Even Sinners Have Souls TOO

by Joy, E. n.

  She was up at nine o'clock, fuming at herself for allowing Percy to take advantage of her. "When did I become so desperate?" Kanesha asked herself out loud. "He's not even my type, all out of shape and unattractive."

  She thought back to her relationships with the four men who'd fathered her children. Each one of them left Kanesha hurt, alone and pregnant. She believed Stephon when he promised they would be together forever. Byron was real from day one by telling Kanesha straight out that it was only about sex and nothing more, but Kanesha believed things would change as they grew closer.

  Mike lied and kept the fact about his wife and two sons to himself until Kanesha called him about her pregnancy. Je'Ronn only loved Je'Ronn, but again, Kanesha thought she could change him.

  Had she paid attention, she would have realized that the only thing Je'Ronn loved more than himself was sex. He had three women pregnant at the same time, each giving birth to baby girls just weeks apart from one another. Even after that revelation, Kanesha thought Je'Ronn would be with her because she bore him a son.

  Kanesha had taken Je'Ronn to the Maury Show to prove paternity. Maury said, "Je'Ronn, you are the father," and the flood gates flew open. A month after the show aired, four women had Maury saying his famous line to three of them. Even with the blood test, Kanesha never received one red penny from Je'Ronn because street pharmacists are not required to complete a W-2 form or pay into social security, but it wasn't money she was after. Her search was for protection, security and love. Kanesha could hear her mother whispering in her ear, 'Your man should be able to match or contribute to what you bring to the table. If you have a furnished house, so should he. Don't settle for less.' Her thoughts forced a light to go off in her mind. Kanesha shook her head, trying to quiet the whisper because she knew that was exactly what she had been doing; settling.

  As Kanesha put fresh sheets on her bed and sprayed the room with Febreze, she heard the front door creek open.

  "Kanesha, you 'ere?" screamed Percy.

  Kanesha sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes back in her head. She didn't want to deal with Percy, but knew she had to in order to get the money he owed her. Kanesha hated the fact that she even handed over her hard earned money to a man without a nine to five or a side hustle. Unfortunately, it was too late to beat herself up about it now. Instead of acknowledging his presence, Kanesha walked into the room Malisha and Jordan shared and began picking up toys.

  "Kanesha, you ain't hear me callin' your name?" Percy slurred his words. The fowl order of Thunderbird filled the kid's room.

  "Yea, I heard you. What do you want?"

  "It's too early fo' you to have an attitude, woman."

  "Whatever," dismissed Kanesha. She returned her attention to the task at hand.

  Percy turned around and walked into Kanesha's bathroom, slamming the door behind him. She thanked God that Percy got the hint that she was not in the mood to deal with him. After his three minute shower, he fell asleep across the freshly made full size bed. Hours later, Kanesha had cleaned every inch of the cramped box she called home. The rent was income based paid through HUD which made it affordable. She decided to relax on her couch and watch a movie and sip on a strawberry wine cooler. Half way into the movie, Percy interrupted her quiet time.

  "You should have lain down with me. I wanted to taste you again," said Percy.

  Kanesha rolled her eyes at the thought of him touching her before refocusing her attention on the movie.

  Unfortunately, Percy would not be dismissed so easily, again. "Why you acting so funny, like you got an attitude?"

  "I do have an attitude. You drank up my tip money last night."

  "I got you," lied Percy.

  "I don't work my next shift at the bar until Friday night so you have until then to get all of my money you owe Miss Yolanda together. And, let's not get it twisted; the only thing you got is my money. You keep yapping that you gon' pay me yet your tab keeps going up," fumed Kanesha. Though she had paid the bill, Kanesha was determined Percy would repay her for everything.

  "I said, I got you. Just give me some time and-"

  A knock at the door put the impending argument on hold. Kanesha opened the door for her mother and Malisha to come inside. It seemed as if the time had raced by. She looked at her watch that read six fifteen and realized it was time for the kids to start coming home.

  "Hey, baby girl," Kanesha hugged her daughter. "You have fun with 'Dea?"

  "Yes, she got me a bike, but I have to leave it at her house," beamed Malisha.

