Solid Stone: Revolving Door

by E. G. Patrick

  I say firmly, “Adam we spend most of our time at your place, it’s only this week that you stayed at my place for the first time.”

  “Yes, but I realized how convenient it was for both of us, I thought we could do it more often.”

  “Now you’re just trying to manipulate me. You said you were thinking about buying your own place downtown. Remember our conversation? You quickly appeased me when I suggested you could stay with me whenever you wanted and that’s when you said, and I quote, ‘Violet, if I was going to live with any woman it would be you, I hope you know that.’ I have the conversation etched in my brain.”

  He goes quiet again like he’s trying to think of another angle. I look out the window as I am getting angrier now and don’t want to look at him. Thankfully we are getting closer to the city. I am hoping we can end the subject and just enjoy the rest of our time together before he leaves for another stupid fucking business trip. Of course I’m wrong. Adam pulls up in front of my building. He turns off the car and looks at me. “Violet, I can’t condone you living with another man. I just can’t.”

  “Adam, he’s not you. How could you even think I want anyone other than you? ” His expression softens a little.

  “It’s not you I worry about; it’s you being in an apartment with another man when I am not there. It’s not jealously or mistrust, I know you are mine. It’s a safety thing. You of all people should know how men can behave if they want something when you don’t.”

  He’s stooping to any level now to try to make his point. “That was a low blow Adam. If I had let that asshole five years ago get the better of me after his lame and failed attempt to bed me, I wouldn’t be here with you now. You are way more threatening than he was, and far more dangerous.” The venom spits out of my mouth easily because I am so angry at him. He is shocked and goes silent, not having a quick retort this time. I continue to look out the window. I want to slap his face right now.

  “What does your dad think?”

  Fuck, he’s got me there. “I haven’t told him yet.”

  “Well that’s reason enough to the let guy know immediately so he can find another place to live, he still has time, over three weeks. It’s enough time.”

  “Why? He hasn’t done anything wrong, plus we have a proper agreement in place until April of next year. Please Adam, let’s just end this conversation. We are going nowhere with it.”

  He almost sounds desperate when he says, “I’ll pay half your rent will that help? It’s the least I can do. I should have offered before. I can even pay your bills. I should help you. I have the means, just tell how much you need?”

  “Adam, it’s only $600 a month which I know is pocket change to you. I don’t want your money. How many times do I have to tell you that? I have my own solution, and that’s getting a roommate.”

  He is getting frustrated with me, I can tell, and I watch his jaw become tense again. “Violet, I won’t stand for this. There is no way you are sharing your apartment with another man while you’re with me. I won’t budge on this.”

  I can feel my temperature rising as tears of frustration start rolling down my face. I reach for the car door, which he quickly locks from one of his switches on his side of the car.

  I look over at him and he is looking over at me our eyes are locked. “Adam, unlock the fucking door or I will scream blue murder.” I know I sound manic right now, but I am so angry with him that I can’t think straight. He keeps staring at me and tries to take my hand. I lose it and scream, “Don’t touch me and let me out of this car right now. I can’t stand to be near you. You are too fucking demanding. Let me out!”

  I see him flinch as the words come out of my mouth. He doesn’t know what my next words will be and for a fleeting moment I think there is a little fear in him, wondering how loud I am prepared to scream to get out of his car. He unlocks my door and watches me fling it open. I don’t even close it as I busy myself trying to find my keys. I finally find them and can barely see the key hole as the salty tears begin to sting my eyes. I don’t even look back until I turn around to make sure I close the normally slow door behind me so he can’t come in. I see him standing at the curb about to follow me. He stops when he sees me quickly pull the door closed behind me. He looks hurt, but I don’t care right now. I run up the stairs without even looking back.

