Lilah
Page 6
Han. My little sister. I’m sorry that I could do no more for you. How many times had I tossed around in my sleep thinking about her? With such an uncaring mother, it was up to me to find Evie a husband far from here, to release her from father and his tyrannical rule on the household.
The pretty new servant girl was kept busy scrubbing, dusting and washing in her first weeks; given extra tasks by Danika who had promoted herself to the dining room. Lilah was different from the others who had served before: resolute and efficient in her tasks and not shirking from heavy labour. Her composure made me curious and I began searching for opportunities to observe her without her knowing.
One day I made a point of being in the sitting room with my sister when it came time for her to clean. I’d had trouble meeting her eyes and she must have thought I was a bore. I did not say anything to her and pretended to read a book. My sister, however, talked to the young servant girl while she worked. She asked Evie to play some more music and said it would help her work faster. Evie laughed, something I did not hear very often, except when we were alone. We had been close, another thing that annoyed my father. He told me I should have been born a girl but that did not hurt. I enjoyed reading Evie stories or taking her on walks but only short ones. Too far, or if the air cooled suddenly, my chest would feel like it was exploding.
I stole glances at the girl. She had long arms and a face with many angles. I planned to draw her later: long straight nose, high cheek bones chiselled from pale amber down to a pointed chin.
Another week passed before I had the courage to talk to her alone. I had planned the meeting but the outcome could not have been more awkward.
It was her afternoon of rest and I followed her when she left the house. She had been there many weeks and I knew she liked to wander the hills and sit under a tree. She took out some paper and began to write with a piece of charcoal.
I pretended that I was out for a casual stroll and drew near.
She looked up and smiled and I faked surprise at finding her there.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello,’ I mumbled. ‘So this is where you come!’ My words sounded predatory and I wished them back.
‘Yes,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘Did you follow me?’
‘No,’ I said quickly. ‘I was on the way to the market.’
‘But the market is in the other direction.’
Idiot, I thought, and quickly attempted to change her train of thought.
‘I didn’t know you wrote,’ I said stiffly.
‘Do you think that all servants are illiterate?’
‘Oh no,’ I stumbled. But by then I wished that I had not stopped at all. How could a girl have such an effect on me? None of the daughters of neighbouring landowners had shown such intelligence; very few even wrote.
I proceeded to walk on but it was Lilah who showed a presence well beyond her years.
‘I’m so sorry, sir,’ she said. ‘I did not mean to sound so rude. I was taught well by Arianne and other sisters at the monastery. Forgive me, please.’
I could see that she was perhaps concerned about losing her placement within our household by insulting the son of her employer. I found myself by her side assuring her that no offense was taken and pleased to be closer than we had been before.
She told me then about the monastery, about being abandoned and how she was sad when her employment had come to an end due to overcrowding. She was totally engaging and not short of a word, something rare for a servant girl. Even her speech was refined. She gave no reason but it was clear that Arianne had encouraged her to come here. That concerned me a little given my sister’s attitude toward her family, but perhaps, like me, she had thought that what was in the past would stay there.
My coughing fit could not have come at a worst time and it took several minutes to recover. She had stood by patiently, even placing a hand on my shoulder in concern. When she removed it I still felt the warmth there.
‘You are very sick,’ she said.
‘No,’ I lied. ‘It is nothing.’ The look in her eyes told me that my lie was exposed but it seemed to me it was the first time she had fully taken me in. Just for a moment there had been a connection between us, a moment when everything else faded. She felt it too and we both smiled.
I asked that if she was writing to Arianne to pass on my kind wishes, and leaving her to her task was the courteous thing to do.
After that, words between us became easier. I made a point to be in the same public rooms where she cleaned, and I noticed on occasion her cheeks were reddened at my appearances.
Then two things happened to affect my newfound happiness. The nights became colder and my brother returned.
Andrew was the more handsome by far and he had been the source of much distress with past maids. How many girls had been let go because they were found to be in the family way by my brother. The pattern was that mother would cry when she learned of it and father would get angry and pay the girl, and sometimes not. Now with his return I wondered two things: whether Lilah might fall for his fallacious charm as did others; and given that Andrew was now betrothed to a pretty but shallow girl from a noble family, whether he would now turn his attentions to piety and abstain from such debauchery.
I soon had my answer. For the first couple of days following Andrew’s return, he slept and ate and noticed very little around him. Then at breakfast one morning we had been discussing the date of father’s return when Lilah entered. It was Danika’s free day and Lilah was helping serve tea. Andrew lost track of our conversation and focused on the girl trying to get a glimpse of her ankles under her full skirts. Lilah left quickly and I could not tell whether she was aware of the scrutiny.
‘What’s her name again?’
I answered reluctantly and he was too vain to pick up the slowness in my response.
Another day passed and I saw that my brother was finding, like myself, similar places to be with Lilah. Unlike me, he was upfront and confident and she smiled politely and answered his various questions. Andrew had the look of a bird of prey before it swoops and I realised that whether Lilah wanted to accept the attentions or not, she should be warned.
