Just Breathe

by Anna Leigh Keaton

  Dex laughed.

  “And... The uncles have never—no matter how many of their favorite meals I cook, and cook well—let me forget my goof up.”

  Dex gently bumped her shoulder with his as he laughed. “It’s obvious you are their pride and joy. I heard a lot more bragging about you tonight than I heard about your goof ups.”

  Her smile softened. “I’m the only one that stayed in the area. They take care of me.”

  “I don’t know. I see an awful lot of you taking care of them. Cooking them meals, you taking Jerald to the doctor the other day for his check up.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know what I’d do without them. After my parents died, they were the ones I could turn to. And then...” She stopped talking and handed him another plate.

  “Go on,” he urged.

  She glanced sideways at him and then shrugged. “They’ve always been there when I needed someone.”

  Dex could plainly see the depth of her love for the old men. As clear as it was that those men cherished her. He wondered what it would feel like to be included in that kind of family, surrounded by that much love. Not just surrounded by it as he had been tonight, as an observer, but to be included in it. To also have that love aimed toward him. He’d always been an observer. He and Sheri had always watched and waited to be included, but they never were. Always on the outside.

  They finished the dishes in silence and wrapped up the leftovers, though there wasn’t much left, and put it away.

  “Why don’t you go get changed?” Dex asked as he headed out of the kitchen. “We’ll take the baby monitor outside with us.”

  “Changed?” she asked with a puzzled expression.

  “To go in the Jacuzzi.” He grinned. “You’ve been on your feet cooking all day. You’ll enjoy it.”

  “Oh. Uh...no. Thanks. I don’t...” She wrapped her arms around herself again, and he wondered at the motion. He hadn’t seen her do it before, and now she’d done it twice in a half hour.

  “Come on, the tub fits eight.” He winked. “I’ve had parties where we squeezed in a dozen.”

  She shook her head, her brow still pulled into a frown. “I’m kind of tired. I think I’ll just...”

  Crystal was acting rather peculiar, but he didn’t want to push. There was something bothering her tonight, and he didn’t think it all stemmed from their shared kiss. “Okay. But you can come out and socialize with us, can’t you?”

  She nodded but looked away. He got the impression she didn’t want him to look too deeply inside her. He’d promised he wouldn’t push, and he wouldn’t. But that couldn’t stop him from wondering. Worrying. Which was a foreign emotion for him where a woman was concerned.

  She dropped her arms and moved toward the fridge. “I’ll make some lemonade,” she said. “You want to check on the girls while you’re upstairs?”

  “Sure. I bet they sleep for a while still, since the uncles kept them up.”

  She did smile then. “Yeah. They can’t get enough of them. Now that you’ve invited them into your house and your Jacuzzi, they might start moving in.”

  Dex chuckled and headed for the stairs. “I’m not sure I’d mind so much.”

  * * * * *

  Crystal sat in the dark on the patio and listened to the sounds of crickets chirping, the light breeze rustling the leaves of the old oak she sat beneath, and the men talking and laughing as they lounged in the Jacuzzi. Gus had spilled the entire macaroni story, and then Jerald had told Dex about the time in high school health class that she had to carry around a five-pound sack of flour for a week pretending it was a baby. She was also taking home economics that same semester, and her baby wound up as piecrust.

  Dexter’s deep, rich laugh brought tears to Crystal’s eyes, and she was glad she sat in the darkness so none of the men could see her surreptitiously swipe away the dampness. Her emotions rolled like waves. Lust, combined with embarrassment and fear, were driving her insane.

  She couldn’t erase the feel of his lips from her mind. How his big hands had been so gentle on her. How warm and solid he’d felt as he stood behind her and kissed her neck. Her body hummed and damp heat throbbed in places she’d not long ago thought were dead to physical needs.

  But in her heart, she knew she wasn’t what he wanted. What a man like him needed. Sure, she could play Suzy Homemaker just great. Take care of his kids, cook his meals. But someone like Dex, who was used to women who looked like models and made as much money as he did, wouldn’t settle for the real Crystal Jorgensen.

