Blue Sky Days

by Marie Landry

  Near the end of the week, Roy came rushing into the family lounge where Daisy, Sam, and I were eating dinner, and told us about an experimental drug a fellow doctor had sent him information on. He explained to us that it wasn’t covered under Nicholas’s health insurance, and when he showed us the form with the cost of the drug, I thought I would go into cardiac arrest.

  Sam left the lounge immediately and began making calls. Daisy and I sat huddled together on the love seat clutching each other’s hands until our knuckles were white. When Sam returned, the defeated look on his face made my hands go slack in Daisy’s.

  “I don’t see how we can come up with the money,” he told us. He opened his mouth to say something else, but then closed it and turned away, his face reddening with the effort to hold back tears.

  “You would be able to if you hadn’t invested in the gallery,” Daisy said. Her voice was flat and hollow, and when I looked at her, her face had become ghastly white.

  “There’s no way we could have known this would happen, Daisy.” Sam crossed the room and knelt in front of us, taking one of Daisy’s hands, then one of mine, and holding on tight. “I can’t regret investing in the gallery. It’s your dream. There’s absolutely no way we could have known we’d need that money to…” His voice trailed off, but his unspoken words rang in my mind.

  To save Nicholas. There’s no way we could have known we’d need that money to save Nicholas. To save his life. Every day that he’s off the chemo is another day the cancer has a chance to spread. And every day he has that infection, he’s another day closer to dying.

  A choked sob escaped my lips, and I stood abruptly. “I need to get out of here,” I said. “I’ll be back.” All I wanted to do was get in my car and drive, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea. Driving while distracted and worried is like driving drunk—your reflexes are slower, your judgment is impaired, your mind is unfocused. I didn’t need to get into an accident on top of everything else that was happening.

  I bundled up in my coat, scarf, mittens, and boots, before making my way through the hospital and out the back doors. A light layer of snow covered the ground, hiding the plants and flowers Nicholas and I had enjoyed that fall. Everything had turned so ugly and dead-looking when the flowers died and the trees lost their leaves, but covered in snow that sparkled from the light of the full moon and the hospital’s recessed flood lights, it looked beautiful, almost magical.

  I thought of Nicholas and how much he would love it out here on a night like this. I could imagine him pointing things out and encouraging me to get my camera to take pictures.

  I brushed the snow off our favourite bench and sat down, too numb to feel the icy cold from the stone or the tears that seeped from my eyes and froze on my cheeks. My mind raced with ways to come up with the money for the drug that could save Nicholas. I could sell my car, but that would take time. I had an emergency credit card that I’d never had to use—I could withdraw money from that, but it wouldn’t be nearly enough.

  I’d gone through almost all my savings since moving to Riverview, especially once Daisy and I decided to open the gallery and I had to buy equipment and invest money for repairs and other business expenses.

  I closed my eyes and pressed my palms to the lids until stars erupted in the darkness. There was a way, there had to be a way. We would figure something out. We had to—Nicholas’s life depended on it.

  *****

  Daisy, Sam, and I spent most of the next day making phone calls. We had come up with a small chunk of the money by pooling our savings, but it wasn’t enough.

  I called home, hoping my parents would be able to help. My mother, very cool and distant after our last conversation, told me that my father was away on business, unreachable, and she just couldn’t see giving me that kind of money without his consent.

  “Daddy would give me that money in a heartbeat, and you know it!” I cried angrily.

  “I’m sorry, Emma, but I just don’t have the authority to transfer that much money from his accounts without his approval.” She sounded almost bored on the other end, and I could picture her examining her perfectly manicured nails.

  I knew what she said wasn’t true. I also knew she thought I was exaggerating Nicholas’s condition. For a moment, I even considered having Roy talk to her, but I was sure it wouldn’t do any good. Just as I was sure there was no repairing the damage this would do to our relationship. The man I loved was lying in the hospital dying, and she could save his life, but her own hurt feelings and childishness were preventing her from helping.

