Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  “Do you remember promising yourself to me last night?”

  Jimmy breaks out in a girly giggle behind us. “Oh my god!”

  “Casey.” I pull her chin up so her eyes meet mine. “Do you remember?”

  A lone tear spills over her left cheek. I bring my hand up to catch it with my thumb. “Answer me.”

  She shakes her head even as she answers. “Yes, Jon. I remember.”

  “You made a promise to me.”

  “We were drunk. You were drunk, Jon. I won’t hold you to it.”

  My heart thrashes painfully in my chest at her rejection. “No? You won’t?”

  Another tear falls. “No.”

  Fuck this. “Well I’m holding you to it!”

  “Jon--”

  I throw my arm over Casey’s shoulder despite her trying to duck and escape again, then I spin us with a smile on my face as though everything is right in the world. Most everything is, I just have to get her to come around. She will eventually. “Guys. Mama. Meet my wife.”

  Jimmy giggles ridiculously as he slaps his thigh and snorts. Aiden remains speechless beside Tina. But Bobby… Bobby’s mouth flounders. Open and closed. Open and closed.

  “Jon Fart--”

  I pull Casey tighter against me as she continues to fight my hold. “Brother. I got married last night.”

  “Jon… And Tink…” His eyes flick from mine to hers and back again. “You got married?”

  I nod. I think if anyone on this entire planet, besides my Sunshine, knows what this means, it’s him.

  “Are you happy?”

  I snap my eyes to Evie’s for a second before I shout how fucking happy I am. I censor my words, though I’d much rather shout about it. “Yeah, B. I’m happy.”

  Casey twitches beside me like I hit her with my fist. “You are?”

  I turn us and block everyone out with my back again. I nod as I study her eyes. “I’m so fucking happy, Sunshine. I’m in it this time. I’m not gonna fuck this up.”

  Another tear spills over her cheek. “But it’s already fucked up.”

  Now it’s me that feels like they’ve been hit. With a car. “What do you mean already? It just started.”

  “You got married while you were drunk, Jon. I’m not holding you to that. I know your thoughts on this--”

  “No.” I shake my head and I stare down into her eyes. “You knew my thoughts. I’ve grown though, Sunshine. I’ve changed. I want different things now.”

  “But--”

  “I want you.” Please believe me.

  “Jon.” Casey steps forward, walking into my chest and resting her cheek over my heart. She must hear the rapid thump-thump-thump. It’s beating for her. It always beats for her. I envelope her in my arms, I hold her close to me as she wraps her own arms around my stomach.

  It feels like it’s been a lifetime since we last held each other like this. This is what I need in my life; I just need her. I need her arms, her heart. I need her to hold me. It doesn’t matter that she’s the smaller half of our team. She’s the strongest. She’s the one who holds me at night. She’s the one who holds me together.

  “Jon. This isn’t a marriage I can continue. We were drunk, and I’m not convinced you’re totally sober right now. I can’t in good conscience continue this. I won’t force you into a decision you made while drunk. I’m sorry.”

  “Sunshine. No--”

  “I’m sorry this happened, okay?” She steps out of my hold and my arms drop to my sides. “I’ll fix this. I’ll fix it right away and you can go back to your life.”

  “But Sunshine--”

  “My name’s Casey.”

  She’s tearing my fucking heart out. “Well you told me last night, Casey, that you love me.” I’m getting mad now. We’ve danced this dance too long. “You told me you’d love me forever.”

  She nods, teasing me with momentary relief before she continues to rip me to shreds. “I didn’t lie.” She looks past me for a minute as she meets the girls’ eyes. I turn too. The girls are sad, a deep, sorrowful sadness filling their features, and their faces hurt me. They’re watching a train wreck. They see the death and carnage barreling down on me and they’re unable to stop it.

  Bobby, Jim, Aiden and Jack are no longer laughing nor floundering. They look almost as heartbroken as I feel. That’s somehow worse than the girls.

