Hell And Back

by Natasha Madison

  If she weren’t so scared of things, I would punch the fuck out of something right now. “I don’t want your money, now or ever. I have no doubt you can take care of yourself. Consider this a housewarming present.” I get up, going to the door, not even giving her a chance to say anything else.

  Right before closing the door, I hear a soft voice, “She’s never had pizza before, so can you just get us plain cheese?”

  I don’t say anything, afraid of what will come out of my mouth. I nod, turning to walk out the door, closing it quietly so as not to wake Lilah.

  I close my eyes, exhaling the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.

  I don’t even have my thoughts all in order when I hear another voice beside me, “She’s barely holding on while fighting for her life. She has demons. They both do. Whatever happened to them, it’s in there deep. Both of them are so scared, you can practically feel the fear coming off of them.”

  I look over at Brenda, who is on her porch watering her plants.

  “Tread lightly, Jackson, or better yet walk away if you aren’t going to do anything about it.”

  I don’t have a chance to respond as Brenda walks into her house, closing her front door softly, leaving me fighting my own demons.

  Chapter Five

  I sit in that spot Jackson left us in long after I hear the lawnmower stop.

  My thoughts drift over the great day this started out to be.

  Brenda brought us to a big Wal-Mart Super Store. It was a ‘one shop stop.’

  Lilah’s eyes grew so big once we got to the toy aisle. I couldn’t say no when I saw something I knew she loved. Case in point the plastic table and chairs that are now on the porch. Along with five coloring books, crayons, colored pencils, markers, Play-Doh, and one beautiful cabbage patch doll. Yup, to say I went overboard is the understatement of the year, but fuck did it feel good to be able to give her that.

  Next was the food. We filled two carts. It almost looked like we were getting ready for the apocalypse, and maybe we were, but for the first time in a long time, I had a kitchen, I had money for food, and I actually had food to cook in it. I was going to be cooking every day from now on.

  Brenda was the one who did all the talking. She kept telling me stories about her and Nan. I felt somewhat closer to Nan listening to those stories.

  McDonald’s was its own adventure. Lilah couldn’t believe they actually gave you a toy with the food. She was so afraid to love it for fear of it being taken away. So when Brenda gave it to her with a loving smile, she took it and hid it beside her.

  She’s learned never to get attached to things because they were always taken away from her at one point or another. One year, I saved to get her one of those dolls with the stroller. She had it for a week before one of Adam’s friends fell on it while he was high and then they set the doll on fire.

  When we made it home, I quickly put away all the food. We had abundance, and it felt so good. I also found Nan’s recipe box with all her recipes from when I grew up. Chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies, sugar cookies, banana bread, lemon loaf, all the recipes that she made during my childhood. It was something that I would now give to Lilah.

  “Look at this, baby girl, Nan’s recipes for cookies. How about we go outside, you can color, and Mommy can mow the lawn? Then maybe we could make us some of those cookies?”

  She smiled up at me, giving me her answer without saying anything.

  Making our way outside, I knew it would be hard since I still had bruises on me so going out in shorts was not even an option. So I put on my long pants with a long-sleeved shirt. I grabbed a hat to help cover me from the sun.

  It took me nearly forty-five minutes to figure out how the fuck this lawnmower machine worked. I read and reread the directions.

  I mean, how hard could it possibly be to pull the string to get it started? When it finally did start, I let out a squeal of joy at the same time that Lilah clapped for me and said, “Good job, Momma, you did it!”

  “I so did it, baby girl. Why don’t you color me a picture we can put on the fridge inside and also one for Ms. Brenda that we can bring over to her later?”

  She nodded, her pigtails bouncing with the movement.

  I was mowing the lawn for maybe ten minutes before a shadow came over me. I turned to look up—way up—into furious, blue eyes. We maybe exchanged a couple of words till the great day ended.

  I’m not even sure what happened when I heard the screeching sounds from Lilah next to me. Her hands on her ears, I did the only thing I know to do. I grabbed her and searched for a hiding place.

  I know I can’t outrun anyone, but I’m still going to try my hardest to do it.

  I made it to the corner right behind the couch and huddled myself over her until I felt heat by my legs. I knew Jackson had followed me in.

  I’ve known him for a day, but just having him here brings me a disconcerting bit of peace, which is stupid since I know better.

  Which brings me to now, two hours later, and I’m pulling myself up to put Lilah in her bed. I don’t think she’ll wake up for pizza. I tuck her in and go downstairs to wash up. I still smell like grass and gasoline.

  I’m drying my hands when I hear a soft knock at the door.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Jackson and a large pie.”

  I unlock the door. He steps in, filling the whole doorway. I haven’t turned on any lights in the house, so just a small light is shining from the kitchen stove.

  “Were you sleeping?” he asks, looking around. “Where is Lilah?” He moves around me to the kitchen to put the pizza down on the table.

  “She’s in bed. She’s probably exhausted after such a busy day.”

  “Did she eat?” He places his hands on his hips, which makes the tight shirt he’s wearing pull across his chest.

  “She ate McDonald’s at three. She might be up early. I don’t want to wake her to eat.”