  There was part of me that was surprised she didn’t want to play the hero, save the day by paying for the drugs that would save Nicholas’s life, so that in her mind, I’d be forever indebted to her. It was then I realized how far gone she was. Her selfishness had only ever hurt me before, but this was a whole new low for her.

  In that moment, I didn’t care if I ever saw or spoke to her again. Without another word I simply hung up on her, resisting the urge to bang the phone in her ear repeatedly before doing so.

  Later that day a small glimmer of hope arrived. It came at the same time from two unexpected sources. First, Maggie and Vince arrived at the hospital with a thick envelope full of money. They had cashed in their savings for their trip to New York, and wanted Nicholas to have it. We all argued with them, saying they had worked hard for that money and saved for a long time.

  “Nicholas is so much more important than any trip,” Maggie said vehemently, her eyes shining with tears. “We don’t know how much it’ll help, but we had to try.” She thrust the envelope at me, closing her hands around mine and holding on tight before wrapping her arms around me.

  I could feel her body shaking against mine, and when she buried her face in the side of my neck I felt hot tears run down my skin. I held onto her like my life depended on it, with my own face buried in her long hair, which still smelled like frost and snow from outside.

  I don’t know how long we stood like that, but we broke apart when Daisy entered the lounge, her eyes bright. “We’re close,” she said. “I just got off the phone with Jimmy O’Hanlon, and he said that your postcards are selling so well he’s had to do a second print run. He’s sending you an advance. With that, our savings, and the money from Vince and Maggie, we almost have enough.”

  Almost. Unfortunately, almost wasn’t good enough in a situation like this. When I remained silent, my gaze locked with Daisy’s, her face fell, and I knew she had come to the same realization.

  “We’ll figure something out, Em. I promise. We’re not going to let…he’s not going to…” Her voice broke and trailed off. We had all been dancing around it, unable to say the words, although it had been on all of our minds. Nicholas didn’t have much time.

  Nicholas’s condition continued to deteriorate overnight and through the next day. He was still on oxygen, and with the sedative and pain medication Roy had given him, he spent most of the time sleeping. It was a relief in a way, because then he couldn’t see our worried faces, or watch us scramble to come up with money.

  I had been sitting by his bed for an hour, holding his hand and talking to him, hoping that some part of him could hear my voice and find comfort in it. Every breath he took seemed to be an effort, even with the aid of the oxygen. Roy came in and suggested I go wait in the lounge with the others while he checked Nicholas over.

  Daisy and Sam were sitting silently in the lounge, holding hands. When they saw me, they separated and Sam patted the space between them. I sat and they each took one of my shaking hands. We remained silent, staring ahead, waiting for Roy. We all knew something bad was coming.

  When Roy finally appeared in the doorway, I jumped to my feet. His eyes were red and the look on his face made me feel sick to my stomach. “It doesn’t look good, guys,” he said, his voice quavering as he tried to hold back tears. “It…it doesn’t look like…without the medication, I don’t think he’s going to make it through the night.”

  A loud buzzin
g filled the room, and it took me a minute to realize it wasn’t an external sound, but an internal one. My heart had started pounding so hard that my ears were buzzing and pulsing with the sound of my rushing blood, and it blocked out everything else. I felt dizzy, light-headed, numb, a million different things at once.

  When my knees gave out, Daisy and Sam caught me before I hit the floor, and held on, their grips tight, fingers biting painfully into my skin. But I didn’t feel it, not really. I was too busy replaying Roy’s words over and over in my head.

  I lurched forward and grabbed Roy’s shirt, yanking him close. “No,” I said desperately, trying to smother the hysteria that was rising inside me. Some part of me worried that Nicholas would hear me, even though I knew it wasn’t possible. “No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong! He’s not going to die!”

