Finding Willow (Hers)

by Dawn Robertson

  I slide my hand inside the purse, gripping the gun and letting the bag fall to the gravel at my feet.

  “You took everything from me. You broke me,” I mumble. His bright blue eyes open wide with fear as he drops the branch to the ground and holds his hands up into the air.

  “Star, Princess. Put the gun down.” He tries to walk toward me but I point it right at him. My hands are shaking and my eyes are flooded with tears. I can barely see, but I don't back down. I can't back down. It’s what he wants. It is what he knows I will do, because I have crumbled to his commands my entire life.

  “Back the fuck away from me. Don't take another fucking step or I will kill you the way I have been fucking dreaming about for years. Years! Do you fucking hear me? Years! I have wanted you dead as long as I can remember!” I release the safety on the gun.

  “The only way I will ever fucking be free from you is if you are gone. I have asked you to leave me the fuck alone for years. But no. You are just a selfish sack of shit! You are a fucking shitty person! You raped me! You couldn't take fucking NO for an answer! You treated me like a fucking possession, not a person! I thought I cared about you and maybe, for a point in time, I did. But I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate everything about you. You don't fucking deserve to live. You will only do this again and again. To unsuspecting girl after girl. You are a fucking monster. I'll see you in Hell.” My hand shakes, but I channel everything I have in me to steady it.

  “Don't do this, Star. What happens when you find Willow? How do you explain this to her?”

  How do I explain it? I can't even fathom what he would do to her if he met her. I was practically his little sister, yet he thought it was okay to stick his fucking face in my cunt when he wanted.

  “When I find my daughter, I will rest easy knowing her monster of a father will never hurt her the way he hurt me.”

  With every last bit of strength I have left in me, I pull the trigger of the gun. Life moves in slow motion as the gun bucks back and falls to the ground. A scream rips through my weak body and a car skids behind me, but I can't move. I am stuck in the same place, the same position. The only difference is my hands cover my mouth in absolute shock that I just shot Blue.

  His hands clutch his chest as a sea of red pours through the dirty brown jacket he’s wearing. Blue's eyes are wide, and he is struggling to stand. I watch as the life slowly drains from his face, and I don't feel an ounce of remorse for what I just did. It feels good. I should feel like a horrible person, but I don't.

  “Star! Get in my fucking truck now!” Chrome's voice snaps me out of my shock. I turn to see Chrome's face plastered with disbelief as he runs up the driveway toward me. He jumps right over the branch blocking my car's path and pulls me into his arms, throwing me over his shoulder.

  Blue falls to the ground still holding onto his bloody chest, and I start laughing. As Chrome climbs over the branch, my manic laughter gets louder. I can't control it. The blood rushes to my head and my face burns. Tears pour from my eyes as I continue to laugh uncontrollably. I wonder if he’s actually dead. Or if he is going to jump from the ground and haunt my life for another couple decades. My body meets the seat of Chrome’s truck as he pulls his phone out.

  “The old cabin, now.” I don't know who’s on the other end, but I am not thinking straight at all. My hands are shaking and the laughing is turning into a full blown sob. I killed a person. I am a horrible person. Does it matter that he was going to hurt me again? Does it matter that he was a bad person? What gave me that right?

  “Star, baby, listen to me now. I need you to be strong, back my truck down this driveway, drive to my house, go inside, and lock the door. Go in my bathroom and take a long shower. Do not go anywhere. Stay put until I get back. I will call River and he will help you. Can you do that, baby? Can you do that for me?”

  I can hear Chrome's words and instructions, but they aren't registering. I try to block everything out the best I can. I really fucking try, but the only thing I can't block out are the coughing and gurgling noises I continue to hear coming from Blue.

  “Baby, please. Take my truck and go to my house. Quick.”

  I start backing the huge black pickup truck down the driveway. Slowly, careful to stay on the overgrown path. A pack of motorcycles rips past the truck, weaving up the driveway followed by an identical pickup truck. I don't want to know.

