It was."

  "You miss it, then?"

  Too much to admit. So much that if I began to tell Alistair, this friend, this real, true friend just how much, I wouldn't be able to keep control.

  But he didn't need my answer. He knew it. He changed the subject. "Tell me what is the hardest part of being on Earth."

  "It's heavy."

  Ralph snorted. "Amen to that!"

  "And it smells. Terrible."

  Alistair quirked an eyebrow. "I never noticed."

  "And it's loud. And there's always, always someone telling me what to do and say."

  "You look very good on the set," he said, nodding his head to his large telescreen.

  "I look like a painted up puppet," I said flatly. He did not deny it. "I do what I have to do."

  "And that is?"

  "Jake, we don't want to bore your cousin..." Ralph was trying to lead me away from a danger topic. It made me want to talk about I all the more.

  "And that is to gain the acceptance StarTech needs to gain the IOC's permission for interstellar breeding."

  "Paving the way for galactic expansion?" I nodded, and he whistled. "Tall order from one so young."

  "Not that young. I'm as old as you are," I reminded him with a laugh.

  "Touche."

  "All this talk about StarTech business...I thought we were here to get away from all that, Jake."

  Lynette suddenly agreed with Ralph. "Why don't you ask questions about your family? You must have a lot." I felt like she was a traitor. She and Ralph both. Marlon would be no help to either side. His head was bent to his holo since the trip began.

  And then it happened. I looked at Alistair and I knew I could inspeak with him. The thought popped into my head out of nowhere and I instantly shook it off, passing it off for tiredness or just a misread because of the sense of familiarity I had around him. After the second wave of inner feeling coming from his direction washed over me, I looked at him carefully. Was it really possible?

  Best do what they say, Jacob. They don't know half of what you do.

  My eyes went wide. What do you mean? Is this really happening?

  You'll see in time. We'll have plenty of time later. For now they want you to be interested in your family. Let's play the game.

  My heart raced with excitement. Alistair gave a tiny nod and a quick wink. It was real! I hadn't imagined it, he could inspeak. And he expected me to play the game, to ignore my discovery. He wanted me to sit there and pretend nothing monumental had just happened. He could feel my inner struggle and gave me a serious look. I willed my heart to calm down and took a dee
p breath. Play the game. Fine. I would prove I could. I asked about my family, not caring one bit what would be said after that. I just wanted to do whatever it took to wrap things up and get the others to go away.

  We talked about family. We walked around outside. He had a beautiful estate at the base of a mountain. We saw animals and breathed in fresh air, that still stinks in my opinion, and ate dinner out on a wooden table on a wooden platform looking over the, well, woods.

  And even though outside I was calm, cool, and, well, boring, inside I was racing. I kept trying. I kept trying to do it again. I kept trying to inspeak. I felt it, the internal closed door. He was intentionally keeping me from reaching him. And that thrilled me more than anything. It meant he knew what he was doing, that it wasn't some accident or an unconscious quirk.

  Not long after dinner, Lynette said she was tired. Marlon hadn't said one rude comment in days, so I knew he was wiped as well. Ralph looked old and weary. As soon as the conversation started to peter out, I seized the opportunity.

  "Why don't you all head to bed?" I suggested.

  "Yes. The rooms are ready. Please, don't keep yourselves awake on my account," Alistair urged. For all his calm exterior, it was clear he wanted to talk to away from the others as badly as I did.

  Lynette put up a little argument because it was early still and she didn't want to seem rude, but she made the argument as she was rising and heading towards the stairs. Marlon said, "Night," and took off without even looking up from his holo. Ralph didn't want to go. I silently begged him. After a moment he sighed. "Fine. But you get to bed soon, Jake. You've been stressed this week. You need your rest. Alistair?"

  "I won't keep him up late," he promised.

  Ralph gave me a warning look. It said, "So help me god, if you dare talk about things you know damn well you're not supposed to, you'll never walk straight again." With just one look.

  "I'll be up soon," I promised. It was my way of saying, "Yeah, jeez, cut me a little slack, would you? I'm not a moron."

  He nodded. He understood our code.

  Alistair watched him climb the stairs, then waited until he heard the door close somewhere above before he began speaking. He didn't speak, though.

  You can understand me, can't you?

  Yes, yes! I screamed inside.

  "It is a trick no one understands," he said aloud, looking very pleased with himself. "It's been a secret passion of mine for years, since I was a child. It is my conclusion that what we refer to here on Earth as 'telepathy' is actually an evolutionary advancement."

  I was shocked. "Other people here can inspeak?"

  "That's what you call it?"

  "That's the translation. Uh, from Qitani."

  He looked at me a moment. "The green people."

  I never even felt his search. It made me uncomfortable that he could so easily tap in. The discomfort was replaced by the cold feeling of what I think of as the internal door.

  "I did not mean to pry." He looked embarrassed. "It's habit, you see."

  "It's...okay."

  "No, it's not. It's one of my firm rules, and I'm sorry I broke it." He shifted. "My father, he could do the same. It got me thinking at an early age that perhaps it had something to do with genetics. And indeed, it does, though I'm just short of finding the direct gene. It's in families. And it's a talent that's especially prevalent in strains of the population that possess a higher than average IQ."