  Roy gently pried my fingers from his shirt, his eyes never leaving mine. When he finally freed my white-knuckled grasp, he put his arms around me, murmuring words I couldn’t hear. His voice was soothing, and his touch was gentle as he ran his hand down my hair and over my back, again and again.

  I could feel his body shaking with silent sobs, but when he spoke, his voice was quiet and controlled. “I don’t want to believe it either. And I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. But nothing is working against the infection and it’s spread so much in such a short time. There’s just nothing else we can do, Emma. I’m so sorry.”

  I clung to him and sobbed uncontrollably until Daisy pulled me away and led me down the hall to the visitor’s washroom. Without a word, she pushed me gently until I sat on the closed lid of the toilet, then she wet a paper towel with cool water and ran it over my face. She pushed my hair back, gathering it up and securing it with the elastic she always kept around her wrist.

  She had somehow managed to avoid my eyes that entire time, but she met them then, and I almost wished she hadn’t. They were so full of sorrow and pain it made my heart ache even more. I wasn’t the only one who loved Nicholas. Daisy had known him most of his life, as had Maggie, Vince, and Roy, and of course Sam wasn’t only Nicholas’s father, he was his friend.

  The thought of losing Nicholas had hysteria building inside me again. Daisy gripped my arms and took a few deep breaths until I did the same. I couldn’t break down right then and I knew it. It wasn’t going to do anyone any good.

  As we left the restroom I realized Daisy hadn’t said a word since Roy had entered the lounge. I wondered if she, too, had a lump in her throat that made it hard to speak. Or if she worried that when she opened her mouth, the only sound that would come out would be one long, mournful wail that would never end. That was how I felt. I wanted to cry again, but was afraid if I started, I’d never stop.

  “I think we should take turns being with him all night,” Sam said when we reentered the lounge. “That way each of us…” His voice broke and tears slipped slowly down his cheeks. “That way each of us can say goodbye to him.”

  I wanted to lash out, scream at him, demand that he tell me how he could have given up, how he could possibly be suggesting we say goodbye to Nicholas. But as he met my eyes, I saw the same pain and sorrow I had seen moments before in Daisy’s eyes, along with a weariness that had nothing to do with exhaustion.

  He had been through this before, years ago, with his wife. If Nicholas died, he would have nobody but Daisy and me, and I wasn’t going to do anything to alienate him. We all needed each other far too much.

  Because Sam was more collected than the rest of us, I suggested he go into Nicholas’s room first. He opened his mouth as if to argue, but then simply nodded, kissed my cheek, then Daisy’s, and followed Roy down the hall to get suited up in his paper visitor’s wardrobe.

  I paced the lounge for a while until Daisy pulled me onto the couch beside her. She still hadn’t spoken a word. I was partly unsettled by this fact and partly comforted by it, because I knew she didn’t expect me to speak either.

  I had never been the praying sort. My parents weren’t religious, and I had never even so much as said grace before coming to Riverview and growing accustomed to Sam giving thanks before all our dinners together. I wasn’t even really sure who I was praying to, but I prayed hard as I lay down next to Daisy, resting my head in her lap. I prayed for a miracle, because I knew that was what it was going to take for Nicholas to recover.

  CHAPTER 19

  Without meaning to, I must have drifted to sleep. The next thing I knew, I heard Sam and Daisy’s voices and then Sam was gently shaking me awake.

  The lights had been turned off, and I glanced at the clock to see it was 3:30 am. I had been sleeping for nearly four hours. I felt a surge of panic, and when I sat up the room spun around me, making everything blurry. Anything could have happened in four hours. I had slept away precious time I could have spent with Nicholas—possibly the last hours and moments I would ever have with him.

  When my eyes finally focused on Sam, my chest tightened painfully. His eyes were red and swollen, and his face was tear-stained. He looked as though he had aged fifteen years in the last four hours.

  Wordlessly, he took my hand, and the panic inside threatened to suffocate me. I looked behind me and grabbed Daisy’s hand, and the three of us walked silently to Nicholas’s room.

