Hell And Back

by Natasha Madison

  “I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just going to let you know I’ll be home later this evening, and I’ll be cutting the grass then.” I put my hand in the back of my jeans pockets, making my T-shirt strain against my chest. I’m a detective for the special victims unit. My job is to look big and mean. The sleeves of tattoos covering my arms from shoulders to wrists sometimes scare people off. By the look on her face, I can see she’s not sure what to think. My six-foot-two-inch frame isn’t one a lot of men are willing to mess with, so I imagine she must be feeling the same way.

  “You don’t have to do that.” She closes the door a little more, making it impossible for me to see anything but the darkness inside. After Nan died, I saw her lawyers go in with a cleaning company. They basically closed the place up, and it stayed that way until this week.

  The first night I noticed something amiss when Kendall was leaving my place. I saw movement across a window. I stood out there staring, waiting for something else, but there weren’t any other movements. Until yesterday when the door opened and out stepped the smallest woman I’ve ever seen. Not only was she short, she was maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet. Up close in the light of day, I can see she’s obviously been missing many meals.

  But what strikes me the most are her eyes. I see fear in them, someone who is broken.

  “It’s okay,” she tries to say before I interrupt her.

  “Your grandmother didn’t have a lawnmower, so you have no choice but to take my help.” What the fuck am I doing? I’m lying now just so I can cut this chick’s grass. A chick I don’t even know. A chick who looks like she has more baggage than anyone can carry.

  I should turn around and just say I tried. I can’t explain it, but there’s just something keeping me rooted on this fucking porch. I just can’t pull myself away even though I want to.

  “I was going to look in the shed today, see if I saw it. I know that Gramps used to have one.” She leans into the door a little more, making it hard to see anything but her one eye. But she is now standing straight instead of leaning behind the door, and I can see her body a little bit more.

  I notice the bruises on her arms, and she senses the minute I do, because she resumes her previous position behind the door in order to shield her body from view.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it this evening.” It is in that moment I know she relents because all she does is nod her head and close the door. Not giving me anything else. Not another word.

  I’m not quite sure what just happened, but as I make my way over to my truck, I’m shaking my head, hoping to clear up the thoughts of the conversation.

  One thing I do know for sure is she’s running from someone, and she’s hiding here.

  The question is who is she running from? Only she can give me an answer, and it’s obvious I’ve got some work cut out for myself if I’m going to get an answer from her. Something tells me I need to be ready, and I need her to tell me for what. It won’t be easy, that’s for sure. The woman inside that house looks like she has seen the inside of the devil’s playground, and she’s survived to tell about it.

  Chapter Three

  I close the door, collapsing down to land on my ass. My breathing comes rapidly like I just ran a marathon, sprinting the whole way.

  My chest heaving, my hands trembling, my legs still weak, I look down the hall at the kitchen where I see Lilah has hidden under the table. The fear in her eyes matches the fear coursing through my body.

  “Momma,” she whispers, unable to forget she was never allowed to talk loud. A lesson she learned when her father threw a chair at the wall after she asked him a question one morning.

  I nod my head, the tears already running down my face. My hands shake uncontrollably while I try to wipe them off. We are still safe. He hasn’t found us.

  Making my way off the floor, I walk slowly back into the kitchen, where I bring Lilah out of her hiding place.

  “It’s okay, just the neighbor. No one is here.” I place her back onto her chair where she leans down and continues to eat her cereal.

  She’s staring into the bowl, not saying anything more.

  “Today we should go out and pick up some more food. Would you like that? Maybe we can stop for ice cream?”

  The good news is, after meeting the lawyer, I found out the house has been paid for in full. The property taxes paid into escrow for the next fifteen years. When Grandpa passed away, she used all of his life insurance to make sure I never had to struggle. She thought of everything, even putting one hundred thousand dollars aside for me to live on.

  Just knowing I don’t have to go out and work is a relief. I can heal. We can heal.

  “But what if Daddy binds us?” She looks up at me with fear in her eyes. In seven days, she’s smiled twice.

  “How about we get dressed up and put hats on like we’re wearing costumes?” I look over and smile, trying to make her see I’m not scared. All the while my heart is beating so loud I’m sure one can see it through my chest.

  “I don’t want to go back hobe. I don’t like Daddy or his friends, Momma.”

  I run my hand over her blonde hair that finally looks clean. No matter how much I tried to make sure she was clean, there was only so much I could do. With a bar of soap, sometimes I would use dish soap if I had to.

  Every single penny we had went either up Adam’s nose or in his veins. He would go out once a week and buy us the bare minimum of food. Butter, milk, bread, cheese, what he said was essential. Sometimes he’d spring for chicken and it would be like I won the lottery.

  Since I’ve made that phone call, it’s been a roller coaster. After I hung up, I was picked up by a car in a matter of twenty minutes.

  We were then hustled to someone’s house, where a wonderful older woman looked after us. She reminded me so much of Nan. Her white hair curly, her soft eyes, and her beautiful smile lit up the room.

