Losing Faith

by Denise Jaden

  Alis brings me a blanket and I make myself a comfortable little snuggle area on the step near the door. I swish the blanket around me, almost knocking over a small tool kit with a transparent lid that rests on the far side of the step.

  A few minutes later Alis drops onto the stair beside me. “She just called. To make sure I leave the house. Says they’ll be here soon.”

  After all the afternoons I’ve spent outside without a jacket, it suddenly feels very warm. I throw off the blanket.

  “Where should we listen from?” I ask.

  “Right here’s good.” He motions to where he came through from the house. “We can open the door a crack without getting caught, I think.”

  “You think?” I look toward the door, worried.

  “It’ll be okay.” He wraps his hand over mine.

  When I turn back to face him, I realize how close he is.

  “It will, Brie. We’ll get through this together.”

  I slowly let out the breath I’ve been holding.

  “We have a few minutes,” he whispers and a smile tugs at his lips. All this time, I’d been thinking how much he must hate me for putting him in this position with his sister, but his voice is soft, lulling, and I don’t think he’s capable of hate.

  Something about Alis makes me feel like I can’t pretend. I can’t put on a face as though I’m confident. A strand of his dark hair falls in his face and he pushes it back. He nibbles his lip, and I want to tell him I’m nervous too.

  He slides an inch closer and looks down at my lips. I’ve had lots of time to pull away, he makes sure of that. But I haven’t moved forward, either. I force myself toward him ever so slightly.

  With a sudden forward motion, he knocks into my nose. “Sorry,” he murmurs, then tilts his head and tries again before I can say anything.

  When he presses his lips into mine, they’re warm and soft, and I immediately know this is different than any kiss I’ve had before. It’s new and naive. But gentle. Caring. He puts a hand on the back of my head and steadies me. His lips angle slightly until he finds a good fit and his tongue finds mine. I slide my hands along his sides and up his back, feeling much like this is my very first kiss too.

  We stop momentarily to rearrange our arms. He puts one around my lower back and pulls me closer. I feel his warm breath when he brings his lips toward mine again.

  When he pulls away, his hand is on the side of my face, touching along my cheek, down to my chin, my lips. I keep my eyes closed, feeling a warmth and tingle that goes all the way up my spine. It takes me several seconds to come to my senses when a rumble sounds in the driveway.

  “She’s here,” he whispers, his face still close.

  He slips an arm from around me and cracks open the door behind us. Through the small opening, I can see a sliver of their living room—a striped gray couch sits against the far burgundy wall. When I get a flash of Reena traipsing across the small line of my vision, I hold my breath. She sings a worship song I don’t recognize.

  The doorbell rings and Reena’s singing cuts out. The pitter-patter of her feet tap toward the front door and then I hear another female voice.

  I recognize the voice immediately. Celeste. She enters the living room wearing an oversize pink sweatshirt and faded jeans. Not her usual put-together look.

  “Thanks for coming,” Reena says to her and the way she angles her head from side to side looks like she’s trying to catch Celeste’s eyes. “I think you’ll be glad you did.”

  “I’m only here because I want some answers,” Celeste replies, staring down at her feet.

  I move a little closer to the door.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll get to that.” Reena ushers Celeste out of sight and into the living room. “Okay, we won’t wait for Nathan.”

  Reena’s voice carries like she’s walking around with a microphone. Celeste seems to be mumbling questions, I can tell, because Reena’s giving answers.

  “Of course I want to talk about it! It’s you who’s been turning tail, like Peter after Christ was arrested. It was a great thing she did!”

  Alis strokes my hair. I expect to be uncomfortable when he looks at me now that we’ve kissed, but I’m not. I can’t hear Celeste’s response.

  “Good. We’ll get into more of that later,” Reena says. “But I called you here for something else. I have some exciting news.”

  “Look, Reena,” Celeste butts in, and I’m surprised at her boldness. Alis raises his eyebrows, apparently surprised too. “I’m out, okay. I just need to know what happened to my best friend.”

