Hell And Back

by Natasha Madison

  “I mean come here and kiss me.” He pushes himself from the table, turns in the chair, and opens his legs so I can walk into them.

  I look down into his blue eyes as I wrap my arms around his neck, my fingers tunneling into his hair.

  “Morning,” he says softly.

  “Good morning, Jackson,” I whisper as I lean down and kiss him. Our lips connect, and my mouth opens to him. Our tongues dance together. Tasting, sliding, learning.

  His hands roam from the back of my thighs up my ass to rest on my hips. He groans into my mouth, and that sound coming from him makes my knees weak. I break the kiss, breathless.

  “I need that kind of kiss every single morning,” he teases me.

  “Not sure about every morning, but I’m happy to participate when I can.” I laugh when his eyebrows pinch together.

  We hear running upstairs, and I know Lilah will be coming back down any second. I lean down and give his lips a peck before I walk away to put the dirty coffee cups in the sink along with Lilah’s plate.

  Two seconds later, Brenda is downstairs with Lilah at her side dressed in a cute pink sundress we picked up on one of the shopping excursions. Pink socks, pink shoes, and pink hairpins complete her outfit.

  “So are we going? American Girl isn’t going to wait for us forever,” Brenda says.

  “American girl?” I ask her, confused.

  “Momma, they make Lilah dolls. Ook like Lilah.”

  “I have no idea what that means, but I guess I’ll go change so we can go.” I walk past them and head upstairs.

  Ten minutes later, I’m standing in front of my dresser, looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve put on a flowy white skirt with a yellow fitted top. My ribs aren’t visible anymore, and my skin is now glowing with a golden summer tan. I look healthy. I look like me or what used to be me.

  I’m taking me back. I’m making me, well, me again. Tying my blonde hair into a ponytail, I smooth my shirt down before sliding my feet into my new white ballerina flats.

  Yup, I’m ready for this.

  I make my way downstairs to find them sitting on the couch. Lilah spots me first. “Momma ready. Let’s go.” She jumps up.

  “Okay, let’s go. Jackson already put the baby seat in his truck since it’s bigger,” Brenda says, grabbing Lilah’s hand to head outside toward Jackson’s house.

  “Fuck me.” I hear him hiss out.

  “What’s the matter? You don’t have to come. You can stay home. We can catch up later.” I look at him, hoping he still comes with us.

  “You’re so beautiful.” He makes his way over to me and leans down to kiss my lips. My lip gloss shimmers on his lips when we break apart.

  I reach up and wipe it off his mouth. “Thank you.” It’s all I say. It’s all I can say without giggling like Lilah.

  I grab my purse at the door, making sure my phone is inside it. Taking the keys from my hand, Jackson makes sure the door is locked before grabbing my hand and walking across the street.

  Brenda and Lilah are already settled in the backseat. I’m surprised Jackson walks me to the passenger side of the car. He opens the door to help me in before closing it.

  Brenda clears her throat in the back. I don’t turn around. “Don’t, just don’t, not now,” I say to her while she belly laughs.

  Jackson makes it into the car. “Everyone buckled up? Let’s go check out this American Girl place,” he says while backing out of his driveway.

  Lilah shoots her hands up in the air. “Yeah, we go.”

  With that, the three of us laugh. I look out the window, watching the houses zoom by when I feel his hand in my lap grasping at mine.

  Looking down, I see both of my small hands wrapped in one of his. I take his hand into mine and hold it there. Nothing else is said. I just accept it while looking outside, listening to the music playing on the radio and finally relaxing enough that I’m enjoying myself.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jackson

  I’m in the middle of girl hell. I’m sitting down at a table, having lunch in a doll store with Lilah and her new hundred-dollar doll.

  The minute we walked through the doors I groaned. This isn’t what I thought it would be.

  There are dolls everywhere. Shorthaired dolls, dolls with long hair, blonde hair, brown hair, blue eyes. You name combinations and they have the doll to fit it.

