Losing Faith

by Denise Jaden

  I cringe, not because of Faith, but because of the melodramatic tone Tessa uses.

  “Yes, I remember you, Brie,” the detective says. “Have a seat.”

  He faces Tessa. “So what can I do for you, Miss …”

  Tessa ignores his leading, not about to give her name. “Brie wants to know exactly what happened to her sister.”

  Now he looks at me. “Have you talked to your parents about this?”

  “Her parents are a mess,” Tessa interrupts. “How long would it take for you to talk about your daughter if she died?” She clucks her tongue once. “Or maybe you don’t have kids.”

  When I catch Tessa’s attention, I shoot her a warning look. She doesn’t have to be so rude.

  “Actually, I do,” the detective says, and turns a photo frame on his desk to face us. A boy and a girl, elementary school ages. I see a resemblance in the eyes, but not in their silky smooth skin. “And I don’t think I can imagine how I’d feel if something happened to one of them.”

  I’m impressed with his calm demeanor. He’s not about to let Tessa have the upper hand.

  He goes on. “The reason I ask is because I’ve gone over this information with your dad, Brie. The final report was sent to him a couple of weeks ago.”

  So Dad got a report and didn’t bother to show it to me. I wonder if he showed it to Mom, or if he’s just pretending it doesn’t exist. Or maybe he got the report that day he was freaking out on her.

  “Were you up there? Where she died?” I ask.

  “I was there. After.” He nods. “I can’t go into the details without your parents here, but there was a call from a couple who live in the vicinity.” He glances down at his notes. “Soon after, we caught up with a boy who was up the mountain with your sister.”

  A boy? My mind immediately goes to Alis. But no, he must mean Nathan. I bite my lip.

  “We were able to get a couple of statements, one at the site and one later at the station.” The detective shifts some papers aside to find another one underneath, “I’m afraid I can’t give you their names, but they both gave us the same basic rundown of events.”

  “Which are?” Too anxious, I force myself to take a deep breath. I don’t need names. Besides, I’m pretty sure I know who they are. Nathan and Reena, since Celeste was at another church that night.

  He lets out a slow breath, and I can tell he’s already said more than he should. But then he drops his eyes and starts to read again. “Faith Jenkins, your sister,” he says in a softer voice, “went for a walk alone. She seemed sad, but neither of the witnesses knew why. Ten minutes later, they heard a scream. When they made it to the other side of a big boulder, Faith’s purse was there, but Faith was gone.”

  I sit there for a long time looking down at my hands. To Tessa’s credit, she’s quiet. A warmness fills my cheeks, and I reach up to brush away the tears.

  A rap on the door makes me jump and I reach for a tissue while Detective Malovich stands to meet his receptionist. A minute later, when his door clicks shut again, I look up to see the Detective scooting back around his desk and Tessa readjusting herself in her chair.

  A long silence follows, and I know it’s my job to break it, if I indeed have any more questions.

  “Did she kill herself?” I ask in a whisper.

  Detective Malovich clears his throat. His eyes rest on his notes like he’s studying for an exam, like he doesn’t quite know the questions or the answers. “We did rule it as a suicide.”

  I suck in a breath. Now that he’s said it, now that I know Faith had so many secrets, I feel like this has to be the answer. I wrap my arms tight around my stomach. “And is that what you think, Detective?”

  Even though I don’t look at him, I sense him nodding. “Yes,” he says. “Yes, I do.”

  Tessa and I don’t speak all the way across town. When we’re almost at my house, she asks, “Are you ready to talk about it?”

  I’m not sure exactly what there is to say. But maybe it’ll help, and she would know this better than anyone. “Yeah,” I tell her.

  “So I couldn’t read the whole thing, but I did get the gist,” she says. “Nathan’s report was just like Malovich said, walking away sad and all that. And he definitely thought it was suicide.”

  I look up and clue in. She read the witness reports.

  “But Celeste’s. First of all, it was dated September twenty-sixth, the next day—”

  “Wait—Celeste? But she wasn’t there. She was at the church youth group.”

