Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  The Bible isn’t too clear on this, but as near as I can tell, God starved everyone on earth so that Joseph could become the most powerful person in Egypt by interpreting the Pharaoh’s dream so that God could get the Israelites enslaved by Pharaoh and then rescue them by sending plagues on the Egyptians. Or something like that.

  OK. That all makes perfect sense. But what was the Pharaoh’s dream?

  Well, there were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows. The skinny cows ate the fat ones.

  And it came to pass … that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river. And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow. And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river. And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. So Pharaoh awoke. Genesis 41.1-4

  Then Pharaoh had another dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain ate seven fat ones.

  And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good. And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them. And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and, behold, it was a dream. 41.5-7

  Nobody could interpret Pharaoh’s dream. So they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple. God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine. And the famine would be world-wide and “very grievous.”

  This is the thing which … God is about to do.…There come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt: And there shall arise after them seven years of famine. … It shall be very grievous. … The thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass. 41.28-32

  Joseph said the Pharaoh should have the Egyptians store up food during the seven good years so they wouldn’t starve (like everyone else) during the bad.

  And it all happened just like Joseph said it would. The Pharaoh did what Joseph suggested and had Joseph oversee it all. And Joseph became the most powerful person in Egypt.

  So things worked out well for Joseph, but not so well for everyone else.

  When the famine struck, everyone on earth (including the Egyptians) had to buy their food from Joseph. If they couldn’t make it to Egypt or didn’t have enough money, they starved. It was all part of God’s plan.

  The seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands … And the famine was over all the face of the earth … And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands. 41.54-57

  But how many people starved to death during God’s seven year famine? I have no idea. But since the Bible says it was “over all the face of the earth” and was a “very grievous famine,” I figure it must have been at least 70,000 or so, 10,000 each year.

  8. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die

  Exodus 9.24-26

  Estimated Number Killed: 300,000

  Egyptians

  This is the seventh of the famous ten plagues of Egypt.

  Here are the first six:

  1. Rivers turn to blood. (Exodus 7.17-24)

  2. Frogs. (8.1-7)

  3. Lice. (8.16-19)

  4. Flies (8.21-24)

  5. All cattle in Egypt die. (9.3-6)

  6. Festering boils on man and beast. (9.9-10)

  The Bible doesn’t say whether anyone died from the first six plagues. Rivers of blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals as far as you can see, and boils covering every person and animal in Egypt. These things were no doubt unpleasant. But did it kill anyone? There’s just no way of knowing.

  But the Bible is clear about the seventh plague: hail.

  Upon every man and beast which shall be found in the field … the hail shall come down upon them, and they shall die. … So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous … And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. Exodus 9:19-25

  So God killed everybody in Egypt who was out and about that day with fire and hail (except Israelites).

  Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail. 9:26

  But how many people would that have been?

  Well, the Egyptian population is estimated to have been 3 million at the time the Exodus supposedly happened (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). So if maybe 10% of the Egyptians were in the field at the time, about 300 thousand would have been killed by God’s fiery hailstorm.

  9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt

  Exodus 12.29-30

  Estimated Number Killed: 500,000

  Firstborn Egyptians

  God starts planning this mass murder in Chapter 3 of Exodus, and he doesn’t stop talking about it until he kills every Egyptian firstborn child (and animal) in Exodus 12.

  Here was the way God planned it.

  On the night of the mass child murder, God told each Israelite family to find a year-old lamb without blemish, kill it, and wipe the blood on the top and sides of the door.

  In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb … without blemish, a male of the first year … And ye shall … kill it in the evening. And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses. Exodus 12.3-7

  That way when God came through Egypt looking for first born children and animals to kill, he would see the bloody door and “pass over” the house, saying to himself, “Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to kill any children or animals here.”

  For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast … and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, 12.12-13

  And that’s what happened.

  At midnight God passed through Egypt killing every Egyptian firstborn child and animal.

  At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. 12.29

  After God was done, there was not a single Egyptian house that didn’t have one dead child.

  And there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. 12.30

  Why did God do it?

  Well, it seems that he did it to show off.

  To show off his signs and wonders.

  I will … smite Egypt with all my wonders. 3.20

  I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. 7.3

  Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1

  The LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt. 11.9

  To introduce himself to the Egyptians.

  And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD. 7.5

  To show what he can do.

  Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh. 6.1

  To show that there is nobody else on earth quite like him.

  For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth. 9:14

  To make himself famous (so that everyone will know his name).

  That my name may be declared throughout all the earth. 9.16

  To give us a story to tell our children and grandchildren.

  That thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son’s son, what things I have wrought in Egypt. 10.2

  To show that the whole earth belongs to him.

  That thou mayest know how that the earth is the LORD’s. 9.29r />
  To prove that he is God.

  In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 7.17

  That ye may know how that I am the LORD. 10.2

  To show that he likes Israelites more than Egyptians.

  That ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel. 11.7

  And to punish the Egyptian Gods.

  Against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. 12.12

  Well, I guess those motives are about as good as any for a mass murder.

  In any case, God is clearly proud of this one. And it’s no wonder. It wasn’t all that easy to pull off, even for God.

  He had to harden the Pharaoh’s heart eight times to make it all work out as planned.

  1. I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4.21

  2. I will harden Pharaoh’s heart. 7.3

  3. He hardened Pharaoh’s heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. 7.13

  4. The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 9.12 5. The LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him. 10.1

  6. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go. 10.20

  7. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and he would not let them go. 10.27

  8. The LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. 11.10

  Some hearts are hard for even the Bible god to harden.

