Drunk With Blood
Page 5
I guess God wanted them to have enough gold to make a golden calf. It was all part of his plan.
So the people gave Aaron their stolen gold and Aaron made a golden calf.
Now making a golden calf out of a pile of ear rings and a campfire might seem hard to you. But Aaron just threw them all onto a fire and out came a golden calf. Really.
I [Aaron] said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf. 32.24
It was a miracle. God (or Satan) made the golden calf when Aaron threw the jewelry on the fire.
In any case, when Moses came down from the mountain, he saw the people dancing naked (“for Aaron had made them naked“) around the golden calf.
Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked.) 32.25
So he smashed the stone tablets, burned the golden calf, ground it into a powder, sprinkled it on water, and then forced everyone (all 3 million of them) to drink it.
As soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses’ anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it. 32.19-20
But Moses was just getting started. Here’s what he said next:
Who is on the Lord’s side? …. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour … and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men. 32.26-28
So those on God’s side went out and killed 3000 of their friends, neighbors, and family members.
But God still wasn’t satisfied. When he first found out about the golden calf and the naked dancing he wanted to kill everyone and start over with a new batch of people.
The LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people: Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation. 32.9-10
But Moses talked him out of it, saying, “What would the Egyptians say?”
Moses besought the LORD his God and said … should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people. 32.11-12
Imagine that. Moses is a nicer guy than God. (See killing 26 for the implication here.)
13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
Exodus 32.35
Estimated Number Killed: 1,000
Israelites
In his last killing (12), God forced the Israelites to kill each other. (The Levites volunteered for the job of “being on the Lord’s side” by killing their family, friends, and neighbors for God.) The resulting death toll was 3000.
But this didn’t quite satisfy God. He needed to kill some more. So he sent a plague.
The LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. Exodus 32.35
The Bible doesn’t say how many people God killed in this plague. I’ll guess 1000.
14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”
Leviticus 10.1-2
Number killed: 2
Aaron’s sons: Nadab and Abihu
The story begins with Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, burning “strange fire before the Lord,” some kind of weird incense that God didn’t like very much.
Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. Leviticus 10.1
So God burned them to death.
And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. 10.2
And here’s what Moses said to Aaron afterwards.
Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. 10.3a
God burned Aaron’s sons alive so that God would “be sanctified in them” and so that he would “be glorified.”
That helps.
Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or God would kill him too, along with all the people.
Moses said unto Aaron …Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. 10.6
So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Aaron held his peace. 10.3b
15. A blasphemer is stoned to death
Leviticus 24.23
Number killed: 1
A blasphemer
Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python’s The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here’s what he says in his own defense:
I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, “That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.”
Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes.
The son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp; And the Israelitish woman’s son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. Leviticus 24.10-11a
So they brought him to Moses so he could ask God what to do about it.
They brought him unto Moses … that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them. 24.11b-12
God tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death.
The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. … He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death. 24.13-16
Then Moses tells the people what God told him to tell the people (to stone the blasphemer to death).
Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. 24.23a
And that’s what they did.
And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. 24.23b
As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, “Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!”
16. When the people complained, God burned them to death
Numbers 11.1
Estimated Number Killed: 100
Israelites
Here’s a fun little WTF Bible Story for you.
It all happens in just two verses.
When the people complained, it displeased the LORD. Numbers 11.1a
The Bible doesn’t say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around in the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? Having friends and family killed for no good reason? It doesn’t say.
But whatever it was, God heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.)
And the LORD heard it. 11.1b
So what do you think God did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?
Not quite. Here’s what he did.
His anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. 11.1c
I don’t know for sure, of course, but I think God was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. God teaches best when he teaches by example.
Finally the people beg Moses to make God stop. And God stopped burning p
eople to death.
The people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. 11:2
Don’t you just love happy endings?
(How many people did God burn to death in this episode? The Bible doesn’t say, so I just guessed 100.)
17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
Numbers 11.33
Estimated Number Killed: 10,000
Israelites
In his last killing (16), God burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach them a lesson: Don’t whine.
But if so, it didn’t work. Those that survived God’s fire immediately began to whine again, saying,
Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11.4-6
So Moses and God talk things over and God says he’ll give them meat, alright. He’ll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!
Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. 11.19-20
Where did God get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.
And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. 11.31
God coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter.
How many quail would that be?
Well, let’s see. The volume of a meter high cylinder with a diameter of 60 kilometers is about 3 billion cubic meters. Since there are 1000 liters in a cubic meter, that makes 3 trillion liters. If the average volume per quail was 1 liter (that would be a big quail), then there would have been 3 trillion dead quail covering the ground, a million or so for each of the several million Israelites.
So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this:
If you are hungry, just ask God to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But God will feed you.
Or that would be the moral, if it weren’t for the next verse.
While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. 11.33
So God fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with “a very great plague.”
Which means we need a new moral for this Bible Story: If you are hungry, don’t ask God for help. He’ll force you to eat food that you don’t like until it comes out your nose and then he’ll kill you in a plague.
God hates whiners.
(Since this was “a very great plague,” I put the death toll at 10,000.)
18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
Numbers 14.36-37
Number killed: 10
Honest scouts
OK, this one requires a bit of explanation.
The story begins in Numbers 13 where Moses sends out 12 scouts (one from each of the tribes of Israel) to check out the land of Canaan.
Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan … And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many. Numbers 13.17-18
So the twelve spies go and do that.
When they return, one of the spies (Caleb) says,
Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. 13.30
But the other ten (the Bible doesn’t say what Joshua said) disagree.
The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. 13.32-33
So Caleb (and Joshua?) say it would be easy to take over the land of Canaan, while the other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison to them.)
When the people heard the reports, they believed the giant story and were a bit discouraged. So they decided to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt.
All the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! … And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. 14.1-4
When Moses and Aaron hear this, they fell on their faces.
Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces. 14.5
Joshua and Caleb tear their clothes.
Joshua … and Caleb … rent their clothes. 14.6
And try to talk the people out of it.
…saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. 14:7-8
But the people weren’t buying it. They didn’t want to fight any God-damned giants. So they decide to stone Joshua and Caleb (with stones).
All the congregation bade stone them with stones. 14.10a
And then God, in all his glory, shows up.
The glory of the LORD appeared … before all the children of Israel. 14.10b
He tells Moses that he’s sick of their whining, so he’s going to kill them all. He’ll smite them with the pestilence and then make some better people to replace them. People who wouldn’t whine so damned much.
The LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? … I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they. 14.11-12
But Moses talks him out of it (like he did in killing #12). He says the Egyptians will hear about it and say that God couldn’t get the people to obey him so he had to kill them all. How would that look to the neighbors?
Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it … And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land … Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness. 14.13-16
So God decided not to kill everyone. Not yet, anyway. But he’ll make sure that all their carcasses rot in the wilderness (at least all those that are over 20 years old).
Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me … But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years … the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die. 14.29-35
And that would have been the end of the story, except that God was still pissed off about those ten scouts, even though they were just doing their jobs. (“To spy out the land of Canaan … And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many.”) So he killed them in a plague.
And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land, Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. 14.36-37
19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day
Numbers 15.35-36
Number killed:
1
A Sabbath breaker
This one is pretty simple.
A man is caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath day.
While the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day. Numbers 15.32
The people ask Moses what to do about it.
They … brought him unto Moses and Aaron … because it was not declared what should be done to him. 15.33-34
God tells Moses that everyone must stone the Sabbath breaker to death.
The LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones. 15.35
So that’s what they do.
All the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. 15.36
Immediately after the stoning, God gets down to some more important business—like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments.
The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue. 15.37-38
You see, God wants us to put fringes on our garments so that when we see the purple fringes we’ll say to ourselves, “Oh yeah, I’m supposed to follow all of God’s laws.”
It shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them. 15.39a
That way, when we see someone working on the Sabbath, we’ll remember to stone him or her to death, on the spot, instead of following our own heart.
That ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes. 15.39b
People who follow their hearts seldom stone people to death.
20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)
Numbers 16.31-33
Estimated Number Killed: At least 9
Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families
Our story begins with Korah and his companions confronting Moses. Here’s what they say to him:
Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16.3