by H. L. Logan
“Hey!” Abby waved at everyone as she came up to the table. “You guys remember my roommate, Emily?”
I got some smiles and a few hellos as I sat down at the table with Kaitlyn by my side.
“Hey, everyone,” I said sheepishly as I sat down, Kaitlyn pulling up a chair next to me. “This is my girlfriend, Kaitlyn.”
“Hello!” she said eagerly. “Nice to meet you all.” She reached out to shake a few of the hands nearest to her.
I caught a few people’s glances, and the smiles they got on their faces when looking between Kaitlyn and me. Yep, that’s right, I thought to myself. She’s goddamn cute, and she’s all mine.
Naturally, Kaitlyn slid right into the conversation. I wasn't even paying attention to what everyone was talking about; I was totally zoned out.
It was a weird feeling, not like any I’d experienced before. I usually felt so awkward at events like this, but right now, I just felt completely at peace. Like everything in my life was falling into place, and it was right where it should be. I was completely at home in this moment.
I was jolted from the moment when everyone started squealing and shouting ‘happy birthday!’ I turned around to see Alexa had walked into the bar.
“Oh my god, you guys, this is so sweet!” she hollered as she walked over. “Look at this adorable cake! Oh my god, you totally didn’t have to do this!”
She started doling out hugs and cheek kisses, and I said a quick hello then sat back down as the commotion commenced.
“Hey, Emily, you and your girlfriend can go grab glasses from the bar. They need to ID you, but then you can grab some beer,” a girl named Randi said to me. She was one of Abby’s closest friends, so I knew her better than most in the group.
“Right, perfect, thanks.” I nodded to her and looked at Kaitlyn before motioning with my hand that we head to the bar.
I wasn’t going to get drunk tonight, but I could have at least a beer and hope it’d work as a social lubricant.
We both showed our IDs and made our way back to the table, frosty glasses in hand. Kaitlyn poured my beer first and then one for herself. I barely had the glass to my lips when I heard a rather annoying voice pop up.
“So, Kaitlyn, is it?” Brianne said.
Ugh, I really was not a fan of Brianne. She was one of the few snobby art majors with whom Abby was friends.
Even Abby didn’t really like her most of the time, actually. She was part of the group, but she and Abby weren’t close.
She wasn’t too bad most of the time, which was how she was able to maintain a place in the group. But if you got her started on anything musical, she’d be a total snob. She was a music major, played the violin, and wanted to get into the fine arts side of music.
Though, actually, hopefully that meant if music did come up, then she and Kaitlyn would have something to talk about, and she wouldn’t be able to turn into a total snob. Whenever one of us non-music majors talked about liking a song that came on, she had to comment on what was wrong with it and how we would ‘get it’ if we had a background in music. But Kaitlyn actually did! And she was damn good at it, too.
“Yeah, and what’s your name?” Kaitlyn responded, and I felt bad I couldn’t warn her about Brianne’s behavior.
“I’m Brianne. Nice to meet you. Are you a student at Beasley?” she asked.
“Oh, no,” Kaitlyn said casually. “I actually haven’t been a university student anywhere, don’t have my degree.”
“Oh,” she said slowly. “So what is it you do for a living?”
“I’m a street performer. At least, for the time being. I hope to soon start teaching music lessons in town to make my income a little more steady and secure.”
I could see immediately what Kaitlyn had meant when she’d said most people did not envy her choice of career at all. I could see it in Brianne’s eyes—she was judging her for this already.
“Oh, really? You want to teach music with no formal background?”
Kaitlyn didn’t even seem to realize at first that this was an attack. “Well, just guitar, actually. I’m more than proficient in it, though I was never formally trained. I’ve been playing since I was twelve.”
“I see. I’ve been playing violin since I was six, so I understand the importance of a strong background.”
She was one-upping her, and again, Kaitlyn seemed clueless to it. Or maybe she was just playing clueless in order to avoid a confrontation. I couldn’t really tell.
“Oh, that’s awesome! I love the violin. I’ve always wanted to learn.”
“Well, it’s certainly not the kind of instrument you can learn without formal training,” Brianne told her.
“Yeah, I imagine so. Though I wouldn’t mind getting lessons as an adult.”
“Just make sure they’re from someone with credentials,” Brianne said quickly. “I really can’t stand when someone takes on a role of teaching in music when they don’t have any college experience in a musical discipline.”
Ugh, I’d been totally wrong. Kaitlyn having musical experience didn’t lower Brianne’s pretension, in fact, it seemed to have made it worse. She was tearing apart the exact thing Kaitlyn had said she planned to do moments ago.
Kaitlyn gave a crooked smile, not giving in to the confrontation. “Right, well, I don’t think you necessarily need a college degree to become an expert in an instrument.”
Brianne shrugged. “Well, I never had any interest in the guitar, so I don’t know about that specifically. But with the violin, you’d never be able to get by as a teacher without a very strong formal education. Anything you could learn by ear wouldn’t be sufficient. Natural talent only gets you so far.”
It was funny that Brianne said that, because I’d always guessed that was a point of insecurity for her. She was clearly very strict in her mastering of the violin, but she didn’t act like most music majors acted. She didn’t seem to have the same natural creativity that a lot of music majors I’d met had.