  Girls are emotional beings. They can turn on tears at the snap of their fingers, but not the guys. The guys look like they want to hug me. Fuck!

  She steps toward me one last time and pulls my shirt so I lower my face. She kisses my cheek softly and I feel the elastic snap in my heart. “I didn’t lie, Jon. I do love you. I love you so much I know this isn’t what you would want. It would be terribly selfish of me to try to keep you trapped in a marriage you didn’t mean to enter. I’ll forward you the paperwork when it’s sorted.”

  My body convulses at her repeated blows. She’s more lethal than any man I’ve ever fought in the octagon or out. She hurts me more than anyone ever has before. I glare at her as I process her words. “Paperwork?”

  She nods softly. “I’ll organize for a divorce right away. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”

  She lets my shirt go quickly, stealing my chance to argue, then she walks away from us, even sidestepping Evie’s reaching arms in her hurry. She walks away without another look. She walks through the large dining area and through the bi-fold timber doors separating this area from the lobby.

  She doesn’t come back down to breakfast and she isn’t in her room when I go up to check. She left the city, she left the state and she didn’t come back to me.

  Breakfast was a quiet affair after that, though I tried to keep shit normal for the babies, and because it was still Aiden and Tina’s wedding morning after. They don’t deserve to be dragged down.

  I flew back home with the rest of my family on the four p.m. flight as was originally planned, then I follow the Kincaid convoy back home and through our gates.

  I look for Casey’s car in my driveway, a long created habit, a desperate plea, but she’s not here and I sigh as I drag my shit inside and dump it all in the wash.

  I’ve got to come up with a plan.

  I decide to start washing my shit since it all smells like booze and cigarettes, the patent smell of a Saturday night out, and I pause when I find the shirts that were printed with our images.

  I smile. It’s a good picture. Her smile is big and beautiful. I know she meant her promises. I know she did. I just have to remind her.

  This shit, her being gone, it sucks right now, but I’m a changed man. I’m going to fix this. I have zero doubt in my mind. I just need to convince her I’m in it for life.

  I can’t even blame her for doubting; I practically trained her this way. Like a puppy with constant reinforcement, I told her on the daily how I would never marry, I told her I’d never give any woman those things, but she changed me. I want to marry her.

  Hell. I did. Now I just need her to come around.

  I’m not letting her walk anymore.

  ~*~

  I’m sitting on my couch with a pen and pad of paper and I’m writing notes down. I have shit I need to do. I need to figure out exactly how to get her back.

  I have one chance, there’s no room for fucking it up.

  I look up at the knock on my door. The gates were never opened so I know it’s just the guys. I don’t bother getting up. The door’s unlocked, and even if it wasn’t, they all have keys.

  I slip my tattered and overused copy of the King’s Courtney under my couch cushion and I flip my notepad over.

  I sigh when I realize it’s not just one or two, but it’s the whole crew and they’re here for blood.

  Bobby swaggers into my living room with a cocky grin on his face but with fire in his eyes. Aiden follows in next, his usual silent and serious self, then Jim and Jack last. Annie wanders in behind them like she lives here. Her big dopey tongue hangs out and her gait bounces with he
r missing limb.

  I throw my pen down on my coffee table and I kick my legs up to get comfortable. “Just let yourselves in then.”

  Bobby knocks my feet to the floor and sits on the coffee table in front of me. “Talk.”

  “About what?”

  “Don’t be a dumbass. My wife is pregnant and crying because her best friend is hurting. Tink is Kit’s best friend, which makes her my best friend. You’re hurting my best friend, asshole.”

  My brow lifts at his words even as the other guys stand around and glare at me. “She’s your best friend. Kit’s your best friend. What about me, asshole? I don’t mean shit to you now?”

  “Let me ask you something,” Bobby murmurs seriously. “Tink, she your best friend?”

  “Depends.”

  Aiden’s brows furrow. “On what?”

  I look back to Bobby. The others are here, but this is between me and Bobby. “On what you know.”