I could not put in words how disheartening it was to see my brother in action this time. Never had it bothered me as much but it had become personal and I couldn’t sleep that night wondering if he was visiting Lilah to charm her with his talk of false love.
By morning I was nearly indisposed with my chest hurting, not only from my condition but also from more emotional ailments of the heart. I sought out Lilah and told her of the girls who had worked before her. Words against Andrew poured out suddenly, and there was no hiding the jealousy in my voice.
‘It is alright,’ she said calmly. ‘I have seen the mischief in your brother’s eyes and reject such inconsistencies. There was a knock on my door last night, which I refused to answer. It was Andrew and I knew perfectly well what he intended.’
I was amazed at the perception of this girl – the fact that she was so clear in thought and not subject to my brother’s charismatic courting.
‘The question is: what are your intentions?’
This question shocked me and I stammered that my feelings had always been honourable.
She smiled tenderly and touched my cheek. I could not help myself and held her wrist gently. It was my expression that gave me away. My father would say that I could never hide anything I felt, that I would look guilty even when I was not.
‘I’m feeling that I might love you.’
‘I knew that,’ she said.
I took her in my arms and held her. When I tentatively found her lips with mine, the kiss was everything I had hoped: earnest and inviting. My desire for her was magnified as a charge went through my body.
‘What’s this, brother?’ Andrew stood in the doorway resting one hand haughtily at his hip. His bemused expression was undoubtedly a prelude to mockery.
‘It looks like you have won the prize this time, Emil,’
he said.
‘She is not a prize. She is a girl and someone I…’
‘Love?’ he queried mockingly. ‘I heard. Well it’s alright to bed the servant girl and take your pleasure but don’t get ahead of yourself, brother. They are not worthy of any further intent.’
‘My intentions have nothing to do with you,’ I replied, now annoyed at his intrusion and authority. I was the elder son, after all.
‘Ah yes, but they have everything to do with father. You talk of such love around him and he will beat you and send the girl away. And if she should disappear in her travels then no-one would care.’
‘Get out!’ I ordered.
‘I’m just warning you, brother,’ but there was no care in his tone. Instead, I heard an underlying resentment in the fact that for the first time a girl had not acquiesced to his demand, preferring my company.
When Andrew was gone our former mood had evaporated. Lilah was concerned. ‘I should leave here. It does not sound safe for either of us if I stay.’
‘Please…not yet. I will talk to Andrew. I will bargain that father hears none of this until I decide what we can do. There are other places to live than here. My cousin, Ivan, lives north of here and he would welcome us.’
Lilah appeared pensive. Everything had happened so fast. The next morning when I saw her, she wore the stress in her eyes ringed with darkness. It was obvious that neither of us had a much sleep.
I was informed by my mother that Andrew had left that morning to stay with his future in-laws, that he would be gone for several days. She had also had word that father was returning.
Chapter 6
Lilah
I could not stop thinking about Emil. I had felt his sickness and knew that I could cure him. Once he trusted me enough, I would do so. But what would he think of me then, a freak, an angel of darkness?
His healing would have to wait. There were other more pressing matters to worry about.
His brother had frightened me. I could feel no goodwill from him at all. I heard his thoughts and saw the blood on his hands through fresh memories relived with pleasure. I did not like having this skill but knew that Emil was in grave danger. How relieved must Arianne have felt when she left this household; her mother shallow, her brother dangerous, the servants sad and fearful. And now Emil’s father had returned. I had yet to become acquainted with him.
I heard Istavan shouting at his wife several hours after he arrived. The room I shared with Danika was deep in the house yet we heard his thumping boots and angry words as he told Lady Köszegi that she was feeble of mind and neglectful of her house management. And followed by more cruel taunts: that her only usefulness was in producing Andrew, nothing more. I felt sorry for all the family as no doubt Emil and Evie would have heard this too.
I went about my tasks praying that I would not run into him and hoping that he would soon leave again. Some said he stayed with a mistress for much of the time when he was away. Evie was not playing music today, which was rare, and I sought her out in her room pretending that I had work there.
She sat by the window in a full dress of lilac satin, lace at the sleeves and neckline with white ribbons threaded; presented like this for her father’s return. I could sense her fearfulness. Not even my compliments on her dress could bring about a smile.
‘What is wrong Evie?’
But she did not answer me and watched far in the distance.
I dusted around her bed wondering what else I could do.
‘Is Arianne happy?’ she asked, her thoughts seemingly far away.
‘Yes, she is,’ I said and felt tears spring to my eyes. The very sadness of this child brought about a melancholy that seeped into my own skin.
‘I’m glad,’ she said, turning to me for the first time. Her face was blotched and eyes red from many tears. It was then I decided that Evie must leave this house. Instinct told me that only bad things would come.
