Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. 1 Kings 20.35a

  The neighbor refused.

  And the man refused to smite him. 20.35b

  So God sent a lion to kill him.

  Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 20.36

  It turns out, though, that there was some reason for the prophet’s madness. The prophet wanted a good disguise when he met King Ahab, and he figured a wound would help. So he wanted his neighbor to cut his face, so he could put a bandage on it, so King Ahab wouldn’t recognize him when he saw him. Or something like that.

  (I don’t know why the prophet couldn’t just put a bandage on his face or a bag over his head to disguise himself. And I’m not sure why the disguise was necessary anyway. But I guess it was all very important to God.)

  Anyway, the batshit crazy prophet found another guy who was willing to smite him.

  Then he found another man, and said, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man smote him, so that in smiting he wounded him. 20.37

  And so the prophet got his costume ready for his meeting with King Ahab.

  So the prophet departed, and waited for the king by the way, and disguised himself with ashes upon his face. 20.38

  Which leads us to God’s next killing.

  98. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

  1 Kings 20.39-42, 22.35

  Number Killed: 1

  Ahab

  In God’s last killing (97), he sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet when the prophet asked him to. But the next guy that came along was willing to do it, so the prophet was able to put ashes on his face and have a proper disguise for his meeting with King Ahab.

  When King Ahab passed by, the prophet (with his cool disguise) said to him:

  Thy servant went out into the midst of the battle; and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man unto me, and said, Keep this man: if by any means he be missing, then shall thy life be for his life, or else thou shalt pay a talent of silver. And as thy servant was busy here and there, he was gone. 1 Kings 20.39-40a

  Which, of course, was complete bullshit. God’s prophet was not only crazy, but a liar, as well.

  King Ahab played along though, and said, “OK, whatever.”

  The king of Israel said unto him, So shall thy judgment be; thyself hast decided it. 20:40b

  Then the prophet wiped off the ashes on his face and revealed his true identity. He was a prophet! (It’s really hard to tell a prophet when he has ashes on his face.)

  He … took the ashes away from his face; and the king of Israel discerned him that he was of the prophets. 20.41

  And then the prophet told King Ahab the bad news. God was going to kill the king (and his family, of course) for letting king Benhadad live. (See 1 Kings 20.34 and note at the end of 96)

  Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people. 20.42

  And that’s what happened. God carefully arranged things so that King Ahab would die while fighting the Syrians.

  The battle increased that day: and the king [Ahab] was stayed up in his chariot against the Syrians, and died at even: and the blood ran out of the wound into the midst of the chariot. 22.35

  And that is God’s last killing in 1 Kings 20. (Five in one chapter!)

  99. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

  2 Kings 1.10-12

  Number Killed: 102

  Israelites messengers

  King Ahaziah (of Israel) became ill after falling though a lattice floor. So he sent some messengers to ask Baalzebub if he would recover.

  Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. 2 Kings 1.2

  Then an angel told Elijah to tell some messengers to tell Ahaziah that God would kill him for asking the wrong god.

  The angel … said to Elijah … Arise, go up to meet the messengers … and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now therefore thus saith the LORD, Thou shalt not come down from that bed … but shalt surely die. 1.3-4

  So the messengers delivered the message to King Ahaziah.

  The messengers … said unto him, There came a man up to meet us, and said unto us, Go, turn again unto the king that sent you, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that thou sendest to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? therefore thou shalt not come down from that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.5-6

  Ahaziah asked them what the guy who gave them the message looked like. They said he was “a hairy man” with “leather about his loins.”

  What manner of man was he which came up to meet you, and told you these words? And they answered him, He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. 1.7-8

  When the king heard that, he knew it was Elijah. Nobody dresses like Elijah!

  He said, It is Elijah. 1.8b

  So the king sent a captain and fifty men to go find Elijah. They found him sitting on top of a hill and said to him, “Come down.”

  Then the king sent unto him a captain of fifty with his fifty. And he went up to him: and, behold, he sat on the top of an hill. And he spake unto him, Thou man of God, the king hath said, Come down. 1.9

  Which was the wrong thing to say, judging from Elijah’s response.

  Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.10a

  And that’s what happened. Fire came down from heaven and burned the 51 guys to death.

  There came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.10b

  I’m not sure how Ahaziah found out about all this, but he did, and he sent another captain and 50 men to try again.

  Again also he sent unto him another captain of fifty with his fifty. 1.11a

  They found Elijah sitting on top of the same hill and the captain told him the same thing: “Come down quickly.” (I guess they added the quickly for emphasis.)

  He … said unto him, O man of God, thus hath the king said, Come down quickly. 1.11b

  Elijah responded in the usual way.

  Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.12a

  You probably can guess what happened next.

  The fire of God came down from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.12b

  Once again the king found out what had happened. So he sent another captain with 50 men. (He figured it worked out well the first two times.)

  He sent again a captain of the third fifty with his fifty. 1.13a

  But this time the captain didn’t ask Elijah to come down. He got on his knees and groveled in front of Elijah, begging him not to burn him to death.