  An evolutionary advancement with genetic ties. I was stunned. "I wonder what Mother would say about it all."

  He quirked an eyebrow. "Actually, I've always wondered...since my father was proficient in telepathy, perhaps Auntie Eunice..."

  I shook my head before he could even finish. "No. She can't."

  He frowned. "Are you quite sure? Because there is a difference between can't and won't. Remember, Jacob, that the scientific method requires a large pool, if you will, of subjects to study. Is it that she could not? Or is it possible that she was too much of a true scientist to admit to something that could not be proven?"

  I sat back. I had heard the expression "blowing one's mind". I could say that for the first time ever, I felt like my mind was blown. Maybe Mother could. Maybe she could all along, but simply had no way proving it to her own satisfaction. It would have explained so much. It would have explained why Mother questioned me so intensely about inspeaking, why it was constantly an issue with her. It would have explained why she pressed Morhal about that subject more than any other.

  It was bad science, and surely Mother would have been livid with me for basing my belief on nothing more than sketchy evidence at best. But as I sat there mulling it over, I became convinced that she could do it. All that time, Mother could inspeak. She just didn't believe she could prove it. She was so set in her ways that she couldn't admit it, refused to try something fanciful.

  It fit. It fit everything. A genetic leap, an evolutionary advance, the next level of humanity.

  No. The next level of universal evolution. Two hands, two legs, two eyes...evolving to a level where we could incorporate the rest of our brains for use, open up. I sat there quietly thinking about it for awhile, then decided to share my thought. I opened myself suddenly, letting my brain communicate all the things that wanted to rush out at once.

  Alistair looked at me. He accepted it. He took it all in. I could feel his triumph, what he thought was proof of evolution. I could feel his frustration, his annoyance at Mother's lack of understanding or daring or really a mix of both. If only we could ask her, came his thought. A quick feeling of hope radiated off him. Can you?

  No.

  His whole being felt like it was sighing. I did not realize there was a physical proximity requirement. I could feel the depth of his disappointment, more real to me than any actual words he could have said.

  "Since I jumped, I've felt nothing," I said quietly. "I think it might have something to do with time."

  "Hell, it could be about dimensions we don't yet understand." His scientific mind was racing down the paths of possibilities, and he sat rubbing his chin for a minute. "Was it believed that you would be able to?"

  I shook my head. "As I said, inspeaking was accepted by the Qitani. Most on the Condor never even knew I could do it." Mother discouraged it.

  Alistair sighed heavily. "Auntie Eunice sounds more and more like my father the more I hear about her!" He was giving me a wry smile. "Hard to grow up under that kind of shadow, wasn't it?" He waved a hand before I could continue. "We're getting off track. I find it fascinating that you can't reach them."

  "I think it makes sense. I didn't just jump into a different place from them, I jumped..."

  "Into a different time!" he said, smacking his forehead. "I should have thought of that. Never get old, Jake." He wiggled his finger toward his head. "Addles the brain."

  I smiled. "I'll just have to keep jumping then and maintain my youth."

  "Maybe I should 'jump' and regain some of mine!" Alistair laughed and reclined back in his chair. After a few moments of comfortable silence, each of us processing our own thoughts, he sighed. "It's truly a shame we can't reach out to Auntie Eunice with our minds. I suppose we'll just have to settle for the data she sends. Maybe next time you send her a message you could mention me?"

  What was he talking about? "Next time?"

  "Yes." He looked as confused as I felt. "Wait. You mean you haven't spoken with her?"

  I shook my head. "No. How could I?"

  He slowly sat forward in his chair. "Jacob, StarTech has been receiving data from the Condor for weeks."

  "What...how would you...." I couldn't make any sense of it. The fah'ti's open?

  His eyes went wide as soon as I thought of it. He searched for a millisecond...the other great benefit of inspeaking. A rush of data, a clear picture, an overall concept conveyed in unimaginable swiftness. It was so much faster than actually speaking.

  You don't know. "Come with me, Jake," he said out loud.

&nb
sp; He pushed off his chair and moved with surprising speed for an old guy. I followed him down a hall, then he opened a door and we started down a long stair case. He told the lights to turn on as we went. Halfway down he started to grunt with pain. "Bad hip," he said. He didn't slow down, though. His excitement was beyond the pain. I knew the look. Mother's look of discovery. I could do nothing but follow.

  I was not expecting we'd end up where we did.

  Under Alistair's old log cabin was a lab. An enormous, fully equipped lab that grew in front of my eyes as he turned on row after row of lights, down a corridor of science that seemed to have no end. My confusion was overwhelming. "A lab?" I squeaked.

  "Come on," he said, hurrying forwards as fast as his bad hip would allow.

  My mind was struggling to take it all in. "But...but...Lynette said you're a naturalist..." I stammered.

  He snorted. "If she meant that as an insult, I'm not the least bit offended. I'm a naturalist, in the sense that I believe people and not incompetent bots should run the world. I like to know that my maid tasted the meal she's putting in front of me and is sure the meat isn't just a bit off. I like to rest in the comfort of security that comes from knowing that in an emergency, I have a staff and lab filled with people, people who can think on their feet, people who can act in the moment, with none of the moors and trappings of programming." He was walking forward as he spoke, hurrying us past terminals, work stations, and experiments that appeared to be very much in use.