  As I reach the top of the stairs I can feel my heart pounding. I walk quickly to my front door and let myself in. I slam the door behind me and lock it tight. I can hear the buzzer going as I turn on the hall light. It’s not quite dark yet, but will be soon. I throw my purse down on the sofa when I realize I left my overnight bag and makeup in the trunk of Adam’s car. Shit. The buzzer stops and in a few minutes starts up again, and I turn it off. All l I can think about is, do I have makeup for tomorrow? Anger is a strange emotion. I check the bathroom and pull out some makeup that will do for tomorrow. I feel a bit of relief at solving one problem. I sit on my sofa and can feel and hear my heart still pounding. I can tell I’m going to get a headache from the horrible excitement. More tears come rolling down my cheeks. Sobs take over my entire body until I begin to choke. I run to the kitchen to get some water. As I drink, my throat burns from all the crying and coughing. I lean against the kitchen sink and breathe to try to calm myself.

  I can hear my cell phone ringing in my purse. I freeze, unable to move to answer it. I sit on the sofa of my now dimly lit apartment. I have no will to turn on the lamp beside me. I sit like this for what seems like an eternity and finally reach for my purse to pull out my phone. The call is from Ann, not Adam. I can’t bring myself to talk to her right now. It’s almost 9 and my head is pounding. I’m smart enough to take some Advil and throw myself onto my bed. This is the second time Adam has made me feel this way. The unhappy feelings take over again and I begin to cry some more. At some point I fall asleep, only to wake up at 5:30.

  My eyes are glued shut and swollen from all the crying from the night before. My mouth is drier than normal and my body aches with an unease I can’t quite describe. It lingers and follows me around like a dark cloud. I manage to get up out of bed and make my way into the bathroom to shower. The water washes my body, but none of the pain and agony that I feel at this moment. I vigorously wash my hair hoping it will make me feel stimulated and it doesn’t. I condition my hair and massage my scalp hoping that it will help me feel better, but it does not. I drag myself out of the shower and dry my aching body. I can’t be bothered to blow dry my hair today, a ponytail will have to do. I manage to put on some makeup not wanting to go to work looking too much like the old me. I get dressed and collect my things. I’m only running about ten minutes late as I walk out the door and make my way to the train to get to work. Paul is in for only a part of the day before he leaves for Chicago. I am thankful for this. I delve into my work and try to block Adam out of my mind. At 4:30 I get ready to leave. I can do some more work at home. I just want to be alone to feel sorry for myself. At 10 I say out loud, “Monday’s over, thank you.” Tuesday passes much in the same way.

  It’s on Wednesday that Adam comes back to mind full throttle. I’ve been a zombie for the last two days, feeling nothing but numbness. Now the real pain comes to me. I lie in my bed looking up at the ceiling trying to understand how the wonderful weekend ended up the way it did. I begin to recollect the events of Sunday night. I remember the argument almost word for word and most importantly that I lost my control and stormed off. I ask myself why I ran away from him. I could kick myself now for not letting him follow me up to the apartment. If I had, we would have been able to talk more and work through it. I get up and check my iPhone and there is nothing from Adam.

  Agonizing feelings come flooding in. This time last week I was happily getting ready for work and looking forward to his calls or receiving text messages from him. I make the decision to work from home as I just don’t have the energy to make the trek into work. I would probably cry a
ll day anyway. Paul is in Chicago so it’s a good day to stay home. I open my laptop and send Paul a quick email letting him know I will be working from home today. I tell a white lie that some building maintenance is being done and I need to be home to let them in. He replies back instantly saying it’s no problem and he hopes everything goes well. I can always count on Paul to be nice. I feel a sense of peace that only lasts for a second.

  The pain worsens when I remember Adam’s face and how hurt he looked when he watched me close the door so he couldn’t follow me in. Like a ton of bricks, it all hits me. First, Adam’s story about his feelings around love and the terrible reason he feels that way comes rushing back to my mind. I realize what I had said, no, screamed at him could actually make him worse. We were doing so well, moving along at a pace he was comfortable with. He was adapting to being with me, he was even adjusting his travel schedule so he could spend more time with me. We were heading in the direction I wanted, finally. I begin to feel sick to my stomach. And then, all of the love I feel for Adam comes gushing forward. I feel lost and alone without him. What have I done, and worse what damage have I done to him? I decide to send him a text. I sit for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to write when I finally come up with: Adam, I know you are traveling. Please let me know when is a good time to call you. I really miss you. Violet xoxo.

