Although I wanted to sleep through this entire day so that I could pretend it doesn’t exist, I was awake at the crack of dawn. The first thing I do is turn to the photo of Hannah and me that is on my bedside table and wish her a happy birthday. Tears instantly start streaming down my face as I think that, yet again, we can no longer enjoy the birthday traditions we had. Ice cream for breakfast, having our nails done so one fingernail had our age on, and a cheesecake with candles in instead of a normal cake. It had to be toffee. I remember one year us making Mum drive bloody miles to find one, as our local supermarket had run out and we point blank refused to have a different flavour or a cake like normal people.
I reach over and pull open the draw in my bedside table. I open up the box and pull out my locket. Mum and Dad had it done for me for the funeral. The front has a ruby in it, our birthstone, along with the inscription, “Miracles come in pairs”, and inside are two tiny photos of the two of us, one as kids and one as adults. It’s my most cherished possession. I really should wear it more, but I’m equally as scared to lose it as I am for people to ask me about it.
I sit up after wiping my tears away and secure it around my neck. Today is our day. I’ll be wearing it.
After spending a long time lost in my memories of years gone by, I get up and pull the tub of ice cream from the freezer. I try to smile as I do it, but it’s hard. Really hard.
I decide it’s time to turn my phone on once I’ve cleared the tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Diet? What diet? The cookie dough was just too good. Once it’s had time to start up, I stare at it in amazement as message after message from both Ruben and Connie come through. There are fifteen from Connie. I look at them all quickly and they basically all say the same, asking me to talk, let her know I’m okay. I instantly feel really guilty that I just left without a word. If she did that to me, I’d be a mess worrying about her. I promise myself that I will make it up to her as soon as possible. She’s been nothing but a great friend since the day we met. She deserves better than how I’ve treated her. What I can’t quite cope with is the number of messages from Ruben…thirty-seven in total. Oh, and eight voicemails.
I open up the conversation and scroll to the first one. The first few are him just apologising and begging me to talk to him so he can explain. There are a few telling me how much of a dick he is for what he’s done, but then he goes on to send me a message about his day. They’re really quite sweet, and I can't help smiling as I read some of his comments. There isn’t anything exciting, just work, spending time with his parents, Connie and Fin, but it’s like he wanted me to still be involved. I actually laugh out loud when I get to a photo of him wearing, well, not a lot. Apparently, because he lost the bet, he had to model in a fashion show Danni had organised and she had him in a tiny pair of hot pants. They are awful, but at the same time bloody brilliant because it shows off his body perfectly. A wave of jealousy washes though me as I think about all the women that will have seen him dressed like that, and would have been practically hanging off him for a chance. Danni especially, I would imagine. I notice the light reflecting off his skin, and the green-eyed monster really raises its ugly head at the thought of someone rubbing oil all over him. I bet there was a queue a mile long to get involved in that little activity.
I give myself a talking to and continue with the rest of the messages. Unfortunately, there aren’t any more photos for me to ogle, just more updates about what he’s been up to and asking for me to come home. When I get to the bottom, I can’t help but think that maybe what Connie was saying about Ruben not taking the bet seriously and about him being a mess is actually true. I mean, why would he bother taking time out of his day to tell me what he had been up otherwise? He must actually care, right?
I lift my hand up to the locket that is hanging around my neck. “What should I do, Han?”
Chapter Seventeen
Ruben
“Ru, have you seen Emma today at all?” Connie asks immediately when I answer the phone.
“No, she’s still ignoring me. Why?” I question, because I can tell by her tone that something’s up.
“Her parents are here. They are saying that Emma told them she had plans with me for her birthday. I didn’t even know it was her birthday today. They have tried to drop a present off for her at her house, but can’t find her.”
“Well, maybe she’s at work or something. I’m sure it isn’t anything serious.”
“They’ve rang her work. She’s not been in all day. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but they are really worried because today is a big deal for her.”
“Why? It’s not like she’s turning thirty or something!” I say with a laugh.
“Ru…did you…did you know she was a twin?”
“No, I know she has twin siblings.”
“She’s a twin as well. Well, she was a twin. She died last year, and Emma hasn’t dealt with it very well, according to her parents. They are really worried that they can’t find her, especially as she lied to them about spending the evening with me.”
“Hang on, I’m coming now,” I say, shoving my feet back in the shoes I’d just taken off when I’d got in from work.
I rush through the entrance to Connie’s to find an almost empty coffee shop with Connie stood talking to a man and a woman who look to be the same age as our parents.
“Ruben,” Connie calls when she sees me. “These are Emma’s parents.”
I give Emma’s mum a kiss on the cheek and don’t miss the blush she gets at the gesture before shaking her dad’s hand and introducing myself.
“We’re so sorry to drag you both into this. I’m sure she’s fine, but we just want to be sure. It’s so unlike her to lie.”
“It’s no problem. We want to know she’s okay as well.”
“I can’t believe that she didn’t tell either of you about Hannah. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. She never talks about it. I just thought that after writing that book she had begun to deal with it better,” Susan says.
