by A. C. Wilson
The fact that Max could be so calm while being heavy handed pissed Lena off. He was manipulative and they were only having this conversation so that the McCoy Livestock name could be bandied about with Bobby Cruz, the next World Champion Bull Rider. It made her sick.
“A moot point? I was battling for my life and he thought I was disgusting!” Lena railed at him, so much force causing her to lose her breath. Her chest heaved and spots danced around in her vision.
“Don’t be so dramatic.” Max was without concern as he had been the entire time her mother had stayed with her.
“Don’t be so dramatic? I could have died.” Death still haunted her and the fact that she had been spared was not something she had come terms with yet.
“You didn’t die. You are very much alive and so is Bobby. He wants his family back.” Such a cavalier statement to make and not a moment was spent on his daughter’s well-being.
“If you want him back in your family, then you marry him. I won’t make that mistake again.” Lena wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold out. If he kept up this barrage, she might crumble and reverse the last six months of progress.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I think it is time for you to go now, sir.” The voice slipped passed her defenses and for a moment, Lena closed her eyes. She clung to the door as she imagined her father’s irritated and curious gaze as it settled on Declan Marcos.
“Who are you to tell me to leave?” Max McCoy pulled out the condescending voice that usually had people backing up. Lena opened her eyes, trying to pull air into her lungs as she watched Declan face off with her father. Declan’s military bearing made him look like an immovable wall and Lena appreciated that.
“I’m a friend of Lena’s and from the tone of the conversation, I believe you need to leave.” Declan crowded Max against the railing of the small porch so that he stood nearly between Lena and her father. It was a bold move to be sure.
“I am her father and we were having a family discussion.” Max blustered, looking at his daughter with dark, hard eyes.
“With all due respect, a family doesn’t act this way and a father certainly doesn’t talk to his daughter this way. Please leave now.” Declan’s tone brooked no argument and Lena almost wanted to let him handle it for her. Almost.
“I have nothing more to say. You won’t get what you want and I want a family who loves me for me. This isn’t it.” Lena swallowed as she pointed back to the street. Her father debated whether to go or not. She could see it. Turning away, Lena stepped back inside the door and felt Declan follow her. She only made it far enough inside that the door was able to close. Its definite click made all the stressors bust through her body. Her hands started to shake, her knees wobbled, and tears slipped from her eyes. Heavy, strong arms wrapped around her from behind and held her up.
“Shhh…” Declan’s warm breath fluttered against her ear as his chin tucked into her neck. Lena couldn’t believe her luck. No matter that she railed, cursed, and chased him away, Declan had come back. She wondered if that’s what a constant was, but reminded herself that she hadn’t had someone long enough to be constant in her life.
“I’m a mess.” She whispered into the room. It only made him tighten his hold on her body and she decided she didn’t want to fight the tears anymore. They had been building for so long and despite the reasons she was pushing Declan away, he just seemed to come right back.
Declan let her cry silently there in her living room, but he moved her towards the couch. He sat down, pulling her with him and willingly she snuggled against his chest where her tears soaked into his soft t-shirt. His heartbeat lulled her into a trance and her eyes slipped closed. Soon fingers were weaving their way into her hair and massaging her scalp. It felt wonderful and Lena could feel the weight of a sleepless night dragging her system down.
“I’m tired.” She sniffed against his chest. Declan reached for the remote and turned the television onto the news. The volume was low and it added a certain comfort to the quiet that felt too abrasive.
“Sleep now. We will talk later.” Declan’s deep voice rumbled her ear on his chest. She nodded, even though later would come too soon. She wasn’t ready for this talk. She had been trying to avoid it altogether. Closing her eyes, Lena tried to focus on dreams she wanted to have. Maybe Declan would understand all that she would have to tell him. Maybe Declan would still want her anyway.
Maybe.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Lena couldn’t get away from the feeling of being squeezed so tightly that she couldn’t breathe. Her brain was in such a fog that the dream she was currently having made her believe that Declan was pressed up against her back. She was protecting him, but she couldn’t quite see why. Her eyes were gritty as she blinked and closed them again. Declan’s hot breath was warming her neck and even in sleep, she wanted him to touch her, to know her even more intimately than anyone else. Her legs twisted together to ease the ache that throbbed. Declan’s hand grazed her breast and an involuntary moan escaped. That same masculine hand covered her mouth.
“Shh, they’ll hear you.” Declan’s lowered voice and hurried words barely registered, but the body language kicked up her heart rate. Blood was hammering in her head now as she fought to understand what was going on. Declan would never hurt her. She was as certain of that as her need to breathe.
“Don’t say a word.” Declan’s firm authority made her nod in agreement. His hand pulled away from her mouth and he tucked his head into the curve of her neck. The ache was becoming something insistent on attention. Swallowing hard, Lena shifted slightly so that his hand grazed her breast again. The jolt was pure pleasure and it only fueled the desire for more. She pushed her backside into him, shifting again without making noise, but she smiled when his breathing quickened.