  “Well, apparently that’s not what she told the cops.” Tessa parks a few houses down from mine and stares at me. “Anyway, her report was really vague. Like, it didn’t say anything about Faith being sad, just that she went for a walk. Celeste’s report is pretty short, but Nathan’s describes every detail and goes on for pages.”

  “What about Reena? What did hers say?”

  Tessa shakes her head. “There were only two witnesses. That’s what Malovich said.”

  “But she had to be there. Alis said she was. Celeste and Nathan must be covering for her for some reason. We need to talk to Celeste again,” I say.

  “If Celeste will lie to the police, she’s not going to talk to us, Brie.” Tessa starts her engine, my cue that it’s time to get out of the car. “What we need to do,” she says, “is talk to Reena.”

  chapter TWENTY-NINE

  Plan X: Okay (deep breath). Find a way to talk to Reena.

  I don’t hear from Alis all weekend, and by Monday afternoon I’m sick with worry that something’s happened. But then I spot him out behind the school in our usual meeting place. Today, he doesn’t lean by the fence. He stands, feet apart, like he’s not planning on being there long.

  “Oh, good,” I say, picking up my pace toward him. “When you didn’t call back, I was worried that—”

  “I just came by to get my MP3 player back.” His tone is abrupt.

  “Oh.” I look at my feet and study them, but I have no idea how to fix whatever’s wrong. Did something happen with Reena? Something he doesn’t want to tell me about? I pull the player out of my pocket and pass it to him. He snaps it out of my hand.

  “Did something happen?” I ask.

  He scoffs a little, and then straightens his face. “No, Brie. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

  When he turns away, I run up beside him. “Alis, what’s wrong? Please tell me.”

  Some kids wander out toward our side of the field. Alis moves deeper into the trail and I shadow him.

  “Look,” he says. “I guess I had the wrong idea or something. I just thought … I shouldn’t have expected …” He stares down at my hand, and I remember when he held it. Then my memory morphs into Nathan and I get a flash of Alis’s bike.

  It all makes sense.

  I run ahead so I can turn and face him. “This is about Nathan, isn’t it?”

  His eyebrows pull together. “Nathan? Is that his name?” He tries not to look at me, but I keep my eyes trained on his.

  “Nathan is this guy from Reena’s home group.”

  His scowl doesn’t change, so obviously this isn’t news for him.

  I try to get the rest all out at once. “And he was on the mountain when Faith fell, and then I found him at the grocery store and he wanted to walk me home. I thought he might tell me more about how he knew my sister, but then he stopped talking and he was holding my hand and I thought it might help, but I didn’t want to, Alis. I didn’t want him to hold my hand, or kiss me—”

  I stop at the stunned look on his face. He must have missed that part.

  “On the cheek,” I add. “He kissed me on the cheek and said a bunch of strange stuff about love, and being Faith’s boyfriend, and honestly, as much as I wanted to know about my sister, I couldn’t wait to get away from him.”

  Alis stares at the trees above us. “Really?” he asks, turning his eyes back to me.

  “I like you,” I say, and even though I want to check over my shoulder and make sure Tessa�
��s not somewhere lurking, I add, “A lot.”

  His face softens. For a few seconds neither of us knows what to do, but then he scoops up my hand in his and leads the way toward my house.

  I wouldn’t have minded if he’d waited there a little longer. If he’d kissed me. But I don’t say anything. My heart’s in overdrive right now, and I think I need to change the subject.

  Alis beats me to it. “So tell me everything about what you found out.”

  I tell him about Celeste and Nathan and Detective Malovich.

  “Wow, you’ve had a busy weekend,” he says.

  “Yup. So what about you? Were you locked at home, or just feeling slighted by your idiot girlfriend?” I snap my mouth shut, not even believing I said that.

  “Reena was home all weekend,” he says, not reacting to my words. “So I couldn’t get out or use the phone.”

  Even though I’ve gotten used to the weather getting cooler, it’s drizzling out today and a sudden sneeze hits. I grab a Kleenex from my pocket.

