Even Sinners Have Souls TOO

by Joy, E. n.

  "Start what?" Percy asked with a perplexed look plastered on his aged face.

  "Telling you who you are. In the time I've known you, all you've done is take from me and my kids," shouted Kanesha angrily.

  "Witch, I ain't took nothin' from you. You ain't got nothin' fo nobody to take."

  "Oh, I got a roof over ya head, I got a bed fo you to lay in every night. I got a couch for you to engrave a butt groove in." Kanesha picked up the couch cushion and threw it on the floor. "I got food fo’ you to eat-up, gas, lights and water for ya use. Now, what ya old butt got besides arthritis in your back? You can't even please me the right way."

  "Look, Kanesha, you need to calm down so we can straighten this out. I know you mad, but I'm gon' pay you back." Percy offered another empty promise in a pleading voice.

  "When, partner, and with what? You been not lookin' for a job since I met you and ya bill is past due and got interest applied to it."

  "Kanesha, baby, I got a job lined up this week. I'm just waiting for him to get at me."

  "Get at you? Shoot, you forty something years old and ain't figured out yet that you have to get at a job; a job don't get at you."

  "I'ma pay you everything and some. I just need a little more time," begged Percy.

  "You ain't done anything for me since you followed me home like a lost puppy. Got my stupid behind walking around with a black eye and sore jaw! Now you jeopardizing my job and keeping me from providing for my babies. I'm straight on ya sorry, butt. I finally realize that I can do bad all by myself," fired Kanesha.

  She stood and glared into Percy's eyes waiting for his comeback. When none came, Kanesha figured he was done pleading and begging for another chance. Kanesha was fully prepared for what came next.

  "To heck with you and all dem kids you got. Call they daddy, I mean daddies, for whatever it is they need. Oh, that's right; it's one Dad for each bastard child. Forget you and dem kids."

  Bam!

  Kanesha knocked Percy in the chest with a baseball bat she had been holding behind her. Percy had hit her once and gotten away with it, but Kanesha would commit herself to the nut house before she allowed it to happen again without a fight.

  Percy caught himself from falling by holding on to the wall behind him. After catching his balance, Percy smacked Kanesha, causing her to stumble.

  "Aw, punk, you done lost ya mind!" shouted Byron. Kanesha and Percy had been so caught up in their argument, that neither of them heard Byron and Brianna come into the house.

  Byron body slammed Percy and began punching him with as much force as he could muster.

  "Sucker, I'll kill you over mine," proclaimed Byron. He continued to pummel Percy as all four kids began crying and screaming at the sight. "What, partner? Hit me da way you hit a woman! What, partner, what?"

  "Daddy, Daddy stop. Please stop," cried Brianna.

  "Mommy, do something, he's going to kill him," begged Shakayla.

  Jordan cried because his sisters were crying. Malisha smiled at the sight because she never liked Percy. He was mean to her, and her sisters, and brother. Plus, he was always grumpy.

  Percy lay on the hardwood floor with blood oozing from his mouth, nose and ears.

  "Stop, please make it stop, Mommy!" Brianna screamed.

  "Byron, stop! Stop, Byron, he got the message," Kanesha reluctantly said. She was grateful for Byron's arrival and thanked God that he cared enough about her to intervene.

  "Get out and you betta go a different way than the one I take 'cause if I ever see you again, it will take a DNA test to identify ya sorry behind!" Byron stood just inches away from Percy as he spoke. Though he didn't want to upset the kids any further, Byron hoped Percy would make a wrong move so he would have a reason to beat his weak opponent some more.

  Percy stumbled over and over before he was finally able to stand on his feet. A trail of blood followed him as he walked toward the door Kanesha proudly held open for him.

  After throwing the drawer holding all of Percy's worldly possessions out on the lawn, Kanesha and Byron calmed the children down. It took two hours to convince the kids that Percy was not coming back and that they were safe. The kids only fell asleep after Byron promised to stay the night and watch out for them.

