Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.

  Thus saith the LORD God … thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 9.6-7

  Just in case it wasn’t clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab’s family, especially those that had ever “pissed against a wall.”

  For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 9.8

  He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam’s (88), 89) and Baasha’s (90). He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab’s family.

  I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam … and Baasha. 9.9

  But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab’s wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.

  The dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 9.10

  And that was the end of the message from God.

  So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God’s killings. When people saw him coming, they’d say, “That must be Jehu because he’s driving like crazy.” (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)

  And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 9.20

  It wasn’t long before Jehu found God’s first victim: Ahab’s son, Jehoram of Israel—a wall-pisser if there ever was one!

  So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, “according to the word of the Lord.”

  Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart … Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain … cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 9.24-26

  And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab’s family.

  Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.

  106. Jezebel

  2 Kings 9.33

  Number Killed: 1

  Jezebel

  Next on God’s hit list for Jehu was Jezebel. So he drove his chariot over to her house.

  When she heard Jehu was coming, she put on her make-up and sat by the window.

  When Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window. 2 Kings 9.30

  As he entered the gate, she said, “Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?”, referring to Zimri’s murder of king Baasha and his family (90).

  As Jehu entered in at the gate, she said, Had Zimri peace, who slew his master? 9.31

  Jehu poked his head in the window and said to Jezebel’s eunuchs, “Who is on my side?”

  He lifted up his face to the window, and said, Who is on my side? who? And there looked out to him two or three eunuchs. 9.32

  And then, “Throw her down.”

  And he said, Throw her down. 9.33a

  So the eunuchs threw her out the window, where she was trampled by horses, her blood splattering everywhere.

  So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot. 9.33b

  Then Jehu went off to eat and drink, telling his people to go take a look the “cursed woman” and then bury her.

  When he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king’s daughter. 9.34

  But when they went to bury her, they couldn’t find her, at least not very much of her. Dogs had already eaten everything except her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands.

  And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands. 9.35

  Which, of course, is just like God said it would be. Jezebel would be eaten by dogs and her body would be treated like shit.

  This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field 9.36-37

  107. Ahab’s sons: Seventy heads in two heaps

  2 Kings 10.7

  Number Killed: 70

  Ahab’s sons

  Jehu was on a mission from God. (Like Anton Chigurh in “No Country for Old Men,” but without the coin tosses.)

  First he killed one of Ahab’s sons, Jehoram (105). Then he killed Ahab’s wife, Jezebel (106). Now it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab’s family.

  He started by writing letters to the rulers of Jezreel challenging them fight for Ahab’s sons.

  Ahab had seventy sons in Samaria. And Jehu wrote letters, and sent to Samaria, unto the rulers of Jezreel, to the elders, and to them that brought up Ahab’s children, saying … fight for your master’s house. 2 Kings 10.1-3

  But they were intimidated by Jehu (they’d probably heard about his previous murders) and said that they would do whatever he wanted.

  But they were exceedingly afraid, and said … We are thy servants, and will do all that thou shalt bid us; we will not make any king: do thou that which is good in thine eyes. 10.4-5

  So Jehu wrote another letter telling them what he wanted: Bring him the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons tomorrow.

  Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying … take ye the heads of the men your master’s sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king’s sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up. 10.6

  And that’s what they did. They killed Ahab’s 70 sons, put the heads in baskets, and brought them to Jehu.

  When the letter came to them, that they took the king’s sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel. 10.7

  When Jehu heard that the heads had arrived, he said to put them in two heaps at the city gate and let them stay there overnight.

  There came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king’s sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 10.8

  The next morning Jehu went out and told the people that “the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah.”

  In the morning, that he went out, and stood, and said … the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah. 10.9-10

  (Elijah … answered … Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 21.20-21)

  But there were still others that God wanted Jehu to visit.

  108. Ahab’s hometown family, friends, and priests

  2 Kings 10.11

  Estimated Number Killed: 20

  Ahab’s family, friends, and priests

  In God’s last killing (107), the chicken-shit leaders of Jezreel sent Jehu the heads of Ahab’s sons, all 70 of them.

  But that didn’t quite satisfy Jehu. He had his orders from God, given to him by Elisha when Jehu was made king.

  Thus saith the LORD God … thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master … The whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall ….And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam … and Baasha … And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9.6-10

  So although he was off to a good start, having killed Ahab’s son, Jehoram (105), Ahab’s wife, Jezebel (106), and 70 of Ahab’s sons (107), there still might be a few wall-pissing family or friends of Ahab left to kill.

  The first place that Jehu looked was Ahab’s old hometown, Jezreel. He searched the town and found all of Ahab’s fa
mily, friends, and priests—whoever that was associated somehow with Ahab and might also have pissed against a wall at one time or another.

  And then he killed them all.

  So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 10.11

  Then he took his search elsewhere.

  The text doesn’t say how many of Ahab’s family and friends were killed in Jezreel. I’ll just say 20.

  109. Jehu killed Ahaziah’s family

  2 Kings 10.14

  Number Killed: 42

  Ahaziah’s family

  After Jehu killed what remained of Ahab’s family in Jezreel (108), he went to Samaria and met with the family of Ahaziah (of Judah).