  “Why don’t you wear a jacket?” he asks. “It’s been raining all day.” He sounds slightly annoyed but I have a feeling it’s not about my lack of jacket. It’s about finding a way to get close to me.

  “Have you ever had a girlfriend?” I ask, trying to let him know it’s okay.

  He slides his arms out of his Mack jacket. “You’re changing the subject. Here, put this on.”

  He holds it behind me and I stuff my thick-sweatered arms into each side.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” I say.

  “You didn’t answer mine,” he says. “And no.”

  Shouldn’t surprise me, I guess.

  “Don’t you own a jacket?” He looks away.

  “Yes,” I say. He stops in place and stares at me. He’s wearing a long-sleeve cotton shirt with a Quicksilver logo across the front. It’s starting to show dark dots of misty rain. He must be freezing. “Yes, I own a jacket, and I’ve also had a boyfriend, but neither have brought me any real comfort.”

  He suppresses a smile. When we walk again, his arm comes up behind me and rests on my shoulders. My breath catches. Alis’s arm around me feels much more important than Dustin’s ever did.

  “So Reena must keep a good watch on you if you haven’t had many friends.”

  “I haven’t had any friends,” he says. I feel him pull away a bit, so I bury myself deeper under his arm. Besides, I’m wearing his jacket. He’d freeze without me.

  “Well, sometimes I think having lame friends is worse than having none at all.”

  “Is Tessa a lame friend?”

  I think about this, but it doesn’t take long. “No, she’s a good one. Maybe the first good one.” Funny how I can say this so easily to Alis, but I could never, ever, say it to Tessa.

  “Were you ever friends with your sister?” he asks.

  “Sure, when we were young. We set up tents and camped in the backyard, fought over toys, same as most kids.” I take a big breath and let it out slowly. It’s still a hard subject, but I’d rather talk about it with Alis than anyone. “I think it was the religion thing that really pulled us apart.”

  “Hmm. Same here.”

  “The stupid thing is, I think Faith still wanted to be my friend. I was the idiot who couldn’t get past how sure she was about her beliefs.” Saying it out loud makes it feel even more true, and I feel another wave of guilt wash over me.

  “So you don’t believe in God, then?”

  I shake my head. Add a bitter laugh. “Oh, I believe in him, all right.”

  He smirks. “Right. You just don’t like him.”

  I bite my lip to keep from agreeing. This conversation is hitting a deep, sore spot in me and I’m not totally sure if I can go there. “Faith wanted to … wanted to stay home on that night. The last night. I was too busy making up lies for my lame boyfriend to notice.” I pause, not wanting to actually say it. But I have to. “I pushed her into going.”

  “Oh, Brie.” His words rip open the sore spot inside me and a small whimper escapes my mouth. He pulls me closer, wrapping his other arm around me too. “I’m sorry.”

  I bury my face in his shirt and can’t tell if it’s the wetness from his shirt or from my tears that I feel on my face. When he squeezes me tighter, my body pulses with each cry. I’ve never felt this safe, like I can really let go. I don’t want the feeling to end, but at the same time, it’s jumbled together with my pain. I can’t separate them.

  I force a deep breath. Then another.

  After a few minutes, we start walking again in silence, sticking to back roads in case Reena gets off early. It takes me a long time to feel clearheaded again. Almost at my house, Alis stops at the corner and pulls my hand to stop me.

  “I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, but, well, I guess whatever you said to Nathan worked. My sister’s having a meeting tonight.”

  “Tonight? At your place?” I pull out my phone and look at the display, but I haven’t missed any calls, which means Reena doesn’t plan to invite me. I frown.

  “Yeah. She said this morning that I should find somewhere to go. That’s kind of like code for ‘Get the hell out before my meeting.’”

  “So why didn’t you want to tell me?”

  “I don’t think you should be a part of this, Brie. I don’t know what’s up with my sister, but—”

  “Do you think she’s dangerous?”