  I could not wrap my head around what I was seeing. It was so different from the home above that it was as if I stepped through the fah'ti itself into a whole new world. "This place is huge."

  "Yes. My father started it. We operate...well, I shall not say 'under the radar' so much as...away from the confines of the red tape of governmental oversight."

  A secret lab. In all my life I had never met someone I truly wanted to be like when I got older. Not until that moment. Oh, don't get me wrong. Dad was great, and I hoped to be like him in many ways. I even hoped I could aspire towards some of Mother's traits. But Alistair had a secret lab. There's just not topping that.

  "What do you do down here?"

  He stopped and said with all seriousness, "If I tell you, I'd have to kill you."

  He said it so seriously, and the night had already been so surreal that I took a step back.

  He laughed. "Your face! It's a joke, down here on this rock. A joke, boy. How about you just assume we do a lot of work, and let's leave out the specifics, shall we?" He walked past a few more desks before ordering the terminal online for service. He pulled up a chair for me. "Now, forgive me for fumbling around here. It's been a little while since I've done this myself, you see. The blessing of having employees is that they do all the work for you. The curse is that they do all the work for you." He cracked his knuckles and then attacked the keys.

  I sat down and watched him. As it did with Mother, the excitement of an idea stripped years away from this man who was supposed to be my age.

  "What...is it okay if I ask what you're doing?"

  "Accessing the fah'ti, of course." He pronounced it correctly. One of the beauties of inspeaking was the direct connection. He didn't have to fumble, because his brain only heard it one way, the right way. "We picked it up on the ST wire months ago. But they're very, very good at hiding what they don't want other people to know."

  I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "You're prying around in StarTech?"

  "Absolutely." He typed a few more keys, then stopped and looked at me. "Jacob, why shouldn't I? They do the same right back to me."

  "They...do?" My discomfort grew.

  "Of course! It's how all this works. They even know that I know what they know."

  "They do?" I felt like an idiot for repeating the same thing. I just had no idea what else to say.

  "You really are innocent, aren't you?" He was giving me an almost patronizing smile. I tried to be mad, but he was right. "And they are clearly fine with it all, since they allowed you to visit me in spite of my prying."

  "But..."

  "Jacob, if you do not feel comfortable tapping in to your employee account and monitoring the now active fah'ti, well, I suppose I'd understand..."

  He knew what he was doing. Looking back, I can see just how easily he set me up. In the moment, that one word was all I could think about. "It really is active?" My heart began to race with excitement, with anger, with panic, all jumbled together. "Reginald promised he'd tell me..."

  Alistair sighed. "I'm sorry if you believed him. Personally I don't trust the twerp farther than I can throw him."

  It wasn't so much hearing that Reginald lied that bothered me. It was the fact that I didn't know when the fah'ti was active. I didn't know, inside. I thought...I thought there would be a flood. There would suddenly be holonotes from Dad and schematics from Mother and edicts from Morhal to the human race. I thought as soon as it turned on, there would be the link we needed, the way to talk to them, to remember them, to prove that they were still there. Or here. Or...wherever in the universe. And most importantly, I fully believed that as soon as that switch flipped, I'd have my friends back. I'd be able to inspeak with them, and I'd have Little Blob, have so many jokes from him I'd bust out laughing out loud. I'd have those connections. I'd have Ashnahta.

  It was on. And I had nothing. The thought was terrifying.

  "I need a pass code from you," Alistair said, holding out his hand.

  Instinctively I grabbed for the key that hung on my belt. Or had. It wasn't there. I wasn't in uniform. My stomach sank deeper. "I don't have my pass key."

  Without missing a beat, he pulled a device out of a drawer and connected it to his terminal. "Have you ever used a retinal scanner? Sit still and look at the center of the bright green light. It'll hurt your eyes for a second, but blinking rapidly will clear it. Now, don't move."

  The light felt like a stab and my eye instantly watered. It was over in just a few seconds.

  "And that's why we rarely use these outdated beasts," he said sympathetically. "Keep blinking. It won't last long. Now if I'm right, they would have taken your scan when they picked you up as standard...aha! Yes. We're on their network. Now, we only need to get to your account."

  "Is this really going to get us into the fah'ti?"

  "No. Better. This is going to get us into what they're monitoring about the fah'ti. Not any raw data, but already processed and compressed down to a nice, neat little package. It's as if they did all the work and gift wrapped it for us. How nice of them, eh?" He tapped and chuckled. The screens flicked by. It suddenly struck me as very funny that Marlon had spent the day in the presence of an amazing hacker and never once even looked up from his holo.

  Alistair was staring at a screen of data. I tried to search him, but his internal door was closed. Even the expression on his face was unreadable. I looked at the screen. It was in a code I didn't understand. I sat back to wait. He would tell me what it was about eventually. He was, after all, a scientist. There was no way he could keep discovery silent.

  After a few minutes, he clicked a couple keys. Another screen popped up with a bunch of same looking code. This time, he said a little swear to himself and clicked to another screen. My leg was shaking up and down and I was biting my nail, the nerves twisting me up inside.