  She was so far in debt she was trying to decide if she should file bankruptcy. And that was the least of her problems.

  Crystal sipped her icy lemonade and then laid her head back and stared up at the stars. The patio light had burned out right after everyone climbed into the Jacuzzi, so here they sat in the dark. She liked it.

  One summer when she was about eleven, all three of the families had gone camping in Olympic National Park. Their group was nearly twenty in number, and all the kids shared one big tent. Unable to sleep, she’d left the tent late at night and snuck back toward the campfire to listen to the adults talk.

  She’d loved how they sounded, especially the men. Their voices low, the quick bursts of laughter. It didn’t really matter what they talked about. Just like now, Gus spoke of when he and his wife moved to the area from the Midwest in the sixties. The topic of conversation didn’t matter; it was the sense of companionship she so cherished.

  Male bonding at its best, she thought with a smile as she closed her eyes. Tonight it was the bubbling hot tub rather than a crackling fire, but it was still the same.

  “You sure you don’t want to join us, Crys?” Dex asked.

  “No, thank you,” she answered with a wistful sigh. She didn’t want to intrude on their conversations. And she couldn’t wear a swimsuit in front of Dex, anyway, even if she owned one.

  “She’s shy,” Charlie said in his not-so-subtle whisper.

  Dex laughed, obviously not knowing how on target Charlie was. “She’s got nothing to be shy about,” he said.

  “She thinks she’s too skinny,” Jerald piped in.

  “She is pretty skinny, but it’s not her fault,” Gus said. “She eats a lot.”

  “All that damn poison they put in her,” Charlie said with heat behind his tone.

  “Hey!” Her heart thudded too hard as she sat up. “I’m right here, and I’d prefer you didn’t talk about me.” She didn’t want Dex knowing about the cancer, the treatments, her disfigurement.

  “Sorry,” Charlie muttered.

  Silence fell over the group. She pushed to her feet and picked up the baby monitor from the ground next to the chair. “I’m going to check on the babies. Charlie...”

  “I know, honey. I’m sorry.”

  She fled the backyard, praying the uncles kept their collective mouth shut about her. As she made her way up the stairs to the nursery, she realized she should have specifically told them not to say anything about her illness to or in front of Dex. But she hadn’t thought the topic would just happen to come up in conversation.

  Dex was only her employer. Her boss. She put a stop to the touching and made it clear she wouldn’t kiss him again. There was nothing she could do about her body’s hormonal surges that made her want to jump him. She’d just have to live with those. But she wouldn’t let him any closer physically, and emotionally, she needed to block him. She admired him too much as it was. It wouldn’t take a whole lot for her to fall head over heels in love with him. No way in hell could she let that happen. No way. Dexter Williams was not the man for her.

  She looked down at the sleeping babies and wanted to pick them up and hold them so tight.

  Damn.

  She was already falling for Dex. How could she not? He was sweet and loving and had taken in these two precious babies that she already loved as if they were her own.

  She had to, had to, had to keep reminding herself that she didn’t have claim to these beautiful ba
bies or Dex. In a couple of months, she’d be gone, Dex would have a new nanny, and she’d be moving on with her life.

  But who would make sure Dex ate breakfast? Who would make him chocolate chip cookies and cocoa?

  “Not my concern,” she whispered.

  Who will make Ruby and Amber chocolate chip cookies when they’re older? Who will they call Mommy? Who will they go to—

  “Stop it,” she whispered to herself as she turned away from the crib. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back. This was not her family. Not her babies. Not her...lover.

  She went into her room and shut the door. It was hard to keep a positive outlook on life when it seemed life would never, ever return to normal. How could it be normal when she lived in fear of discovery? When she was terrified to let herself open to a man? To anyone but her dear old uncles?

  She didn’t need a man in her life to be happy. She knew that and fully believed it. But it wouldn’t hurt if she did have one. Someone to curl up next to and take comfort from. A man with strong arms to hold her when she felt lonely...and scared.

