Drunk With Blood
Page 3
Humans were wicked, they had bad thoughts, and the whole earth was violent and corrupt. So what’s a good God to do?
Well, you might think he’d start a school to teach people how to behave, have them go to counseling, get them interested in other stuff —like baseball or something. Anything to get their minds off their bad thoughts.
But no. God decided to drown them all. It was the best he could think of at the time. (He was having bad thoughts.)
The whole earth was filled with violence, so God killed everything on earth. (At least he found a nonviolent solution to the problem.)
But still, I don’t quite get it. Did God drown the animals because they were too violent? Didn’t he make them that way in the first place — either at creation or after the fall of Adam?
But here is the excuse that I like the best:
God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6
And here’s what God says after he finishes the job and smells the burning flesh of Noah’s sacrifice:
The LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 8.21
God regrets making humans because they have bad thoughts. So he kills them all. Then he regrets killing them because they (still) have bad thoughts. (At least he fixed the problem!)
The mind of God is a frightening thing.
OK, so God drowned every person on earth except for Noah and his family. How many would that be?
Well, the flood was supposed to have happened about 2400 BCE, and the human population was somewhere around 20 million at the time. (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p. 344)
Not a bad start for a serial killer.
2. Abraham’s war to rescue Lot
Genesis 14.17
Estimated Number Killed: 1000
Anti-Sodomites
This is a story about two of God’s favorite people: Abraham and Lot.
God gave Abraham (He called him “Abram” back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.
The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13.14-15
Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.
Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. 13.5-6
So Lot decided to move to Sodom.
Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. 13.12
Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.
They took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14.12
That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.
And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. 14.14
And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to the left hand of Damascus.
He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. 14.15
Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.
And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. 14.16
When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought along some bread and wine.
The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. 14.17-18
(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)
Melchisedec … to whom Abraham gave a tenth part of all … without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7.1-3
And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.
Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. 14.20a
Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.
And he gave him tithes of all. 14.20b
A nice fee for such a puny prayer.
3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?
Genesis 19.24
Estimated Number Killed: 2,000
The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
You may have noticed that God, after his first mass murder (1), showed a bit of remorse for needlessly drowning pretty much everything on earth. He even promised to never “smite any more every thing living.” (Genesis 8.21)
And he kept his promise, too [if you ignore the anti-Sodomite slaughter (2)], for another ten chapters or so. But in the end, God couldn’t resist the temptation to kill again.
Abraham tried to talk him out of it, though. He and God and a couple of God’s friends had been hanging out all day together. But after getting their feet washed and eating a big meal, God and his friends decided it was time to go.
The LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day; And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground, And said … wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree … And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf … And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them … and they did eat. Genesis 18.1-8
They were heading off toward Sodom and Abraham decided he’d better tag along.
The men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. 18.16
As they were walking along, God said (to himself?), “Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?”
The LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do? 18.17
How’s that for weird? God asks himself if he should tell Abraham what he is about to do (which is, of course, kill everyone in two cities). He doesn’t know what to do. Is he afraid that Abe will talk him out of it? Or try to stop him? Or what? Or is he just embarrassed to be having bad thoughts again?
But God finally snaps out of it and tells Abraham what he’s up to. He has heard that the people in Sodom have sinned and he’s decided to go to Sodom and see for himself.
The LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous; I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know. 18. 20-21
Abraham was on to him right away. He said, “Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?”
Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? 18.23
God, who is in one of his moods, ignores him. So Abe starts to bargain. What if there are 50 good people in Sodom? Would you kill them, too? “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? … Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? 18.24-25
God says if he can find 50 good citizen
s of Sodom, he won’t kill everybody.
The LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes. 18.26
So Abe tries 45, and God says he wouldn’t kill everyone if there were 45.
Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it. 18.28
Abe keeps going this way (knowing that God is a tad slow). How about 40? 30? 20? 10? And each time God answers the same way: If he can find a few good men (well ten, anyway), he won’t kill the whole city.
He said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten’s sake. 18.32
And then God just takes off and Abraham goes home. “The LORD went his way … and Abraham returned unto his place.”
The LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place. 18.33
But God’s two friends (they’re called angels now) keep going to Sodom. Lot invites them in and gives them the usual God treatment (washes their feet and feeds them).
There came two angels to Sodom at even … and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant’s house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night. And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 19.1-3
Then a strange thing happened. (Strange things often happen in the Bible.) Every man in the city of Sodom came to Lot’s house and demanded to have sex with Lot’s two angel friends.
The men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them. 19.4-5
Man, those must have been some good-looking angels!
Lot’s response was to protect the angels (who you’d think could take care of themselves) by offering the sex-crazed mob his two virgin daughters instead.
Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. 19.8
[This is a man, by the way, whom the Bible calls “just and righteous” in 2 Peter 2:7-8. A few verses later he will get drunk and impregnate both his virgin daughters (see Genesis 19:30-38), but that’s another lovely Bible story.]