  "Calm, Jacob. Take a deep breath. Let me get the codex cleared."

  I took a deep breath. "Okay," I said, trying to sound calm while inside I was trying to fight the panic.

  Alistair opened the desk drawer again quickly and removed a holo. It was an old one, like the one I still insisted on using. He clipped it into the sync dock on the terminal and clicked a few more keys. After just a couple seconds, it let out quick series of beeps and he pulled it from the dock.

  "What are you..."

  "Sh! Let me work." He tapped the keys on the holo furiously, giving me a perfect look at Marlon sixty years from now. While he was doing whatever on the
holo, the screen on the terminal changed. It flashed a message in red and beeped.

  Unauthorized entry. Terminal execution code 24437-1 in 00:00:60...00:00:59...00:00:58...

  Uh oh. That was not good. In less than one minute, the terminal would be killed. A remote program would overload all circuits and anything linked to this network would never be able to function again.

  I sat forward and reached my hand out instinctively to...what? I didn't know what I was doing. It was warning and flashing and something needed to be done. "What do I do?"

  "Not now, Jacob," he said distractedly, not even looking up from the holo.

  "But you've got a terminal execution happening in like forty five seconds!"

  He sighed. "Will you stop interrupting me?"

  He was distracted and not understanding what I was saying. "Alistair, it's going to fry this terminal. Just tell me how to disconnect and..."

  My panic got through and he finally looked up. "Oh!" He tapped on the keys quickly, but nothing happened. "Those wily bastards!" He tried several combinations, but nothing worked. The timer ticked down.

  00:00:32....00:00:31....00:00:30...

  He slammed the keys, now, the holo tossed aside. "They disabled their own kill code!" The thing was, he sounded almost excited. He was even almost smiling.

  00:00:24...00:00:23...00:00:22...

  He threw his hands in the air. "He got me. That son of a jackal finally got me." He sighed and shook his head. "At least we got this first." He was giving up.

  I quickly looked around the room at all the terminals. "Are they all linked?"

  "About half of them, yes."

  "So it's going to take those out, too?"

  "I would say probably."

  "How can you be so calm?" I almost shouted.

  00:00:16...00:00:15...00:00:14...

  "Valor, honor, pride in the face of defeat. It's what really separates humanity from animals."

  That was all well and good for him to say, but I didn't like losing. I jumped up and scooted around the desk. I grabbed the network feed cable and pulled as hard as I could. Just when I thought it was hopeless, the cable snapped loose with a pop and I fell back into my seat, hard. The screen flashed a new warning.

  Terminal disconnected from network. Please seek assistance from a network administrator.

  Alistair just stared at me. I sat panting as if I had just run a race. "Well," he said after a minute. "There is that, I suppose."

  "Did it stop it from the rest of the network?"

  "Yes. Looks like. Crude but effective." He shook his head. "Hardly seems like a fair win, though. Oh well. What's done is done." He didn't seem all that pleased that I saved his network. I dropped the cord and sat back in my chair. He could have at least thanked me. I was about to tell him that, but he was already tapping away on the holo.

  I couldn't just let it go. "Hey, all's fair in war, isn't that a saying here?"

  "In an intellectual war, swinging a club is bad form." He waved a hand again. "Sh. I'm almost done." There was some beeping from the holo, then a voice.

  "Welcome, Jacob."

  "Ha!" Alistair jumped up and pointed at the now blank terminal screen. "I did it, Bradley! Stick that in your circuits and choke on it!" He was grinning broadly as he handed me the holo. "They didn't think I'd have one of these dinosaurs around. Didn't even dream that any of these relics would be used." He tapped his head. "Robots will never outsmart this, my boy. Never! Here. Take it."

  I took the holo. "What's on it?"

  "Everything. All the data that has been uploaded to and, most importantly, downloaded from the fah'ti." He pulled a little flask out of one of the desk drawers and sat back down, propping his feet up. He removed the cap and tipped it to the blank terminal before taking a swig. He then began gloating, long and loud to the Bradley bot that couldn't hear him.

  His ego trip blended away into the background as I stared at the screen of the holo. Everything they downloaded. Everything. I felt numb. "It's...it's all on here?"

  "Oh, yes, it should be. Everything that's been processed." He was quiet. I stared at the holo on my hand. After a minute, I felt a pat on the back. "Let's go, Jacob. It's been a long day."

  "What...what does it say? Are there any..." I couldn't get the words out.

  "I don't know. I didn't read it. It's not for me to know." He gave me a friendly smile. "Come. Let's retire to our beds. We're both too old for a late night like this." He winked at me. I followed him back upstairs.

  The holo felt like lead in my hand. I said my good nights and walked numbly down the hall to the room I was to use. The weight of the holo grew and as soon as I had the door shut, I tossed it on the bed and looked at it like it was a poisonous guk'ti about to strike.

  I wanted it. I waited for it. I spent the last months longing to have some word, some sign from my life, my real life. I needed to know it was still there, that they all were still there.

  I had the answers I wanted. I had them all sitting right on the bed in front of me. All I had to do was pick up the holo and read.

  So why couldn't I?

