Arsenic and Old Puzzles

by Parnell Hall

“No kidding.” He shook his head. “You live in a house where people are being poisoned, you’d think you’d be careful about what you eat.”

  “Was it poison?”

  “That’s what I’d like to know. Barney Nathan’s not answering his phone, either. I’m on my way over there now.”

  “You came here first?”

  “You’re on the way.”

  “Why did you come here at all?”

  “Oh. Here.” He handed over a sudoku. “Found it on the body.”

  “Oh, great, Chief. The murder’s practically solved.”

  “You don’t think it means anything?”

  “I think it means the killer’d like to tie these murders to the other murders.”

  “Why?”

  “See, that’s why I don’t like to answer your questions. You always ask another one. Yeah, yeah, I’ll solve the sudoku. I solved the other one, by the way. The one you couldn’t be bothered to look at.”

  “I was busy. So what’s it mean?”

  “Nothing. Just like this one. But I’ll solve it for you. Now get out of here and let me get dressed.”

  Cora peeked out the window until Chief Harper went down the driveway, then hurried back to the bedroom where Barney Nathan was sitting up in bed with the sheet around his neck.

  “Get up! Get up! You look ridiculous.”

  “Who was that?”

  “Chief Harper.”

  “What did he want?”

  “You.”

  “What?!”

  “You turned your cell phone off.”

  “How did he know?”

  “He doesn’t.”

  “Why was he looking here?”

  “He’s not. He’s on his way to your house because he couldn’t get you on the phone.”

  “I’m not there.”

  “Really? Hadn’t noticed.”

  “Cora.”

  “Get up. Get dressed. I’ll take you to your car. Good thing we left it at the Country Kitchen.”

  Barney hopped out of bed, began pulling on his clothes. “I hate sneaking around.”

  “Get used to it.”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re in the middle of a divorce. Sneaking around is the name of the game. I hate being named correspondent.”

  “When were you named correspondent?”

  “Never, Barney. It’s a figure of speech.”

  Barney tied his shoes. “Oh, my God. Harper’s going to my house. What do I do?”

  “Pick up a quart of milk at the convenience store, tear ass home, tell Chief Harper you ran out of milk.”

  “Will he buy that?”

  “Of course he will.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re not married to him.” Cora tossed him the red bow tie. “Here. Put this on.”

  Cora watched Barney knot the tie around his neck. She smiled. “Thank God I took it off before I answered the door.”

  Chapter

  33

  The high school was in session, adding an eerie aura to an already macabre scene. The crime scene ribbon was up, and the bus was cordoned off, holding back those students who did not have class that period, or those who were cutting. Cora had a feeling the latter number was large and growing, as the news spread, and students snuck out. There were also faces pressed against the glass of the upstairs windows that were shooed away by teachers and quickly returned.

  And for good reason. Aside from the police activity, Rick Reed had set up shop, using the side of the bus outside the crime scene as a backdrop. The Channel 8 News van, a familiar enough sight to residents, was catnip to kids, and they thronged around to hear what Rick had to say.

  “More Murders!” Rick proclaimed. “Incredibly enough, there have been two more killings, bringing the total up to four.” He paused for a moment, an unfortunate choice, as it made it appear as if he was checking his math. “Cora Felton, the Puzzle Lady, has just arrived, which would tend to indicate … Well, I’ll let her tell you what it indicates. Miss Felton, what can you tell us about this gruesome double homicide?”

  “It’s a double homicide and it’s gruesome? Well, Rick, that’s more information than I’ve got. Perhaps I should interview you.”

  Rick chuckled good-naturedly, not to be put off. “You know that’s not true. If you’ve been called in, there’s undoubtedly a clue worthy of your expertise. Could you let us know what it is?”

  “Wow. I’m trying to think of a clue worthy of my expertise. If your facts are right, two people are dead, it’s a tragedy, and we shouldn’t make light of it. I just got here, so I’m probably even less informed than you. If you don’t mind, I’m going to bring myself up-to-date.”

  Cora escaped from Rick’s clutches, slipped behind the back of the bus, and ducked under the crime scene ribbon.

  Two EMS crews were waiting by the door. Cora pushed by them, hopped up into the bus.

  “You’re contaminating a crime scene,” Sam Brogan snarled.

  “And a good morning to you, too.” Cora raised her arms. “Look, Sam, no hands. I haven’t touched a thing.”

  Cora squeezed by him.

  The bodies were in the middle of the aisle with their heads toward the back of the bus. Chief Harper was kneeling in front of them, blocking her view. He stood up and turned around.

  “Solve that puzzle for me?”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “I’ll solve it while I’m waiting. But I’m not sitting in my house playing with a puzzle while you scamper around the scene of a double murder. It is murder, isn’t it? This whacky couple didn’t just overdo the auto-asphyxiation?”

  Harper made a face. “For God’s sake, Cora. What if Rick Reed heard you?”

  “He’s on the bus? I promise not to give him that quote. So, what’s the holdup? Where’s the doc?”

  “He wasn’t home.”

  “Where is he?”

  “His wife wouldn’t tell me where he was. Just between you and me, she was downright rude.”