  As if that weren’t enough, then you have to clothe them. Every conceivable outfit is available here for you to buy for them. Let’s not forget the matching outfits for the doll owner, because you know, it’s apparently important they match.

  I shake my head when I look down and see four big red American Girl bags filled with outfits, props, books.

  Brenda didn’t even give us a chance to see anything. She took off with Lilah, leaving Bella and me to just wander around the store awestruck and a little overwhelmed.

  By the time we found Brenda and Lilah again, they were sitting at a table in the American Girl Bistro, having lunch with a new doll that looked eerily like Lilah.

  “What is in all those bags?” Bella asks when she sits down with them.

  “Doll stuff, Momma,” Lilah says, grabbing her apple juice to take a sip. She looks up at her with a bright smile, complete with an apple juice mustache.

  “Brenda, how much did you spend?” Bella looks over at the woman who is drinking a coffee with laughter in her eyes.

  She doesn’t answer, just shoos her away with her hand. “I don’t know. Who cares? Look at the smile on my little heart.”

  “Momma, is doll stuff, Momma,” Lilah says in a serious voice.

  “Lilah, did you say thank you to Ms. Brenda?” She looks at her daughter.

  “She did, she did,” Brenda answers. “We have a hair appointment in twenty minutes.”

  I look at her, wondering if she is losing her mind.

  “What do you mean, a hair appointment?” I ask her, crossing my arms across my chest.

  “We are going to have the doll’s hair done and styled. Isn’t it exciting, little heart?”

  “Hmmm,” Lilah answers while nodding her head.

  “You have lost your mind. Are you crazy? How much are you paying someone to style the doll’s hair?” Bella looks over at her, asking her the question I’m dying to hear the answer to.

  “I’m not sure. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard about it, but I’m so excited to see what they can actually do with a doll’s hair.” She has officially lost her mind.

  Four hours later, we are finally back in the car on our way home. The hairdressing salon showed them how to care for and style the doll’s hair. Braids, ponytails, hairpins, curls, and everything else that can be done to hair.

  “Ackson, pizza?” Lilah says from the backseat while looking out the window at a pizza billboard posted on the highway.

  “You want pizza, baby girl?” I look sideways at her.

  Her head nods yes.

  “How about we swing by on the way home and pick up some? Would that be okay with you, Bella?”

  “Sure, that would be great. I don’t think anyone has the energy to cook after this afternoon.” She cuts her eyes at Brenda, who has her head resting on the backseat with her eyes closed.

  “I think we finally found something to slow her down.” Bella laughs at her.

  “I need a shower and my bed or just my bed,” Brenda says to no one, her eyes still closed, making us all burst out laughing.

  Two hours later, Lilah is passed out like a star fish on the couch, doll tucked into her arm, pizza sauce still on her face.

  “Who knew shopping for dolls would make them so tired?” Bella says from beside me on the other couch. Her feet are in my lap where I put them, her head resting on the back of the couch.

  I pull her legs more on me till she is sitting in my lap. “Jackson.” She puts her hand on my chest.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I say, kissing her cheek. “I look at you and I catch my breath at how beautiful you are.” I ki
ss her under her chin on the side.

  Her hand bunches my shirt. “I should really get home.” She moves her hands up to my neck.

  “Not yet,” I tell her while I look into her eyes, leaning in, and kissing her lips. “Not yet.” I lick her lip, waiting for her to open for me.

  The minute she does, I invade her mouth with my tongue, sliding it in, waiting for her to tangle her tongue with mine.

  Her one hand on my chest, the other on my cheek, I just can’t fight the feeling in me.

  The gentleness she has, the calmness she makes me feel, the feeling of complete and utter peace.

  Pulling her closer to me, not giving her an inch, I tilt my head to the side, deepening the kiss. Her nails dig into my chest, causing me to groan out.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, biting her bottom lip. “I...I...I don’t know.” She shakes her head, trying to dislodge herself from me.

  “Hey.” I pick her chin up, making her look at me. “None of that. One step at a time, okay?”