  I told myself I was just tired. I picked up the holo and placed it on the desk, then took off my shoes and laid on the bed. And stared at the holo.

  I got up and used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I took long minutes looking in the mirror until I couldn't think of anything else to do in there to waste time. I walked back in the room and stared at the holo.

  Pick it up. Read it. Hear how Dad was doing. Look at what Mother had discovered. Maybe there would be some story of Little Blob. Half of my mind was screaming at me to do just that.

  The other half was terrified.

  What if there was nothing on the holo? What if the fah'ti failed? Or transmitted incorrectly and left nothing but garbled junk?

  What if they simply sent nothing?

  Fear clutched at my chest. That was the crux right there. What if there was just nothing at all? I ran a hand through my hair. My palms were sweating. I wiped them on the leg of my pants, and all at once had to laugh at myself. Before I could lose my nerve I picked up the holo and let it welcome me again. I tapped the first file listed and made myself look. It was a file dated the day before I left Utopia, and it was enormous. All of my fear was gone in a flash. The day before. They turned the fah'ti on the day before I left. And no one told me?

  And no one told me.

  Curiosity beat anger for the moment. Not later. No, every word and action of mine for the days to come would be fueled by the growing anger of what they kept from me. But in the moment, my excitement and curiosity outweighed the anger. Good or bad, I suddenly had to know.

  There was data. A lot of scientific data. That was mostly all the first batch of information downloaded on that day contained. Old data, too, as I discovered after flipping through file after file. Data on Mother's pregnancy, biometric measurements and read outs. Data on the places they visited during that time. Things that had been sent back years upon years ago, floating in space, in limbo, trying to make their way home. I would be sure to tell Alistair. I knew he'd be fascinated by that information.

  The second batch downloaded three and a half minutes after the first was more data, but data about me specifically. There were statistics, daily sample data about how I grew, what I ate, how I progressed physically and mentally. There were personal notes, and I flagged those to read later. That was all old, too, but I wanted to read it eventually. First things first, though. I got out of that file set and went to the next, this one also downloaded three and a half minutes later. I quickly looked at the list of time stamps. They were all three and a half minutes apart. The StarTech system was on a cycle. I skipped forward, guessing on timeline of sent data. I was getting closer. The batch I opened next contained information about Little Blob's tribe, but nothing new. It was all old stuff, first contact type info.

  I skipped ahead three more batches and clicked. And there it was. New informati
on. Information I did not know. And there were files with personal headings, not just scientific data cataloging numbers and codes. Things like, "RE: Haven't heard yet...are you getting these?" and such. I backed out and went one file set back. The very first was a letter to me.

  I paused to gather my courage. And then I opened it.

  Condor One communications log 477-a2:

  Jake, it's Dad. I hope they will forward this to your holo, though Eunice thinks most likely they won't. She's going to send you a letter, too, even though she swore up and down she would not go back on the agreement she made with Honorable Morhal. I never made such a promise. And even if I did, I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about breaking it.

  You must have been so hurt when we threw you off the ship. You don't know how bad I felt that whole time, and since. I was silently begging you to understand. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated us. Hell, I hate me for it, too. Hopefully you didn't give Uncle Ralph too much grief when he told you. Don't take it out on him. Eunice and I put him in an impossible situation and I know, I KNOW he is doing the best he can.

  But now that you know why we had to get you out of here, I can only pray that you can understand. Maybe some day when you are older and have your own children to care for, maybe then you'll be able to know the choice we faced.

  This will be the last letter I can send from our ship, therefore the last time I can speak to you, kiddo. I mean, really speak to you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. The ship is a boring hunk of metal without you causing trouble and laughing and playing and keeping us all alive and sane. To be honest, I don't think I'll even miss it. I love you, kid. Always remember that.

  My heart was almost stopped by the end. Just what the hell did any of that mean? I had to know. There was no more fear of knowing, only the dread of not knowing. I clicked the next. It was, as Dad guessed, from Mother.

  Condor One communications log 477-a3

  My Jakey. I don't know what to say. Here I am breaking a solemn oath, and I find I cannot think of the words to say to you. I am very good at science. Science demands a cold shoulder and an aloof attitude. There is never pain with science. There is never uncontrollable excitement. There is never fear and never, ever love. I am much better with science. I am terrified by everything else.

  You began as an experiment. I will not apologize for that, because that's how it was. A mad idea of mine, the ultimate in human expansion. If we are to truly spread and colonize, offspring must be born in deep space. It was the goal of our entire team to attempt and see it through. To study you. To participate in the greatest discovery for the future of humanity.

  And then something happened. I held you and became your mother.

  I am sorry for all the times I was cold. I suddenly wish I could take back every long lecture and droll dinner discussion and just have my child back. I am scared that you will only think of me as an observer in your life, a biographer, a scientist interested in only the numbers and not the person.

  It was my decision, Jakey. It was my decision to get you out of here, to make sure you were safe. It was my decision to say damn the data we could have gotten from your permanent residence on Laak'sa. I was the one that said to screw humanity. I selfishly protected my child instead of furthering science.

  It's not much after a life of seeming coldness. But I hope, my Jakey, I hope that there is enough of me in you to understand just how much that means I love you.