  "Oh, did you ride it?" asked Kanesha in a sweet voice.

  "Yes, it's a black Barbie bike. Dea' said it was ordered special just for me," bragged Malisha.

  "You are special, Malisha Nicole. Give 'Dea a hug and go put your bag up. Make sure you remember to throw your dirty clothes in the basket," instructed Kanesha.

  Malisha hugged her grandmother, grabbed her overnight bag and ran to her room. Cynthia sat on the couch and made small talk with her only child. She tried to ignore Percy, but being in his presence irked her to no end. Cynthia knew he was no good and his only agenda was to bring Kanesha down.

  "Hello, Percy. I see you're enjoying this quiet Sunday afternoon," Cynthia said in a flat tone.

  "Cynthia," replied Percy while simultaneously lifting his forty ounce of beer in the air. "I see you're here to blow my high. Can't you find anything else to do with your time besides annoy me?" Kanesha and Cynthia gasped in unison.

  "Percy, you will not talk to my mother that way. What is wrong with you?" Kanesha stated.

  "It's okay, baby. People like him don't care about nothing, but being miserable. Kanesha, keep in mind that misery loves company," stated Cynthia.

  Cynthia grabbed her purse and headed for the door. She turned the knob and looked at Kanesha. "Kanesha, you work hard to provide for your babies and I applaud you for that. Please, hear what I say." Cynthia paused and glanced at Percy before focusing her eyes back on Kanesha. "It is much easier for somebody to drag you down than it is for you to lift them up. You may not see what level you are on but believe me when I tell you; it's much higher than a man without a pot to piss in. You'll see that once you stop thinking you need a man and stand on your own two feet. A man should not define who you are." With that being said, Cynthia left.

  Kanesha was irritated by Percy's disrespect. For the first time, her mother's words sunk in from the start. Another knock at the door put what would have been another argument on hold.

  "Hey, Kanesha. What it do, baby girl?" greeted Je'Ronn.

  "Hi, Je'Ronn. How did Jordan do this weekend?"

  "My l'il man was chillin'. Right, buddy?" Je'Ronn patted Jordan on his freshly cut fade.

  Kanesha picked up her son and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  "Tell Daddy bye and go see what Malisha is doing," said Kanesha.

  "Bye, Dad, see you," said Jordan.

  "Stay up, buddy, and remember to ask Mommy to brush your hair and put on your wave cap before you go to bed every night," said Je'Ronn.

  "Okay," replied Jordan as Kanesha put him down and he left the room.

  Kanesha was thankful for her kid free weekends but she missed her children whenever they were away.

  "All right, Kanesha, my moms said she'll pick up my son Friday night. Cool?"

  Je'Ronn offered very little financial help but he made sure his presence was felt in his son's life. He and his mother spent a lot of time with Jordan and they loved him. Kanesha assumed that he loved Jordan more than his other kids because he was his only son. At last count, Je'Ronn had fathered five daughters. Some he saw and some he refused to claim. Kanesha did not concern herself with his other kids because they were not her responsibility.

  "Okay, I'll have him ready at six," Kanesha smiled at him.

  Je'Ronn gave a nod in Percy's direction and asked, "You straight?"

  "Yes, I'm straight," replied Kanesha in frustration.

  "You sure, 'cause that black eye says different," said Je'Ronn
.

  Kanesha was speechless but the questioning look she was giving Je'Ronn said what she couldn't. She thought the make-up and dark sunglasses masked the black eye Friday night when she went in to work.

  "Girl, you know I got eyes everywhere," Je'Ronn was talking to Kanesha but kept his eyes glued on Percy. Kanesha never could hide anything from Je'Ronn and figured that one of his friends must have noticed her on Friday. It had lightened up but Kanesha still wore two coats of foundation to hide her black eye from both Je'Ronn and her mother. Well, I guess one for two ain't bad, thought Kanesha.

  "She said, she straight," barked Percy.

  "Slow ya roll, old man," warned Je'Ronn. "I ain't a woman and I hit back. I'm a straight up menace and spending a night in the county for beating you down don't mean a thing to me. You remember that before you come at me the wrong way."