  I cut the wheel and start the short journey to Chrome's house. When I pull into the driveway, River is standing in the doorway but quickly sprints toward the truck. He opens the door and kills the engine while I stare blankly at the steering wheel. I can't move. I can't speak. I can only think about the monster I am.

  His arms slip under my body and pull me from the truck. He kicks the door closed as he carries me into the house. He only stops once we are safely inside Chrome's bathroom. My body starts to convulse and River's arms leave me. I feel worse. I shouldn't feel comfortable or safe in his arms, but I do. I do because I know his brother is risking his entire life for me right now. To clean up the mess I made. I should go to jail for life. I deserve it. Instead, he is risking his life, his daughter, and everything to do God knows what.

  River returns with a thick blanket and wraps me snuggly.

  “You are in shock, Star.” His hands rub up and down my arms. The friction makes me feel warmed, but I am still shaking. I listen to his voice as he does his best to soothe me.

  “Everything is going to be okay. I promise you that. Chrome and I won't let anything happen to you. Do you understand me, Star?” I nod and acknowledge him. It is all I can do.

  We sit there for what seems like hours until the bathroom door starts to creep open. I don't turn to look. I just continue to sit on the edge of the bathtub.

  “I'll take her from here.” Chrome's quiet voice echoes through the tiny room. The men exchange positions as my guardian. I feel so fucking helpless. But I can't fucking move. Why can't I move?

  I want to scream and yell. I want to fucking break shit. I want to lash out at everything and everybody. The amount of emotions that mix through my body rival that of your everyday lunatic. I am angry and melancholy. I am jubilant and free. I am worried and anxious. I am relieved.

  “It's okay, Star. Everything is okay.”

  He turns the shower on and turns to wrap me in his strong embrace. Holding me close to his chest, he rubs lazy circles on my back and continues to reassure me that everything is fine. I just wish it was that easy.

  Chrome slowly removes his clothes, starting with his boots first. He continues piece by piece until he stands before me in nothing more than his boxer-briefs. I want to smile, or touch him, but I can't. He unwraps me from the blanket. Thankfully the shaking has stopped and I am slowly starting to feel as though I am not going to freeze to death. He strips the clothes from my body until I am completely naked. He’s tender and gentle with me. Careful where he touches me, never inching close to intimate spots.

  He lifts me over the threshold of the tub, placing me on my feet while he pulls off his boxers and joins me in the shower. The water feels good running over my cold skin. The steam helps clear my thoughts. I am able to focus for the first time since Blue approached me. I have no perception of time. I just know this time he can't come back for me.

  Chrome's hands fill with my fruit scented body wash and he washes me from top to bottom. Not missing a single spot. The action is intimate. Like a parent cares for his child, but our connection now is just so different. I wonder if there is any going back from the events of the day, or if we will just go in our own directions from here on out?

  “I am so proud of you, baby. You are so strong. So brave. You did what you had to do, and he will never bother you again. I promise you that. We will never have to hear his name as long as we both live. I promise you that, Star. Never again.”

  His words bring a level of comfort to me. I believe him; this will never come back to bother us. I feel more peaceful than I have since I settled into Woodstock. Th
e soap and water rinse away every trace of the crime. Down the drain of the now dingy white bathtub. I just pray the shower is enough to cleanse my guilty soul despite the peace that fills my mind.

  My body sags against the soft mattress in Chrome's bed. I haven't moved since yesterday when he dressed me and laid me down. Movies have continued to keep my mind from wandering back to what I did. What a monster I have become. It started with happy shit. Scarlett laid with me and we watched Snow White. I smiled at her concern for me. River insisted she wasn't the one who got me sick, even though she was the only culprit in the house with the flu.

  As the hours passed, Chrome came and went, holding me in his arms as I would cry, or just encouraging me to watch a funny movie instead of the gloom and doom list I had picked out of his collection. The Hangover, Ace Ventura, and The Break Up actually got me to crack a couple smiles. In the middle of the night, though, his phone rang, and he was gone.