They were in some sort of purgatory, suspended between slumber and waking. It was the perfect place for dreams that couldn’t become reality. Lena bit her bottom lip as ever so slowly, Declan began to respond. His hand that was under her shoulder slipped up to caress her unrestrained breast. His other hand that had covered her mouth outlined her hip and inner thigh. His nose nudged aside her hair from her neck and he dropped kisses to the side of her neck. Lena melted, giving into what she most craved and shutting out the negative voices in her head that told her she could never have it.
Declan’s questing digits caused a demand in her like no one ever had and she wasn’t too proud to admit that. Lena was antsy to feel his lips on hers, so she shifted ever so slightly. She was as quiet as she could be, which only heightened the fantasy. A smile tugged at her lip as she thought about moaning again just to feel Declan take charge. As much as she hated high-handed men, Lena knew that Declan didn’t do it to restrain her or virtually silence her wishes. Therein was the difference between him, her ex-husband and her father.
How odd that she had been so focused on her inner thoughts that she was unaware of Declan’s hand moving beneath her sleep shorts. The moment that his fingers touched her, all thought of breathing left her and his mouth descended onto hers. The swirl of emotions turned into a cyclone and it raged like a Kansas twister. Throwing herself into the dance, Lena was so tired of fighting the world. Right now nothing mattered outside of them and the small, heated space between.
“I want you, Lena.” Declan’s husky voice groaned into her mouth as he slid one finger inside her. Her head fell back against his arm as she fought not to surface. He was awake and he was talking to her. There was no denying that he knew what they were doing and as much as she wanted it, something was throwing on the brakes. “Stop thinking.” Declan demanded in that hushed, authoritative tone. It sent a tremble along her spine and it was greeted by the merging of a second finger. Her traitorous body followed the ebb and flow of his motions. Every nerve was painfully alert as were her breasts as he nuzzled her over large t-shirt out of the way. The crescendo was building, the pitch streaking higher and higher still. Her head spun, her thoughts disoriented behind her cl
osed eyes.
Flat on her back now with Declan sandwiched between her and the couch, Lena was desperate for the peak. It had been so long since she felt the reaches of such a place with someone that mattered to her. Declan took his mouth away from her breast and kissed the underside of her jaw. She moaned, unable to fight the wildfire licking through her veins.
“Open your eyes.” Declan whispered hotly against her ear and she didn’t hesitate to obey. “I want to see what I do to you.”
It made her nervous as hell to look into his eyes, those adoring, amazing dark eyes. It came as fantastic and all-consuming as she filled her mind with Declan Marcos. He wanted to know that she wasn’t anywhere other than in his arms. He brought her the stars and she couldn’t deny it.
“Do you want to talk about it now?” Declan asked her, sometime later. Her body was still in his arms, but her mind was further away.
“I guess we should start with how much you overheard.” Lena didn’t want to talk about what had just happened between them. It was raw and too new to dissect at this immediate moment.
“You were dying?”
There it was. The question that was waiting to spill out and tarnish everything. Lena was certain he was going to wish that she was just a bitch who was pushing him away instead of the truth she had to tell him.
Lena nodded, looking down at her folded hands. “Three years ago I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.” Her stomach knotted and twisted as she blinked back to the moment she was told. She was ambushed by the facts and the need to get out in front of it if she was to live.
“Your father said you were better now? Is that true?” Declan’s voice had slipped back into the military persona where the facts were the facts. There was very little emotion coming off him, which was completely the opposite of her.
“For now, yes, I am physically fine.” Lena couldn’t even begin to go into the emotional pain. The scarring might never be eased and it was much easier to transform the outer appearance anyway. “Anything can happen though, so I try to stay vigilant.”
“No one else knows.” Declan hit that nail on the head. She nodded once and twisted the little ring around on her finger. “And you were married.”
Lena blinked the tears back as she struggled to keep ahold of herself. Another nod confirmed what he did not question. “His name is Bobby Cruz and he’s a top bull rider. We were married for three years until I got sick.” Lena covered her breasts with her arms, protecting herself again from the rejection she had suffered more than once. “When I was diagnosed, my doctor recommended a mastectomy with radiation. In order to cut down the risk of dealing with this for the second time, I made the decision to have both breasts removed.”
Her chest felt so tight, as if she were holding her breath and fighting the urge to take more in. She closed her eyes, trying to pull everything back together. Warm hands gripped her elbows, holding her without pulling her against his body.
“What happened after that?”
“Bobby couldn’t hack it.” Her bottom lip trembled and her teeth grated across it. “He thought I was disgusting.” The pain tore through her chest, a gasp wrenched from her and physical ache for the naiveté lost forever. “He didn’t want me anymore. He couldn’t even look at me without repulsion in his eyes.” Her hands covered her mouth. She hated feeling weak and powerless.
“Bastard.” Declan growled, slipping his hands along her cheeks and using his thumbs to swipe at the tears. “He didn’t deserve you, Lena. You are a beautiful person.” His dark eyes were searching hers and she didn’t feel the taunting she thought she might. It made her ache for something real without knowing how to get it.
“You weren’t there. I wasn’t beautiful then.”