  Jordan and Malisha heard the angry voices and sprinted down the small hall way to see about their mother. Kanesha scooped Jordan up in one arm and wrapped the other around Malisha's neck. Jordan tightened his grip around his mother's neck as Malisha hugged her mother's leg.

  "Je'Ronn, y'all have the kids all scared. Everything is cool, I promise," said Kanesha in an effort to calm Je'Ronn. As bad as she wanted to get Percy out of her life, she had to wait until she could get the money he owed her first.

  "Yea, whatever. You got my cell, so hit me up if this so called man of yours step to you the wrong way again."

  Kanesha watched Je'Ronn do his pimp stride out the door. His sagging Avirex jeans were at least three sizes too big, but his size thirteen Timberland boots let all the women know what he was hiding underneath his gear. Kanesha became flush as she remembered intimate moments spent with Je'Ronn.

  "Hey, shut the dang door," grunted Percy.

  "Hold on, you don' got a little too comfortable up in here."

  "Oh, that young boy gave you a spine? I know you ain't tryna stand up to me," taunted Percy.

  Kanesha walked away from Percy to put Malisha and Jordan in their room. She put their favorite DVD on before returning to the front room to finish her argument with Percy.

  "Look, I need my money and I need it tonight," demanded Kanesha.

  "No, you look," roared Percy, "don't be nagging me about no freakin' money. I'll pay you when I pay you. That's what wrong wit' witches like you. Y'all don't know when to stop running your mouth."

  Kanesha had failed to lock the door after Je'Ronn left and was startled when it opened and Shakayla stood in the door frame.

  "Mommy, is everything okay?" asked Shakayla.

  "Yes, baby, everything is okay," Kanesha lied. "How was your weekend?"

  "It was fine. My daddy said he'll talk to you in a couple of days about summer break. He said this year we're going to visit Myrtle Beach," beamed Shakayla.

  "That sounds like fun. I went there with my parents when I was around your age," smiled Kanesha. She was happy that Shakayla was being exposed to life outside of Youngstown. Her biggest regret was that she was not able to give her other kids the same exposure.

  "I'm going to pick out an outfit for tomorrow. I want to look pretty for my school pictures."

  "Is that tomorrow?"

  "Yes, it is. You didn't forget that me, Brianna and Malisha need money for our pictures and I need a pair of shoes?"

  Kanesha felt backed into a corner with no way out. She had forgotten about the pictures and that Shakayla's shoes were worn over. Shakayla had a full wardrobe at her father's house, but she was never allowed to bring any of those things home with her. The clothes she wore to Stephon's house on Friday were the same ones on her back on Sunday evenings. Not once in nine years had he been late with child support payments or failed to get his daughter when he was supposed to. The problem now facing Kanesha was she had loaned her last child support payments from Stephon and Mike to Percy.

  "I don't know if you and your sisters will be able to take pictures tomorrow, but I will take y'all to Walmart for some family pictures," explained Kanesha. Seeing the hurt in her daughter's eyes, Kanesha felt as low as she ever had before, especially since it was her fault. Disappointing her daughter made her chest flutter again and the voice in her head spoke. This time, it was definitively the still quiet voice, but it spoke its loudest. 'I cannot provide what you do not ask for. It's time for a change, lean on me when you're at your weakest and I shall strengthen you.'

  The voice was so soothing it sent a chill down her spine. Kanesha was speechless, embarrassed and troubled as she watched Shakayla's shoulders drop and tears fell from her eyes.

  "Okay, Mommy, whatever you say," replied Shakayla with a tear rolling down her cheek. Shakayla turned and walked down the hall toward her bedroom.

  The ache in Kanesha's heart was strong. How could I put a man before my children? She asked herself. Kanesha looked at Percy with daggers in her eyes. He sat drinking his warm beer, and staring into the screen like there would be a midterm at the end of the film. Percy, watching the movie as if he didn't have a care in the world, brought Kanesha's anger to its boiling point.

  "I'm going in the back to check on my daughter. When I get back, you better have figured out how you are going to repay me all of my money, or get the heck out!"