  “They’ve been having troubles,” Cora said. “At least according to Becky Baldwin.”

  “Becky? What’s she got to do with it?”

  “Nothing, I’m sure. Forget I said anything.”

  “Becky Baldwin?”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing, Chief. What about the killings? Any sign of a murder weapon?”

  “Not that I can tell. Of course, I don’t know what we’re talking about here. They haven’t been shot or stabbed. There’s no sign of blood. But I’m thinking blunt trauma to the head. I don’t want to move them, but the man looks good for it, if you peer around from the side. See, right on the bald spot. And the woman could be, too, but you can’t tell, she’s got too much hair.”

  Harper looked around. Barney Nathan had just come up onto the bus. “There he is. Better late than never, doc.”

  Barney’s mouth fell open. Cora could practically see him sifting through rejoinders trying to come up with a suitable response.

  His mind blown, he fell back on the old standard. “What’s she doing here?”

  “She was home when I called,” Harper said. “You weren’t.”

  “I know. I went out for milk.”

  Cora winced. Barney, clearly unskilled at dissembling, had immediately made a rookie mistake, offering an unnecessary explanation.

  “So, what have we got here?” Barney said.

  “You tell me.”

  Barney squeezed past Cora without meeting her eyes, pushed by Chief Harper, and bent over the bodies.

  “What’s it look like?” Harper said.

  “You want me to tell you in front of her?”

  “We’re all family here, Barney. Of course, Becky Baldwin isn’t.”

  Barney looked up, frowned. “Becky Baldwin?”

  “She’s representing the nephew. We might wind up charging him with the crime.”

  “You think he did it?”

  “Well, someone did. Anyway, is there anything about the death of these
two people that might cause you embarrassment if Becky Baldwin were to grill you about it?”

  Barney shrugged. “A lawyer can argue anything. There are indications of blunt trauma to the head that could have been the cause of death. I can pin it down when I get them to the morgue.”

  “Any chance it was poison?”

  “Why?”

  “Well, the other ones were. You ever see Arsenic and Old Lace?”

  Barney had the worst poker face in the world. He looked as if Chief Harper had just bared his innermost secrets. “What?” he croaked.

  Harper frowned. “Well it’s been all over the television. How the killings were like in the movie. I haven’t seen it, have you?”

  “Yes, I have. And, no, this doesn’t seem to fit in with it at all. As to poison, I couldn’t rule it out. But I would say blunt trauma was at least a contributing factor.”

  “Any idea when it happened?”

  “Body’s gone through rigor. It’s been quite a while.”

  “They’ve been gone since yesterday afternoon.”

  “Sounds about right. Can I get them out of here?”

  “Be my guest.”

  Barney went outside, sent the EMS crews in.

  “Jumpy, isn’t he?” Harper said.

  “Oh? Didn’t notice.”

  “Particularly when I mentioned Becky Baldwin.”

  “Well, you mentioned her ripping him apart on the stand.”

  “That’s not quite how I phrased it. Even so, it didn’t seem like that. And it was Becky who told you he was having trouble with his wife. You don’t suppose that’s why he wasn’t home?”

  Cora had a wonderful poker face.

  “I have no idea.”

  Chapter

  34

  Cora flopped herself into Becky Baldwin’s client’s chair. “I don’t see how you can sit there so calmly when there’s been two more murders.”

  “What?” Becky said.

  “Don’t you have a television?”

  “Not in my office.”

  “Too bad. No one should start the day without a hearty dose of Rick Reed. Well, brighten up. There’s two more people you can defend Alan Guilford for killing.”

  “What in the world are you talking about?”

  Cora brought Becky up to speed on the two new murders.

  “Got a time of death yet?”

  “No, but they disappeared yesterday afternoon. Everybody thought they ducked out because they weren’t married. We still don’t know if they’re married or not, but they didn’t duck out.”

  “And no one knows who they are?”

  “No, but they shouldn’t be too hard to trace. They got a rental car kicking around somewhere. And they’re more apt to be local.”

  “Local?”

  “Well, say from the New York area. On the other hand, the geezer could be from anywhere.”

  “You may not want to call him a geezer.”

  “Why?”

  “In case he turns out to have friends who think he’s more important than you portrayed him.”

  “No one’s going to sue me, Becky.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not rich.”

  “You got insurance, don’t you?”

  “Not for slander.”

  “Too bad.”

  “On the other hand, I wonder if it’s slander to call the guy a geezer. You call an eighty-year-old guy a geezer, you’re fine. You call a fifty-year-old guy a geezer, you get sued. Where do you draw the line?”

  “I’d prefer you not to find out.”

  “Why not? You need the work.” Cora fished her cigarettes out of her purse. “By the way, Chief Harper thinks you’re sleeping with Barney Nathan.”

  Becky had opened her mouth to tell Cora she couldn’t smoke. She closed it again. Blinked. “What!?”

  “That’s one of the dangers of being a femme fatale. Your name gets kicked around.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Not me. Chief Harper. Not that he’s one to be spreading rumors or anything. I was the only one there when he said it.”