Connie and I both look at each other. I haven’t read her book, but I know what it’s about, and now it all makes sense.
“Oh my God, the book is almost real life?”
“Yeah. Anyway,” Pete says, getting us back on track, “Ruben, do you know where she might be?”
I lean back against the counter for a few seconds while I think. She could be bloody anywhere. How should I know? And then it hits me.
“I have an idea. You three stay here and I’ll let you know if I’m right.” I turn around and head out into the rainy evening. I leave my car where I left it on the curb outside the coffee shop, and just hope I don’t get a ticket, before heading off in the direction I think she might me.
When I’m halfway there, I start to have second thoughts. It’s chucking it down with rain and I’m soaked through. If I knew I was going to end up doing this, I would have changed from my work clothes. Running in a shirt, trousers and smart black shoes isn’t really ideal! Why on earth did I think that Emma would come out here in this weather? I can only imagine what she is going through today, but I’m not sure even that would be enough to push her to sit in the middle of a field in the rain. I rub the back of my hand across my forehead to get rid of some of the water that is running in my eyes before continuing.
I can’t believe my eyes when I get to the opposite end of the field. There, in the distance, made fuzzy by the rain, is Emma. Sat on the exact bench that sprung to mind earlier. I up my speed to get to her, and as I get closer to her I can see that she is curled up with what looks like a stuffed dog in her arms. She is soaking wet, shaking, and sobbing her heart out.
When I reach her, she hasn’t even looked up, so I pick her up and sit down with her on my lap. I put my arms around her and hold her while she sobs. If I can do anything for her in this moment, it’s to offer her some support and warmth. I pull my phone out of my pocket and shoot a quick text to Connie to let her and Emma’s parents know she’s safe.
Her sobs go on and
on to the point that I don’t think she is ever going to stop. I start to toy with the idea of carrying her home, when I feel her breathing start to get easier. She doesn’t move, doesn’t look up, just stays exactly where she is. I start to think she’s fallen asleep, until I hear a very quiet, “I’m sorry,” come from her.
“Shhhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”
We sit in silence in the rain for quite a long time after that. I eventually realise that I need to explain something to her, and this is the perfect opportunity.
“Our parents were always so happy when we were growing up,” I start quietly. “I used to see all my friends’ parents splitting up and listening to stories of double holidays, two Christmas’ and weekends with Dad. I could never imagine that happening to my parents. They were so in love. My dad especially. He doted on my mum. He had her so high on this pedestal that no one could touch her. I was amazed by their relationship, and knew that I wanted that for myself one day. A wife that I would go to the ends of the earth for, a couple of kids, and a nice home.
“Then one day it all came crashing down and no one, especially my dad, saw it coming. But one day, Dad came home from working on site early, to find Mum in the arms of another man. He went apeshit. From what I’ve heard, he was damn close to killing the guy. Dad really lost it after that. He thought he had the perfect woman, loved her more than life itself, yet she somehow managed to do that to him. He had been working long hours so they could do the house up and we could all have a holiday. He never thought in a million years that while he was slogging his guts out, she was at home shagging someone else.
“He’d been working on doing up the barn that Connie and I now live in for a while. They were planning on having it as a holiday let, but as soon as he found out what was going on, he moved straight into it. He didn’t want to leave properly because he didn’t want to leave us, or so he said. I now think that even though she hurt him, he couldn’t be away from her.
“I’ve never seen someone so broken. It was like he lost his personality and his ability to laugh. He was just existing. He’d go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and that was about it.
“I swore from then on that I wouldn’t let a woman consume me the way my mum had my dad. He could see no wrong in her until she betrayed him in the most awful way. If he wasn’t so blinded by what he thought was her perfection, then he might have seen it coming, might have had enough wits about it to see the signs.
“So once I was old enough, I started having one night stands, and as far as I was concerned, that was all I wanted. A woman to spend a bit of time with, fill my needs, but then to leave when I was done with her.” I cringe at my own words and how awful they sound out loud. “Fin was on board with the idea as well. He’s always up for some fun. And that’s how it’s been…well…until I met you.” Part of me wonders again if she has fallen asleep, but I continue nonetheless.
“From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were different. You weren’t one of those girls, and you shouldn’t be treated like one. Fin caught me looking at a picture of you that Connie sent me when we were in Australia, and he must have been able to read me like a book, because he knew then and there. Then I met you in real life, and the connection I felt with you was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. All of a sudden, everything I thought I wanted before vanished. The desire to be with different women went, and I just wanted to spend time with you. I didn’t understand it – hell, I still don’t understand it, but I know that I want to be with you. I want to make you smile and laugh. I want to do things for you that will make you happy. Whatever I do, I think about what you would think about it, how you would feel about it.” I don’t mention the house, because I think that might be a little much for right now. Plus, I want it to be a surprise for when it’s finished. Well, that’s if Emma gives me a chance.