  “Calm down,” Reena says in a soothing voice. Even though I can’t see them, I picture her wrapping an arm around Celeste. “It will all make sense, if you’ll just listen. We need four, our best four, to complete our circle of energy.” She pauses, probably indicating somehow that Celeste is among her best.

  “Yes, that is exciting,” Celeste says. I can tell by her tone she’s humoring Reena. “But what does this have to do with Faith?”

  “You don’t understand. You’re not there yet. That’s why we have to go back to the mountains.”

  “Well, I’m not going unless you tell me about Faith!”

  Alis’s eyes are so wide, I’m afraid they’re going to fall out. I’m surprised too. And proud of Celeste.

  Reena crosses out of sight. I can hear her at the hall closet, opening the folding door and closing it again. Then she repeats the motion. I turn to Alis.

  “It’s a stress thing,” he whispers.

  After a few more rattles of the closet door, Reena marches back to the living room. “Look,” she says, and I can’t believe how calm her voice is now. Her anxiety methods obviously work. “Sometimes these are spur-of-the-moment decisions. When some of us hear from our Higher Power, we don’t want to wait.”

  So she’s saying Faith did martyr herself?

  Alis leans in close and says, “There’s usually more of them. It’s weird that there are only two.” I know he’s changing the subject, but for a second or two, it helps. Sweat trickles down the side of my cheek. How did it get so hot in here? I guess he notices the heat too, because he pulls away in a hurry.

  But when he does, he knocks the small tool kit off the step, and it topples to the floor with a clank. We jump away from it in one quick motion as if it sent electrical shocks through both of us. We huddle together, counting the seconds.

  chapter THIRTY-ONE

  nine, ten, eleven …

  The door swings open above us. A bright light gleams from the middle of the room and feels like an interrogation light—aimed directly at Alis and me.

  Gasps erupt from the shadows behind the door. Then, “What is going on?”

  “Hey, Ree,” Alis says. His voice sounds surprisingly light. “This is my friend—”

  “Annie,” I jump in.

  “Yeah, this is Annie. We were just talking out here. You said out of the house, but the garage is fine, right?”

  Celeste’s eyebrows contort as she pokes her head past Reena’s shoulders in the doorway. I shoot her a pleading look, having no idea how I could have even considered joining their group. I can’t be two people at once.

  Since Reena hasn’t said anything, Alis goes on. “She’s just a friend and it was only—”

  “Shut. Up,” Reena says, focusing hard on the wall behind us. Then she glares at me and sizes me up as if I’m a stranger, not the same person she met at the nursing home. And she certainly doesn’t seem like the same sweet girl I met. “Where did you find this friend?” She turns her eyes back to Alis on the last word.

  “From, uh … the high school,” he says. “I was done with my test early last week and she was in the hall, and we just got to talking.”

  Reena snaps her head back to me. “And so you found out he was my brother and decided, what, to spy on me? Is that it?”

  Not only does Reena’s glare feel hot on my skin, but I can sense Celeste’s laser eyes too. “No!” I say. “That’s not it. Well, not ex
actly.”

  Reena crosses her arms.

  Celeste steps forward, so I race on before she can speak. “Yeah, I heard you were his sister. And yeah, I wanted to find out more about you. But, no, I would never spy.” I take a breath and force my most innocent face. “I told Alis I wanted to come over and get to know him. I really didn’t give him a choice.”

  Alis’s tense face softens. A thankful look.

  “Um, hang on,” Celeste says, holding up a hand.

  “He intercepted me when I got here.” I talk louder. “And said if I wanted to hang out, it had to be in the garage. I’ve been asking him questions about you and about your group, because I’ve been so excited since I met you. Then when you didn’t call—”

  Celeste looks back and forth between us.

  “There are procedures,” Reena says, banging her palm against the house door. Her eyes flutter back and forth. Clearly, she doesn’t like being confused. She pulls the door shut and then opens it again. I wonder if she’s considering my story. She turns slowly. “These things take time, and if you’re so impatient, maybe you’re not the type we’re looking for.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I was impatient.”