A lot of music majors I’d met were more like Kaitlyn. I mean, they were a little less free-spirited than she was, because they were going to college to expand their experience and they had schedules to deal with, but, outside of that, they seemed like your typical fun-loving, creatively minded artists.
Brianne seemed less artsy and more focused, disciplined—the kind of personality you saw in STEM degrees. I wondered if this was a point of insecurity for her, though, I wasn’t rude, so I’d never ask, even if she was being a bit of a twat right now.
“I guess that’s where guitar and violin differ,” Kaitlyn said coolly, like Brianne’s antagonistic behavior wasn’t bothering her at all.
I felt so bad. I had told her that Abby’s friends were mostly all nice, with only a few snobs, but of course, the first one she had a real conversation with was the bitchiest one.
“Right, well, that among many differences. You’d never see a violin in a street performance.”
“Oh, I have, actually!” Kaitlyn said quickly. “Yeah, over on the west coast, in some of the more liberal cities where performance art is booming. I actually saw a few violins as part of different groups.”
Brianne bunched up her eyebrows. She wasn’t used to someone telling her that she was wrong, certainly not about something that was even vaguely violin-related.
“I can’t imagine doing something like that with my violin career. I’d like to be a part of a performance that means more than just a crowd on a sidewalk.”
Again, she was just directly insulting Kaitlyn. But she still didn’t bite.
“I don't know, I think there’s a lot more depth in street performance. I’ve done a lot of shows from behind the stage, and they don’t feel the same for me. It feels like I’m detached, performing for an audience, just putting on a show. When I’m on the street, I’m performing with the audience. We make a direct connection. I’m a part of their world, they’re a part of mine, and there’s something beautiful about it. It’s my favorite way to play to people.”
This was more free-spirited, artsy talk. I didn't think Brianne cared if she felt connected to the audience. I think she pictured herself up on stage with some beautiful orchestra, being commended for her amazing skill. That was what her art was for her, a skill, not something to be felt.
“Right…” Brianne said, as she reached for the pitcher and poured herself some more beer. She didn't seem to have more to say at the moment, though I was sure in just a moment she’d be able to figure out something else to insult Kaitlyn with.
After Brianne poured herself a beer, the pitcher was nearing empty, and I saw a way to get out of the conversation.
“Kaitlyn and I will go get the next round!” I announced.
“Thanks!” a few of Abby’s friends said as Kaitlyn and I made our way to the bar.
“Another pitcher of whatever they were already drinking, please?” I asked the bartender, forgetting to ask what beer it was as I left the table. I was just too eager to get out of that awkward conversation.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” I said to Kaitlyn, as the bartender walked off to fill another pitcher. “I swear, most of her friends are not like that at all.”
Kaitlyn laughed. “It's fine, really. She’s not the first music snob I’ve ever met. I’ve seen it a lot with other classical instrument players. I’ve learned to just shrug off all the annoyances until they eventually stop bragging.”
“Well, you did an amazing job,” I told her. “I don’t know if I would’ve been able to keep my cool, the way she was just directly insulting you like that…”
She shrugged. “I’ve told you before, I’m really used to the judgment. It doesn’t faze me. Besides, it usually comes from the person’s insecurity rather than something I’m doing wrong.”
I fell more in love with her everyday. She was so patient, calm, so willing to look at the world with an open mind. I loved every bit of her personality.
We walked back over to the table. Thankfully Brianne was locked into a different conversation, so I sat down next to Randi and Abby with Kaitlyn by my side.
“So, Emily, how’s school going?” Randi asked.
The one thing Randi and everyone else knew about me was that I was dedicated to school. They knew because I was constantly not joining in on group events because I was at home studying instead.
“Well, not as great as usual,” I admitted, before nudging Kaitlyn. “This one has me really distracted lately.”
“Ahh, I know that feeling.” Randi smiled at both of us. “When I’ve got a new love interest in my life, I swear, school is the first thing to fall by the wayside.”
“Tell me about it,” I agreed, “which is rough, because it’s my last year and everything.”
“Hey!” Kaitlyn said quickly. “I let you study any time you need to.”
I smiled and kissed her on the cheek. “Babe, before you, every damn night was studying. No matter how much space you give me, I’m taking a step back in my studying. But don’t worry, I love it.” I turned back to Randi. “And actually, I was disciplined earlier this week and took some time away from her to study for a big midterm.”
“Oh, how’d it go?” she asked.
“Actually, I don’t know!” I said quickly. “I think the grades were posted today, now that you mention it.”
I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten to check my grade online. I normally never forgot when grades were coming out, because I was a little obsessed with it. I guessed it was just another side effect of dating Kaitlyn. Which I guessed was a good thing, because I tended to stress in the days before grades posted, thoughts of my tests coming to my mind every few hours.
Now that I was reminded, the one thing I wanted to do was go home and check my grade. This had been a big midterm. I was pretty sure I’d done well, but if I didn’t, I was going to have to do perfectly the rest of the semester to make up for it.
I could see that Kaitlyn was sensing my agitation. “Can’t you check on your phone?’