  She just nods her head yes.

  “Now let’s take sleeping beauty home and tuck her in.”

  “Okay,” she whispers, rubbing her thumb across my jaw, feeling the stubble from yesterday.

  Getting up, she collects all of Lilah’s things, putting everything in her big American Girl bag. I pick up Lilah from the couch, her head resting on my shoulder, drool already pooling on me.

  Once we make it upstairs into their room, Bella washes her face, changing her into her PJs while I watch from the doorway.

  “She’s out like a light,” she says while she yawns.

  I laugh at her. “She isn’t the only one. Come lock the door, angel.”

  I turn around, making my way downstairs to the front door.

  I’ve never wanted to stay someplace more in my life. I’ve never wanted to be asked to stay as much as I do in this one second.

  “Will you come by tomorrow?” The only light on her face is from outside.

  “Yes, I’ll be over for breakfast.” I lean in, kissing her lips before turning and leaving.

  When I’ve made it down the steps, I hear her say, “I can’t wait.”

  I turn around to see her wave once and then softly close the door.

  I smile to myself, thinking, I can’t wait either, my Bella.

  Chapter Twenty

  Bella

  It’s been a whole month of breakfasts, some lunches, and every single dinner.

  It was all moving in baby steps. I couldn’t even begin to think of taking it to the next level. I mean, I want him, I’m attracted to him. But my body is still in the past. Whenever I start to think of maybe taking the next step, I just shut down. My mind immediately goes back to that night.

  “Hello, angel.” Jackson’s voice brings me back to the present.

  We are now standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Another thing we started doing together since we eat breakfast and dinner with each other.

  Lilah sits in the carriage while she eats the goldfish crackers Jackson opened for her.

  “I’m sorry. What did you say?” I look at him to see that his eyes are trying to ask me questions.

  “I said do you need more mac and cheese or do you still have some from last week?” He points to the boxes of mac and cheese.

  “Oh, no, she is out of that phase, it seems. She is now all about chicken soup with princess noodles,” I say, laughing. Once Lilah tastes something new she likes, it’s a week of her wanting that, and only that, to eat before she’s on to the next new food.

  “What did you want to make tonight?” he asks while he pushes the cart down the aisle, stopping to add the crackers, gummy bears, and jelly beans he knows Lilah loves.

  “It’s your turn to cook. I did it last night. You know you said we’d alternate days. So you tell me, what are you making us tonight?” I laugh at him as I lean into his side. One hand goes around my shoulder while the other pushes the cart with Lilah in it.

  His thumb rubs down my arm, giving me goose bumps. I feel so comfortable with him now. Lilah actually caught us kissing a couple of times in the kitchen in the morning.

  She giggled the whole time, so at least that was another easy transition for my girl.

  “Lilah, how about we eat pizza and ice cream?” Jackson asks her, knowing full well what her answer will be.

  “Why would we eat pizza when we are at a grocery store picking up food?” I ask while he leans down and kisses my lips.

  “So I can spend more time cuddling with you. I have to work all day tomorrow, plus tomorrow night so I need my Bella fix.” He kisses me one more time then leans down and kisses Lilah on her head while she shovels goldfish into her mouth.

  Five hours later, we are at my house finally settling in on the couch. Lilah’s sugar high finally brought her down with her falling asleep while cuddling with her doll while we washed up the dishes from dinner.

  “What are we watching tonight?” I ask. He’s lying down so I pick up his legs, placing them into my lap while he flips through the channels, settling on The Big Bang Theory.

  He throws the remote on the table and flips to the side, holding out his arms. “Come lie with me, Bella,” he asks softly. His eyes are blue like the sea, and all I want to do is get lost in them.

  I go into his arms, lying chest to chest. His arms circle around me, caging me in. His scent is all around me. Jackson.

  Taking one hand, I run it through his hair, rubbing his neck.

  “You look like an angel,” he says, kissing my cheekbone, moving down to my cheek, my jaw, and then back up to my lips.