  Celeste purses her lips, like she’s not sure where her allegiance lies, which is crazy because clearly she and I are out for the same thing here: answers. But something still seems to tie her to Reena.

  I know everything will change by tomorrow. Reena will know all about my lies, so I try a last-ditch effort to play up my alias. “I heard there was a girl from our school who killed herself for Jesus. Was she part of your group?” I’m surprised how easy it is to get the words out. It’s as if I’m talking about someone else. A stranger.

  Celeste’s eyes barrel toward me like a two-ton boulder.

  “I want to join,” I add.

  Celeste steps in front of Reena and faces me. “What are you doing—”

  “Annie,” I finish her sentence, so she doesn’t blow my cover quite yet. Reena may be willing to give some answers if she thinks she has devoted followers. It’s my only chance. “I can only imagine being around a group of people who are so sold on what they believe. It’s a dream I’ve had for years, and I—”

  A ring of the doorbell cuts off my words.

  “Great,” Reena says, rolling her eyes. “Can someone please let him in?”

  At first, no one moves, but then Celeste backs into the house.

  Before I have time to process the ramifications of this new participant, Nathan stands beside Celeste in the doorway. They whisper, and it’s impossible to know how much Celeste has told him, but when he spots me, he pushes his way through.

  “Annie,” he says, purely excited.

  I let out a breath. He still thinks I’m Annie.

  Reena glares at him. “How on earth do you know her?”

  “I met him at the grocery store, and he seemed so on fire for God, so I wondered if maybe—”

  “You wondered if he might be part of my group.” Reena nods, but her tone doesn’t sound like she’s buying it.

  “That’s right. On my way home, I asked him if he knew you.”

  “You took her home!” Now Reena really loses her cool. I can’t quite figure out why this is such an unforgivable sin, but I don’t have time to mull it over. I need to change the subject.

  “How do I get in the group?”

  Reena studies me, but I divert my eyes, afraid of falling under her spell again. I expect her to head for the door and kick me out, but then she says, “There’s an initiation first.”

  Nathan’s lips fall into a straight tense line.

  Reena blows out a breath, which turns her whole face into a smile. “Okay. This is fine. Fine,” she says again, like she’s convincing herself. “Let’s take a little trip to The Point, friends.”

  She wants to take me up the mountain! I bite down on my tongue, trying to keep my cool.

  “Hey, Ree,” Alis says, his eyes giving away a hint of fear. “Why don’t we go into the backyard. The hill behind the house—”

  “Get lost,” Reena snaps, like a flyswatter on a fly.

  Alis stares at Reena, but only for a second. He doesn’t even give a cursory glance in my direction, but turns and walks straight for the outside door.

  I wonder if he’ll go for help somewhere or if he’s still too confused and intimidated by his sister to know what to do. He hasn’t got a cell phone, and I have a hard time imagining him going to the neighbors.

  I’m now committed to go up to where Faith died, on the top of the friggin’ mountain, with these people who were with her that night. And I willingly got myself into this. If I were Alis, I’d probably just want to get myself the hell out of here too.

  Reena turns to Nathan, as if he hadn’t heard any of her plans. “Annie wants to prove her trustworthiness. Her devotion.” She turns her wide eyes on me for a moment.

  Oh, no, I don’t! Looking past her eyes, I change my mind. I don’t want to find out the whole story about my sister. Not like this.

  chapter THIRTY-TWO

  i’m coming too,” Celeste says.

  She takes a step toward me. A protective gesture. I can tell by her pulled-back shoulders, there’s no talking her out of this, no saving her from getting involved any deeper. She needs answers too. But when I glance down at her hands, they’re both trembling.

  “Oh. Good.” Reena’s voice trills up, as if it’s a question. “You can move up to the next level while we’re there,” she adds, squinting like this is a test. When Celeste nods, Reena brightens and heads for the house. “I’ll get my folder.”