  I don’t know what the protocol is. I’ve never been in a room with a man before without trying to shield myself.

  “Is that pizza for all of us or just for Lilah and me?” I look from the pizza to him.

  “It’s for you two. I got my own waiting for me at my house.”

  I don’t know why a sense of disappointment washes over me thinking he got two pizzas, but I pack it away.

  “Well, thank you for cutting the grass and for dinner,” I say while wringing my hands.

  He nods. “See you soon.” He turns around and leaves me in the middle of my kitchen with the delicious smell of pizza.

  Making my way over to the table, I open the box and the aroma makes my mouth water.

  I grab a slice, the cheese stringing to break apart. I eat it faster than I should have, causing my stomach to hurt from over filling it so fast.

  I pack up the rest of the pizza, thinking about warming it up for lunch tomorrow.

  Right before I go to turn off the light, I pick up Nan’s recipe box and decide tomorrow Lilah and I are going to bake some cookies as a thank you to Brenda and Jackson.

  I’ve made two friends in one day. Almost like they were gifts from an angel.

  I make my way upstairs right after I lock all the doors, placing chairs under the handles of the front and back doors. If someone breaks in, I’m damn well going to hear them.

  I take a nice hot shower, shampooing my hair twice.

  When I make it to bed I close my eyes, but I’m haunted by the piercing blue eyes all night. Only in my dream, I’m not running away from them. No, even scarier is the fact that I’m running toward them.

  Chapter Six

  “Momma.” Little butterfly kisses touch my cheeks, making my eyes flutter open. “Momma, I’m so hubgry.”

  I pull my girl onto the bed and cuddle her close to my chest to give me an extra few moments to wake up. I know she went to bed without dinner, so she must be really hungry. As if on cue, her stomach lets out a grumble.

  “Oh, boy, you must be really,
really hungry. What about having pancakes today? Would you like that?” I kiss her before finally climbing off the bed and going to the washroom.

  Once we get downstairs, I start the coffeemaker and open the blinds in the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve done this. One step at a time. I also put the chairs back to where they belong.

  Grabbing the ingredients to make pancakes, I place them on the counter. “Come on, love bug, come up here so you can help me mix.”

  Her excitement shows as she starts flailing her arms, jumping up and down.

  I pick her up, placing her safely on the counter. I pour the mix into a bowl while we both add in the water, milk, and oil. I make her break the egg, which of course ends in shells in the batter since she basically crushed it with her hand.

  She immediately looks down at her hand, saying, “I sorry, Momma,” her brown eyes filling with tears.

  “Baby, it was an accident. Look, I’m going to make it all better.” Taking a spoon, I scoop out the broken eggshells. “See? All better now, but how about Mommy breaks this one to show you how it’s done?”

  I break the egg and then give her a spoon. “Okay, let’s mix this up so I can make us some big pancakes and we can eat them with extra syrup.”

  We mix it together, then she plays with the Play-Doh on the floor right next to the table while I continue to make us breakfast.

  From my spot in the kitchen, I can see shapes outside the window shades. I really need to get some thicker shades.

  I see Jackson’s truck is already gone. I don’t even let my mind wander there. He doesn’t need me. I’m the last thing he needs in his life.

  “Okay, ready to eat some yummy pancakes?” I serve up two pancakes on each plate. Getting her into her booster seat, another purchase from yesterday, I get her all settled and served.

  The minute she tastes the pancake, or more accurately, the syrup, she hums in appreciation. “This so good!” she says as syrup dribbles down her chin and onto her shirt and her hair. She finishes nearly everything on her plate.

  “Someone needs to take a bath or else you’ll get eaten by bugs when we go outside to the backyard.”

  “No outside, Momma.” She shakes her head left to right, her hair sticking to her chin.

  “Love bug, we’re going to go outside to see how Mr. Jackson cut the grass and then we’ll come back in and bake some cookies as a thank you for doing all this for us.”

  “Scarby outside, Momma.”

  I pluck her out of her booster seat and head upstairs to start the bath. “It is scary outside, but how about we hold hands? We can do it if we do it together.”

  She looks up at me, her brown eyes so fearful and confused, I don’t know what else to say to reassure her.

  As she plays with her ducks in the tub, another new thing we bought, I tidy up the bathroom while mentally making a to-do list.

  Once she is dry and dressed, I sit her on my bed with a couple of picture books while I get started on dusting the house.

  People live here now. We live here now. We will thrive in this house now.

  I tie the bed sheet curtains to the side, letting the sunlight shine in. I run downstairs to get the cleaning products and bring them all upstairs. Maybe forcing her outside today will be too much.

  One step at a time. I start to work first on the room Lilah sleeps in. The closets are almost bare since most of Nan’s stuff was given away to goodwill.

  There are a couple of boxes shoved on the shelves. Reaching up, I pull a box down. The dust floating off the top just about chokes me. Placing it on the floor, I open the box. A gasp immediately escapes my mouth.

  I’m assaulted with every single one of my childhood accomplishments. Every picture, every letter, every report card, every single award. It’s a much-welcomed reminder of a happier time in my life.