  The third captain of fifty went up, and came and fell on his knees before Elijah … and said unto him, O man of God, I pray thee, let my life, and the life of these fifty thy servants, be precious in thy sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties: therefore let my life now be precious in thy sight. 1.13b-14

  And that worked a lot better. An angel of the Lord told Elijah to go down with them to see Ahaziah. And he did.

  The angel of the LORD said unto Elijah, Go down with him: be not afraid of him. And he arose, and went down with him unto the king. 1.15

  So the moral of the story is this: If you see a hairy man dressed in a leather l
oin cloth sitting on top of a hill, don’t ask him to come down (unless you grovel first) or God will burn you to death.

  100. God killed Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong God

  2 Kings 1.16-17

  Number Killed: 1

  Ahaziah of Israel

  In his last killing (99), God burned 102 men to death (in two shifts of 51 each) for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. The problem, I guess, was not so much in what they asked, but in how they asked it. The first two times, the captain asked directly, and God burned them all to death. The third time the captain groveled first and asked later, and that worked out fine. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

  There was a reason, though, that Ahaziah wanted Elijah to come down from his hill. He wanted to ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to recover from his illness. And now that the third group of 51 got Elijah to come down from his hill, Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God about it.

  [But Elijah had already told Ahaziah (via messengers) back in 2 Kings 1.6 that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god, so I don’t know why he had to send the three sets of 51 to asked Elijah again. I guess he wanted Elijah to come down and give him the message directly.]

  In any case, Elijah came down the mountain to talk to the king.

  He arose, and went down with him unto the king. 2 Kings 1.15

  Here’s what Elijah told the king (again).

  Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast sent messengers to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to enquire of his word? therefore thou shalt not come down off that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.16

  And in the next verse, King Ahaziah dies “according to the word of the Lord.”

  So he died according to the word of the LORD which Elijah had spoken. 1.17

  101. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

  2 Kings 2.23-24

  Number Killed: 42

  Boys

  After Elijah went up to heaven in a chariot of fire, his disciple, Elisha, put on Elijah’s mantle and started to perform miracles of his own. First he parted the Jordan River by slapping it with Elijah’s mantle, and then he healed some water by adding a bit of salt.

  Then he decided to go to Bethel.

  While he was walking along, a group of 42 young boys started to make fun of Elisha’s bald head.

  As he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2.23

  So Elisha decided to try his new-found prophet powers by cursing the little buggers in the name of the Lord. Then he stood back to watch what would happen.

  He turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2.24a

  What happened must have been hard to watch. Two she bears came out of the woods and tore all 42 boys apart.

  There came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2.24b

  The Bible doesn’t say how Elisha reacted to the slaughter. It just says that he kept going on his journey to Bethel.

  He went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria. 2.25

  I bet God got a kick out of the whole thing, though. He’s the type.

  102. The Lord delivered the Moabites

  2 Kings 3.24-25

  Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

  Moabites

  This is a boring one. But since the Bible gives God the credit for this killing, so will I.

  Here’s the story.

  Elisha tells the Israelites that God will deliver the Moabites into their hand.

  The LORD … will deliver the Moabites … into your hand. 2 Kings 3.18

  And when he does, God wants the Israelites to chop down the trees, ruin the wells, and destroy the land.

  Ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. 3.19

  So the Israelites kill the Moabites, their trees and crops, and ruin their cities and wells.

  The Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites … And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees. 3.24-25

  Finally, the Moabite king sacrificed his son as a burnt offering in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. And it seemed to work, too, since the Israelites stopped killing after that.

  Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to their own land. 3.27

  Since God helped the Israelites smite several Moabite cities, I’ll guess 1000 Moabites were killed in five cities, for a total of 5000.

  103. A skeptic is trampled to death

  2 Kings 7.17-20

  Number Killed: 1

  A skeptical officer

  There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey’s head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)

  There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25

  Women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other’s sons.

  This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28-29

  But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)

  Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1

  An officer overheard Elisha’s forecast for the commodities market, and he didn’t believe it. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn’t fall so much in a single day.

  Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a

  Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn’t be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he’d be dead.)

  Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b

  Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.

  The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6

  So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.

  Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7

  And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.

  So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16

  And what happened to the skeptical officer?

  He was trampled to death.

  And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people tr
ode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said … And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20

  (I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)

  104. God’s seven year famine

  2 Kings 8.1

  Estimated Number Killed: 7,000

  Israelites

  Well, there’s not much to say about this one. It all happens in a single verse.

  Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. 2 Kings 8.1

  God called for a seven year famine. The Bible doesn’t say why God did this. But I guess God can starve people to death if he wants to, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

  The Bible doesn’t say how many starved in God’s seven year famine, so I’ll just guess 7000, 1000 per year.

  105. Jehoram of Israel

  2 Kings 9.24-26

  Number Killed: 1

  Jehoram of Israel

  Remember back in God’s 98th killing when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab’s family to kill. It was his way of paying it forward.

  The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of “the children of the prophets” and told him to “gird his loins,” get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you’re in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)

  Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil … And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu … and … take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9.1-3

  So that’s what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.

  So the young man, even the young man the prophet … arose, and went into the house; and he poured the oil on his head, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I have anointed thee king over the people of the LORD, even over Israel. 9.4-6