  Kanesha felt like a complete and total failure after seeing the light by which her daughters saw her. For the past nine years, Kanesha made herself believe she was being a good mother. She had always fed and kept them clean, made sacrifices for them, made certain they had all of their shots and worked hard every year to give them a Christmas to be proud of. Over the years, she colored with them, played jump rope and dribbled basketballs. In her heart, Kanesha thought she was giving her best to them, but she had just received a complete eye opener.

  Having her children look up to her was important. She wanted to be their hero, the back bone and the shining light in their lives. She wanted to provide her children with the type of life her parents had given her. A life free of financial worries and the belief that all blessings shower down from the heavens above. Before the car crash and the tragic death of her father, the Brooks family was very active in their church. Kanesha had been a member of the youth choir and volunteered in the church nursery during Sunday morning devotion.

  Cynthia did the best she could to teach Kanesha how to lean on God during their grieving, but Kanesha's anger toward Him was blinding. Instead of turning toward God for comfort and strength at her most vulnerable time, Kanesha rebelled and promised herself she would never forgive Him for taking her father from her. As Kanesha's heart began to lighten, so did the weight on her shoulders. Kanesha knew her life was lacking substance because she failed to do as God would have her do.

  The recent events in her life made Kanesha see she had failed to put God first. Shakayla, Malisha, Brianna and Jordan needed to know Jesus and the ultimate sacrifice He made for them. Kanesha knew it was her responsibility to introduce her children to the almighty, for she was responsible for their souls. She had to be a living testament to the love of God. She promised herself she would turn her life around and reconnect with her Savior. Jesus wept, whispered the voice in her head.

  After the drama with Percy calmed down, Byron insisted on staying the night. Kanesha tried to convince him to leave after the kids fell asleep, but Byron wouldn't hear of it. Deep inside, Kanesha was relieved he stayed because his presence made her feel safe. There was no telling where Percy's head was at, and Kanesha was afraid he might return to hurt her.

  Byron and Kanesha got little sleep that night. They talked about Percy, Kanesha's revelation on the damage she had done to her children, and her determination to change. For a while, Kanesha rested her head on Byron's lap and cried tears of relief.

  "Don't cry, girl. You know I can't stand to see a woman cry." Byron stroked Kanesha's back to soothe her tears.

  "I'm sorry, but sometimes our souls need a good cry," sniffed Kanesha. "That's one lesson from my mom that I've recently come to understand."

  "What does that mean?"

  "Remember growing up, and your mom telling you things that you didn't understand at the time? Especially as a teenager, when you thought you knew it all and later discovered that you knew nothing at all."

  Byron laughed and shook his head. "I wish I could go back to being taken care of by my moms," joked Byron.

  "I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but while Percy was here, this voice in my head kept talking to me," explained Kanesha.

  "I know you ain't going crazy on me." Byron raised his right eye brow and lowered his eye lids, waiting for Kanesha to respond.

  "No, all I'm saying is that some of the things my mother tried to teach me are coming back to me. I finally understand what she was trying to say."

  "That's what's up; I feel you," replied Byron.

  The two went on to talk about their relationship, the kids and their future. Before long, Kanesha and Byron were entwined in each other's arms kissing passionately. Kanesha's body was warm and hungry for what she
knew Byron could give her, but her heart was not into the moment. Unlike all of the other times when her body wanted one thing and her mind another, Kanesha was determined not to take the easy way out. She listened to her mind and stopped things before they went too far.

  "Stop, Byron, this isn't right," sighed Kanesha, while pushing herself away from Byron to put some space between them.

  "What?" asked Byron as his hands continued to roam over familiar terrain. "Why we got to stop, girl? You know I won't hurt you."

  "No, Byron, we're moving too fast. I appreciate you coming to my rescue earlier, and it means the world to me that you care enough to sit with me and the kids tonight, but this isn't right." Kanesha stood up and walked across the room in an attempt to find the right words. The last thing she wanted to do was cause another scene. "For years, I've been looking for a man to take care of me. Each time I was left with a baby and a broken heart. It's time for me to grow up and make a change. The voice in my head wasn't just that of my mother's, it was also the Lord trying to get my attention." Kanesha paced the floor, searching for the right words to get Byron to understand her sudden change. Her voice sounded nervous but her heart and soul felt free and proud. "As much as my body wants to be intimate with you, my soul needs more. I'm done with the one night stands and using my body as if I never had any home training. So, if that's what you want, I can't give it to you."

