by H. L. Logan
Maybe it wasn’t her grade that had her irritated, maybe it was me. But what had I done? I couldn’t think of anything that would make her irritated with me.
Or maybe it was nothing I’d done. Maybe it was just the way I’d been acting at the party. Maybe she hadn’t liked the attention I’d received. That would be understandable. She’d been with this group of friends for a long time, and then here I came, swooping in and acting like the life of the party.
I couldn’t be sure what it was exactly until I got to talk to her, and I wasn’t going to get to talk to her until we were alone. I liked Abby, I really did, she was a blast to hang out with, but I was suddenly wishing she’d go away. Not just because I wanted to talk to Emily, but it would also stop Abby from raving about me and possibly making the problem with Emily worse.
As if reading my mind, she stood up suddenly. “I’m going to take a shower. I feel super gross. Is that rude?” she asked me. “To go shower while you’re here?”
I laughed. “Of course not! I’m the one intruding on your space. You go about your life as you normally would.”
“Okay, perfect, thank you,” she said, as she walked down the hallway, stumbling just a little bit. “I hope you feel better, Emily!” she hollered down the hall as she left.
“I’m fine!” she said in an obviously annoyed tone, indicating she was anything but.
I looked over at her as soon as I thought Abby was out of earshot.
“What?” she asked.
“Are you really? Because you seem… kind of upset.”
“Not you, too,” she grumbled.
“I mean, you don’t need to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about, but you’re not like mad at me or anything… right?”
She looked a little sad when I asked this. “No, no, of course not. I couldn’t be mad at you.” She looked down the hall, and I could tell she was thinking about Abby still being able to hear us. “You want to go to my bedroom?”
“Sure,” I said, taking her hand and making our way into her room.
She plopped down on the bed as soon as we got in there.
“So, you want to talk about it?”
She was quiet for a second before answering softly, “No.”
Okay, that was weird, I thought we’d come in here specifically because she’d wanted to discuss things. So if that wasn’t the case… she must have come in here for another reason.
“You wanna do sexy stuff about it?” I asked her cheekily.
Emily and I still hadn’t hadn’t done anything more than oral, not yet. And, of course, I didn’t push it. It didn’t even matter to me. What we did on our own was plenty enough for me.
“No,” she said coolly.
Okay, now I was really confused. What was even the point of coming in here?
“Okay, so what?” I asked.
She smiled at me. “I want to fuck about it.”
12
Emily
What the hell had I just said? What was I thinking?
Clearly, those two large glasses of wine were a little much for me. And when I say large, I mean large—it was probably like four glasses of wine, so I shouldn’t have been too surprised.
But still, I was making a mistake here. That was not what I should have said. This wasn’t what I should have been doing.
I should have been talking to Kaitlyn. I should have been explaining to her what I’d been thinking to myself all night… that I couldn’t possibly stay with her. At least, not for the remainder of the semester. Not until I got my academics back on track.
I’d been mulling it over at the bar and on the way home, and I absolutely hated it, but what else could I do? I couldn’t fail! Not when I was so close to graduation! Not for any woman… not even her.
And failing for her was truly tempting.
Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. As soon as I uttered the words, it would become real, and when it became real, my heart would break.
It would be easier to fuck her than deal with my emotions right now.
I was planning to have sex with her for the first time tonight anyway. I needed it. I had waited to get to know her before I lost my virginity, but I was done waiting. I wanted her so badly. And if I broke up with her first, how long would it be until I got to do that?
I felt like an absolute selfish bitch for even thinking like that. She deserved to know first. I couldn’t use her to get my jollies and then ditch her.
But it really wasn’t like that. I wasn’t using her for sex. I just wanted to have our one good first time together before things fell apart…. and I was dreading them falling apart.
I didn’t have time to continue to think about how shitty of a person I was for doing this, because before I knew it, her lips were on my neck.
There was no way I could resist her now. She was always too damn sexy when she kissed on me like this. So it was decided.
I was going to lose my virginity to her right now.
And, knowing this was going to finally be our first time, she didn't waste a minute. She started pulling my shirt over my head as I unclasped my bra. The entire time, she was still sucking on my neck, periodically drifting down to my chest and then back up.
I did the same to her, ripping off her clothes as she continued to kiss me until we were both completely naked in front of each other. She was laid up on top of me, her breasts pushed against mine, which they never had been before. I’d only had her grasp my breasts with her hands… This was so much fucking sexier. Her nipples on my nipples had my eyes rolling in the back of my head.
My entire body felt so much more sensitive to sexual touch because the tension of knowing what was about to happen. We were about to pleasure each other both, at the same time, and it made me ravenous for her.
As good as her breasts felt on mine, I couldn’t wait. I had to taste her right now. I had to have her in me at the same time. And only position was going to make that work.
I rolled her over quickly, catching her off guard, but she went with it. My body was on top of hers now but I flipped over so that my head was at her pussy… and my pussy was at her head.