  I press send feeling a slight bit of relief at trying to make contact. I realize I haven’t eaten properly since Sunday afternoon. Looking in the mirror I see that there are dark circles under my eyes that weren’t there before. I need to pull myself together and decide to call Ann to get her help and guidance if I don’t hear from Adam. I put on the kettle to make tea when I realize I am going back to my old ways, but I just don’t have the energy to take the extra step to make coffee right now. I put a slice of toast in the toaster realizing it will be impossible to eat when it’s ready. I take my tea and toast and sit at the dining table. I start to sob when I think of Adam and me sitting here only a week ago. The sobs turn to burning, uncontrollable tears. I rest my head in my hands and let it all come pouring out.

  My sides hurt from crying so much. I stand up and tell myself to get it together and make a plan of action. I am not feeling too confident about Adam. He always finds a way to reach me, but this time he has not. I try to lighten my mood when I think it was only days ago when he told me I was perfect for him. I need to stop thinking and start planning. To ease my pain, I tell myself he was waiting for me to make the first move. I’ve done that now, so surely he will contact me. I decide to give him time to think of a response. After all, it took me thirty minutes to write mine. He may need more time given his busy meeting schedule. All of a sudden, the pain inside of me increases. It feels like a pointy knife moving around my stomach up my side, to my heart, and back down again. This repeats itself over and over again causing unrelenting agony that seems to live and breathe inside of me. This is the bad side of love, the part that hurts like hell. I get a glimpse of how Adam may have felt when he found his uncle when he was only twelve. I am almost twice that age and find this feeling is unbearable.

  It’s almost 4 and I still haven’t heard from Adam so I decide to call Alice. I dial and hang up the first time. I make another cup of tea to help settle my nerves and stall for time. At 4:15 I call the main switchboard and ask for her. The friendly receptionist puts me through and I hear the phone begin to ring. There is a small amount of excitement and nervousness in my belly. I take a deep breath just as I hear Alice say, “Adam Stone’s office.” I hang up the phone as hearing his name causes me to start crying again. I am no better off than I was this morning. Wednesday afternoon becomes Wednesday night. My dad phones and I do well at pretending nothing is wrong. I don’t want him worrying about me. When he asks how Adam is doing I simply tell him he is fine and traveling this week. I tell my dad I love him before I hang up the phone.

  Out of the need to do something I swallow all pride and send Adam another text: Adam, I am just checking that you received my text from earlier this morning. I am worried. Please reply. Violet xoxo.

  I realize I haven’t checked my personal email since Sunday. I quickly grab my laptop and sign into it. My heart races as I watch the emails load up in front of me. I am hoping that one of them is from Adam, but there isn’t one. I delete the numerous ads and log off my computer. I am tired, broken hearted, and sad. I take two Advil and fall into a restless sleep on the sofa waking up at 1 in the morning when I move to my bedroom. As I am about to fall asleep I realize I need to call Ann as I don’t know what else to do now.

  My alarm goes off at 6:30 and I realize it’s only the Thursday of a very long, drawn out week. I go through all the motions of getting ready for work, but feel nothing but heartache at the possibility and reality that Adam is finished with me. He must’ve gotten my two text messages; he’s received all the rest in the past and replied instantly to most of them. I don’t have the strength to be angry, I just want him back. I get dressed and again tie my hair into a ponytail. I manage to put on some foundation and lip gloss before I leave for work. Surprisingly having Paul around is a welcome distraction and helps me get through the day. I text Ann asking her to call me and say it’s urgent. My phone rings just as I am exiting the station on my way home. As soon as I hear Ann’s voice I burst into tears. “Vee, what’s wrong. Where are you?” I manage to blubber that I am walking home from work and will be home in five minutes. Ann replies, “I’m coming over. I’ll be there in less than an hour.”