  Kanesha looked at Byron, trying to read his face for some type of reaction to her words. She knew Byron was surprised by her new found self-respect because so was she. Byron's face was blank, but his eyes were soft and caring.

  Kanesha rejoined Byron on the couch and looked deep into his eyes. "If you want to be with me, in a relationship with me, you have to put on the brakes and slow things down. At the end of the day, if we are meant to be, we will have built a foundation on which to stand."

  "Wow, that's deep," was Byron's only response as he sat staring into Kanesha's eyes.

  "I pray you understand where I'm coming from, but if you don't, there are no bad feelings. We'll always be cool, no matter what."

  "I feel you, baby girl. You making it hard on a brotha, for sho', but I respect where you coming from. We did rush things when we first got together, and you don't ever stress me like those others chicks that got my babies. We can move as slow and steady as you want, just tell me what you need from me," smiled Byron.

  Kanesha let out a sigh of relief and wrapped her arms around Byron's neck and held him tight. Kanesha was leery of Byron's willingness to move slow, but if she could change, who's to say he couldn't change as well. "Thank you, Byron. We can just spend some time talking and spending time together before we get all serious. I've had my kids around enough men to last a lifetime."

  "It's cool, I ain't trippin. Get out a deck of cards and let me beat you down in some Tonk right quick," requested Byron.

  "You still want to stay here tonight?" asked a stunned Kanesha.

  "I said we were cool, didn't I? Anyway, if that fool Percy decides to come back, I want to be the one to welcome him in. I can sleep on the couch and take the girls to grab some shoes before dropping them off to school in the morning." He reached into his pocket and pulled out some cash. "Here, take this fifty and let them take school pictures like everybody else. Don't be scared to ask for something the kids need, understand?" Byron maintained a steady and serious stance while talking, to let Kanesha know he was serious about his. Just when it looked like Kanesha was about to burst into tears, Byron cracked a smile and asked, "What's up with those cards, girl? And grab me a beer while you up."

  Kanesha did as she was told with a smile on her face and gratitude in her heart.

  Chapter Six

  A New Day, A New Life, An Old Love

  Four months had passed since the incident with Percy, and although he never paid back the money he owed, Kanesha was as happy as she had ever been in her adult life. Percy stayed away from her home and her job; that fact alone was priceless to Kanesha.

  The seasons had changed from spring to summer and a new routine had begun. Shakayla spent every summer with her dad, Malisha with her 'Dea, and Jordan with his dad's mother and sisters. Brianna split her summer between being at home and spending time with Byron's family. The fact that her parents were working on getting back together did not alter her schedule.

  Kanesha began attending Sunday morning church services with her mother on a regular basis. Cynthia beamed with pride every Sunday when she walked through the church door with her daughter by her side. She had no idea what happened between Kanesha and Percy, but Cynthia praised the saints when she found out that dead weight was out of her daughter's life. Two months after attending Sunday morning services, Kanesha shocked her mother by asking for a ride to evening services. Cynthia was so pleased with the transition that she cried.

  Cynthia thanked God for getting through to Kanesha. She was forever grateful for having her daughter back. Kanesha gained much strength in her Bible studies and decided to start visiting her father's grave site with her mother. The first Sunday of each month following the accident, Cynthia took a fresh bouquet to her husband's resting place. Malisha always accompanied 'Dea and listened intently to the stories 'Dea told about the grandfather she would never know.

  Kanesha was on a spiritual walk with Jesus. It showed in her face, her smile and her actions. She felt free, safe and proud of herself. Her life was finally worth waking up to each blessed morning. When Kanesha had a question about the Bible, she would call upon her mother for advice and God for the answer.

