Arsenic and Old Puzzles

by Parnell Hall

  “Harper called.”

  “You give him the autopsy results?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, what are they?”

  “I don’t think I’m supposed to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “Harper said to keep my mouth shut.”

  “From the media, Barney. Not from me.”

  “He meant anyone.”

  “I’ve got an idea. Let’s call your wife, and ask her what she thinks he meant.”

  There was a silence on the line.

  “Low blow,” Barney said.

  “Absolutely. Wasn’t it beautiful? I just lobbed it in there sidearm when you weren’t expecting it.”

  “You’re not serious.”

  “Do I look suicidal? Barney, parading infidelities in front of people’s spouses is not my idea of a good time. You could have medical evidence that identified the killer and I wouldn’t go to your wife. You’re really no good at this. Acting like you’re separated when you’re not. It’s an amateur move, and always a turnoff. Who’s gonna trust you after that? You gotta be up front with a person. It may not get you where you wanna go, but in the long run it’ll work out better. Now, you wanna tell me anything about the autopsy, it’s your call.”

  There was a pause.

  “They died right around the time Chief Harper thought they did. About two to three hours after ingesting their last meal. It happened to be breakfast, which makes fixing the time easier. There’s no poison involved. They died from a blunt instrument. Narrower than a two-by-four. No wider than the head of a hammer, but it wasn’t a circle. It was something long and round. Like a lead pipe.”

  “Ah,” Cora said. “Professor Plum in the conservatory with the lead pipe. Was there a trace of metal or anything to indicate the pipe was lead?”

  “It didn’t have to be lead, but it had to be heavy. Or swung with considerable force.”

  “Is that all you got?”

  “That’s not enough?”

  “Unless you got more.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Then it’s enough.”

  There was a pause.

  “You still mad?” Barney said.

  “About what?”

  “Me not getting a divorce.”

  “Oh, please.”

  “So I guess I won’t be seeing you again.”

  “It’s not a deal breaker.”

  Chapter

  36

  “All right, get back to me,” Chief Harper said, and slammed down the phone.

  “Gee, you’re in a good mood,” Cora said.

  “Been better. At least we ID’d the bodies.”

  “How’d you do that?”

  “Found their car. Abandoned by the side of the road, not that far from the high school. Both names were on the rental agreement.”

  “Oh?”

  “Barry Stein and Julia Rose. Both of Manhattan. Both married. Not to each other. Barry leaves behind a wife and kids. Julia just a husband.”

  “Hmm. You don’t think they did it, do you?”

  “Who?”

  “The wife and husband. Decided to get rid of their cheating spouses.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “You just say that because you’ve got a stable marriage. When you’ve been married as many times as I have, it’s the first thing you think about. What would be the best way to off the son of a bitch. Not that I think there’s the slightest chance that happened. The way I see it, those two are collateral damage.”

  “You think they saw something?”

  “That’s the only thing that makes sense. Because they’re not in the movie.”

  Harper exhaled. “The damn movie. Everybody and his brother’s seen the damn movie.”

  “You still haven’t?”

  “No.”

  “If I give you the DVD, will you watch it?”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake.”

  “It would be nice to have you on the same page when we’re talking.”

  “You got the DVD?”

  “Doesn’t everyone?” Cora reached in her drawstring purse, pulled out a copy.

  “You carry it around with you?”

  “Well, you never know when you’re going to bump into some ignorant cop who needs to be wised up. So, you get the autopsy report yet?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Gonna let me in on it?”

  Harper sighed. “Oh, all right.”

  He told her what she already knew.

  She pretended to listen. “Interesting.”

  “You think so?”

  “Absolutely. It confirms the fact those two aren’t important. More like an afterthought.”

  “There was a sudoku with them.”

  “Sure there was. And I solved it.”

  Cora pulled out a copy, handed it to the chief.

  “And the middle square is nine, the four corners are eight, two, three, and seven. And what does that tell you? It tells me the killer put the sudoku on the bodies to try to make it look like they are part of the pattern, when they are in fact not. They were witnesses at best. More than likely, they were unwitting witnesses who didn’t know what they saw.”

  “What did they see?”

  “They saw somebody doing something consistent with the movie.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. You’ll have to watch it. But that’s just the convoluted explanation. The simple, straightforward explanation is they saw the killer committing the crime.”

  “How is that possible? We talked to them right after the murder. They didn’t know a damn thing.”

  “They didn’t think they knew a damn thing, because they didn’t know what had happened. As the facts of the case come out, it gets more specific. He was poisoned. The poison was in the wine. They saw someone with a wine bottle. They didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now it’s important. They confront this person—usually a bad move, and certainly way down on the list of possible responses from Take what you know to the police—they confront the killer and get whacked over the head. Now the killer’s got two bodies to dispose of. Digs a hole in the cellar. But there’s not enough time. He’s interrupted, he can’t finish, and he can’t get back down there. So he drives the bodies off and dumps them in a school bus.”

  “How’d the bodies get into his car?”