  She had a doctor come in to check me over. He told me what I already knew; one rib was broken, so he bandaged my side up. My eye would be fine. Nothing ruptured in it, so it would get better with time. He looked over the welts and bruises but nothing could be done with those. Those would heal, was all he said.

  The next day, the lawyer whom I spoke with on the phone finally showed up. He had all the papers ready. I signed one dotted line after another before we got in his car, and he finally brought us to Nan’s house.

  We arrived at night, so no one saw us walking in. He unlocked the front door for us. I walked in carrying Lilah, holding her to my chest. He didn’t need to show me around, but he did tell me the fridge was fully stocked and there were clothes in the bags by the door.

  There was also a brand new phone with his number in the contacts. Actually, it was the only number there. There was also a new MacBook, which I had no idea how to use.

  It was just enough to let us get our bearings without having to leave, but eventually we have to go out there. I have to take my life back. If for no other reason but to show Lilah how to move on. To show her how to live life without fear.

  “I say we get up, get dressed, and go buy us some food, maybe even a couple of toys, some coloring books. Oh, you know what else, sweetheart? Maybe we’ll get some Play-Doh?” I smile at her, watching her eyes light up at the thought of coloring books and Play-Doh.

  “Okay, Momma,” she says, nodding her head.

  I pick up our plates, placing them in the sink and washing them right away. This is my house, these are my rules.

  I look over at Lilah sitting on the couch holding the only doll she has ever had. Saddened, I stare out the window into the vast, weed infested backyard. The shed door is open, showing me we indeed don’t have a lawnmower.

  I make a note it’s the first thing we are going to buy today. There is no way I will allow that man, or any man, to come and save me or help me.

  I trusted a man once and look where it got me. Broken, bruised, and scared. Not anymore.

  Wiping my hands with the tea
cloth, I make my way over to Lilah and pick her up, ready to start our day.

  “Let’s go buy some toys, yeah?”

  She looks up at me with a smile and nods her head.

  “It’s time.”

  We get dressed in clothes that are too big for us, but I’m hoping to start filling them up. The next step will be to get a doctor for Lilah. She hasn’t been to one since she was born.

  I start to panic a little, knowing I’m leaving the safety of the house that has kept us safe for the last two weeks, but I know I have to do it.

  Putting our shoes on, I think about how I’m going to get to the store and back. I know there was a grocery store within walking distance. I just hope they have a taxi stand so I don’t have to lug everything back.

  I think I need to buy Lilah a stroller. It might be too late since she’s almost four and walks, but I want her to have it.

  We turn to walk out of the house. The sun is blasting down on us. The heat is bearable for now, but I know it’s going to get worse as the day goes on.

  Locking the door behind me, I grab Lilah’s hand and walk toward the street. The neighbor next door that I never met is outside watering her plants.

  I try not to make eye contact with her, but I can’t ignore her when she shouts at us.

  “Hey, you!”

  I look up at her and see she has one of those hats that tie under your chin.

  “Aren’t you Felicia’s granddaughter?” She walks over to her white picket fence, the water from the hose still running.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I answer, pulling Lilah closer to me.

  “Is that your baby girl?” she asks, looking me up and down.

  I’m not sure if she is sizing me up or passing judgment.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Where are you guys off to?” she asks.

  “To get some groceries. Maybe buy a lawnmower.”

  “The walk is way too far, and it’ll be too hot by the time you need to come back. Why don’t you wait there, and I’ll take you? I have to go myself anyway,” she says, turning around, heading to the spout to turn the water off. “I’ll just get my purse and keys, and we can be on our way.” She is already walking up the front steps.

  “I don’t want you to go out of your way, Mrs....?”

  “Oh, you can call me Brenda. I knew your grandmother. She was very special to me, and I loved her dearly. Just let me get my keys, and we can get to know each other better in the car. All right? Maybe we can even hit up McDonald’s. Would you two like that?”

  I don’t have to look down to see Lilah has another smile. She has had McDonald’s only once.

  It’s a funny thing what one would do for their child. This right here is one of them. My head is telling me not to trust her, my heart is telling me to run, but my gut is telling me it’s okay.

  “I think we would like that very much, Brenda. Please take your time. We’ll wait right here,” I tell her, retreating back while looking down at Lilah. “We’re going to McDonald’s. Isn’t that fancy?” And then I hear my girl giggling, which is like music to my ear.

  Chapter Four

  Jackson

  I slam the phone down with more force than I intended. My partner, Mick, looks over at me.

  “I thought Kendall came over last night. Yet here you are ready to blow up.”

  I shoot him a glare. We’ve been partners since the beginning. We entered the academy at the same time, both of us with chips on our shoulders, both hoping to change the world.

  Seven years later, there is no one else I would want to have my back.

  “Shut the fuck up, Mick, not today.” I focus on the file in front of me. Another runaway kid disappeared into thin air.

  I look up and stare straight into Mick’s eyes. I don’t need him to say anything. I know what he’s thinking.

  “I met my neighbor this morning.”

  Mick leans back in his chair, not saying a word, waiting for me to finish.

  “She had bruises on her arm and a couple faded ones on her face.” I close the file in front of me.