  Nathan turns to the door leading outside. “We should get in the car.”

  Celeste and I follow, but almost at the door, Celeste juts her arm out to hold me back. After letting Nathan move a few steps around the corner, she whispers, “What are you doing?”

  “Trying to get some answers.”

  “Go home, Brie,” she says. “This is not a game.”

  “I know. My sister’s dead, remember?”

  She picks at her thumbnail. She probably doesn’t know any more than I do, but feels just as responsible. Maybe more so.

  “Were you there, then?” I ask softly.

  She nods, not meeting my eye. “At first. I should have stayed with her, but I left … before.” She stares at her feet. “I was scared because they were arguing so much. I thought we should just leave, but Faith, she didn’t want to. Reena was suggesting all this crazy stuff and saying things that didn’t make sense and Faith wanted to stay and set her straight.” Celeste sounds like she’s about to cry. “I went to that other youth group to clear my head.”

  “How come you told the police you were there when it happened?”

  She shoves her hands in her pockets. “I don’t know. Nathan came over that night and told me Faith had fallen. He said she had been really upset because I left. He didn’t tell the police that though, and said he wouldn’t tell them as long as I backed up his story. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault, he told me.” She swallows. “I felt so guilty and I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “But you know she wouldn’t have … you’re the one who told me she never would have killed herself. Especially not just because you left. You know that.”

  She nods, but her eyebrows still pull together like she doesn’t know. Not really. She’s so confused I doubt she knows anything right now. “The next morning when the police came to my house, Nathan’s words were the only ones I could think of. I found out later that Reena didn’t even give a statement and now she’s talking like—”

  “Like what?”

  She looks at me now. “You should get out of here now, Brie. I’m serious. Before your parents lose another daughter.”

  The saliva dries from my mouth with her words. “But I can’t.” I wait until I sense her understanding. “Do you think this is the only way to get answers?”

  Celeste nods. “Reena opens up when the meetings get going.
” Her eyes show her worry, but now I think I’m starting to understand. She can’t stop blaming herself until she knows the truth about what happened.

  Nathan ducks his head back around the corner with his brow furrowed. I hold up my purse in one quick motion.

  “Found it,” I call.

  He turns back for the car and Celeste follows. I take one more deep breath before I round the corner behind them.

  After slamming the door of the house, Reena checks and double-checks her mailbox by the glow of their porch light. She peeks around the side of the house and shakes her head when she walks back for the car. I assume she’s looking for Alis, but can’t find him.

  Reena gets into the driver’s seat of her Honda with Nathan beside her and Celeste and me squished into the small backseat. When I reach to buckle my seat belt, I see a swatch of red and black poking between my seat and Celeste’s. I give it a tug, because it looks exactly like the material Alis’s jacket is made of. When the swatch pulls away from me and disappears between the seats, I nearly scream, but bite my lip to rein it in.

  I wait until Reena’s on the road and diverted to take a discreet glance behind me. There’s a knob to fold the backseat down on the outside edge of my seat, just like the one in Faith’s Toyota.

  The trunk. Alis is in the trunk. Which probably means he didn’t call the police or anyone else for help. He thinks we can take care of this ourselves. I feel a sudden burst of confidence from this. He knows his sister better than any of us.

  Of course, he probably thinks he has no other options.

  “Why don’t we put on some worship music,” Nathan says, reaching for the dial.

  He turns the volume loud, and he and Reena sing along. “Holy, holy, holy …”

  Because I recognize the song from when I attended church with my parents, I make a show of joining in. When Reena glances back at us, Celeste follows suit.

  Reena watches my mouth for a second, then turns to face the road as it begins to twist up the mountain. Luckily, it’s pretty dark within the trees, so I can’t see how high we’re climbing. Still, my heart beats wildly in my chest. Sitting directly behind Reena’s seat, I keep my eyes trained on her face in the rearview mirror. When she really gets into the music, she closes her eyes intermittently.