  “They climbed in. Come on, Chief, I’m speculating on a hypothetical. How the hell should I know?” Cora shook her head. “By the way, Becky says Barney Nathan isn’t divorcing.”

  “Becky says that?”

  “Straight from the horse’s mouth.”

  “So she is involved with Barney.”

  “Did I say that? I didn’t say that, and you didn’t hear it from me. But he’s not divorcing, she knows he’s not divorcing, and she claims she never said any different.”

  “And she doesn’t care?”

  “She didn’t seem concerned.”

  “Well,” Harper said. “That’s a bit of a surprise. I wouldn’t have figured Becky for that type of girl.”

  Cora winced. “Girl is a poor choice of words in that context, Chief. It’s a ticklish enough subject without tossing around sexist terms.”

  “Has Becky told you anything?”

  “About what?”

  “Her relationship with Barney.”

  “Well, there you go. Assuming a relationship. Unless the girl’s told me she is, I have to assume she isn’t.”

  “You realize you said girl.”

  “Yeah. But I’m a woman and a wordsmith and I can get away with it.”

  The phone rang.

  Chief Harper looked at it in annoyance. “Oh, hell.”

  “What?”

  “Dan Finley’s out.”

  “So?”

  “The main number rings through to my office. I don’t like picking up the phone if I don’t know who’s calling.”

  “Why don’t you get caller ID?”

  “Yeah.” Harper grabb
ed the phone. “Hello?”

  “Oh, thank goodness I got you! I’m so worried! I don’t know what to do!” the caller said.

  “Hey, hey, calm down. Who is this?”

  “I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me you wouldn’t know. I know who I am, so I thought you would know who I am because I’m only thinking from my point of view. It’s Edith Guilford. Charlotte’s missing! She went shopping and she didn’t come home!”

  “Oh,” Chief Harper said. His interest was rapidly beginning to wane.

  Edith could hear it in his voice. “No, you don’t understand. It was late, she didn’t come back, she didn’t call, it was taking too long. I looked in the garage and the car’s there!”

  “Oh, I’m sure Charlotte’s fine, but I’ll come over and check it out.” Harper hung up the phone. “You get all that?”

  “Her sister’s missing?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You sure she’s fine?”

  “No.”

  Chapter

  37

  Alan Guilford looked confused. “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s perfectly simple,” Becky said. “Two of your aunts’ guests were found murdered on a bus.”

  “That I understand. I don’t understand why it concerns me.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Becky said. “If you’re a suspect in the other killings, you’re a suspect in these. The assumption is the second murders were to cover up the first ones.”

  “But I had nothing to do with the first ones.”

  “And yet you hired me as your lawyer.”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t have hired you?”

  “Not at all. Hiring me was a shrewd move, definitely in your best interests. Since you made that move, you would be wise to listen to your attorney.”

  “Do we have to do this in your office? It seems so formal.”

  “You wanna go have a drink? What would your fiancée think of that?”

  “A business meeting? How could she object?” Alan squirmed uncomfortably. “That’s the thing. Business meeting. Are you billing me for this? I don’t have much money. I’d have to get it from Arlene. I don’t like asking her. We’re not married yet.”

  Becky’s estimation of the young man dropped considerably. And it wasn’t just that she wasn’t getting paid. “I’m not billing you. I thought this might concern you. I’m glad that it doesn’t. But the police thought you might be involved with the other murders. If they get it in their heads that you were involved in these, I’d like to be prepared. In case I do have to take action, which I certainly hope I do not. But I’m not going to do anything without your knowledge and bill you for it, unless you get in a situation where you’ve made it clear that that is what you need.”

  Cora Felton burst in the door. “Oh, good. You’re together.”

  “What do you mean by that?” Becky snapped.

  Cora put up her hand. “Whoa! No offense. I was going to tell you to tell him. He’s here, so I can tell you both at once.”

  “Tell us what?” Alan said.

  “Your aunt’s missing.”

  “What!”

  “Well, not officially missing. It hasn’t been twenty-four hours. But she’s not there. Chief Harper’s on his way over to check it out.”

  “Which one?” Alan said.

  “Charlotte. According to Edith, she went shopping, never came back.”

  Alan waved it off. “She’s scatterbrained. She could have wandered into a clothing store and got lost looking at fabrics.”

  “Her car’s in the garage.”

  “Well, there must be some simple explanation.” He sighed. “I suppose I should run out there.”

  “You want me to go with you?” Becky said.

  “Why?”

  “Chief Harper’s there. You wouldn’t want to make any statements in front of him.”

  “See?” Alan said. “This is just what you were talking about. Protecting me from something I haven’t asked you to. My aunt’s missing. I want to find her. Not stand around worrying about what might make me look bad.”

  “Bravo,” Cora said. “Just the right attitude. Be sure to project like that on the stand.”

  “On the stand!”

  “Don’t let her rattle you,” Becky said. “She’s just a troublemaker. Go on. Run out there and make sure everything’s okay.”

  “Yeah, show some concern for your aunt.”

  Alan gave Cora a look and went out.

  “Do you have to make trouble?” Becky said.