“What I’m trying to say is…I…I think I’m falling for you, Emma. I’m so sorry about that stupid bet. It was never anything I took seriously. Fin suggested it and to shut him up I went along with it. I want you to know that, even if something did happen between us, then I never would have told him. You’re not some kind of conquest to me that I would go shouting from the rooftops. Whatever, if anything, happens between us, then it’s between us. I always would have been wearing those God awful hot pants.” I smile to myself because I know she’s seen the photo now. I checked her messages earlier, and saw that they had been read at last. “I never wanted you to find out about it. It was stupid and childish. You mean so much to me, babe, I really don’t want to lose you over something I stupidly agreed to without any thought. I really never intended on seeing it through.” I don’t really know what else to say to her. I already feel like I’ve bared my soul, and I have no idea if she’s even awake and listening to me.
She stays still and quiet a while longer, then I feel her move in my arms and she looks up at me. Her eyes are bright red and look really sore from crying. She stares straight into my eyes as if she is trying to see something in them. I just look back and hold her a little tighter.
Eventually, I see her lips part, and she says, “I’m sorry about your parents. That must have been really hard.” She then stops, but I can see that she has more she wants to say but is holding herself back.
“Your parents came to the coffee shop looking for you, babe. They were really worried. I know the gist of what’s going on with you today, and I’m so sorry, I really am. I would say I wish you’d have told me, but I totally understand why you didn’t. But I want you to know that if, or when, you’re ready to talk about it, then I’m here to listen.”
She quirks the side of her lip up in a little smile, so I know she has acknowledged what I said. She shivers again in my arms, and I decide it’s time that we moved.
“Do you want to go home?”
“Please.” I go to sweep her up in my arms but she stops me, “What are you doing?”
“Carrying you.”
“Thank you, but I can walk.”
“Okay,” I say, but I put my arm around her and pull her into my side.
“Thank you, Ruben.”
“No problem, babe. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
We don’t talk all the way back to Emma’s cottage. She unlocks the door for us when we get there, and she doesn’t even flinch when I hold her hand and tug her in the direction of her stairs. She reminds me of a little child when they’re sad and just go along with anything to make life easier, because thinking or having an opinion is just too much to ask.
When we get to the top of the stairs, I turn us into the bathroom, put the toilet seat down and carefully sit her on it. I then turn and start running her a bath. I find a bottle of bubbles and pour a load in. She shivered the whole way home; a nice hot bath should do her the world of good.
I turn back to her. She is sat with her shoulders slumped and is staring at the very wet dog in her lap. I go over and lower myself so I’m sat on my haunches in front of her. I gently reach out and tuck a strand of her wet hair behind her ear, before taking the dog from her and placing it on the vanity unit.
“That was Hannah’s,” she whispers.
I thought as much, but didn’t want to say anything about it until she did. “He’s cute. Are you okay to get in the bath or do you want help?”
“I’m okay. Thank you.” She looks up into my eyes before thanking me, showing me how much she means it.
“Okay, well if you need me, shout, yeah? I’ll just be downstairs.” I give her cold cheek a kiss before leaving and pulling the door to. I wait on the landing to make sure she is okay, but I soon hear the sloshing of water. Once I’m happy she’s settled, I head downstairs.
“Is she okay?” Connie asks as soon as she answers the phone. I don’t even get a chance to say anything.
“Yeah, she’s fine. Just sad. Can you do us a favour?”
“Of course, what do you need?”
I rattle off a list of things for her to do before phoning her parents with the nu
mber they left for me.
“Hello?” Susan questions when she answers.
“Hi, it’s Ruben.”
“Oh, Ruben, thank you so much for calling. Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. I’ll look after her, don’t worry.”
“Thank you, it’s so nice to know someone is taking care of her. Ruben, please don’t be offended if she doesn’t talk to you. She hardly talks about it, even to us. She really needs someone though, even if it’s just to sit with her.”
We chat for a while longer before I promise to get Emma to call her when she’s up to it. Once I’ve hung up the phone, I have a rummage in Emma’s fridge to see if I can find something to take her up to drink. Unfortunately, I don’t find what I want, but it’s only a few more minutes before I hear Connie knock the back door.
“Here you go,” she says, off-loading the bags she’s carrying.
“Thank you.”
“I also picked up a toffee cheesecake. Her parents said it was her traditional birthday cake!” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “If she needs anything else, please let me know, yeah?”
“Of course,” I say, before giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Oh, there is a bag of presents for her there that her parents left as well.”
Once she’s gone, I rummage through the bags. She brought me a change of clothes, along with a couple of bottles of wine.
I strip out of my wet clothes and put on the fresh jogging bottoms and t-shirt I requested. I make another quick phone call before pouring her a glass of wine and heading upstairs with it.
“Emma, can I come in?”
It takes a while, but I eventually hear a quiet yes from the other side of the door. When I enter, I see that the amount of bubbles I poured in earlier was a little excessive, as she is sat chin deep in them!
“I brought this for you. Do you need anything else?”
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