‘Right, yeah!” I said, super grateful that she’d reminded me. “I’ll just do that now.”
I pulled my phone out and attempted to log into the online gradebook for my class, but the page just wouldn’t load.
“Ugh, stupid internet,” I groaned.
“It’s the bar!” Abby said loudly over Randi’s shoulder. “I never get good reception here. You can step outside for a second in the courtyard if you really want to check.” She also knew me well enough to know this would become an urgent matter for me.
“Yeah, is that fine? I’m not being rude, right?”
“Nah,” Randi answered. “Alexa’s busy chatting it up, so nobody’s going to notice you’re gone. Go ahead.”
“Perfect, I’ll be right back,” I said. I gave Kaitlyn a quick peck and stepped outside.
Sure enough, the second I was out the door, my phone started to slowly load the page. The further out into the courtyard I got, the faster it seemed to load. I put my log-in info in and sat on a bench while I waited for my gradebook to pull up.
I almost did a double take when I saw it. No, that couldn’t be right… I couldn’t have possibly…
But I did. I had failed. The worst I was expecting had been a C, but I couldn't even manage a D! It was an actual freaking F.
I couldn’t remember ever getting an F in my life. It sounded dramatic, but I felt nauseated. I was in a state of disbelief. How could I have been so confident and so wrong about how well I’d done?
Because I was really that clueless… I knew so little that I hadn’t even had any idea of what I hadn’t known! How could I have let this happen?
I knew how, though. Because of Kaitlyn. Because I was so absorbed in her that I couldn’t focus on anything else. And I let myself fail because of her.
I was doing math in my head, trying to figure out if there was a way I could salvage this. And I could. As long as I got mostly A’s and a few B’s for the rest of the semester, I would pass this class.
And that was doable. At least, it was doable with my old study schedule. If I gave it my absolute all. It wouldn’t be doable if I continued to half-ass things with Kaitlyn on my mind.
So, fine, I’d have to put her out of my mind. I’d be more focused. We’d spend less time together. I’d absorb myself in work, at least until I could finish school…
But I knew that wasn’t going to work. There was no focus with Kaitlyn. I had no willpower when it came to her. I couldn’t make this work and keep her at the same time. As much as I wanted to, as much as I cared about her, I just… couldn’t.
I had to break up with her.
11
Kaitlyn
I didn’t ask Emily how her midterm had gone, because I could tell from the expression on her face as soon as she walked back into the bar that it had not gone well.
Not that she was looking overtly sad or anything. On the contrary, she had a smile on her face, but I could tell it was forced. If she’d done well, she would have had the genuine grin she got when she was actually happy. This was her put-on-a-show face I had seen so many times when I’d visited her at work.
If she’d wanted to talk about the test, she would have brought it up. She had no problem venting to me about things in her life. So I gathered she didn’t want to discuss it. At least, not here, not with everyone around, which I understood.
I felt pretty bad that she wasn’t able to drink, though. I wished I’d offered to be the DD, because she really seemed like she needed to get wasted. I thought of offering to drive home, but I realized I was already in too deep. Abby, her friend Randi, and I had all gone to the bar to take two shots while Emily had been out checking her grade.
Thankfully, the party didn’t go too late. Emily, Abby, and I left around ten, and I suggested we get some wine on the way home to continue drinking. I expected Abby to love the idea, but I wasn’t expecting Emily to be super enthused, as she wasn’t that big of a drinker.
The fact that she was ready to drink only solidified my theory th
at her grade hadn’t been so great. I wished I could comfort her in some way, but if she wanted to avoid thinking about it, I’d do that with her for the rest of the night.
We grabbed a few bottles of wine on the way home and popped them as soon as we got through the door. I made sure to pour Emily a big glass and brought it to her on the couch, where her fake smile had slid off her face. She looked only unhappy.
“What’s wrong with you?” Abby said suddenly to her.
“What? Nothing,” she said with a shrug.
Abby was a little drunk and bold, so she continued. “You’re totally lying. What is it? Did you not have fun?”
“Yeah, no, the party was fine… it’s nothing,” she said.
Now I knew for sure she didn’t want to talk. I decided to try and defuse the situation a little more.
“Nothing that wine can’t fix. Here, babe,” I said, handing her a glass. Abby already had hers in hand.
“Thank you,” she sighed. She immediately started drinking it.
“And Abby, the party really was fun,” I told her, both trying to give her some gratification and change the subject. “Thanks so much for inviting me.”
“Oh, no problem!” she said excitedly. “And I’m so glad I did! You’re an absolute blast! Everyone at the party totally loved you.”
“Really?” I said with a smile as I looked over at Emily. She’d already finished her glass and was getting up to get another one. She was definitely not smiling.
“Truly! And I love you, too! I’m so glad that Emily is dating you, seriously. I mean, I think I’d love anyone new who came into her life, but I’m so glad it was you in particular. You are perfect for her. She needs someone extroverted who’ll push her outside of her comfort zone. And you’ve definitely done that.”
Emily came back to sit with a new glass of wine. I expected her to give me a cheek kiss as she sat down, as she often did. When that didn’t happen, I found myself suddenly worried.