‘I sat on the bed and held her hand. ‘Tell me about your father, Evie. Are you afraid of him?’ It was most forward, considering my station, but our friendship had gone beyond this.
She didn’t respond but turned away again. ‘You should go,’ she said. ‘You will get into trouble if you stay too long.’
I left feeling dissatisfied and useless. As I turned to leave she called me back and gave me a small sack. Back in my room I opened the bag to find several small berry cakes. She had been saving them for me after evening meals and I was touched. I left one on Danika’s bed also.
Emil didn’t visit me the nights following and I did not see his father until the third day by accident. I was sent to the stable master with a message. Once delivered, I turned to find him blocking my exit.
He was shorter than I had imagined, with a heavily lined face and a scar across his cheek. His mouth was wide and uneven as if the scar had somehow pulled it up on one side making him appear every bit as vicious as the words he used the first night of his return. His oversized fur lined coat seemed at odds with the weather and I wondered if it was device to disguise his smallness.
‘And who are you?’ he enquired. The tone was pleasant enough but it made me uncomfortable as if I had been rolled in muck.
‘I am Lilah and have been in your employ for several months.’
‘Hmm. The girl from the monastery?’
‘Yes.’
‘And how is my beloved daughter? I do miss her so.’
‘She is well.’ I found I could not look at him and kept my head bent. With one long finger he pulled my chin up to face him and the very touch of him paralysed me. I saw much death in his past. I saw conspiracy and ambush, and worst of all I saw young girls with clothes torn and terror in their eyes. I wanted to scream for him to let me go and run far but it was no longer about me. There were Emil and Evie to consider. I would not abandon them.
He dismissed me then and barked orders at the stable boy for not having his horse ready. I hastened to the kitchen relieved to be free of his gaze.
Emil visited me that night and once in his arms again I felt comforted. He told me that he had sent a letter to his relatives in Eszter. We had only an hour together before Danika had finished her evening shift and we talked about the future, how Evie would come with us. I listened to his chest and the sickness within. There was no way he would make the journey without being cured first. It would mean revealing my secret and I hoped not the risk of losing his love. I made a decision to tell him the following night.
The next morning, the sky was overcast and dead leaves from the oak trees were being carried far from where they fell. The cold was upon us, and the sudden increase in wind sent a chill through my bones as I tended the laundry in the drafty washing rooms.
Evening could not come quick enough; I was looking forward to seeing Emil. I decided to pay another visit to Evie who had not been to her music room since her father’s return.
As I stepped carefully down the hall I smelt the earthy smell of men and heard voices in hushed tones. I could not hear any thoughts this time. Not always did I receive the gift of hearing. This seemed to come at its own will – such a skill seemed to choose me randomly. Evie’s door was partly ajar and I peered inside.
Istavan sat next to his daughter on the bed. Evie was lying down and at first I thought how gentle his tone was with his daughter. Then I noticed that his hand – which had been resting on her stomach – moved slowing to her thighs, and her look was not one of calmness but of utter despair. Istavan’s thoughts jumped at me unawares: images too debauched for me to have any real description of such.
I breathed in suddenly with a gasp causing both heads to turn my way. I stepped quickly outside.
‘Come here!’ Istavan demanded.
Back inside her room I avoided making eye contact with Evie in case he saw the pity in my expression.
‘What did you see when you looked in here girl?’ he asked, narrowing his eyes. His voice had a raw and brittle edge.
‘Nothing,’ I said too quickly.
‘Yes sir,’ I muttered, all the while keen to find Emil to tell him to go straight to Evie’s room. But I never got my chance.
Andrew stood behind me blocking my exit from the room.
‘Is there something I can do, Father?’ he asked dutifully.
‘Welcome back, Andrew. I trust your business went well?’
‘Yes, fFather.’
‘Well then, you can show this servant girl to her room and perhaps persuade her in the ways of propriety.’
The look between the men lingered longer than is usual and I did not need the gift of grasping words from their thoughts to understand that at some point there would be more consequences than a deduction in my pay.
‘Back to your room now,’ Andrew instructed. I did as I was told, my body trembling, hoping that Danika would be in our room, but also knowing that this was unlikely. The evenings were her busiest hours. I prayed to God that anyone, Lady Köszegi, or Emil would see us and escort me instead. Another servant passed us with her head lowered, careful not to make eye contact with Andrew. I also prayed for Evie for the look in her face had made me feel ill.
As we returned to my room I understood the fear that Arianne must have felt living here.
Andrew shut the door behind us and pushed me roughly on the bed.
‘Now I must obey my father,’ he said, his eyes never leaving mine and his face leering as he unlaced the front of his trousers. He pushed himself on top of me tearing at my undergarments. I tried to cry out but he put one large hand over my mouth and nose so that I could barely breathe. I felt pain between my legs such that I had never known. I cannot say for how long the pushing and thrusting lasted. At times I refused to take a breath, allowing me to fade in and out of time.