  Without turning on the light, Crystal set the monitor on her nightstand then slipped out of her clothes and underwear to pull on her soft, silky nightgown.

  “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Crys. You’re here, and you’re alive. Stop whining.”

  She sniffled and crawled into bed, curled up and wrapped her arms around herself. “Just hormones,” she whispered. “They’ll pass.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Crystal.”

  Crystal came awake with a start at Dex’s low voice whispering her name. “What?”

  “Honey, Gus is downstairs. It’s Charlie. An ambulance is on the way.”

  She shot up to a sitting position and glanced at the clock. Just after three in the morning. “What’s wrong with him?” She practically shoved Dex out of her way as she jumped from the bed and searched the semi-darkness for her clothes. “What’s wrong with him?” she said again, hearing the panic in her own voice.

  “Gus thinks it’s a heart attack.”

  “Oh, God. No.” Tears blurred her vision as she ran into the bathroom to get dressed, slamming the door behind her. Uncle Charlie couldn’t be having a heart attack! He couldn’t!

  “Sweetheart,” she heard Dex say from the other side of the door. “Are you okay?”

  Crystal sniffed back the tears and nodded. “Yeah,” she said as she pulled her shirt over her head. She was fine. It was Uncle Charlie who was— No! He’d be fine. He had to be.

  She jerked up her jeans and buttoned them, then pulled open the door. “I have to go,” she said as she grabbed her purse from the dresser where she kept it. “I’m sorry. I have—”

  “Go. It’s okay.”

  She looked at Dex for the first time and realized he was in his boxers again, barely dressed. The sound of sirens rang out, and she rushed down the stairs to see Gus pacing just outside the open front door.

  “Where is he?” she asked when Gus pulled her into his arms.

  “Jerald’s with him.” He motioned to the ambulance stopping in front of his house. “Come on.”

  A big, warm hand closed over her shoulder. She turned to see Dex standing in the doorway looking so big and sexy and rumpled, and she wanted a hug from him so badly.

  “Call me, Crys. Let me know.”

  She nodded then followed Gus across the street.

  Jerald was letting the paramedics into the house. In a matter of what felt like seconds, yet also felt like forever, the paramedics had checked Charlie, put an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, and loaded him on a gurney and into the back of the ambulance. Gus told her to go with Charlie, that he’d bring the car to the hospital.

  Crystal held Charlie’s hand. She’d never seen her uncle so pale. His skin was clammy, his breathing short and labored.

  Tears fell from her eyes while the paramedic talked to her, but she couldn’t comprehend anything the man was saying. All she saw was Charlie. All she felt was sheer terror that he was dying. Her thoughts focused on praying as she’d never prayed before.

  Please, God. Don’t take him away from me.

  * * * * *

  Dex heard the front door open. He set aside the papers he’d been reading and stood up from his desk and stepped into the upstairs hallway.

  “Hey,” he said softly as she slowly climbed the stairs.

  She looked up at him, and his heart stalled. She had dark smudges beneath her red-rimmed and puffy eyes. A shaky smile flitted over her lips, but ended with her biting her bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. “He’ll be fine,” she said in a tight, raspy voice.

  He wanted to reach out to her, offer his shoulder for her to lean on, but she walked right past him and into the nursery. Confused, he followed. She reached into the crib, lifted a sleeping Amber into her arms, and snuggled the baby against her chest. She kissed Amber’s head and rocked the little girl side to side. Then she carefully laid the baby back in the crib, picked up Ruby, and repeated the process.

  “Crys?” he whispered.

  An almost silent sob slipped out of her, and she buried her face against Ruby’s little shoulder. The baby was sound asleep and oblivious, but Crystal was ripping Dex’s heart out.

  Carefully, he took Ruby from her arms and laid the baby back in the crib. Crystal rushed out into the hall and into her own room. Dex followed, but Crystal shut the door to her bedroom before he could follow.