  I had never heard that much emotion from my mother. I never thought I would. I missed her then, truly, deeply for the first time. I curled up on the bed and read the last two lines over and over, and the ache of loneliness throbbed through my gut. I do understand, Mother. I do.

  Slowly it ebbed. Slowly the ache passed. And slowly, the rest of what was said by them started to seep into my consciousness. Or, actually, the rest of what they didn't say. Something had happened. Something went wrong that I didn't know about. They would not be on the Condor any longer and I would not have been safe, that much was clear. But what and why? I pulled myself back up flagged those two letters. I made a note to ask Alistair or Marlon how to copy them to my own holo. I didn't know if I'd ever read them again, but they were mine.

  The next file was from Xavier. It began to paint a clearer picture.

  Condor One communications log 478:

  ATTN: StarTech Galactic

  From: Commander Xavier Holling, COO Condor One

  To whom it may concern,

  As per the terms of the mutually agreed upon contact treaty, both Captains Cosworth have been delivered to the designated containment center. I have officially taken command of the Condor One. True to their word, we faced no resistance when the remaining crew decided to serve their terms out on the ship instead of on land. We have agreed to act as a processing center for information passing between galaxies, and they have agreed to keep us supplied until a time when it is no longer necessary. It was the very best agreement I could broker for the remaining crew.

  I would like to take this opportunity to file an official complaint about the way the situation with the child was handled. Because I was not in command at the time, his escape was beyond my control. I have done all I can to bargain with our captors, but it will not be enough. We will spend our lives tied to this ungodly planet and I believe official censure of both Captains Cosworth is in order. The two of them lost their objectivity years ago. They abandoned the mission.

  Do not send another ship to this solar system. It would not be well received. There is no way to make any escape, and I will not risk my crew trying. We have accepted our fate. Please do not make it worse for us. Learn from the data we send, and next time, step lightly.

  My first thought was just how much of a bastard Xavier was. Covered his own ass with the boss, that's what he tried to do. That's what he always did. It was always someone else's fault. Typical. Some things never changed.

  And then the enormity of it all slammed into me. Mother and Dad were prisoners. Daniel, Stephen, Jenna...they all were prisoners.

  "But it doesn't make sense! The Qitani are our friends." I said it over and over when a very sleepy Ralph grudgingly confirmed what I put together.

  "Jake. Keep your voice down."

  "No." I didn't care if I woke the whole house.

  He sighed and sat up. "How in the hell did you even find out?"

  I scoffed. That was what he was going to focus on? "According to Dad, my 'uncle' was already supposed to have told me all about it."

  Ralph looked at me for a minute then rubbed a hand down his face. He swore. "Look. You were so..." he began, before frowning and trying again. "I didn't think it..." He swore again, then sighed deeply. "Hell. Sit down." I didn't want to. I was that mad. "Shut that door and sit," he said more firmly. I shut the door and sat as far away from him as I could and waited while he took a drink of water.

  "They had us from the moment we entered the solar system. We weren't leaving from that point on. We didn't know it, though. Not until after first contact with the Qitani."

  "But they're our friends," I stubbornly insisted again.

  "No, Jake," he said firmly. "They were friendly, but only as a means to an end. Not that I can blame them. Their lives are so very short. How long do they get? Twenty years? Twenty five, if they're lucky? The amount of research we carried with us was easily five, six generations worth to them. Think about that. In our terms, that's like three hundred years of technological evolution." He shook his head. "They'd be idiots to pass that up, to let it slip away."

  "But we shared. We gave them what they asked for."

  "Some. Not all. We could never have just given it all to them."

  I shook my head. "Why? They gave us..."

  "What? What did they actually give us, Jake? Supplies. Sure. Help with the fah'ti, though not intentionally for our purposes."

  "What...what do you mean?"

  "We weren't supposed to leave. None of us." He waved a hand when I opened my mouth. "Just l
isten. It's late and I'm suddenly feeling old and tired and sick of it all. Do you remember first contact? Yes, you do. From a kid's point of view. But think about that day, and try to see it through our eyes. We had no control over the ship. They took control when we were still on v-2445. Hell, they probably even made that discovery happen first in order to study us for awhile before they brought us in. They landed our ship. Yes, they welcomed us. That's true. But that was as much for show to their people as the televised IOC 'hearing' was for ours." He gave a sad little laugh. "That should have tipped us off right there, now that I think about it. They're much more like us than we ever actually wanted to believe."

  It was all a show, then. Our freedom. Our friendship. Our trade, which I thought was fair until the dread gathered at thinking of it through Ralph's eyes. I shook my head, not wanting to accept that, but Ralph pushed on.

  "It was in the first year that your folks were presented with an ultimatum. Either they agreed to never leave, or they and the entire Condor crew would be killed." I gasped. It was impossible for me to speak. "They're a war people, Jake. Even if we didn't have bazillions of bytes of precious intel, they could not let us go because we were a threat. We'd give some one else a way to get at them."

  I thought I had him on that point. "They built us a fah'ti."

  "Not for us. They built it for..." He shook his head. "Just listen and don't jump in, okay? We'll get there. God, I need a drink." He shifted on the bed and started gesturing as he spoke. "Your mother and father called a meeting when they returned from planet side. It was already too late."