“I wish I was there for you. I am here for you now.” His grip on her cheeks firmed as he made her face him. He wouldn’t let her slink away. “The beauty I see has nothing to do with your outward appearance.” Declan wrinkled his brow. The words weren’t coming out like he wanted them. “Of course you are stunning, but I fell in love with this girl right here.”
Lena was overcome, but not so overwrought as to mistake the words he was saying to her. He didn’t look as surprised as he looked relieved.
“How can you fall in love with someone you didn’t really know in the first place?” Lena asked, more in wonder than in anger. Her jaw clenched on saying more.
Declan smiled, shaking his head at her. “Everything that you have told me doesn’t change who I see. You never pretended to be something that you weren’t just for me to like you. I don’t care what other people think. I’m not other people.”
“You don’t care that other people think I’m a slut with loose morals? Doesn’t it bother you that just last night a guy under a similar impression wanted to have sex with me and then hand me over to someone else?” Lena didn’t take the time to wonder what she was doing. Word vomit kept coming out of her mouth and it wouldn’t stop. She was making Declan show up and be accountable for all the bad guys in her life.
“I do care. I care so much that I wanted to kill that guy. I wanted to tear him apart.” His words cut him to the quick, she could tell. It was hurting him to be so honest with her.
“This whole town thinks I sleep around when I haven’t had sex with a guy in three years.” Another gem dropped from her mouth. She wanted to kick herself. The look in Declan’s eyes had to be shock. It was shocking! The town slut hadn’t had sex with a guy in three years? There was no way anyone would believe that, even if she told them.
“What about today?” Was he laughing at her? Lena detected a light in his eyes that she couldn’t name. How could she answer him about today? She would be lying if she said she didn’t want it to go that far. She wanted him badly, but she wanted him to truly want her. The real one hiding underneath the stigma and strain. “Relax. I’m not going to make you answer that.” Declan bumped her chin with his knuckle so that she would look at him again. “But don’t think for one minute that I don’t like having you to myself. I won’t share you.”
Lena shook her head. “Haven’t you heard a word I have said? I haven’t been with a guy in three years.”
“I heard you. I’m also telling you that if you commit to me, then you’ll never want or need anyone else.”
The whole conversation was landing on her like a bag of rocks. Would it be terrible to wonder if he had truly accepted all that she had carried the last three years? She didn’t really know who he was either. All her thoughts were a blur and the closer she sat to him, the worse they were.
“I think we both need time to process this, Declan.” Lena got up from the couch and found her legs to be a bit wobbly. Declan got up with her.
“You mean you want me to rethink what I’ve said to you.” He accused and pointed his finger at her. “You want me to disappoint you, because that’s all you’ve known.”
Lena turned to him. “That’s not,”
“It is the truth. You have a father who takes your ex-husband’s side against yours. You have an ex-husband who should have been by your side every moment to see that you made it out. I’m sorry, Lena. You survived, but parts of you are still dying because you aren’t living.” He looked so angry and saddened. Each word hit home for her.
“Well that’s a fine thing to say when you can hide out there on Johnson’s horse farm. If you don’t want to be around people, you don’t have to be.” She was grasping for something to equal his insight on her. He looked surprised by her words. Maybe even a bit guilty.
“I help people, Lena. In the process of helping them, I am helping myself. I’m not dying, but sometimes I feel like I am.” He was breathless, slumping onto the arm of the couch. His hands were outstretched to her. “I close my eyes and I go back to a battle zone. I am right back to hearing the percussion of grenades and the ricochets of rifle fire. The air is so thick with dust and debris that I can’t breathe.” She watched him go back there. He was there now-some place so far away she couldn’t to
uch him. “I know the darkness intimately.” His eyes looked up into her face and she felt the chill from the depths. “Maybe we will never know everything about each other. God knows there are things I can never tell you.”
“I’m sorry.” Her hushed words whispered between them. Declan shook his head and he took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry too. Neither of us is responsible for the past.” He reached out, clutched her wrist and pulled her closer. “I want you to give us a chance. That’s all I am asking.”
Lena thought about it and bowed her head for a second. It was times like these that she wished her mother was still alive. She could have used the guidance. “I will give us a chance as long as you recognize that we might never go any further.”
It was a fair warning. She couldn’t be responsible for making promises.
“I understand.” With that said, Declan gave her a hug and continued to hold her.
CHAPTER EIGHT
His gut twisted as he recalled her words about her ex-husband and Declan felt the rage bubble up inside him for what the idiot had put her through. Her father was something else entirely. It only added to his image of what a father should be to his child and Max McCoy was not it.
“Are you even here right now?” Blake asked, breaking into Declan’s thoughts and drawing Declan’s attention. “What’s on your mind?”
Declan looked at the pitchfork in his hand and shook his head as if to clear the haze away. He had been a bit foggier than normal and that paired with his concerns for Lena, well they made him anxious.
“She had breast cancer, Blake. Freaking cancer and her husband, excuse me, ex-husband now was repulsed by her having her breasts removed to save her life! He divorced her for saving her own life.” Declan was surprised at how fast the words came out and how angry he was for the situation she had been put into without any support.