  River replaced him by my side and he hasn’t left. It’s almost dinnertime now, and we still haven’t spoken. I feel like I am mute.

  “I'm a bad person. I am a criminal. I got your brother to cover up my transgressions.” My voice cracks as I choke back the sob that threaten. I pull my knees up to my chest, and cover my face with my clammy hands.

  “Star, listen to me when I say this. I won't discuss it again, either.” River turns in the bed and faces me. I should look at him, make eye contact, show him that I truly am paying attention. But I just can't do it.

  “Chrome lives this life. You didn't make him do anything he hasn't been involved with before. He did this for you, because he cares about you. It may sound selfish but he doesn't want to lose you. If something happened, he would blame himself.”

  He tries to continue but I cut him off.

  “It wasn't his fault! I did this!” The emotion finally takes hold of me, for the first time in a full day. I feel my heart begin to beat again. The feeling of actually living begins to flow though my body. “I am responsible for my own actions, River! No one else!”

  “Star, you are fucking family now. We take care of our family, whether you like it or not. So fucking get used to it.”

  Then, he leaves me alone for the first time since I killed the man who turned me into a victim for all those years. Alone with my thoughts, I try and rationalize what I did. Alone to think about his words. You are fucking family now. A family that cares about me, enough to put their own asses on the line. It makes me happy as I battle my own inner demons. Knowing I have these people to fall back on no matter what happens. That unconditional love and support. I may never be able to get over what I did. Walking around free, while he is dead in the ground somewhere. If they even were kind enough to bury him. River is as upset as I am when he walks back into the room. He sits down next to me and slings his arm over my slumped shoulder.

  “He hasn't always been like this, Star. We grew up in a good house, with good parents. He was on his way to The University of Georgia on a football scholarship.”

  What? Chrome playing football? I couldn't see it if I tried. Although he’s built like one of those giant blocker guys.

  “It was his senior year. He had already been accepted, and he was going to be a football star. He had a straight ticket to the NFL. But he got hurt a couple weeks into the season. Doctors said he would never play again. That’s when he changed. That is when my brother became Chrome.” He shrugs it off like it isn't a big deal, and all I can think about is how I wished it was Chrome himself telling me this story. Confiding in me during my darkest hours. I feel like we are doing something wrong, talking about such serious shit behind his back. It feels like betrayal.

  “He started to hang around with the Renegades, and the rest is really history. Michelle did a fucking number on him years ago. But, Star...” He turns my face by the chin so I can look him in the eyes. “There hasn't been anyone since her. Yeah, a couple club skanks here and there. But no one he would ever bring home. No one he would trust with Scarlett. Star, he needs you.”

  I don't know what to say, and I am sure he doesn't expect much of a reply.

  “Just think about it all. That's all.”

  “I want to go for a ride.”

  Chrome looks across the bed where we both feast on takeout from Maggie's. He figured French fries with American cheese and gravy would actually get me to eat. He was right. As I took the first bite, my appetite that had completely vanished returned.

  “I can arrange that.” He smiles at me and takes a huge bite of his cheeseburger.

  “On the bike, I mean. I need to clear my head.” Maybe that is just what I need to slowly start to move on.

  “How about after we finish up dinner? It is really chilly out there tonight.” I don't care. The colder the better. I just don't want to feel tonight. That should help.

  “I just need to get out for a little while. I’m ready.”I’m also realizing I need to get my shit together before tomorrow morning when I have no choice but to attend this sketchy family meeting. Even if Seven jumped ship on me, I know I need to go and find out exactly what it is all about.

  “I got this thing tomorrow. Can you come with me?” I don't know if I want to expose him to my family, but with everything that has gone on in the past couple days, I honestly don't trust myself to go alone. If Seven was there, it would be a different story. But I just can't do it solo.