And we wasted no time.
After giving her oral a few times now, I knew exactly what she wanted. I knew that when I ran my finger nails up her thigh as I rolled my tongue around her clit, she trembled. I knew the motions that got her to scream. I had learned her and I was damn good at pleasing her.
But I had yet to enter her and she had yet to enter me. And because that’s what I wanted, I took the leap first. I slid a finger down from her clit to her entrance. I felt her, assessing how wet she was, and she was soaking. I knew that she was going to take my finger easily. Still, I slowly inserted it, giving her plenty of time to protest.
Of course, she didn’t protest. She moaned softly as my finger entered her. I began to bring it in and out of her as I continued to suck at her clit.
I could tell she loved it by the way it made her begin to go crazy on me. She was running her tongue faster than she ever had before. She put just the right amount of pressure on my clit, she had me moaning as my mouth was on her pussy.
And then I felt her move from my clit to my entrance. Not with her fingers, not yet, just with her tongue. I thought surely her tongue wasn’t long enough to actually be able to enter me this way.
But it was. I felt her move past my entrance until she was as deep in me as the length of her tongue would allow.
I screamed for a moment, overwhelmed with the feeling that she was finally inside me. It wasn’t as solid of a feeling as her fingers would’ve been. But I didn’t care. Finally, a piece of her was in me. A pretty fucking sexy piece, at that.
The feeling was so overwhelming it had distracted me temporarily from what I was doing, so as she tongue fucked me I got back into it, moving my fingers rhythmically in her as I licked at her.
She began to rub my clit as her tongue slid in and out and it was so intense having her pleasuring these two
places that I worried I was going to cum. And I didn't want to… not until I had more of her inside me.
i pulled my mouth from her pussy for only a moment. “Finger fuck me, baby,” I moaned.
She obliged, switching the positions of her tongue and her fingers. Iw as soaking wet for her so she didn’t have to ease into me at all. one second I was empty and the next, she had two fingers into me to the knuckle.
This time, the amazing pleasure of having her penetrate em did not distract me from what I was doing. I used it to motivate me as it had motivated her moments ago. I began to pick up the pace with my fingers and my mouth, going as fast as I could.
And she did the same, running her fingers back and forth inside me quickly, taking my virginity and making me love every second of it. It was more than I could take… More than either of us could take and soon we were cumming.
Both of us, at the same exact time. It was magical. As I was screaming from my orgasm, she was moaning from hers. As my body tensed up I could feel the muscles of her pussy tightening around my fingers. We were both in pure ecstasy at the exact same time.
I wanted to pause this moment and live in it forever.
But slowly the orgasm passed for us both and I pulled my fingers out of her as I panted heavily. I got off of her and laid my hot, sweaty body down next to her. She grinned at me.
“Holy shit, that was good.” She murmured softly.
“For me too… like, more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for this, you’re absolutely perfect!” I kissed her forehead quickly.
“You’re not too bad yourself.” She smiled at me and kissed my cheek back. “I'm so glad I met you."
And just like that, I was brought back to reality. My orgasm was enough to pull me away for a bit, but not now… now I remembered what I had to do.
It felt harder than ever.
I looked at her sadly.
“What? What is it? You liked it, right? I mean, you’re not lying to save my feelings—”
I cut her off. “It was perfect. I'm not lying. In absolutely every way, it was perfection.”
“Alright, so what’s wrong?” she asked.
“I…” I didn’t know how to say it.
“Just spit it out, Emily,” she insisted, “you’re scaring me.”
And I was about to scare her a lot more.
“I have to break up with you.”
13
Kaitlyn
My heart was pounding in my chest. I thought for sure I’d misheard her. She couldn’t have possibly been saying what I thought she was saying… right?
“You… what?”
“I have to break up with you.”
The second time she said it, I had to accept it was the truth.
“But… but why? I mean, I thought everything between us was going so well…”
“It was,” she said. “It is. But I got my grade back today on my midterm…”
“And you didn’t do well,” I finished for her. “Yeah, I could tell by the way you came back that you hadn’t done well.”
“But it was more than that,” she said. “I didn’t just not do well, I failed. Like, I got a freaking F, Kaitlyn.”
I ran my hand through her hair. “Baby, I’m so sorry…” I said softly, though I still didn’t understand what exactly this had to do with me.
“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’ve just been so obsessed with you lately that I… I just let myself get wrapped up in you instead of school. But I can’t anymore.”
Now I got it.
“So you’re going to dump me because of one bad grade?”
“You don’t get it, Kaitlyn,” she sighed. “It’s not just one bad grade. I have to make this up, and if I don’t, I’m totally fucked. I’ll fail the entire class. And I can’t focus with you around.”
“Right,” I said coldly.
“Please, Kaitlyn, I’m sorry… maybe once I graduate.”