  "Mommy, do you think it's wrong for me to keep working at the bar now that I'm trying to live right?" Kanesha stared out the passenger side window as her mother drove away from Todd Cemetery.

  "No, I don't think it's wrong. Why do you ask?"

  "Sister Freeman said I was undoing the good God was trying to bless me with by surrounding myself with sinners down at that drinking hole," explained Kanesha.

  "Listen to me, Kanesha," began Cynthia after pulling the car to the side of the road and putting it into park. "Every Christian ain't saved and every sinner ain't lost. What I mean by that is sometimes people will tell you what they believe and not what the Word says. There are some who believe you must be dressed to impress when you enter the house of the Lord. But they forget that Jesus was a carpenter and says, Come as you are. Man will tell you it's a sin to drink, but Jesus turned water to wine and God's word teaches it's a sin to drink to get drunk. You are doing a wonderful job staying on track with your devotion, so don't you let no busy body Christian discourage you. We all fall because we're human, but Jesus walked this earth so that He could die for our sins. Jesus knows that being in the flesh is a battle." Cynthia spoke with such pride and joy when Jesus was the subject. She had prayed for so long to be able to talk with her daughter about the sacrifices Jesus made for her, that she often pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

  "Sister Freeman said no Christian should be surrounded by a room full of sinners like when I'm serving drinks at that bar." Kanesha spoke with an air of shame in her voice.

  "Oh, did Sister Freeman offer you a job? See, baby, a true, faithful Christian does not have to tell you she's a Christian, because you will know it by the way she carries herself, and by the way she lives her life. We are supposed to win souls for Christ. How can we do that if there are no sinners around to teach the word of God? His word will always blanket you, so you keep working hard to provide for your children, and God will lead you to the right job for you," said Cynthia sternly.

  "Yes, ma'am," smiled Kanesha and Malisha echoed her mother from the back seat causing them to laugh.

  Against Byron's objections, Kanesha began working full-time at the bar and part-time at the dollar store. Byron was helping her take care of home, but the new Kanesha wanted to have her own money. She needed to feel as if she were trying to do something with her life. Though she loved and appreciated everything Byron was doing for her, Kanesha never wanted to be totally
dependent on a man again. She had no intentions on working at the bar forever, but it was a good gig for the time being. After the talk she had with her mother, Kanesha didn't feel like a hypocrite working at the bar, but she did intend on putting in her two weeks notice soon. She was determined to find a job she could be proud of and prayed on it daily. She considered going back to school to earn a certificate or degree in the health field. She figured it would be a great first step toward providing her children with a better life.

  Kanesha had been showing up for work early just to update Miss Yolanda on the way things in her life had improved since getting rid of Percy and attending church regularly.

  "Girl, you been smiling for weeks now. It's good to finally see you happy."

  "Miss Yolanda, I never thought my soul could feel so free. I'm taking things slow with Byron this time around, but being without a man in my bed every morning feels good," declared Kanesha. "The best part is we've become close friends and sex is not the foundation of our relationship."

  "When it's right, a man can make heaven on earth seem possible, but baby ain't it good when you can have that feeling all by yourself?" Miss Yolanda hugged Kanesha and kissed her cheek like a proud parent might do on report card day. "So, is everything with you and Byron going that well?"

  "Yes, ma'am, I think I can trust him this time. With the kids being gone most of the time, we've been able to spend a lot of time together. He's taken me to the movies, out to eat, shopping and even for walks through the rose garden at Mill Creek Park. The best part is I never have to ask him to spend time with me."

  Kanesha was smiling from ear to ear and the sparkle in her eyes glistened brightly. Miss Yolanda and Kanesha hugged before returning their attention to the thirsty customers seated around the bar. It was Saturday night and the bar was busy. When Kanesha looked up from storing beer into the freezer, she gasped.

  "What is he doing here?" This was her first time laying eyes on Percy since their violent break-up. Kanesha could have gone on with the rest of her life without laying eyes on Percy again but as small as Youngstown was, they were bound to bump into each other sooner or later.