  "Xavier said he could have stopped it if he took control sooner."

  He snorted. "Like anyone would follow that jackass! He could fly a ship. That's it. He had no idea how to lead a crew. No one liked him. If he had tried, we would have tossed him out the air lock. I can't believe you'd doubt that."

  I threw my hands in the air. "I just found out that the last five years of my life have been a lie! I don't know what to believe."

  He looked like he was going to argue for a second, but didn't. "He wouldn't have taken charge. Besides, even if he had, it was too from the very moment we entered that solar system, and he made absolutely no objection to follow the charts there. It was on our plotted course, and he was a stickler for things like that. I don't care what he says after the fact, he was as gung-ho as the rest of us to see what secrets those sister stars held."

  I hate that that made me feel better, but it did.

  "The fah'ti was only ever supposed to be used to transmit information only for humans, not physical mass."

  I frowned. "But the Qitani use them to jump."

  "Yes. They figured only the Qitani could use them. We're much heavier than they are. Maybe they figured the fah'tis were too flimsy to transmit people so big. Maybe they figured we were too stupid to figure out how to use them. Hell, I don't know. There was a different theory from every crew member. I think your mother was the closest. She believed they were conceited enough to believe we'd never dare try. Since you and I are sitting in a log cabin a thousand galaxies away from Laak'sa, I think that proves your mother was right." He took another sip of water and let me digest what he had said.

  "So we discussed the ultimatum. There really wasn't any question of our crew accepting prisoner status. What choice did we have? Eunice and Lance, they hatched a plan to get you safe. They figured that it was really the two of them that Morhal wanted. And you. The three of you. They for their science and you..." Ralph's face turned red and he looked away. "You were a kid. That's why they wanted you," he said quickly. I didn't believe him. The look on his face said there was more to it, but he rushed on.

  "Your folks wanted to get you safe. They love you, Jake. More than you can ever know. You have no idea the torture they put themselves through the first few days after the terms of surrender were presented to them. They were in a full panic at the idea of you being forever a prisoner of Laak'sa. Whatever else you think, you have to know that. Their fear was very real. It's the only thing that could have made them send you away."

  I did believe that. In spite of everything else, I believed Ralph on that point.

  "The crew, we all backed your folks. Well, everyone but Xavier. We voted to let your folks go ahead with their plan. Your mother convinced Morhal that the fah'ti would need reconditioning to read our data."

  I had a hard time believing that, since they were so far ahead of us, and didn't mind telling him. "Please! There's no way Morhal would ever swallow that line. You know how much more advanced they are."

  "It wasn't a lie," he insisted. "A good thing, too, since your mother is horrible at lying." I couldn't argue with that. "As to them being more advanced, sure. In some things. But there are gaps. Some pretty boneheaded ones, if you look at it one way. Knowledge is never absolute. And it's not even lateral. Do you know what I mean by that?" No. "Say you have a problem. We'll use a simple one. There is an apple and it needs to be peeled. One person picks it up and uses a knife to remove the rind. But is that the only way? No. Another person could see that same problem, but not have a knife, and decide to smash the apple, pulling the bits away from the peeling as they did so. Or another could break the apple in half and scoop the fruit out because they only had a spoon. Each way completes the task. But each had tremendously different outcomes, and each person learns a unique set of data from their endeavor.

  "Now, it's not an apple that needs peeling, it's a galaxy that needs exploring. Or a solar system. Hell, the start of it was the very own planet. Each with an intelligent race, sure, but each race faced with different challenges. The very physicality of the Qitani demonstrates that. Their bones are far more aerated than ours, their muscle mass much lighter with pockets of air between the layers. Why?"

  I didn't want a science lesson. "I don't see how that matters."

  "Because of their environment," he said in answer to his own question as if I hadn't spoken at all. "It's all marsh. They are surrounded by water. Even their dry land isn't that dry. And while now they've figured out how to travel, how to build, how to successfully live, their bodies, genetics, minds, instincts...they come from a completely different starting point than ours."

  "So." I was not in a mood to humor him.

  "So, there are gaps. Take sand, for one. That's how we were able to perfect our hover technology. We wanted to cross deserts to attack enemies, but not fly high enough to be caught on radar. Our environment and a need to overcome it lead to the hover tech. On Laak'sa, though, even their most advanced on-land transports needed take-off space. They fly, they don't hover. Why? Because the idea of flight didn't even start until they had solid placed to live established. And once they did, they built up and up, not out to the unconquered marshes. No need. And yet, a hovering craft would make it possible for them to take off and land even in the middle of the swamp, would it not?" He waved a hand. "You get the picture, even if you're giving me that look. The more they found out about us, and what we know, the more they learned what they had overlooked. It went a long way to making them even more leery of us. They're a prideful people, Jake. And it stung when they found out there was a whole universe of thought out there they hadn't mastered.

  "Could straight code have been transferred? Maybe. But Eunice quickly determined that the Qitani weren't even sure and she saw our chance. Your mother worked with them, and...not. She did adapt their fah'ti coding to allow for data transfer, like she said. But she also worked on cracking the code that would allow for human matter transfer. It's the only time I have ever known her to deviate from the direct mission she was assigned. I bet she'll never do it again, either. It aged her. But she did what she had to do."