  The minute his lips touch mine, I sigh. Letting his tongue in, I let out a moan. His hand cups my ass now, pulling me closer so I can feel his erection.

  My hand moves from his neck all the way down his back where I cup his ass in response. Fuck, it’s hard just like the rest of him.

  He assaults my mouth. It’s almost like he’s making love to me. My hands move up into his shirt, over his muscles and soft skin.

  My fingertips try to trace the tattoo I have memorized from all the time he is without his shirt.

  His hands are following my lead by going up my shirt, slowly coming to the front, cupping my breasts.

  He pulls away. His eyes are now the color of a dark, stormy, blue sky.

  “Is this okay, Bella?” he asks while I just nod. “I want to see you, Bella.”

  I know what he’s asking. I’m not sure how my voice will come out, so I lean down, kissing his neck as I pull back and tug my shirt over my head.

  I’m now lying with him in my white cotton bra. Nothing fancy, since I didn’t think this moment would come now. At least it’s filled out a little more.

  His finger traces the top of my bra’s cup. “So beautiful, even more than I could ever imagine.” He is looking down at my breasts, and my chest heaves heavily.

  Grabbing his shirt, I pull it over his head, getting his head caught in the process.

  I’m finally able to touch the tattoos that have been taunting me since that first day I saw him.

  I trace the one wing he has on the left side of his chest. One lone, broken wing. It’s beautiful. The way the feathers are tattooed on it looks like I could actually feel them if I rub them enough.

  “My father passing away was the roughest thing I had to face. But I knew, in the end, he was my anchor.” I lean in, kissing it.

  “You’re a good man, Jackson.” I hook one leg over his hip, trying to get closer to him. Any more closer and I’d be inside of him.

  I kiss him, tilting my head to the side to deepen the kiss. Our tongues fight to control the other.

  He snaps my bra open, using his hand to move the straps over my shoulder and down, letting my pink nipple free. The air makes it pebble.

  He rolls it softly, the sensation going straight down to my core. My thoughts are that I’ve never felt this. Sex was never like this.

  He pulls back. Bending his head, he takes it into his mouth, sucking
it in slowly. My head falls back as I bask in the moment of bliss.

  My hands rub his back down to his ass and up again. I’m not courageous enough to grab his cock. But I don’t stop myself from rocking into it.

  “So beautiful.” He kisses me right next to my nipple before bringing his mouth back to mine. My chest flushes with the heat from his chest seeping through me.

  He keeps kissing me. Keeps sending shivers up and down my body. His hand snakes lower now till he gets to the button on my pants.

  He tries to open it, turning it right, trying to shake it left. The shaking of my pants brings me back to that fateful night.

  The time I fought them not to touch me. The time I begged Adam to help me and not do that. The pulling of the button is too much. Before I know it I have slipped back in time, and I am shaking.

  Jackson notices the mood shift. His hands rub up and down my arms, trying to talk to me, but my body has disconnected from here and now.

  I jump up, looking for my shirt, my hands trembling as I hold it close to my chest to cover myself. My teeth chatter with the coldness I now feel.

  Jackson comes to a sitting position. “Angel?” He tries to reach out to me, but I take a step back. The hurt in his eyes flashes before me.

  “You should go.” My voice cracks as the tears start to flow down my cheeks and silently drip off my chin.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” He stands up, putting his own shirt on. “Come here and sit with me. I promise not to touch you.” He pats the couch next to him.

  I turn around, attaching my bra and putting my shirt back on as the shaking finally subsides. “I’m sorry. You should go,” I tell him while looking down at the floor, not sure what to say.

  He doesn’t give me another second until he is up and holding me in his arms. “You have nothing to be sorry about, but I’m not leaving. You promised me cuddling. You owe me cuddling,” he says while picking up my chin and looking into my eyes.

  “We are going to go sit on the couch,” he says, pointing to my biggest nightmare now. “You are going to sit with me and cuddle while we watch a show I choose. Got it?”