  “Damn it, Cora. What made Chief Harper think I’m having an affair with Barney Nathan?”

  “Oh. You’re not?”

  “Cora.”

  “Don’t blame me. It’s Chief Harper who said it.” She struck a match, lit her cigarette.

  “Why? What put the idea in his head?”

  “Actually, it was Barney himself.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Nothing. Chief Harper made a remark about how Barney could talk in front of me because we’re all family. Then he said, except Becky Baldwin.”

  “Barney said, except Becky Baldwin?”

  “No. Chief Harper said it. Barney flushed. Like he’d been caught trying to peek up your skirt.”

  “Cora!”

  “Not to imply he’s been peeking up your skirt. I’m just telling you how it looked.”

  “Could you use another metaphor?”

  “Not as apt. Unless you want me to get more graphic.”

  “That’s all you’re going on? Chief Harper mentioned my name and Barney Nathan flushed?”

  “And Barney wasn’t home when Chief Harper went to find him.”

  “Where was he?”

  “He said he went out for milk.”

  “That’s probably what he did. I assure you, he wasn’t with me.”

  “It’s not me you have to assure. It’s Chief Harper.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake.”

  “You have any idea why Barney reacted like that?”

  “I told you. He asked me out on a date.”

  “That usually doesn’t push men over the edge.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s really your fault.”

  Cora raised her eyebrows. “Oh?”

  “Telling me not to string him along. I tried that dating-someone-your-own-age crap. He looked like I told him there was no Santa Claus.”

  “There’s no Santa Claus? That’s terrible. What will the reindeer do?”

  “Trust me, stringing him along would have been a kindness.”

  “Not in the long run.”

  “Anyway, that’s why he reacted that way. Becky Baldwin, the woman who emasculated him. The bitch who stole his manhood.”

  “Stole his manhood?”

  “That came out wrong.”

  “You’re getting in deeper with the double entendres.”

  “Stop it. The point is, I don’t care. What about the killings?”

  “You know as much as I do.”

  “I only know what you told me.”

  “Well, I’ve been very forthcoming.”

  “You’re in an awfully good mood today.”

  “Two people got killed. That’s always a mood lifter.”

  “Cora.”

  “What can I tell you? There’s murder going on. It makes no sense at all. It seems to be related to a movie, but then it isn’t. Because the philandering couple is no part of the movie. Any more than the wandering drunk. Less, actually. Because the drunk fits the pattern of the lonely, elderly man. And apparently these two weren’t poisoned, they were bludgeoned.”

  “What does Barney say?”

  “Oh, now it’s Barney?”

  “Don’t start with me.”

  “I’m not starting with you. I’m just saying when I report back to Chief Harper I need to know which portion of this conversation to quote for him. If he hears you calling the doc Barney it’s just going to set him off again.”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake.”

  Cora shook her head. “You’re new at this game, Becky. You gotta learn not to get your name linked with someone going through a divorce.”

  “He’s not going through a divorce.”

  Cora’s cigarette stopped halfway to her lips. “I thought you said he was.”

  “I said they were fighting. But they’re not even separated yet. That’s what I was stalling him with. Until you came along wit
h your know-it-all advice.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake. You were thinking about going out with a married man?”

  “I was never thinking of going out with him.”

  “You couldn’t have said that from the beginning? ‘Don’t be silly, Barney, you’re married’?”

  “I said that from the beginning. That’s how I was stalling him along.”

  “Well, you might have said so.”

  “Why?”

  “I wouldn’t have given you my know-it-all advice. I thought I was saving you from making a big mistake, not pushing you into one.”

  “I don’t see what’s the big deal.”

  “Well, Chief Harper thought you were involved with a man who was divorcing. Now you’re involved with a man who’s married. The gossip’s going to get worse.”

  “Why did Chief Harper think Barney was divorcing?”

  Cora waved it away. “Who knows where he heard it. Water under the bridge.”

  Chapter

  35

  “Cora?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s Barney,”

  “Hi, Barney.”

  “Don’t hi Barney me. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

  “I do have that effect on men.”

  “In front of Chief Harper. I was nervous, and you didn’t help.”

  “Oh. Sorry. What was I supposed to do? Act like we’re not having an affair? I don’t recall reading that manual. What’s the first rule? Look people straight in the eye and give ’em your best Obi Wan Kenobi: ‘These are not the lovers you’re looking for.’?”

  “Couldn’t you just act normal?”

  “Take your pick, Barney. Acting normal means making fun of you. Which I did. Is it my fault if you didn’t know how to react?”

  “Why are you so hostile?”

  “Don’t be silly. I’m not hostile. By the way, I understand you’re not getting divorced.”

  “Oh.”

  “Oh?”

  “I never said I was.”

  “You never said you weren’t.”

  “The question never came up.”

  “Gee, I wonder why.”

  “So, you’re angry.”

  “Just a little disappointed. My mother wanted me to fall in love and marry a doctor. Not fall in love with a married doctor.”

  “Fall in love?”

  “I was making a joke. You gotta lighten up, Barney. You wanna be a dashing man of the world, you gotta take things more in stride. You know they ID’d the bodies.”