  “What is it?” he asks while he starts to clean up the metal tins scattered across the bed.

  “Family meeting. As soon as my parents knew I was in town, they insisted they had to talk to all of us together. Only a couple of us will be there. Seven skipped out. Paisley is somewhere down South, refusing to come home.” I almost find an excuse for Blue in my mind, but I stop. It is still surreal.

  “As long as you want me there, I will be there with you, babe.”

  I take the last bite of my cheesy goodness and pass the dirty container to him. His smile helps to heal me after everything I have been through over the past day.

  I don't want to explain my shitty family, but I feel like I have to give him some kind of clue to the lion’s den he is going to be walking into.

  “Hey, Chrome...” Even thinking about them makes my skin fucking crawl. “My family, they aren't good people. This will probably be crazy and ugly. Just like the way they raised me.” I don't want him unprepared, because all I can think about is him bolting. I hate my family.

  *** The wind whips through my hair as we fly down the back roads surrounding the town. The breeze is far more liberating than the last time I was on the back of the bike, because I know no matter what happens now, Blue will no longer have a hold over me. I am finally free. The freedom I have begged and pleaded for is finally mine. No one can take that.

  We take a sharp curve and I hold on tighter to his abs, pressing my tits against his back. I feel like I belong. I feel like I have finally found my place in the world, because it sure as fuck wasn't as a coke whore in New York City, or as a porn star, paid to fuck and jet set around the country, sucking any dick I was instructed to. Told to fuck people for money.

  It clicks. After everything that Blue did to me, taking direction when it came to sex was probably the worst shit for me to get involved with. It cut me deeper in such a raw way.

  My life floods through my memory. The pictures of my childhood, good and bad times. My teen years, which were just a fucking hot mess; somehow, no matter what, Seven stood by my side. My life as an adult, endlessly searching for where I actually belonged. I would have never expected my life to plant me back in Woodstock, someplace I thought I so desperately hated.

  Tomorrow, I will not only face my parents, but I will take the power away from them as well. They may have been shitty excuses for guardians, but if I want to come to peace in my life, I am going to have to let it all go. I can't allow them to hold that kind of power over me, especially if I am going to stay in town. It’s bad enough I am going to forever be haunted by what I did to Blue, and looking at my life n
ow, my upbringing and their shitty treatment is the least of my fucking problems.

  So deep within my mind, I don't notice that we are pulling up the narrow driveway to the house I bought. The place where I killed Blue. Chrome is forcing me to face what happened. The driveway is nothing what it looked like just a day ago. All the brush is cleared out. The road is big enough for several cars to pass by. We reach the front of the house and the yard is scattered with construction trucks and equipment.

  It doesn't feel right to be here. But I also feel more at home on this land than anywhere I have ever been in my life. I dreamed about happy times in this exact home when I was a little girl. It was everything to me and I went and fucked that all up, too. Can I ever find it in myself to get over what I did? Or will it continue to haunt me until I can’t be happy anywhere?

  He kills the engine and puts out the kickstand.

  “I didn't want to show you yet. But I think it is something you needed to see to help you.” I don't know if the work will help, but it’s enough to keep my mind off of all the bad that happened.

  The porch is ripped apart, and the small shed in the corner of the yard is completely gone. The rotten wooden siding has been stripped off the house and there is some kind of paper insulation showing. Clearly people have been busting their asses here.

  “Wow, I don't even know what to say.” I just can’t stop staring and taking in all the work that has been done in a day. The windows are fixed. The acres of grass are mowed. Everything that was wrong is right.

  “It should be done in about two weeks. The animals did a bit of damage to the interior, but for the most part, it isn't much of a job.”

  I can't help but smile. He can't see me, because he’s still facing forward on the bike. I don't know if he is waiting for me to get off, or if he just wants to leave now that I have seen the work. The nasty memories fade as I begin to think about creating a life in this house. My future. Finding my daughter and bringing her home to decorate her room anyway she wants.