“In a year?” I snapped. “Please, Emily, tell me you’re not asking me to wait an entire year? A whole year without you? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted, “I just know that I really like you. Really, truly like you, and I hope that one day we can figure this out and end up finding our way back to each other.”
I was so hurt and wasn’t even trying to hide it. I knew that school was important to her, of course it was, but this felt so damn extreme.
I was already in love with her. Truly, madly in love with her, and there was literally nothing that could keep me from being with her. So she needed to study more, that was fine! I could give her more time! But no, the first thing she jumped to was breaking up.
Which made me think maybe this relationship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me. And that was what really hurt. That she was willing to give up so easily. All it took was one bump in her road to success to make her want to totally forget about me.
“I really love being with you, Kaitlyn. I really do,” she said softly.
But there, it was even in her words. She loved being with me. She didn’t say she loved me, though… if she did, if she felt for me what I felt for her, she wouldn’t be able to do this.
“I can’t just wait for you,” I said suddenly. “We’ve only been together a little over a month, and… and I’m not going to spend a year waiting for you.”
She looked dejected. “Yeah… yeah, I guess that would be pretty unreasonable of me to ask.”
“Yeah, it would,” I said coolly.
I stared at her, she stared at me, and for a moment, we didn’t say anything to each other. I didn’t know what I was waiting for. I guess for her to take it all back, to say she wasn’t really going to do this. That she couldn’t break up with me over one bad grade, and we’d make it work.
But she didn’t say those words. And as I waited, more thoughts ran through my mind. Then, something suddenly clicked for me.
“How long ago did you realize you wanted to do this?” I asked.
“What?” she asked. “Today, of course. You think I’ve been planning this for a long time or something?”
“No, no,” I corrected. “I mean when today.”
She looked at me confused. “When I realized how badly I’d done in my class…”
“So, back at the bar?”
“Yes…” she began slowly.
“You’ve known since the bar, but… you just had sex with me for the first time?”
Her expression fell flat. She looked immediately guilty. “Well, yeah…”
“You didn’t care?’ I asked her. “It didn’t bother you that you were going to sleep with me for the first time and then dump me? You didn’t think that might be kind of shitty in any way?”
“I did…” she said softly, “but, I also just thought, you know, I really like you, and I wanted to be able to do it at least once before we broke up…”
“Ah!” I said with a sarcastic laugh. “So this was my parting gift!”
“Kaitlyn…” she said, exasperated.
“No, Emily, seriously. You didn’t think how shitty that was? You didn’t think maybe I was going to fucking grow more attached to you if you slept with me? That my feelings might intensify before you dumped me?”
“I mean, I thought my feelings might intensify… but it’s not like it was your first time. I didn’t really think it would have a very big effect on you or anything.”
“Of course not,” I said bitterly, “because you didn’t think about me at all, did you? I barely crossed your mind. God, this is so fucking unbelievable.” I stood up off her bed.
“Kaitlyn, wait!” she begged, as she grabbed my hand. “Please try to understand.”
“Oh, I do,” I assured her. “I understand completely. You just worry about school, Emily.”
“School’s important…” she said softly.
“So is life! So is love! When you have that degree that you don’t even want and you start wo
rking a job you hate, who is going to be by your side? What are you going to have outside of your work? Nothing, Emily! You’re going to have nothing! What’s the point in having the perfect grades, the perfect job, and the perfect perfectionist lifestyle if you have to do it all alone?”
“So, don’t let me be alone!” she pleaded again. “Come back to me! In a year, when I’m done with school, just come back to me.”
I shook my head. “I care about you, Emily, I really do. But I won’t put my life on hold for you. I’m not going to let you break my heart and then become the girl who just waits around for you. No, sorry, you either have all of me or none of me. And, right now, you’re picking none of me, right?”
She looked down at her floor, unable to even make eye contact with me.
“Right,” I said bitterly. “Good luck with your perfect life, Emily. I hope it’s everything you ever dreamed it could be.”
“It won’t be,” she said quietly, still unable to look up and make eye contact with me. “Not without you by my side.”
“Then I guess you’re really making the wrong choice.”
I walked through her door and shut it quickly. Not quite slamming it; I didn’t want to be completely disrespectful of her and Abby’s home, but it was sharp enough to make it clear I was storming off.
Even after she’d said we were breaking up, even after this whole conversation, I didn’t want to believe it was true. A big part of me imagined that she was going to change her mind. She was going to come out of her bedroom, ask me to stop, and keep me from walking out her front door.
She didn’t chase after me, though. She didn’t even open the door to her room. I was able to walk out that big red front door without any interference.
And tears welled up in my eyes when I thought about the fact that I wasn’t going to be walking back through it.
14
Emily
I felt like such a selfish bitch.
When I’d thought about breaking up with Kaitlyn, I’d thought about my heartbreak. I considered what it was going to feel like to have to live without her for a while. Hell, I’d even deluded myself into thinking it would only be a temporary thing.