  “No,” he snaps. He’s being defensive again, probably because of own his confusion over this. It is his sister, and what if he thinks she might take the martyrdom thing seriously? Or what if Nathan’s the one who’s pushing that agenda? We don’t really know what we’re dealing with here. Alis shakes his head, staring at the ground. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”

  “Look, Alis, I think the only way to feel better about any of this is to figure out what’s really going on.” His head doesn’t move to look at me. “I’m not afraid.”

  “Well, maybe you should be,” he says, louder. Angrier.

  I’m having a hard time figuring out if he’s protecting her, or me, or himself. Or maybe he’s just scared of the unknown.

  “I’ll try to listen in tonight,” Alis says. “I promise I’ll tell you if I find out anything.” I’ve never seen him so tense, and I know this is not up for discussion.

  “Okay,” I tell him.

  He looks at me like he’s not sure if he should believe me. I slide out of his jacket and offer it back to him before he leaves. As he walks down my street, I watch his back, knowing it’s definitely not okay. I can’t sit at home while the only group that knows the truth about my sister meets in Reena’s room.

  I just can’t.

  chapter THIRTY

  at the front closet I pull out the warmest jacket I can find, a blue and gray snow jacket of Faith’s. She got it on sale at the end of last winter and I don’t think she ever got a chance to wear it. It feels strange to slip my arms into it. Even though we were close to the same size, it feels way too big for me. I wonder if I should wear it, if Mom would freak out if she saw me. But I can’t seem to bring myself to take it off.

  Forty-five minutes later, I stand at the end of Maple Court, hunched behind the minivan in Alis’s neighbor’s driveway, wondering how much Alis will hate me for doing this. I thought about calling Tessa on the way, but couldn’t bear the thought of Alis finding not only me outside his house, but Tessa as well.

  Reena’s white Civic is nowhere in sight.

  “I thought you might show up.” The sudden voice beside me makes a little yelp escape from my mouth.

  “Shhh,” Alis says. “It’s just me.”

  I turn to him, but flit my eyes away. “I, um …”

  “Uh-huh. I know.” His calming voice entices me to look at him, and his caring eyes relax me even more. “Or I don’t know, really. I don’t know what you must be feeling or what I should do about Reena, but I’ve been sweating over it since I got home and I think I do need your help. I’m not ve
ry objective these days, but I just couldn’t handle it if something happened to you.”

  I bite my lip. It feels good to know he cares so much. This makes me want to help him even more. “Listen,” I say. “Let me do this. Why don’t I find a place to hide, see what I can overhear, and this way I won’t even have to join their group.” I think about the Pooh-bear walkie-talkies and wish I had called Tessa. “You don’t have to be involved anymore. I could just—”

  “I am involved, Brie. It’s my sister.” His angry tone resurfaces. “Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and heading behind the house of the driveway we’re in.

  I don’t argue. We duck behind Alis’s garden swing, across the back lawn and through a side door into the garage.

  “Reena could be home any minute now.”

  So definitely no time to bring Tessa in on this.

  “You can hide in here,” he goes on. “I’ll go into the house and act like everything’s normal, then come out to meet you when it’s time for Reena’s friends to show up.”

  “Got it. So where does Reena think you go when she kicks you out?”

  He shrugs. “I used to go to the corner store and play video games. One time I guess I lost track of time and she had to come looking for me. She grounded me from the TV for two weeks. I’m sure that’s where she assumes I always go.”

  “Your sister grounds you? No way.” I snap my mouth shut, hoping I haven’t embarrassed him.

  “You don’t know my sister,” he says, without a hint of a blush. “Trust me, she gets her way on things.” Alis eyes Faith’s jacket, up and down.

  “What? It’s warm,” I say.

  “No, it’s good.” He reaches for the doorknob to the house.

  “You know, you don’t have to do this,” I say. “Not tonight.”

  He stares at the wall beside me for a few seconds, and then meets my eyes. “Yeah. I do.”

  When he walks through into the house, I scan the garage using the beam of fading daylight that streams through an upper window. It’s pretty spotless, other than the dust. A pair of garbage cans sits in the corner. That’s pretty much it.