  I grab the other box and opening this one knocks me on my ass. There are hundreds of pictures of me. Well, not just me, but Nan and me, my friends and me. My childhood memories come flooding back to me. The teenage years and horrible hair choices make me laugh. Then, finally, the last picture taken right before I left for college.

  I can barely recognize the girl in the picture. Carefree, the only thing on my mind was to get out from under Nan and be my own person.

  I wish I could say I would go back, but if I did I wouldn’t have Lilah, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

  “Lilah, come and look at these pictures of when I was a little girl.” I hear her plop off the bed, her feet padding softly against the floor as she runs into the room.

  She plants herself right on my lap, fitting herself in between my crossed legs. “You small?” She looks up at me.

  “Yup, I was small just like you.” I rub my nose on hers. “This is me and my Nan.” I show her the last picture we took. “She would have loved you. She would have braided your hair and made cookies with you, and she would have protected you.” A tear escapes at the thought she will never sit and do those things with her.

  “Momma, you sad? You have ouchies?” She carefully gets off of me, looking for my ouchies.

  “No, honey, no more ouchies. Ouchies all gone,” I tell her. “You want to go downstairs and eat some pizza?” I remember Jackson dropping it on the table and leaving quietly so as not to wake Lilah.

  “Pee-sah?” she asks, confused.

  “You’ll love it, I promise. After that, we can make cookies. Would you like to do that?”

  “I wan pissa and cookees.”

  The afternoon flew by after heating up pizza for Lilah, which she now says is her favorite food ever. We carefully got Nan’s recipe box out of the cupboard and made her famous chocolate chip cookies.

  The house smelled like so many memories of arriving home after school and her having them waiting for me. Of sitting at the table with cookies and a glass of milk while telling Nan all about my day at school. It never got old no matter how old I got.

  Lilah finally went down for a nap long enough for me to start on dinner.

  She ate the chicken I made with mashed potatoes but made sure to let me know she liked the pizza better. I sat at the table, my eyes always finding a way to look at the house in front.

  After I washed all the dishes, I set a plate down and filled them with the cookies we made today.

  “Okay, baby girl, let’s go see Mr. Jackson so we can thank him. Okay?”

  “Shoes?”

  “Yes, baby, get your shoes.”

  I assess myself in the mirror to make sure I look somewhat decent. My stomach flutters, and my heart is beating erratically, not knowing how he will take this.

  Making our way over to his house, I notice there are two cars now parked in his driveway. It never even occurred to me he might be with someone. He could be someone’s husband. He could be someone’s something.

  I’m all of a sudden regretting my decision once we get to the door and Lilah reaches up to ring the doorbell.

  Fuck me. I think I’m sweating.

  The door opens and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen smiles at us. “Well, hello there. Can I help you guys?”

  “Um...umm...Lilah and I were coming by to thank Jackson for cutting our grass yesterday.”

  “Oh my gosh, aren’t you the cutest little girl I have ever seen.” She gets down to her level, and Lilah becomes shy and hides behind my leg.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner. I just wanted to thank him.” It’s almost like I’m stuttering, feeling I’m doing something wrong, hoping she doesn’t know that last night I dreamed of her boyfriend, that he’s been on my mind all day. “You can enjoy them for dessert.” I try not to make eye contact in case she can somehow see the disappointment knowing he has someone he keeps safe.

  She gets up and smiles at me. “Thank you so much. Jackson is on the phone, but I will give this to him the minute he comes back down.”

  I reach out to give her the plate, which she takes with a real genuine smile.

  “
They smell delicious. We will definitely be eating this tonight.”

  I nod and smile at her, picking Lilah up in my arms. “Let’s say good night to Miss...?”

  “Kendall. My name is Kendall.”

  “Bye, Miss Kendall.” With those words I make my way across the road, trying not to let my head play tricks on me.

  “How about we take a nice bubble bath together, and then we can have a sleepover in Mommy’s bed? We can read stories.”

  “Yeah. Momma bed?”

  “Yes, baby, Momma’s bed.” I make it to the front door and turn around to lock it, taking in the house across the street.

  The shadow in the upstairs window draws my attention up.

  I know it’s him. I feel him watching me. I can’t see his face or his eyes, but I know they are on me. I feel him looking, I feel his stare.

  I close the door, not taking even a second to look toward the window to see the man with the blue eyes, who’s been haunting my dreams from the first time I saw him.

  Chapter Seven

  Jackson

  I hear the doorbell the minute I press accept on my phone.

  “My wallet is on the counter. Take the money.”

  I was surprised to see Kendall’s car in my driveway when I got home.

  I was even more surprised when I came in and she was lying on the couch watching television.

  Kendall and I met in high school. First crush, first kiss, first everything. Till the day everything changed and she took a backseat.

  No matter how many times I tell her I can’t give her what she wants, she still shows up.

  Don’t get me wrong, she dates. I know this because when she is with someone, she doesn’t come around. I also know the minute it’s over because she gives me a call.

  I’ve never called her. I’ve never chased her. Doing that would give her the wrong idea, and I’m not that guy.

  “What have you got?” I ask Mick.