Drunk With Blood
Page 22
Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he’ll curse you to your face, Big Guy.
But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. 1.11
So God said, “You’re on, Satan. Go back down to earth and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don’t do anything to him.”
The LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. 1.12a
So Satan left God’s place and, presumably (although the Bible doesn’t actually say so), went down to earth to visit Job.
So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. 1.12b
When Satan got down to earth, he found Job’s children partying, as usual.
There was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house: 1.13
And then all hell broke loose.
A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves (“servants” in the KJV).
There came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.14-15
And then, while Job was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that “a fire from God had fallen from heaven” and burned up Job’s sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).
While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.16
And then while the second messenger was speaking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the party house, killing all of Job’s children. (These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)
While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. 1.18-19
After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.
Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. 1.20
Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.
And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 1.21
God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn’t blame God.
In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. 1.22
But God was to blame, even if Job didn’t have the guts to say so.
We know that God and Satan killed Job’s seven sons and three daughters. But Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God’s bet with Satan, although the Bible doesn’t say how many. I’ll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).
131. Hananiah
Jeremiah 28.15-17
Number Killed: 1
Hananiah
Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by God. Remember how God sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet’s lie (87)? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet (97)? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.
The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. God was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.
Hananiah … the prophet … spake … in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years … I will bring again to this place … all the captives of Judah … for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4
Which contradicted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar’s absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah’s good news was anathema to him.
Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.
Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD’s house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6
Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah’s silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.
Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah’s neck, and brake it. 28.10
And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah’s exile within two years.
And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years. 28.11
Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later God told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.
Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD … I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14
Oh, yeah, and that within a year God would kill him.
Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16
And, by golly, that’s what happened.
So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17
132. Ezekiel’s wife
Ezekiel 24.16-18
Number Killed: 1
Ezekiel’s wife
I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing.
God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.
Thus saith the Lord GOD … Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! … That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. … Woe to the bloody city! … Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned … that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. … I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14
So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.
Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel’s wife.
Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. 24:15-16a
Now, I don’t think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel’s wife “with a stroke.” Here’s how the Revised Standard Version puts it.
Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke.” 24:16a (SRV)
So although we don’t know how, we do know he’s going to kill her right away, “in a stroke.”
And when he does, God doesn’t want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He’s not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, unbind
the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.
Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. 24:16b-17
And that’s what happened. God killed Ezekiel’s wife and Ezekiel didn’t give a shit.
My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. 24:18
Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, just like Ezekiel didn’t mourn his wife when God killed her.
The word of the LORD came unto me, saying … your sons and your daughters … shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep … Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. 24:20-24
Well, now, that’s a point worth killing for, isn’t it?
133. Ananias and Sapphira
Acts 5.5-10
Number Killed: 2
Ananias and Sapphira
Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles, and kept the rest.
Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles’ feet. Acts 5:1-2
The bible doesn’t say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.
But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn’t enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.
Peter accused Ananias of getting his heart filled up with Satan and lying to the Holy Ghost. Why? Because Ananias didn’t give Peter all of the money from the sale of his property.
But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5:3-4
I don’t know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this “lie to the Holy Ghost” thing? So far, Ananias hasn’t said a thing. Don’t your lips have to move when you lie?
Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don’t give all of your money to the church.
In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.
Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. 5:5
A few hours later, they brought in Sapphira, who didn’t yet know what had happened to her husband.
It was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 5:7
Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.
Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 5:8
Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.
Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 5:9
After hearing Peter’s words, she fell down dead. And the “young men” came in to bury her.
Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 5:10
And it scared the shekels out of everyone in the church.
And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. 5:11
134. Herod Aggripa
Acts 12.23
Number Killed: 1
Herod Aggripa
One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.
Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21
The Bible doesn’t tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, “this is the voice of a god, not a man.”
The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22
But God didn’t like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.
Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a
And then God fed King Herod to the worms.
And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b
(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)
135. Jesus
Romans 8.32, 1 Peter 1.18-20
Number Killed: 1
Jesus
You’ve heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.
The story is known too well already. So I’m not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know about it.
1. God killed his own son.
He … spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32
2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.
Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things … But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20
It’s hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.
“He that spared not his own son” shouldn’t be trusted by anyone.
Afterword
Now that I’ve told you these stories, I have a confession to make.
I don’t believe that any of these killings actually happened (with the possible exception of the last one). There was no world-wide flood of Noah, no fiery serpents, no prophet-eating lions, no children-killing bears, no divinely-fashioned hemorrhoids, no rotting body-part messages, no giants for God to kill. Samson didn’t kill thirty men for their clothes, David didn’t buy a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins, and Jehu didn’t murder entire families for God. And although Jesus may have been executed by the Romans, God had nothing to do with it. God is, in fact, entirely innocent of all of the murders described in this book, insofar as an imaginary being can be innocent or guilty of anything.
I suspect that most Bible believers would like to agree with me on this (that God is innocent—not that he doesn’t exist). But they can’t have it both ways. If they believe in the Bible, they also believe in God’s killings.
And yet believers have found a creative (if somewhat lazy and dishonest) way around the problem: either they don’t read the Bible or they ignore the parts that are disturbing. It’s easier to believe in cruel, nasty, and absurd things if you don’t know that they exist.
But that only works when non-believers are as ignorant and dishonest about the Bible as believers tend to be. As the Bible becomes better known, people will know better than to believe in it. And believers will be rightfully embarrassed by their own belief.
I hope that this book helps to make that day come a little sooner.
A list of God’s killings
with biblical numbers and estimates
1. The Flood of Noah: All Flesh Died That Moved Upon the Earth
Estimate: 20 million
2. Abraham’s war to rescue Lot
/> Estimate: 1000
3. Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?
Estimate: 2000
4. Remember Lot’s Wife (Forget Jesus)
1
5. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
1
6. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)
1
7. God’s seven year, world-wide famine
Estimate: 70,000
8. The Seventh Plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die
Estimate: 300,000
9. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt
Estimate: 500,000
10. The Lord took off their chariot wheels
At least 600
Estimate: 5000
11. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation
Estimate: 1000
12. Who is on the Lord’s side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other
3000
13. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
Estimate: 1000
14. God burns Aaron’s sons to death for offering “strange fire”
2
15. A blasphemer is stoned to death
1
16. When the people complained, God burned them to death
Estimate: 100
17. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
Estimate: 10,000
18. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
10
19. A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day
1
20. The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)
At least 3
Estimate: 9
21. God burns 250 people to death for burning incense
250
22. God killed 14,700 people for complaining about God’s killings
14,700