As it turns out, though, there is no time for Lot to make good on his kind offer because God is getting ready to commit another mass murder. The angels strike the Sodomites blind, and tell Lot, his virgin daughters (and their husbands!), and his wife to flee.
But the men … smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness … And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place … the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 19.10-13
And then all hell breaks loose.
The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. 19.24
OK, so that’s it. That is God’s second mass murder.
But how many people did God smash and burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, I, of course, have no idea. I don’t think any of this actually happened. But I’ll guess 2000, 1000 from each city.
4. Remember Lot’s wife (Forget Jesus)
Genesis 19.26
Number killed: 1
Lot’s Wife
Although this is God’s fourth killing event, it is the first of God’s 2,476,636 countable victims.
It’s interesting that God’s first countable victim is unnamed. God killed Mrs. Lot without even knowing (or at least telling us) her name.
And what was it that got God’s attention? What did she do that caused him to kill her?
She looked back at the place she had lived all her life. She looked back as her family, friends, and neighbors were being smashed and burned to death by God. She looked back.
But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. Genesis 19.26
And, of course, the angel told her not to.
The angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city. And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters … When they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee. 19.15-17
Or did he?
Who was the angel talking to here? To Lot alone or to him and his family? And if it was to Lot alone, did Lot tell his wife? Would it matter to God if no one bothered to tell her? Would he kill her anyway?
Who knows? Or cares? A God who would kill a woman for looking back as everyone she has ever known is being burned to death is a monster God. An arbitrary, random killer.
I have met Christians who ignore this story, as they ignore pretty much everything in the Old Testament. They sometimes call themselves “Red Letter Christians,” meaning that they base their beliefs on the words of Jesus.
But Jesus believed in the story about Sodom and Gomorrah; he believed in the story about Lot’s wife. He saw nothing wrong with any of it. In fact, he said that when he returns at the end of the world it will be just like that. You can check for yourself in your Red Letter Bible.
As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man. They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded; But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. Even thus shall it be in the day when the Son of man is revealed. … Remember Lot’s wife. Luke 17.26-32
Jesus had no problem with God’s first two mass murders [the flood of Noah (1) and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (3)], or with God’s killing of Lot’s wife. It’ll be just like that at the end of the world, if Jesus has anything to say about it. He is just as nasty as the Old Testament God. Maybe nastier.
So remember Lot’s wife. And forget Jesus.
5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
Genesis 38.7
Number killed: 1
Er
This is the first of God’s named murder victims.
We know his name (Er), his father’s name (Judah), his mother’s name (Shuah), and his wife’s name (Tamar).
Judah … saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er. … And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. Genesis 38.1-6
And we know that “he was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.” But that’s it.
Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. 38:7
God killed Er for doing something, but the Bible doesn’t say what it was.
So what did Er do?
Did he get drunk and lie around naked in his tent and then curse his unborn grandson (and all of his descendants) with slavery because his son saw him drunk and naked? No that was Noah, “a preacher of righteousness.” (Genesis 9.20-25, 2 Peter 2.5)
Did he abandon his first son to die in the desert and then show his willingness to murder his second son for God as a human sacrifice? No, that was Abraham, a friend of God. (Genesis 21.10-14, 22.2-12, James 2.23
)
Did he offer his two virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers and then get drunk and impregnate them? No that was Lot, a just and righteous man. (Genesis 19.8, 30-38, 2 Peter 2.7-8)
So what was it that pissed off God so much that he just had to kill him?
You’d think if it was important enough to kill him, it would be important enough to tell us why.
6. Onan spilled it on the ground(so the Lord killed him too)
Genesis 38.9-10
Number killed: 1
Onan
In his last killing (5), God killed Er for being wicked.
Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. Genesis 38.7
So Judah told Er’s brother, Onan, to have sex with his dead brother’s wife. (I guess Judah wanted a grandchild or something.)
Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife. 38.8
And Onan “went in unto” her alright, but before ejaculating he pulled out and “spilled it on the ground.”
Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground. 38.9
Then God, who was watching the whole thing, killed Onan for ejaculating outside the vagina of his dead brother’s wife.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. 38.10
This story is used by believers to justify their condemnation of everything from masturbation (which is sometimes called “Onanism”) to birth control.
But I think it’s just another nasty, amoral Bible story. If there is a moral to the story, though, I guess it is this: Be careful where you ejaculate.
7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine
Genesis 41.54-57
Estimated Number Killed: 70,000
World-wide famine victims
This one is all about Joseph. There’s a whole series of stupid Joseph stories in Genesis: Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children (Genesis 37.3); Joseph’s brothers throw him in a well (37.24); Joseph is rescued from the well and sold to the Ishmaelites (37.28); Joseph goes to prison after being falsely accused of rape (39.20); Joseph interprets the dream of his cellmate (40.8-19); Joseph interprets the Pharaoh’s dream (41.25-32); the Pharaoh makes Joseph the overseer of all of Egypt (41.33).