  I sit in my apartment waiting for Ann. Just the waiting is a temporary coping mechanism distracting me from the horrifying scenarios that keep running through my mind about Adam. Even saying his name in my mind hurts like hell. I can’t believe how I feel. I knew I loved him, but I didn’t realize how much until now. I can’t imagine not being with him or worse, him with anyone else. Why didn’t I just tell him I would find another a roommate it would have been so much easier and less painful. My buzzer goes. I press the speak button and say weakly, “Hi.”

  “It’s Ann, let me in.” Within seconds she is at my door with a pizza box and a bottle of wine under her arm. She takes one look at me and I see worry come across her face. “Violet what’s going on? You look terrible, you look ill.”

  She follows me to the sofa and we sit down when I burst into tears falling into Ann’s arms. She lets me sob for a while before she tells me to pull myself together so I can tell her what happened. I take some of the strength from her voice as I control my tears for the first time in days.

  Before I can even speak she asks, “Does this have something to do with Adam?”

  I reply, “This is all to do with Adam.”

  She says, “Go wash your face and get changed. I’m going to serve us some pizza and pour us some wine.” I do as I am told only feeling one percent better, but it’s something. I come back to the sofa with a clean face as she hands me a glass of wine and insists I eat the pizza slice she has plated for me. I take a bite of it but I don’t really taste anything and then take a big gulp of wine. The warm, smooth liquid warms my insides helping me to relax just a little. I begin to tell Ann the whole story including our exchange of how perfect we are for each other on Saturday night. I can see the bewildered look on her face asking how we got from that to this. She sits quietly digesting what I’ve just told her before she comes clean with me. “To be honest Vee, he has a point. How would you feel if he had a female roommate?”

  Instantly I reply, “I wouldn’t like it.” I begin sobbing again at my own stupidity.

  “Then why would it be any different for him?” I compose myself, wanting to continue the discussion. This could have been resolved Sunday night if I had not run off. I tell her how Adam tried to follow me up to the apartment and how I deliberately locked him out and even turned off the buzzer to ignore his attempts to reach me because I was so angry.

  I start to cry again as I tell her what I said to him. “I told
him I didn’t want to be near him. How could I tell someone I love something like that?” More pain engulfs me as the wracking sobs take over again.

  Ann snaps me to attention when she says, “Crying isn’t going to solve this. You need to go and see him and sort this out once and for all.”

  “I tried calling his office twice today and hung up both times like a frightened cat.”

  “You should call tomorrow and find out if he is back in town and if he is, I will drive you there on Saturday. The only way to deal with this is face-to-face. You sure he hasn’t tried to reach you?” I shake my head no.

  “I sent a couple of texts and he hasn’t replied.”

  I actually begin to feel a tiny bit better knowing I at least have a plan now and may have a shot at fixing things between Adam and me. I hug my friend and thank her profusely for coming to my rescue. We each drink another glass of wine before she leaves. “I’ll call you tomorrow over lunch and by then you should know where he is.” After she leaves I go straight to bed, feeling a little relieved and very tired.

  On Friday morning I get to work at the usual time and at 10 decide to call Adam’s office. I go into a conference room and dial the number of Laurier & Stone. I breathe and remind myself how important this call is. Again the friendly and helpful receptionist answers the phone when I ask for Alice. She promptly puts me through and after two rings I hear Alice say, “Adam Stone’s office.” I pause for a second and breathe again. I find the strength to sound casual and say, “Hi Alice, it’s Violet, how are you today?”

  “Oh hi Violet, how are you doing?”

  “I’m great thanks,” I lie and then say, “Can you tell me when Adam is back in town?”

  There is a pause on the line before she says, “He cancelled his trip this week. He called himself late on Sunday to cancel it. I was surprised when I found him in the office on Monday morning.” Alice is too polite to ask why I didn’t know, and I am so grateful to her for that. She goes on to say that he is golfing today and tomorrow morning and that she had booked the tee off times herself on Monday at his request. I ask outright what time is he scheduled to be home after golf tomorrow.