  I turn around to open up the computer so I can search Nan’s name, Felicia, to find something on her.

  “So now what?” Mick asks me, but he knows the answer even before I know what I’m going to answer.

  “She’s running from something. I don’t know what or who, but there was real fear in her eyes. There was enough pain in them to break someone straight down to their core,” I tell him while I start typing.

  “You can’t save everyone, Jackson, you know this. It’s like you’re constantly chasing that same ghost.” He leans forward, putting his arms on the desk.

  “I don’t want to save her.” Her scared eyes flash through my mind. “I just want her to know she’s safe.”

  “What the fuck are you doing?” he asks when he sees me type in Nan’s name.

  “I need to know what her story is, Mick.” I almost press enter, but his words stop me.

  “It’s her story to tell, Jackson. Not yours to find out. If she is the way you say she is, ain’t no way in fuck she’s going to be cool with you finding out without her telling you.”

  I shrug at him, not ready to admit he’s right. You would think he would shut up, but he doesn’t. “Yeah, I know you aren’t going to stop searching till you find out those answers. You want to keep her safe.” He pauses, cocking his head to the side. “Who is going to keep you safe from yourself?”

  “I have no idea, but something is pulling me to her, something I can’t even explain. I’ve got to get home. I promised to mow her lawn.”

  “Which lawn we talking about?” He ducks when I throw a balled up piece of paper at him. “How are you going to explain Kendall?”

  “There is nothing to explain. We’re friends, just friends from now on.” I go to grab my keys off my desk, not interested in finishing this conversation.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing, for both your sakes,” he tells me right before I walk out of the room.

  ***

  I pull up in my driveway to a sight that pisses me off.

  Here she is in a long-sleeved shirt, long pants, hat, and glasses pushing a brand-new lawnmower.

  I make sure I check my temper before I walk over. Right before I cross the street, the little girl on the front porch stops me mid-step.

  She’s the spitting image of her mother, just a smaller version. She is sitting at a little plastic table they probably just bought, coloring.

  I make my way over to her mother right when the lawnmower goes off.

  “I told you I would cut the grass.” I try to sound casual, but the blood in me is boiling. It must be ninety-five degrees outside, and she’s wearing enough clothes for a trek across the frozen tundra.

  She looks up. “I also told you I would take care of it, and I would be doing it myself.”

  The little girl from the porch makes it to her mother and hides behind her, yanking on her pants leg.

  The fearful look she gives me is just like her mother’s. I crouch down, getting eye to eye with her. “Hey there, beautiful. What’s your name?”

  She doesn’t reply, and instead she lowers her gaze so she is looking at her feet.

  “I’m Jackson.” I reach my hand out, but drop it when I know she won’t take it. I gesture behind me as I say, “I live in the house right over there. I used to know your great-grandma.” I’m trying to draw her into a conversation with me, but nothing I say engages her.

  “It’s okay, baby, you can tell him your name. Nan used to make him cookies, so you know what that means, she must have really liked him.” She rubs her daughter’s shoulder.

  “I’m Lilah,” she says in barely a whisper.

  “That is the most beautiful name in the whole wide world. You’re lucky to have such a beautiful name.”

  She smiles at me, right as a car backfires. They both jump up, Lilah yelling and putting her hands to her ears.

  Two things happen at the same time. Her mother
grabs her and runs toward the house, and the second is from now on I vow to protect them with everything that I have.

  “Wait.” I rush after them and make it right through the door before it’s closed in my face. I stand here inside the house and watch them rushing to the corner to hide.

  Two broken girls protecting each other against some monster. I walk up to them. “It’s okay. It’s just a car backfiring. It was nothing but a car.”

  “Lilah, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay, baby girl, we’re safe.” She is trying to comfort the little girl, who is sobbing quietly in her mother’s arms. “No one is here, honey.”

  She looks over at me, our eyes meeting for a beat before she lowers them again.

  “Look, it’s okay, it’s just Jackson. There is no one here, baby.” She rocks Lilah back and forth. Her back is against the wall while she soothes her baby girl, whose sobs are slowly stopping, her eyes closing.

  “What can I do?” I’m now sitting in front of her, not sure how to even start to dissect this.

  “Nothing. You can’t do anything for us.” She kisses Lilah’s head. “No one can.”

  I ignore the last part, not sure how to talk about this now.

  “I’m going outside to finish cutting the grass, then I’ll pick up some food for us. Does she like pizza?”

  “Jackson, I don’t know what relationship you had with my grandmother, but I don’t need your help. We will be fine. Please, it’s okay, you can leave.” She rests her head on the wall, closing her eyes, the defeat of the day leaving her body.

  “I’m going outside to finish mowing the lawn so Lilah doesn’t have to go outside anymore today. Then I’m going to pick up pizza for myself. You won’t have time to cook, so I’m going to pick one up for you. I want to eat with you guys, but I’m not pushing myself on you either after today. Now I don’t want to fight with you or even discuss this, so just nod you understand.”

  She looks into my eyes, but nods yes.

  “I can pay you for the pizza. I have money. I don’t need a handout,” she says while trying to push herself up to go get fucking money.