  "And they never caught on?"

  He shrugged. "I've thought that over the last couple years. There were times when it seemed like they did, where it felt like they were just letting us hang ourselves. Your mother, she was always sure they didn't have any idea. She must have been right. I mean, we're here, aren't we?"


  Another clue to the possibility of Mother's inspeaking.

  "And they honestly did seem to trust you, even though you came to our ship every night and were human through and through."

  "Morhal thought I was stupid." It hurt to think that in light of what I'd learned.

  "Mm. Makes sense. Again, look at things in their terms. You were twelve when we landed there. By their lives, you should have been a full adult with a man's knowledge and a man's understanding."

  "They knew I was just a kid."

  "Knowing and knowing are two different things. It's one thing to read the book. It's another to live the experience. As much as they thought they understood, I'm guessing they didn't." He looked like a mystery was just solved. "The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. They must have thought you were a mental case. Why else would they let you around their princess?"

  I grew instantly uncomfortable at the thought of Ashnahta. "She knew I was not an idiot."

  "Maybe."

  No. He would not take that from me. She was a child, just as I was. Whatever she learned later didn't matter. She was my friend. He wouldn't take that and make it ugly. "She knew."

  He studied me for a minute before put his hands up. "If you say so."

  "Have you ever inspoken? Obviously not because if you had you'd know that there are things you cannot hide while doing it." I was almost shouting. I didn't care. Wake the whole damn house. What did it matter?

  "Okay, Jake. I'll believe you."

  I sat back in my seat. I hadn't even noticed I was standing. "Don't you make her part of this plan. I know she had nothing to do with it. Nothing."

  "If you're sure."

  I had to be sure. Everything else was gone.

  "Get back to the story," I snapped. I was being mean. To Ralph. To the one who risked it all to save me. I was lashing out and I couldn't help it. He was the only one to yell at.

  "Once Eunice knew she had done all she could to give the fah'ti the best chance of transmitting human matter, it was time. The official imprisonment wouldn't happen until they were satisfied we established communications with this galaxy, with humans. Don't get me wrong, for all intents and purposes we were prisoners as soon as we entered that solar system. But we had a freedom that they don't have anymore. We were allowed to make our own schedules, to freely travel between the Condor and Laak'sa's port. We were also allowed our experiments. You know what? If it could have stayed like that, we wouldn't be here. You and I, we'd probably be there, living the StarTech dream. We'd be reaping information to send back for human analysis and use. We'd be whole. We'd be fulfilled. And we'd be richly rewarded, never really caring that we were, essentially, doomed."

  "Why couldn't it stay like that?" I asked. That kind of "imprisonment" didn't sound bad to me at all. In fact, it sounded just like I thought my life would always be. "Why?"

  "Because we knew many things that they did not. And no matter how open we were with the info, it became clear that they would never believe we shared it all. If there is no trust, then we would always be seen as a threat." He shook his head. "Again, I just can't blame them. We'd do exactly the same if it was Earth in question. They made it clear that any perceived freedom on our part was finite. And when it came time, they would move those they wanted, you and your folks, to remain forever on Laak'sa. Live or die, didn't matter to them. You would be their experiments."

  I sat in silence for a long time waiting for him to continue. He sat in silence for a long time waiting for me to ask questions. It was too much. The Earth felt heavier and heavier.

  "It wouldn't have been so bad being left there," I said after I couldn't take it anymore. I expected him to be angry, but he surprised me.

  "Maybe not for you. Hell, you've spent your whole life as a prisoner, kid. But we didn't want that for you. We wanted you to be able to keep going, to find home, or a home, one of your choosing not our foolishness." He looked very tired and so very sad. "You're our kid. Not just theirs. All of us, we raised you. We helped nurse you when you were born so damn early. We took turns walking the ship with you when you had colic. We babysat, carried you around while we did our work, played monkey see and hide and go seek and..." he choked up. "You're our kid, and we all...we all had so much more planned for you."

  My eyes were filling up and I turned away. I'd be damned if I'd let him see me cry. "But you didn't ask me what I wanted."

  "No." Again, he was unapologetic. "If we asked you, you'd sign your life away without even knowing it. You'd take what you always knew instead of a life that a person should be able to choose. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not at all sorry. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, even if it was someone else that got to take you home. Even if I knew I would be put to the death for it. I'd do it a million times over. And every single one of them would say the same. You have options. You have a chance."

  "What if I want to go back?" I whispered. When Ralph didn't answer, I knew. I suddenly understood the enormity of everyones' sacrifices, even my own. It was gone, all of it. I felt an exhaustion like no other I'd ever known wash over me. It was the brutality of it all, the finality. I lost it. I truly lost everything, everyone. Mother, Dad...Ashnahta. My insides felt like they were made of lead as I got up. Cold, stark, and alone.

  No, not alone. I had Ralph. I walked over and sat heavily next to him on his bed. And then I gave in and bawled my eyes out.

  "It's not fair, is it, kid?" he said quietly.

  No, Ralph. No it wasn't.