  He nods. “I think I know most everything now, except your side of the story. Which, by the way, if I meant shit to you, you’d have talked to me already. But that’s another chat for another day. Right now, I wanna know if Casey’s your best friend.”

  I nod. There’s no point lying anymore. I’m not sure why we never actually told the guys about us, it just became an inside thing over the years. With Kit and Bobby being so caught up in each other, then her attack, then life just got in the way. Just another mistake in a long line of mistakes. I should have shouted my love for her from the hills Julie Andrews style, instead she probably thinks I was trying to hide us. “Yeah, she’s my best friend.”

  “Right. So even though you love me, even though you’re my best friend too, even though we’re brothers, it’s different, right? Tink being your best friend is different to me being your best friend.”

  I nod again. “Right. It’s different.”

  “Exactly. So you hurting Tink, and by extension hurting Kit, then you’re fucking with my best friend. Kit and me, that’s my wife. That’s different to me and you, Jon. I never want to have to choose, it would fucking kill me, but if I did, Kit would win in a heartbeat.”

  I know he’s right, and honestly, Casey would win if I had to choose too, without a doubt, but damn, the words still sting.

  “Right.”

  “So you’re hurting my best friend. Talk, asshole.”

  “What the fuck happened between her being your one night stand,” Jim begins and his cheap words knot my stomach. “How did that turn into her being your wife?”

  “I meant my vows.”

  Bobby punches my thigh. “I have no doubt, dumbass. Even drunk, you’re not an idiot. I know if you stood in line to get a certificate, then had to change premises to find a chapel, then had to walk your ass down an aisle, even drunk, you meant your words. But how the hell did you get to that point?”

  “She’s been my best friend since the day you met Kit at 188.”

  Bobby scoffs, automatically discounting my words but then he pulls himself up and nods. “You’re not kidding?”

  “I’m not kidding. I thought you were gonna mess around with the hot blonde from the club, which would have messed up my thing with Casey, but you didn’t. And if you had, well, I owed you a lifetime of thanks, so I wouldn’t have even been mad at you.”

  Bobby’s brows pull tight again as he sits up from a slump. “A lifetime of thanks. For what?”

  “Don’t be a dumbass, Bobby. You know exactly what.”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “I really don’t. What did I do that would have excused me fucking you and Tink up?”

  “Well, there’s nothing good enough you could do now.” I smirk as Annie’s snout pushes my hand around. “She’s my true best friend now, but back then she was just the sassy pants hot chick from the club. I wouldn’t have been too mad at you. I owed you for saving my life.”

  Bobby’s jaw drops. “Saving your life? The fuck you talking about?”

  “Don’t play dumb, Bobby. It doesn’t look good on you.”

  “No, I’m not kidding. I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

  Everything seems to be coming to a head for me. I spilled my guts to Casey in a dark parking lot. I’ve spilled my guts to a therapist for years. It’s time I told my best friend. He deserves to know.

  “Talk to me, Jon.”

  I sigh as I scratch the dog’s ears and pull her in for a hug, a fortifying embrace that surprisingly helps. Maybe I should get a dog.

  “I have something I gotta tell you, B.”

  I look around at each of the guys. Jim and Aiden were present for my childhood, they know a lot of it, they saw me turn up bloody and bruised and starving, but Jack wasn’t and he’s still a kid. I don’t want to put any of my shit in his head, but he deserves the same respect that I give the others. He’s just as much my brother now as the Kincaid’s are. “Bobby, you were often the only reason I ate, ever. You patched me up. You gave me a safe space to land when I had no other. All of you did. I trusted no one else in the whole world, especially with Sissy, but Jim would always feed her and look after her. Aiden would always have my back. You all did, so there’s not much wrong you assholes could do. You all saved my life. More than once.”

  “You were our friend. You came over to play and eat, it wasn’t a big deal.”

  I shrug. “It was a huge deal to me. I’ll never forget what you all did for me. What your mom and dad did for me, even if they had no clue. I was a starving boy with a kid to feed and parents who liked to beat on me, but either way, that’s in the past and now no one beats on me without my permission.” I’m proud of the man I’ve become. No one has power over me anymore.