  Percy fanned a hand at Kanesha in a dismissive way and continued to study Billy Dee William's mannerisms. Kanesha wanted to cry as she slowly walked down the hall leading to the bedrooms. Shakayla had closed her bedroom door, causing Kanesha to pause before going inside to check on her. Stalling in order to collect her thoughts, Kanesha peeked in on Malisha and Jordan.

  "Hey, l'il man, why you in here by yourself? Where is Malisha?" Kanesha inquired.

  "In dere wit' Kay-Kay. They say I can't come in," whined Jordan. "I don't care 'cause I play wit' my truck."

  "Oh, so you a big boy and don't need to have your sisters around all the time, huh?"

  "Yep, I a big boy." Jordan's eyes never left his Tonka trucks.

  Kanesha bent down and gave Jordan a quick kiss on his forehead and decided she had stalled enough. She left Jordan to play with his trucks and crossed the small hall to the girls' bedroom. Slowly turning the door knob, Kanesha could hear her daughters talking.

  "Don't cry, Shakayla. We can take pictures later, and you can wear my shoes," said Malisha.

  "I can't fit ya shoes, but thank you though," replied Shakayla. "Mommy just hurt my feelings because she promised we could take pictures. She said she was going to buy me those shoes I wanted too. They were going to be my reward for helping out with you and Jordan last week. The shoes are at her job and I need them for gym class. The ones I got now are raggedy and the kids at school are talking about me and teasing me almost every day."

  "You want me to fight them for you? I'll make them leave you alone," offered Malisha.

  "It's okay. I'll be okay. They just hurt my feelings when they tease me."

  "It's Percy's fault we can't take school pictures," declared Malisha.

  "I know it is. Why do Mommy always do stuff for her boyfriends before she do stuff for us?" cried Shakayla.

  "Maybe she love 'dem more than she love us."

  Kanesha stood outside the bedroom feeling low. In her desire to have a man around, she never realized that she was jeopardizing her relationship with her children. 'When you have kids, they eat before you eat; they wear cleaned and iron clothes even if you don't. They come before you and that's nonnegotiable.' This time there was no question that the voice belonged to her mother. Cynthia had been drilling that into Kanesha's head since the day her first pregnancy test read positive.

  "I hear you, Mom. I get it; I finally get it," whispered Kanesha as tears streaked her face.

  Chapter Five

  Hard Lesson to Learn

  The words that came from her five and nine year old daughters' mouths were more than Kanesha could handle. She turned and went in her room and sat on her bed, wondering how she could have been so stupid to focus all of her attention on men who never cared anything about her. Ka
nesha's head began to hurt as all the lessons her mother had been trying to teach her over the years raced through her mind. She couldn't keep living like this; her daughters would end up being just like her when they grew up. Kanesha worried that they would resent her. She couldn't let that happen.

  Kanesha fixed her eyes on a pair of Percy's ugly cowboy boots and heard the voice in her head again, 'Put your kid's needs before your wants.' Kanesha began to realize that if she just focused on their needs, she would have realized Shakayla's childhood was being cut short because of the responsibilities forced upon her. Brianna was silently crying out for her attention by trying to be perfect. Malisha was forming a thick skin, and poor little Jordan didn't understand any of it, yet.

  Kanesha went to lie across her bed. She cried for damaging her children. Tears flowed for the loss of her father for the first time in years. She wondered if she had been looking for a man to replace her father, but dismissed it with the logic that they don't make 'em like her daddy anymore. Her father was strong, hard working, God fearing and dedicated to his family. Kanesha knew she had to make things right and stop hating the life she'd made for herself. If not, she risked her kids hating her one day. "No time like the present to begin a new way of life," said Kanesha.

  Kanesha dried her eyes, blew her nose and felt an amazing strength wash over her. She decided it was time to make a positive change in her way of thinking and in her life. She swung the bedroom door open and shouted Percy's name as she made her way to the living room where he was.

  "What's wrong with you screaming like that?" snapped Percy.

  "Get up, get your hand full of stuff and leave," instructed Kanesha.

  "Leave? What you mean, leave? Don't you know who I am by now?"

  "Yea, Percy, I know exactly who you are. Let's see; where should I start?"