  A million thoughts ran through my head in the short walk: was he gone? What if I had missed my opportunity to say goodbye? What was I going to do without him, and how could I possibly survive? How could any of us survive? He was the heart and soul of our little makeshift family. I had been lost before meeting him, alone and confused and unsure of who I was or what I wanted, and he had shown me how life could be, how it should be.

  As Sam opened the door I saw Roy leaning over Nicholas’s bed. The lump in my throat that never seemed to be far away returned. When he heard the door open, Roy stepped aside and I saw a new bag of IV fluids slowly making its way through the tubes and into Nicholas’s arm.

  Nicholas still looked small and pale, but Roy’s tired eyes were smiling.

  “We got the drug,” Roy said, his voice no more than a strained whisper.

  “You…what? How?” I asked, stepping forward and gripping Roy’s arm.

  “Just after you fell asleep, we had a last minute donation that was enough to cover the entire cost of the drug. It arrived about three hours ago and we started the IV right away. We tried to wake you, but you were so out of it, we decided to just leave you until the drug had a chance to work. Now we just have to hope…”

  His voice trailed off, and once again, his unspoken words rang in my ears. We just have to hope it’s not too late. “All we can do now is continue to wait. But this is what we hoped for, what we wanted so badly. It’s like a miracle.”

  I was tired and frazzled and relieved and so many other things, I nearly laughed. A miracle. I said a quick, silent prayer and promised that if Nicholas survived this I would never doubt miracles ever again as long as I lived.

  “You can stay in here with him now,” Roy said. “Get some sleep if you can. I’ll be checking on him every half hour or so, and I’ll wake you if there’s any change.”

  I nodded, unable to express my gratitude. I hugged him silently, then moved past him to hug Sam and Daisy. When they left, I closed the door and turned off the lights, leaving the room in darkness except for the glow from the monitors and machines, and a muted light that came in through the window.

  I pulled a chair close to Nicholas’s bed and took his hand in both of mine. “You’re going to be all right, Nicholas. This drug is going to work. You’ll go back on the chemotherapy, and you’re going to get better. You’ll be in remission before you know it. We all need you and love you so much. I love you so much. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  I wasn’t sure if the fatigue had me imagining things, but I could have sworn Nicholas’s hand contracted in mine at that moment. I wanted to believe he could hear me, and was letting me know in some small way that he loved me too, and that he was going to fight
with everything in him to get better and come back to us. To me.

  I bent to kiss his hand, limp now in my own, then pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’m going to be right here,” I said, leaning against the bed and resting my head on my arms. I fought sleep at first, jerking upright every few minutes until I remembered Roy’s promise to wake me if anything changed. I was sure he’d be in more than every half hour, and with that knowledge, I closed my eyes and welcomed sleep.

  *****

  That night and the following day were the longest of my life. After a few more hours of sleep, I woke up feeling edgy, anxiously checking Nicholas’s monitors every few minutes. I didn’t understand what the numbers and lines meant, but I was watching for a change—any sign that meant the medicine was doing its work.

  Roy was in and out regularly. He looked as awful as I felt; his hair was standing on end from running his hands through it so many times, and his eyelids looked so heavy I was amazed he could keep his eyes open at all.

  At noon, Sam came into the room and told me he would sit with Nicholas while I went to get some lunch with Daisy. I started to tell him I wasn’t hungry and that I didn’t want to leave Nicholas’s room, but my stomach growled, the sound of it cutting off my words before I could speak.

  I found Daisy waiting in the hall, and the two of us went down to the cafeteria. I managed to eat most of my beef barley soup and half a roll before my nerves got the best of me and I felt I had to return upstairs.

  My eyes were sore and gritty, and I was so tired it was a struggle to stay awake. Finally, I leaned forward, resting my head on Nicholas’s bed as I had the night before, and closed my eyes. It felt like only moments passed before I wished I hadn’t fallen asleep.