  “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I’m reduced to,” Cora said. “We have motiveless crimes that make absolutely no sense. Which seem to be related to a movie except when they’re not. Then we have crossword puzzle and/or sudoku clues that mean absolutely nothing. Except when they do. Only they don’t, except when it refers to the aforementioned movie, which also means nothing.”

  “For someone who knows nothing, you’re mighty happy.”

  “Yeah, I’m ignorant and proud of it. No one’s expecting me to solve these crimes, which suits me fine. If they start making sense, maybe I’ll take a look.” Cora cocked her head. “So, how about a latte and a scone? I’m buyin’.”

  “Oh, big spender. Come into a fortune?”

  “I got a royalty statement. Turns out my sudoku books are doing rather well.”

  “Lattes it is,” Becky said. “I’m not sure my figure can stand a scone.”

  “That’s the type of thing skinny girls say that makes you want to strangle them. If I buy you a scone, you’re damn well gonna eat it.”

  “Fine, ruin my career. See if I care.”

  “I don’t think there’s a weight limit for lawyers.”

  Bickering, Cora and Becky made their way down the stairs to the street.

  The bake shop was busy. Mrs. Cushman was behind the counter.

  “Lattes,” Cora said.

  “Skim lattes,” Becky amended.

  “Skim lattes,” Cora conceded. “Any scones left?”

  “One cranberry and one apricot.”

  “Sold. Which one you want, Becky?”

  “Which one is smaller?”

  “Apricot.”

  “I’ll take that.”

  “Figures.”

  Cora and Becky stood nibbling on the scones while Mrs. Cushman made the lattes.

  Becky picked up her latte and turned from the counter.

  A woman with black hair and rather red cheeks walked up to Becky, slapped her across the face.

  Heads turned.

  Becky’s mouth fell open.

  The woman turned on her heel and stalked out.

  “My God!” Becky said. “Who the hell was that?”

  “That’s Judy Nathan,” Mrs. Cushman said. “The doctor’s wife. What’s she got against you?”

  Chapter

  38

  “My wife thinks I’m sleeping with Becky Baldwin.”

  “Really.”

  “She screamed at me and threw me out of the house.”

  “Excellent. Now you can get a room at a motel.”

  Cora and Barney were in Cora’s bed. She had picked him up at the Country Kitchen, left his car in the parking lot, snuck him in while Sherry was nursing the baby.

  “Why is that excellent?”

  “It’s easier to meet in a motel. No one’s gonna walk in on us there. Leave my car at the Country Kitchen and we can park right in front of the unit because it’s yours.”

  “And when my wife shows up and begs me to come home?”

  “I’ll hide in the bathroom and lock the door and she’ll think it’s Becky Baldwin.”

  “Great. That’ll be a big help.”

  “Calm down, Barney. If you think about it, it actually will. You’re new to this, so you don’t know all the angles. Your wife’s gonna sue you for divorce, right?”

  “I guess so. Unless she wants a reconciliation.”

  “Do you want a reconciliation?”

  “No.”

  “You d
on’t sound convinced.”

  “Well, what do you expect? I’ve never been divorced before.”

  “You’re in that situation where there are only two possible outcomes. The marriage ends. The marriage continues. In either instance there’s a winner and a loser.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You’re either going to get back together with your wife or you’re not. If you are, you want it to be on your terms. You don’t wanna go slinking back with your tail between your legs. If you’re not, and your wife actually is going to file for divorce, you don’t want to be taken to the cleaners. You’re a doctor, doctors make money, she’d like to have some. You wanna see she’s provided for, but you don’t wanna drape her in diamonds while she’s out looking for the next sucker.”

  “Good lord, is that your view on marriage?”

  “I’ve had a lot of views. Some were better than others. Anyway, you’re missing the point. Your wife thinks you’re having an affair with Becky Baldwin. That’s wonderful. Say she goes ahead with the divorce. She files suit and names Becky as correspondent. She can’t prove it. Because it’s not true. A good attorney would have a field day with that in court. You know who’s a good attorney? Becky Baldwin.”

  “Are you saying I should hire her to prove I’m not having an affair with her?”

  “I admit that sounds iffy. But take the premise. If your wife names Becky as correspondent, she can’t prove it. But the best part is, she won’t be naming me.”

  “Good for you.”

  “For you, too, goosey. Me, she can prove. It’s a lot harder to prove you’re not having an affair with me, since you are. Not impossible, but still. Whereas, Becky Baldwin is a snap.”

  There was a sudden pounding at the front door. Buddy, who’d been sleeping on the floor, sprang to his feet and began barking hysterically.

  Barney Nathan sat bolt upright. “Oh, my God! It’s my wife!”

  “Don’t be silly, Barney. She doesn’t know you’re here.”

  “What should I do?”

  “Hide under the bed.”

  Cora jumped up, pulled on her robe, and went to answer the door. The toy poodle trailed along behind. The minute she opened the front door, he plunged through it like an avenging fury.

  Chief Harper stood in the doorway. From his expression, he might have come to arrest her. He ignored the little dog, glared at Cora. “Again. You did it again.”