  So how many were killed in this killing? Well, the population of Egypt at the time the Exodus supposedly occurred was about 3 million (McEvedy and Jones 1978, p.226). If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a half million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).

  10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels

  Exodus 14.27-28

  Number Killed: At least 600

  Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

  God’s last mass murder pretty much did the trick. The night that God killed every firstborn Egyptian child and animal, Pharaoh told Moses to go.

  He called for Moses and Aaron by night, and said, Rise up, and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go, serve the LORD, as ye have said. Also take your flocks and your herds, as ye have said, and be gone; and bless me also. Exodus 12:31-32

  So Moses rounded up all three million or so Israelites, their flocks, herds, cattle, unleavened bread, and all the silver, gold, and clothes that they could steal from the Egyptians, and left town.

  The people took their dough before it was leavened … and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment … And they spoiled the Egyptians … about six hundred thousand on foot that were men, beside children … and flocks, and herds, even very much cattle. 12.34-38

  And everything would have ended happily ever after, too, if God could have resisted the temptation to harden the Pharaoh’s heart a few more times.

  You see, the Pharaoh’s heart was just too damned soft to suit God. So he set about hardening it a bit more. (He had to harden it 8 times in order to pull off his last killing.)

  I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. 14.4

  And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. 14.8

  I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. 14.17-18

  So God hardened Pharaoh’s heart some more and got himself a little more honor.

  Of course he had to kill some more Egyptians so that they would know that he is the Lord. Sometimes you have to kill people in order to get to know them better.

  So that’s what God did. And you saw the movie so you know the rest of the story. God parted the sea so the Israelites could cross and then drowned the Egyptian army.

  The LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians … and the LORD overthrew the Egyptians in the midst of the sea. … And the waters returned, and covered the chariots, and the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them; there remained not so much as one of them. 14.26-28

  But the part I like best they didn’t show in the movie. God got right out there with his wrenches and whatnot and removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. How cool is that?

  The LORD … took off their chariot wheels. 14.24-25

  That would have been fun to watch.

  OK. So how many Egyptians drowned to get God some more honor?

  Well, we know there were at least 600, since that’s how many chariots the Pharaoh sent after the Israelites.

  And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt, and captains over every one of them. 14.7

  But along with the chariots there were “horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh” that chased after the three million or so escaping slaves.

  So although I probably greatly underestimated the imaginary number, I guessed 5000.

  11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation

  Exodus 17.11-13

  Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

  Amalekites

  Before the Israelites had even left Egypt, they began to do what they do best: complain.

  They complain when they see the Pharaoh’s chariots.

  When Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid: and the children of Israel cried out unto the LORD. And they said unto Moses, Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness. Exodus 14.10-12

  They complain when they’re starving to death.

  The whole congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness: And the children of Israel said unto them, Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full; for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger. 16.2-3

  They complain when dying of thirst.

  There was no water for the people to drink. Wherefore the people did chide with Moses, and said, Give us water that we may drink. And Moses said unto them, Why chide ye with me? wherefore do ye tempt the LORD? And the people thirsted there for water; and the people murmured against Moses, and said, Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst? 17.1-3

  Before long, God will respond to their complaints with several mass murders. But we’ll leave that for another time.

  Because now it’s time for some Holy War.

  The Amalekites show up and the fight begins. God controls the whole thing with some remote control magic tricks. Every time Moses holds his hands up, the Amalekites are slaughtered by the Israelites. When he gets tired and lets his arms down, the situation is reversed.

  When Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 17.11

  Eventually they had to set some rocks under Moses’ arms to make sure that the right people got killed.

  But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands. 17.12

  But it all worked out just fine.

  Joshua discomfited Amalek a
nd his people with the edge of the sword. 17.13

  It’s too bad, though, that the Bible doesn’t say how many Amalekites died in this magical holy war, because now I’ll just have to guess.

  Oh heck, I’ll call it 1000.

  But God was far from done with the Amalekites. In fact, he is fighting with them still and commands us all to kill them wherever and whenever we see them.

  The LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Exodus 17.14

  The LORD hath sworn that the LORD will have war with Amalek from generation to generation. Exodus 17.16

  Thou shalt blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven; thou shalt not forget it. Deuteronomy 25:19

  So if you happen to see an Amalekite, you know what to do.

  12. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other

  Exodus 32.27-28

  Number Killed: 3,000

  Israelites

  In his previous killings, God killed indiscriminately. He drowned everyone and everything in the flood (1), smashed people with burning stones at Sodom and Gomorrah (3), and killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal just for the heck of it (9). So I guess we should be used to this sort of thing by now.

  But in this killing, God forces 3000 friends and family members to kill each other. That seems kind of nasty even for a very nasty god.

  Here are the gory details.

  Moses was up on Mount Sinai getting the Ten Commandments from God. Since he’d been gone so long (he’d been up there for 40 days) the people began to wonder if he’d ever come back. So they asked Aaron to make some other gods for them. Aaron thought that was a pretty good idea, so he

  Said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me … And … he had made it a molten calf. Exodus 32.2-4

  You might think that a bunch of runaway slaves wouldn’t have much gold. But God told them to steal whatever jewelry they could find from the Egyptians.

  The children of Israel did according to the word of Moses; and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment. … And they spoiled the Egyptians. 12.35-36