  I have the power. I have all the power and I intend to fix the wrongs from the past.

  Bobby’s knuckles come down gently against my knee. “Kit told me some stuff last night. Some stuff about you and Tink.”

  I shrug as I wonder what of the million things he could mean. “It’s probably true, whatever she told you.”

  “She told me Tink was pregnant with your baby.”

  I feel the way my heart hammers in my chest at the reminder. I never wanted kids, I never wanted to do that to her, but now that it’s happened, even if it happened more than a year ago, I feel my own heart mourn that baby now. I’m mourning the child that would have been half Sunshine.

  If I could go back in time I would change things. I’d give up everything to ensure she got to carry that baby to term. I’m not naïve, I know the realities. An ectopic pregnancy isn’t something that can be fixed, it can only be ended. But if I could go back in time, I’d at least be there for her. I’d have held her hand in the doctor’s office and I’d ensure she was never scared to tell me. Then I’d have told her I loved her and I would have reminded her every single day.

  I was already in love with her then, I was just too scared to admit it even to myself. Loving someone is a brand new weakness, and a man like me couldn’t afford weaknesses.

  My biggest regret may not be that our child didn’t make it, but that she was ever scared to talk to me. I hate that I did that to her. I hate that she didn’t feel my love.

  Aiden and Jim don’t react to Bobby’s words, so I figure Casey must’ve told all the girls, and the girls must’ve told the guys, but Jack’s startled yelp and hardening body tells me he didn’t know. He grew up with Casey. This is basically his sister.

  Annie feels her human’s mood and she shoots me a filthy glare before moving to him. Great, now I’ve got another girl pissed at me.

  “Yeah. She lost the baby a little after Kit’s attack.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  I shrug. I won’t throw her under the bus. I won’t admit that I didn’t know. She didn’t tell me because she was scared of my reaction. Rightfully so. I reinforced her belief every fucking day. “It was never the right time. I didn’t want to upset you.”

  “So you bottled that shit up?”

  No. Casey did.

  “Yo
u held it all yourself and didn’t share?”

  No. I lived my life ridiculously oblivious and Casey shouldered the load. I’m such an asshole.

  Bobby draws my gaze back to his. “Are you okay?”

  I nod as we get back on track. “I will be.”

  “Yeah,” Jim murmurs sadly. “You will be. It’ll take time, trust me, I know what it’s like to not be with the one you love, but time will pass and it’ll start to feel better.”

  My eyes snap to my brothers. “Time will make it better?”

  He nods.

  “Did time help you forget Sissy? Did time ease the ache?”

  He sighs. “No, it didn’t. Nothing could have healed the ache of not having her, but--”

  “Exactly. Nothing but her will heal this ache.”

  “You gotta let it go, Jon. The hurt will eat you up inside. She’s moved on, and you’ll have to as well.”

  “Move on?” I ask incredulously. “I’m not moving on.”

  Jack steps away from the wall he’s leaning against and moves closer to me. “You can’t hurt her anymore, Jon. It’s time to let her go.”

  “Fuck no. It’s time to get her back.”

  “Jon,” Aiden sighs. “When was the last time you saw her? When did you last speak to her?”

  “It’s been weeks since she left the motel. It’s been that long since I spoke to her.”

  “Exactly,” Jim nods. “She’s moving on. You need to, too.”

  “I feel like you dumbasses aren’t listening to me. I’m not moving on unless she’s with me.”

  Bobby sighs. “But it’s over, Jon. She’s done.”

  “No.” I smile. “It’s just beginning. I have a plan.”

  Twenty Nine

  Tink

  The Finale

  It would be three full weeks after Aiden and Tina’s wedding – after my own wedding – before I’d see Jon again, and even then it’s only because I sheepishly drive to his house with the divorce papers I had my lawyer draw up. They’re ready to be signed.

  I’m here to set him free.