  He arose and departed, and came to Samaria. And … met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are ye? And they answered, We are the brethren of Ahaziah; and we go down to salute the children of the king and the children of the queen. 2 Kings 10.12-13

  It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all the attendees.

  And he said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them. 10.14

  That’s all that 2 Kings says about it. But the killing is also covered in 2 Chronicles.

  The destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him. 2 Chronicles 22.7-9

  So we know that the killing of Ahaziah’s 42 relatives was “of God”—which means that God approved of these killings.

  110. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab’s family

  2 Kings 10.17

  Estimated Number Killed: 20

  The rest of Ahab’s family

  After meeting with Ahaziah’s family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way he ran across and old friend, Jehonadab.

  Jehu asked Jehonadab, “Is your heart as true to mine as mine is to yours?” And Jehonadab said, “It is.” (They were really good friends.)

  When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab … coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. 2 Kings 10.15a

  Then Jehu said, “If it is, give me your hand.” (This is getting so romantic!)

  If it be, give me thine hand. 10.15b

  So Jehu reached out his hand and took Jehonadab into the chariot.

  And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. 10.15c

  When Jehonadab and Jehu were finally together, Jehu said, “Come with me, and see my zeal for the Lord.”

  He said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. 10.16

  Then the two men, whose hearts were true to each other, rode off into the sunset toward Samaria.

  When they arrived in Samaria, they slaughtered the rest of Ahab’s family, “according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah.”

  When he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 10.17

  And by so doing, the true-hearted partners expressed their zeal for the Lord.

  The Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, so I just guessed 20.

  111. Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all

  2 Kings 10.25

  Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

  Followers of Baal

  After Jehu finished killing Ahab’s family in Samaria (110), he called an assembly to worship Baal.

  Jehu gathered all the people together, and said unto them, Ahab served Baal a little; but Jehu shall serve him much. 2 Kings 10.18

  Jehu said that he would lead the sacrifice to Baal and any follower of Baal that did not come would be killed.

  Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of Baal, all his servants, and all his priests; let none be wanting: for I have a great sacrifice to do to Baal; whosoever shall be wanting, he shall not live. 10.19a

  But he was lying, of course. He assembled the followers of Baal, not to worship Baal with them as he said, but to kill them all.

  But Jehu did it in subtilty … that he might destroy the worshippers of Baal. 10.19b

  So Jehu called the assembly.

  Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. 10.20-21

  Then he told 80 of his men to kill of the worshipers of Baal, saying he’d kill whoever let any escape.

  When they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings, Jehu appointed fourscore men without, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him. 10.24

  When Jehu finished his sacrifice to Baal, he ordered the sacrifice of all of the followers of Baal.

  As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 10.25

  God approved of this and all of Jehu’s previous mass murders. He liked them so much, in fact, that Jehu’s sons would be kings of Israel for the next four generations.

  The LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 10.30

  (The Bible doesn’t say how many followers of Baal Jehu killed. I’ll guess 1000.)

  112. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

  2 Kings 11.18-20

  Number Killed: 2

  Mattan the priest of Baal and Athaliah

  The high priest Jehoiada arranged an agreement between God, the king, and the people. The king and the people would be God’s people.

  Jehoiada made a covenant between the LORD and the king and the people, that they should be the LORD’s people; between the king also and the people. 2 Kings 11.17

  And as God’s people, they would destroy the religious symbols of all other Gods, and kill their priests. So God’s people went into a murderous rampage. They started by killing Mattan, the priest of Baal, at the altar.

  All the people of the land went into the house of Baal, and brake it down; his altars and his images brake they in pieces thoroughly, and slew Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars. 11.18

  And finished by killing Queen Athaliah.

  And all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was in quiet: and they slew Athaliah with the sword beside the king’s house. 11.20

  113. God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough

  2 Kings 17.25-26

  Estimated Number killed: 10

  People that didn’t fear the Lord

  God wants you to fear him. If you don’t fear him enough, he’ll do something to make you afraid of him. Like send lions to eat you.

  They feared not the LORD: therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17.25

  He also likes you to obey his laws, even if you’ve never heard of them before. If you are unfamiliar with his laws or don’t follow them properly, he’ll send lions to eat you.

  The nations which … know not the man
ner of the God of the land: therefore he hath sent lions among them, and, behold, they slay them, because they know not the manner of the God of the land. 17.26

  I just thought you should know that.

  (The Bible only says that God’s lions killed “some of them.” I’ll guess that there were 10 that were eaten by lions.)

  114. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

  2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

  Number killed: 185,000

  Sleeping Assyrian soldiers

  Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).

  185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning “behold, they were all dead.”

  The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

  They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), “Shucks, I’m dead.”

  115. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

  2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38

  Number Killed: 1

  Sennacherib

  Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he “rent his clothes.”

  And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19.1, Isaiah 37.1

  You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be “eating their own dung and drinking their own piss.”

  But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18.27, Isaiah 36.12

  So Hezekiah, who didn’t much like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or “a blast” in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will “hear a rumor” to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.