  Standing there for a few long moments, Dex debated what he should do. Go to her and give her what comfort he could, or leave her alone? She was so small and looked so very...bruised. He’d never been good at reading what a woman wanted, but his gut told him that Crystal needed someone right now. That she shouldn’t be alone.

  Gus had called from the hospital hours earlier to tell him that Charlie had suffered a bout of angina. He was scheduled for several rounds of tests and would be in the hospital a couple of days but, overall, he was okay. Or would be once the tests were confirmed and he had some medication. So, knowing all that, Dex wasn’t quite sure why Crystal was so upset.

  Other than she’d spent the last sixteen hours at the hospital and had to be utterly exhausted.

  He was about to turn away and go back to his office when he heard Crystal’s muted crying. He couldn’t let her be alone. She needed someone. When his knock on her door went ignored, he did something he wouldn’t normally do. He turned the knob and went in without invitation.

  She looked so small curled into a ball on the bed, the pillow pulled over her head in obvious attempt to muffle her weeping. Without a second thought, he went to her, stretched out next to her, and pulled her into his arms.

  She struggled against his gentle hold for a moment, then collapsed against his chest, buried her face against his throat, and sobbed. Her hands fisted in his T-shirt.

  “I could have killed him,” she wailed after gulping in a breath.

  “Shh. Sweetheart.”

  “Rich foods. He’s not supposed to have rich foods or eat too much.” She sniffled then sobbed again. “He had two servings of lasagna and garlic bread. I made him go to the hospital. He could have died...” Her words trailed off on another sob.

  She was being ridiculous, blaming herself for Charlie’s angina, but he figured she didn’t want to hear that right now.

  “He can’t die,” she said a few minutes later in a softer voice, after she’d calmed some. “He’s the only family I have. Those three men are all I have. I can’t lose them.” Her body convulsed around another sob. “I don’t have anybody else.”

  You have me and the girls.

  The thought came out of the blue, utterly startling him. He kept it to himself, not even knowing what he meant by it other than he cared about her. He’d take care of her if she needed him, wanted to take care of her because she’d already done so much for him. She made him want a family. A whole family. Crystal made him want to know what love was. Man/woman, happily ever after kind of love that he swore he
never believed in before she showed up on his doorstep and turned his world to rights.

  As Crystal lay in his arms and cried, a dizzying wave of sadness passed over him that almost sucked the breath from his lungs. Sheri. He tried to push his sister from his mind, he wasn’t yet ready to deal with losing her, but her image floated in his mind’s eye.

  He tightened his arms around Crystal and buried his face in her soft hair, drawing in deep breaths in attempt to dispel the sorrow swamping him. But it wouldn’t leave. Pictures of Sheri spun in his mind. Of their childhood. Their high school graduation. Their first apartment they rented when they were in college because they hated being apart in student housing. How proud he’d been when she received her doctorate in psychiatry. How beautiful she’d looked in the moment she first held her babies.

  His eyes burned, and his head throbbed. He’d been furious with Sheri for leaving him. She’d abandoned him and left him with two babies he didn’t have a clue what to do with. Two babies he hadn’t wanted. He’d told her that in vitro was a mistake. She needed a husband before she had kids. She needed a family. But she’d laughed at him and told him he could go first with finding a mate. It wasn’t for her. Love between men and women was a joke—one thing they’d always agreed upon.

  But she’d been his family. If they’d been able to love each other so deeply, why had they shut everyone else out? He and Sheri had been carbon copies of each other except for a simple chromosome. They’d both been afraid to really...live.

  Sheri had suffered more than he had, yet she’d been open enough to want to have children, something he had never wanted for fear he’d discard them the way they’d been abandoned. Or worse, what if he wound up an abusive person, or a drunk, or a drug addict? But Sheri had still had enough love inside her to want more, even if she couldn’t ever trust a man to be a father. Trust anyone but her own brother to raise them for her.

  She’d known, though, he reminded himself. Known she was going to die. She’d named the babies and written a will in the hour after their birth. She’d signed them over to him before she left, and he’d been furious when he arrived at the hospital, was informed of her death, and told about the will.